Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  Date. Ha. I don't do dates. Ever.

  "It's just something small," I say as I shrug my shoulders acting like it's nothing. "I thought you might want to have dinner at a table."

  "Sure. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Would you serve us up?"

  "Go on. It'll be ready when you get back."

  She walks around the table and down the hall to the bathroom, but doesn't go in. Instead, for some reason, she makes an about face and jiggles the handle of my third bedroom. Thankfully, it's locked and has been for the past two weeks.

  Shit. She can't go in there much less fathom what could be hidden behind the door. She doesn’t need to be corrupted even if my fantasy is to do just that.

  "What's in here?"

  What do I say? Should I scare her with the truth? Yeah that's just a room where I tie women up and have my wicked way with them. Don't worry though, the anal plugs, spreader bars, and nipple clamps are all for pleasure...more mine than yours, but yours too if you're into that sorta thing.

  Yeah, I'm definitely going to lie through my teeth here.

  "Security."

  I didn't lie completely. When I tie a woman up, she is definitely secure. Alright, I'm bending the meaning here. So what?

  Her curious look makes me think she doesn't believe me, but hell if I care. She cannot under any circumstances go in that room. Ever. If she goes in, I might not bring myself to let her out. I can already picture her hands bound above her head to each post at the foot of the bed, nipples clamped rosy and ready for my tongue, feet in the bar secured wide waiting for my hand to-

  And there's my hard on again.

  Luckily, Addy's safely in the bathroom where I can now adjust myself in a comfortable position. However, all too soon she reappears and walks up to me at the bar.

  "What have you been doing?"

  "Getting our food ready." She's looking around, but my lie has definitely registered.

  "And where is our food?" She replies with a sexy smirk.

  "Fridge."

  She laughs then heads to the stainless steel top of the line refrigerator to remove the sushi I picked up on my way home.

  "Please sit. I can do this," I say with a nod toward the dark wood table for four.

  I'm the one who asked her over. I can surely dish out some sushi and make the soy sauce and wasabi mixture how she likes it.

  "It's fine," She responds grabbing the tokkuri, or flask, matching ceramic bowl used to heat the alcohol to the right temperature, and two ochoko handle-free cups from the sake set Addy gave me last Christmas after she came back from a trip to Japan. The set is white ceramic with small Japanese writing in blue on each piece. I love it not just because I love sushi but because she gave it to me.

  I grasp her wrist before she puts the two cups on the concrete countertop next to the other two items. She shifts her gaze to me and her blue eyes start to penetrate my control once more. "I'll fix the drinks. You can plate the food."

  "Okay," She says shakily, but I could swear her eyes dropped down to my lips right before I let go of her. She turned to the opposite side of the kitchen to grab two plates to serve the food, and I go back to my task.

  She picked a Honjozo-Shu, which is a sake that is better served at room temperature. I go to add the water in the ceramic bowl, pour some sake into the tokkuri, and set the flask into the bowl to warm. As I gather the warming alcohol, two cups, and the rest of the bottle, I can see Addy plating the sushi from the container onto a serving plate in rows. She knows I like it this way. Why? I have no idea, but I do. I suppose it's a simple meal served a simple way.

  I lay the contents in my hands on the middle of my new table and position them so the bottle doesn't impede my view of Addison. I turn back to mix the soy sauce/wasabi ingredients in two small saucers. She likes hers with a little less wasabi than mine. When I'm done, I bring the finished product to the table and set hers on the side of her plate and mine in the same spot on my own.

  "Don't forget the chopsticks," She reminds me.

  "You know I would never eat sushi without them."

  I grab what I need then place one set of chopsticks next to her empty plate.

  "So, what are we having tonight?" She asks curious as to what types of sushi I picked up for us. I try to get a new variety, but I know she's eying the California roll and Salmon and Avocado roll. She adores them both, so I get it every time I order even if she's not around.

  "Well, you obviously know what these are," pointing with my chopsticks to the two types she loves so much. "This is a Natto roll. It has cucumber, wasabi, sesame, and some spicy mayonnaise." Gesturing to the next few pieces, "These are Rattlesnake rolls. Shrimp tempura on the inside with avocado and tuna on top." Moving to the last piece, "Finally, this one's Inari. Basically, it's a sweet tofu pouch with rice and sesame seeds. Kind of plain, but we've never had it yet."

  I have a feeling she's going to hoard most of her favorite pieces. I almost never get to eat any of those. I doubt she'll have much of the Natto, since she doesn't like things too spicy. I'll see how adventurous she is tonight.

  "So, have you got the dates of your next trip planned?" I ask as I test the sake for its temperature. I pick it up, and Addy holds her cup with two hands for me to pour her drink.

  "Actually, they postponed it. Looks like I get a bit of a vacation, which is nice because I haven't had this amount of downtime in a while."

  "Sounds like you need it," I say with a smile as she takes the tokkuri and pours my cup as both my hands hold my cup.

  I learned the host is never supposed to pour his own cup of sake. It's the guest's job to keep the host's cup filled.

  "I do. I miss it here when I'm gone, but it's nice to be able to experience new places." Addy starts to plate a few of her favorite rolls and snags a few of the new ones before beginning again. "You could join me if you want," then stutters to add, "I mean since you've never been out of the country."

  I didn't realize I'm hovering a piece of sushi with my chopsticks right in front of my open mouth. Did I hear her correctly? Did she just offer me to travel with her? I should refuse. That’s dangerous territory right there. Alone with Addison on an island while she's in shorts and a shirt or worse a bikini. But like the sucker I am, I'm a glutton for punishment.

  "That sounds like fun. The trip's still to Puerto Rico and the islands?"

  Her eyes come to focus on me instead of the food, and she looks surprised I remembered her trip details. As much as I know I shouldn't, I remember way more about Addison and our time together then I openly admit.

  "Yeah. They moved it back until the 5th of August. Right now that gives me about two weeks off. I might have some small gigs in between, but still two weeks at Teenie's place is going to be nice."

  "I bet she's going to like having you around," I say as the warm sake slips past my lips and down my throat.

  Addy laughs either at my comment or her own private joke, but I could care less. Her laugh is contagious, and I love to hear it.

  "Yeah. I think she's going to really love annoying me and pulling me to every club in town."

  "I know clubs. Have you guys been to The Venue recently? Saturdays are much better than Fridays, but it's much more crowded too."

  "We were going to go tonight, but instead, you invited me to dinner."

  "Sorry to ruin your plans."

  But I'm so glad you came.

  "No. I love sushi. And I like hanging out with you."

  Something in my chest clenched at her words. I knew Addy and I got along fine, but never did I think she actually enjoyed spending time with me. Maybe it's just a friend-like. That would make complete sense in comparison to the other option.

  We talked about some of her life when she was younger doing beauty pageants. She told me that her parents always loved her blonde hair, but the new streaks made her feel confident. A feeling of happiness washed over me knowing she was taking an active role in controlling her life.

  Conversation flowed and two hour
s later we were close to the end of the second bottle of sake. Although the drink doesn't have that much alcohol in it, drinking as much as we did made me feel slightly buzzed. I could only imagine what it was doing to Addy. I rarely ever saw her drink over one glass of wine or two beers.

  Before she could open her mouth to speak, my phone starts to ring. Addison giggled as we listen to Mr. Bean's voice coming through my cell telling me to Pick up the phone. Pick up. Pick up. Answer the phone. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. We burst into a fit of laughter. I see it's my brother, and I look to Addy to tell her to be quiet.

  "Hey, bro. What's going on?" I ask trying to hold in my laughter to talk to my brother. I can see Addy's cheeks are red. She's trying to hold it in too.

  "I need to see you. Can we meet at your place?"

  He sounds so serious. I can't help but grin thinking of my brother in his three piece suit, standing tall, and directing me like I'm a juvenile.

  "Sure. How long will you be?" I ask looking to Addison who's still trying to hold her giggle in check. I stick my index finger over my lips to tell her to be quiet or we'll both be in trouble.

  "About half hour or so."

  Shit, he's really coming over. Now I know I need to get Addy out of here pronto. I know Bray wouldn't go all crazy on me, but even in my fuzzed out brain I know he would think something was up.

  "You're alone right?" He adds, but it's an honest question. He may not know the details surrounding my sex life, but he does know of my typical behavior.

  Damn. I need a shower to erase the smell of Addison that has permeated around me. What to do? What to do?

  "Yeah. No one's here but me."

  Addy looks at me questioningly, but I shake my head. I have to figure something out and fast. Damn my brother.

  "Alright. See you then." I hang up the phone and quickly devise a plan.

  "Who was that?"

  "My brother." She stills with the ochoko cup at her lips. "He's coming over."

  "I guess that's my cue to leave then."

  As much as I want her to stay because she looks at ease in my home, I know she can't be here when Brayden comes over. A plan. I need a plan. I'm not ready for this night to be over.

  "How about this. I'll call you a cab to bring you back to Tina's while I talk to my brother. Once he's gone, I'll meet you and Tina at The Venue. We'll make a night of it, and I can be like a bodyguard for you two."

  She looks to be mulling over my suggestion. She searches my face then looks to her almost empty cup of clear liquid. She starts to say something, and then quickly stops herself. God I wish I knew what she was thinking right now.

  Finally, she looks up to meet my brown eyes and says, "Sounds like a great plan."

  Chapter 17

  Brayden

  I make it to his apartment on Lexington Ave in record time. I would expect no less given it's late, but in the city you never can tell. When I reach the eleventh floor, I turn right to his apartment.

  I open the door, and I'm met with the same type of ultra modern design that's in Lillian's apartment. The only thing is here it's expected. The rich dark hardwoods contrast the stark whites of the cabinets in the kitchen, and the dark concrete countertops and stone backsplash compliment the floors. Stainless steel is everywhere from the oven and cook top to the drawer pulls and sink faucet. What makes me pause is the new two person dining table. It’s gotta be new. I’ve never seen one in here before. Something to ask another time. I’ve got more important things on my mind.

  "Bren, you here?"

  "Yeah man, give me a sec. Grab a beer or whatever."

  I open the huge double stainless steel door, grab a Corona, and then sit at the breakfast bar waiting for my brother to emerge. When he does, it looks like he just got out the shower.

  "I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

  "Bray, shut the hell up. You're good," He replies grabbing another Corona out the fridge. "Now, what's on your mind?"

  "Lillian."

  "I figured as much. Don't think I haven't noticed you spending a lot of time with her."

  I want to tell my brother everything. He knows about my time in Tampa with her and about my breakdown a few months back. He's the one that put things in perspective. He's gotta help me come up with something.

  "The woman has me in knots, dude. One minute she acts like a friend, and the next I'm seeing my picture on her bedroom wall. Why would she have my picture in her bedroom? The worst part is that I didn't freak out when I saw it. Yeah, it surprised me, but it felt like it belonged there. How the hell is that?"

  Brendan doesn't say anything but lets my words sit there pregnant with unspoken meaning.

  "I just bought her a plane ticket back to Tampa," I admit.

  "Why would you do that? I thought you liked this woman."

  "It's her dad, man. Her dad's sick in the hospital, and I wanted to do something nice for her. It's not that she wasn't thankful, she was. It was the feeling I got when she left that's making me hurt."

  "And how did it feel?"

  I need to identify these emotions. I can't keep fighting off or bottling up these reactions to her. This is the reason Addison and I took some time apart...to see what I feel for Lillian.

  "I wanted to run after her. I didn't want her to leave. Even though I know she's coming back, seeing her walk away made me think of the last time I was in Tampa and she left me standing there."

  "I think you're falling for her," he says plainly.

  Could that be what this is? How does he know for sure? I thought I loved Addison, but Addison doesn't make me feel this way.

  I want to be around Lillian in a way I can't explain. She makes me laugh, makes me see things differently, and makes me want to be a better person. Maybe I am falling for her, and it's not just an attraction.

  "I don't know, Bren. What do you think I should do?"

  He ponders my question as we sit in silence drinking the rest of our beer. Usually, I'm pretty level-headed when it comes to making decisions regarding women. I'm not egotistical or narcissistic, and I always consider the women's perspective. However, when I'm around Lily, I can't normally think the same way. It's as if she has a brain scrambler, and anytime I'm in her general vicinity I don't know which end is up.

  "I think you need to go after her."

  I look up at my brother not saying a thing. What would happen if I just fly there and find her? Would she be upset I imposed on this time with her family? Isn't flying 1200 miles suggesting I have an emotion beyond friendship?

  I did buy the open-ended ticket for her so she could spend quality time in Florida, not just a day or two. The staff position doesn't become available for week or so. I must remind myself to tell Lil to call her editor regarding her stay. I could look into some more properties. We've already infiltrated the market down there.

  Am I seriously considering this?

  "Your silence is telling me you're waging some war whether to stay or go."

  "I don't want to freak her out, Bren, but I care about her. I just have this unexplainable compulsion to be with her. I just don't know how to do that without her totally wigging out on me."

  "Lillian’s a smart girl. She's mature, sensible, and for some weird reason, she likes being around you too. I'm not saying the girl's in love with you or even likes you beyond a friend, but I highly doubt she'll go all balls to the wall and kick your ass."

  I sigh, but mentally, Brendan makes complete sense. “Yeah.”

  "Good, now get on a plane and go to her."

  He's right. She needs support, and I can't let her go through something like that alone.

  I stand with purpose then quickly realize I have no way of getting in touch with her or her family. This is never going to work if I don't have something to go off of.

  "Bren, I need your help. We need to find where her dad is staying at Tampa General."

  "Get on the phone and buy a ticket. I'll call to see what room he's in."

  I nod, taking my cell and si
tting on his sectional. I dial the airline to reserve a flight out tomorrow morning to Tampa International. While I'm talking to the customer service representative, Bren gets my attention and gives me a thumbs up to tell me he located her father. Great. I'll have time to pack and get a couple hours of sleep before heading to JFK. The flight should allow me some peace and quiet beforehand to devise a strategy for when I touch down in Florida.

  Chapter 18

  Addison

  I'm so glad I took Brendan's advice to come out tonight. Even if he doesn't show up, Teenie and I are having a great time. Between the two bottles of sake and the two cosmos I've had in the last forty-five minutes, my worries are temporarily forgotten, and I'm enjoying the multi-colored lights bathing us as the bass drifts from the speakers charging the air around us. I know I should switch to water soon, but it feels so good to let loose and relax.

  "Hey girl. What another drink?" Teenie asks as tracks blend together to feel like on continuous song.

  "Not right now. Stay and dance with me."

  I pull her hand above my head and start moving my hips with hers. Bodies are everywhere. Lights flickering, the boom of the bass in my ears, and alcohol running through my veins allows me to imagine Brendan dancing with me. I know he'd look incredible under the glow of the moving lights. Rock hard abs, solid biceps, and those hips...mmm...those hips moving in time to the rhythm of the music. His strong hands running over my body. I move my hands over my cut off jean shorts and skimpy black top where I want his hands to follow as I dance in the crowd of people.

  "We need to find you a pole!"

  "Shut up, bitch. Let's give these guys a show."

  "Come here, sexy," Teenie replies crooking her finger so I follow.

  The song changes to a remix version of Cruise by Florida Georgia Line with Nelly. When I hear the first few notes of the familiar song float through the speakers, I'm glad I changed my outfit. As much as I love New York, and it's become my home, I can't deny my strong southern roots and love for country music.