Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  I tried to lean into her for a hug, but I was pleasantly rewarded with a small peck of her warm lips against my cheek. This is the first time she ever kissed me even if it was only something friendly.

  "I can't thank you enough. I'll see you when I get back."

  "Until then."

  She looks up into my eyes and gives me a shy smile that has me fighting everything inside me to follow her and crash her lips to mine. Within seconds, she slips behind the doors into the airport.

  When I get back on the road back to the city, I can think of only one person I need to talk to about all these emotions inside of me. Dialing the familiar number quickly, he picks up on the second ring.

  "Hey, bro. What's going on?"

  "I need to see you. Can we meet at your place?"

  "Sure. How long will you be?"

  "About half hour or so," I say. Just am I am going to hang up I ask, "You're alone right?"

  "Yeah. No one's here but me."

  "Alright. See you then."

  Chapter 15

  Addison

  "Are you going to invite him out tonight?" Teenie asks as we're getting our hair and nails done at the salon.

  I let out a sigh. In hindsight, I'm not sure telling Tina about Brayden and Brendan was such a great idea. She is undoubtedly my best friend, however, she is quite the nag when it involves the one person I know I can't have.

  "Teenie, please. I'm not sure I should ask him."

  "Why not? You said yourself you feel an attraction to the man."

  "You don't get it do you? Yes, I'm attracted to him, he looks exactly like my fiancé. However, what you failed to realize is I'm having these crazy hormonal lusting feelings for my fiancé's brother. Aren't you supposed to tell me to forget those and stick with Brayden? Isn't that the girlfriend thing to do? Tell me I'm completely stupid and stick with what I have?"

  After Brendan put me in the cab eight days ago, I went straight to Tina's apartment and spilled my guts about the second time I offered Brayden to find out if things with Lillian are real. Oh, and I can't forget Brendan's reaction outside the pizza place. Plus, my sudden urge for him to practically take me there against the building.

  Maybe I should've left the last part out, but I've always told Teenie everything, and when I mean everything...I mean no stone left unturned. After Clayton, she became like a shrink, not only giving me an opinion but also letting me disclose all my secrets without saying a word to anyone else.

  "Addy, I suppose that is the girlfriend thing to do, but it's not what I do. I tell you when you're being stupid, when jeans make you look fat, and when your shoes don't match your outfit. It's what a friend does."

  I huff and focus on my reflection in the mirror. She does have a point. She's never been one to sugar coat the truth or beat around the bush, which is probably one of the reason why I love her so much.

  "What I am going to say is that I know Brayden’s a great guy, whose clearly sexy as hell, and I know you love him. But, you don't have the connection to him like you have with Brendan. Seeing you and Brendan together is like to magnets attracting and practically exploding when you come together. That, my friend, is what you call passion. Evidently, you're engaged to the wrong brother."

  Could she see how Brendan looks at me? Is it that plain that we're the star-crossed lovers separated by one man, a brother and a friend? We're destined to be apart in fear of hurting the one person we both hold dear to us.

  "Teenie, Brendan does not like me like that. He's acting like a friend as usual."

  "Addison Olivia James, I of all people can tell when a man's in love, and Brendan Knight is most definitely a man in love."

  I laugh because it's the closest thing I can do before I cry. Brendan surely doesn't love me. How can he without hurting his brother? Yeah if Brendan is in love with me than I'm a monkey's uncle. That man goes through women like water. I think the only person besides his brother that he loves is himself.

  My short laugh has become long and drawn out getting higher as I see some patrons start to stare at me and my hysterical shouts. There is no way Brendan is in love with me. None in hell.

  My cell phone dings with a text message.

  Would you like to have dinner with me?

  As I stare at these eight words, I think they must be sent by mistake. Taking another look at the top of the screen, nope, no mistake It's Brendan. A smile breaks out on my face as I continue to stare at his message.

  "Addy, who is it?" Teenie asks as she tries to lean to her left to look at my phone.

  "Tina, come back before you make me cut too much of this pretty brown hair. You'd be mad at me for weeks," Thomas says with his shears in one hand and comb in the other.

  "You wouldn't dare." She replies in a mocked shocked tone. "I would never get you tickets to another Broadway play again."

  Thomas' eyes go wide and he brings the hand with the comb up to his mouth covering the fake gasp he elicited. "You wouldn't dare." Throwing her words back at her.

  "Ugh. I'll be good." She sits back with the black smock clipped around her neck and fanned out in front covering her designer clothes. "Addy, tell me who that was."

  "Brendan."

  "Well speak of the devil. Did he finally admit that he's in love with you?" She asks as both her and Thomas share a giggle.

  "No. He asked me to dinner."

  "Like a date?"

  "No. I'm sure it's just a friend thing. I mean I'm going to be his sister-in-law. I better get used to being around him for dinner right?" As soon as the words passed my lips, I wanted to take them back. Calling myself Brendan's sister-in-law feels so wrong.

  "It's a date. Too bad though, we could have had fun with him tonight at The Venue," Teenie replies looking down at her freshly manicured nails. "I guess I have to go alone."

  I just roll my eyes and bring my attention back to my screen. Ok, fine. I shouldn't think this is a date. I don't. I wouldn't. It's all Teenie's fault that I'm kinda excited it might be one. I respond in kind.

  Sure. I don't have any plans. When and where?

  I wait for a couple of minutes for his reply. I look at my reflection again and get this crazy idea. I know I was told to keep my blonde hair perfectly trimmed and long, but I can't help but want to do something completely out of character. Nothing like bungee jumping or skydiving; both of those choice scare the hell out of me. No, something less adventurous but out of the norm for me. The ding of Brendan's reply diverts my attention to my phone once again.

  I was thinking six at my place. Sushi?

  I smile and type my reply.

  Sounds great. I'll bring the wine.

  I snap my head up to meet Melanie's gaze watching me as I set up a night with Brendan. "Mel? How much time do you have left until you're next appointment?"

  ******

  Three extra hours in the salon let me relax before I had to get ready for my time with Brendan. It's always nice to just sit and have someone else mess with your hair.

  It reminds me of the times my mother would brush my hair as a kid with one of those fine bristle antique brushes. She never did like to cut it, so it was along long. My natural blonde hair was something that has always been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because my mother and father always loved it and told me I was beautiful, but a curse in a way that I was constantly defined by it. The blonde haired blue-eyed country girl with the pretty face to match. I think I still have the plaid red and white checkered shirt, cutoff jean shorts, and cowboy boots I wore in the pageants for the talent portion. Yep, that's me the beauty queen turned model.

  Many nights I sat in my childhood bedroom as my mother would brush my hair and tell me stories of love. Some were about a prince and princess; others were about finding love against all odds. These stories helped me shape what I wanted my future boyfriend/husband to be. All white knight riding in on a horse to sweep me off my feet. All I got was a hard case of reality shoved right in my face.

  I clear my thoughts of anything ne
gative and walk down the street with Tina to get some wine for tonight and just hang out some more before I have to get ready. I offer some wine selections that may suit the meal, but she is adamant on my bringing sake. What's sushi without sake? was her argument.

  Once in the store, Teenie grabs three bottles of the alcoholic beverage. Is she trying to get me drunk around Brendan?

  "I highly doubt we'll need three bottles, Teenie."

  "Okay, yeah, three may be pushing it, but you don't want to get over there and then run out either. Better safe than sorry."

  "I think the only sorry one is going to be me. I don't need to get drunk at a casual dinner with him." She starts to pay for the three bottle despite my efforts to cut it down. "Hey. I told you that's too much."

  "Honey, I'm not saying drink all of it, but at least show him you can have a good time by relaxing some. It’s not like I want you to wear a shirt that says ‘Let’s get drunk and have sex.’ Just relax and be yourself." She smiles then add, "This will just help."

  I sigh and know that nothing I do will change her mind or make her put back a bottle or two. I have to just go with it. I'll keep one bottle at home or maybe I can bring all three and leave one there so he'll have a reason to call me and have me back over.

  I put my face in my hands and try to shake off these feelings. I'm not even there and I'm already trying to find ways to go back. I am such an idiot.

  We make it to Teenie's apartment without any more stops or comments about my upcoming night. She puts the bag with the sake on the counter then starts to walk to her room.

  "What are you going to wear tonight?" She asks.

  "Oh, I don't know. How about something casual?"

  Tina just looks at me funny like that is the worst idea I've ever had. It's at his house eating on the couch. Uh, the couch that may or may not have had naked women's body parts on it. I shiver at the unwelcome thought.

  "Maybe I should buy him a table."

  Teenie lets out a laugh. "Why on earth would you buy him a table?"

  I shrug my shoulders. "You know, with how many women he's been with. Never know what's on his couch. At least a table will be new, and I won't have to worry about catching anything."

  "Oh, this is too good," she says as she walks into her room. I follow her to see she's looking through her closet.

  "What?" I ask genuinely confused.

  Teenie laughs and peeks her head from rummaging through her clothes. "Addy, I love you, but sometimes your hair color comes through before your brain."

  "What a table is a nice gift," I say before she shakes her head and disappears in her room of clothes.

  It's a thoughtful gift right? I know he doesn't have one. It doesn't have to be big. Crap, maybe you don't just show up at someone's place with a table wrapped up and say, "Thanks for inviting me over. I figured your couch was infested with more fluids than a hotel bathtub, so here's a table. A nice, clean, new table we can eat off of without the possibility of me getting sick from crabs or VD or salmonella." Wait, isn't salmonella a poisoning from chicken?

  "No, weirdo. A table is a bad idea unless you plan on getting him naked and fucking him on his couch. That's probably the closest you'll get to catching anything on his furniture."

  "Eww. Totally not going to bang him on his couch. I would get a new couch for that." My hands quickly fly to cover my mouth when I stop talking. Teenie is dying laughing and I'm horrified. I need to have a filter sometime. I can't just let stuff like that fly out of my mouth. "Stop laughing at me. I didn't mean that."

  "Sure you didn't."

  I look down at my phone to see I've got two hours before I need to meet Brendan at his place for dinner. I walk back into the dining room, pick up the bag of sake, and head to her door. She's still laughing her ass off, and I scowl at her.

  "I'm leaving. See you later tonight."

  She waves her hand in the air and says between her laughter, "Text me the style and color Bren wants his new couch to be."

  I close the door with a roll of my eyes and my bag of sake clutched tightly in my hands. Somehow, nothing I say will make her stop laughing at me.

  I stop in the middle of the hallway and realize I'm staying with Teenie while Brayden and I decide what to do. With a deep breath, I turn around and walk back into her apartment. She's still laughing, and I feel myself wanting to smack her to shut up.

  "Decided to go with the couch now?"

  "No."

  "That's fine. I have a dress for you on your bed. Don't worry. Panties will protect your coochie unless you go commando."

  I left out a huff as I put the sake back on the counter. Of all the people in all the world, my friend has to be a bitch.

  "I love you," She says giggling out the last of her hilarious fit.

  "Fuck off," I reply as I walk into my room and head toward the shower.

  Chapter 16

  Brendan

  I think this is the longest I've ever gone without sex since I lost my virginity. Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate. High school was a bit longer, college wasn't hard at all, and...okay, okay, I've gone longer than fourteen days before. I think what's making the past eight days seem like the longest in my life is the fact the last time I was with a woman, not sexually mind you, that woman was all long, blonde hair, feisty attitude, soft curves, and was screaming for me to claim her on the side of a restaurant building.

  Any other day I could be around Addison and control reactions to her, but for some reason, eight days ago I was hanging by a severely thin thread. I have every reason to “just say no” to the temptation and block her out of my mind, but for the life of me, it's impossible to move in that direction now.

  She's given me so much to think about the last week. I don't believe Addy has ever looked at me like she looked at me outside that pizza place. I affected her. Her pulse was racing, and her chest was rising and falling like she'd just finished running a marathon. Despite my inner turmoil surrounding Addy, I remained the gentleman and quickly put her in a cab for her friend's apartment.

  I have been able to keep my distance from her since, but it shredded earlier this morning when I asked her to come have dinner at my place. I've texted and she's called a few times, and I dove head first into projects this week. After work, I've spent my nights in bars or clubs to hopefully spot a warm body for the night; however, I always went home alone, thinking of soft blonde streaked hair, intense blue eyes, and lips so perfect...you get the picture. Of course, I released the pressure myself, but it was always Addison that fueled my fantasy.

  I've been contemplating asking Addison over for the past few days. I always thought it was wrong to have my brother's fiancée alone in my apartment having a meal, and then I reasoned that I'm not going to do anything to her. I can't risk going out and possibly having Brayden see us even though I know he's spending his time with Lillian, but I'm taking precautions here.

  So, with my decision made, I texted Addy to have dinner with me. She accepted, and here I am running through my apartment to get ready. My place stays pretty clean considering, but it's not the cleanliness of the space that has my stomach doing flips. I'm downright nervous having her here. The woman whose scent seeps into my pores, whose mouth is utterly delicious, and whose body can bring a grown man to his knees has me on high alert.

  Damn. She should be here any minute. I need to get the blood back to my brain instead of my dick. I run back into the bathroom to relieve the pressure so I can focus on dinner instead of ravaging her little mouth.

  Five minutes later, I hear her knock at the door, and thank the heavens I got myself under control. I do a once over in the mirror to ensure I don't scream I just got off thinking of you in my bathroom then go to open the front door.

  "Hey, I brought the wine as promised," She says as she holds up two bottles of sake for dinner, one in one hand and one in the other.

  Oh sweet to all that's holy. She looks stunning. My eyes travel from her strappy red heels over her perfectly tanned leg
s up the black one arm dress lingering on her flawless c-cup breasts to her glowing face with her blonde waves floating around her shoulders. She's stole my ability to produce words. I must have been crazy to invite her here.

  "Can I come in?" she asks, and I quickly shake off thoughts of her laid across my bed bound so I could enjoy her writhing under my every touch.

  Never gonna happen.

  "Yeah. Sorry. You look great." I gain my equilibrium and escort her inside with a wave of my hand. She walks through the threshold, and I can't deny myself the pleasure of running my eyes over her backside too. My eyes landing on her beautiful light-colored hair. It's the same, but yet so not like Addison. "What did you do to your hair?" I ask stunned that she would change her signature look.

  She turns from putting the sake on the counter and runs strands through her small fingers. "You don't like it?" She responds shyly.

  Her naturally lower back length golden blonde hair that's either wavy, in curls, or lays bone straight to her face is now sporting streaks of pink and purple. It's unlike Addy to do anything that messes with her normal. Some professionals have tried to ask her to dye it, but she always refuses.

  "It's awesome. You look amazing," I say almost awestruck.

  Her eyes flutter and look toward the ground as a warm blush spreads across her face. She mutters a polite thanks before turning toward my living area. She doesn't move. And if I'm not mistaken, she just let out a laugh.

  "What's so funny?"

  "You have a table," She states plainly.

  "Yeah, most people do."

  "You never had one before."

  It's no surprise. Addy knows my apartment. She's been here before with Brayden many times. We've hung out and had dinner either at the breakfast bar or on the sectional. I never needed a dining room table before. I picked it up earlier today. Subconsciously, I might have been trying to tell myself I wanted this to be more than a casual dinner, a date perhaps.