Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

I'm just sputtering things out of my mouth. Now I'm loose lipped and afraid she's going to ask me questions. Not good at all folks.

  "Can't what?" She responds.

  See what I mean? I kind feel obligated to answer her question. It's all the alcohol's fault. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't drink. Damn you, Don Julio!

  "Can't want."

  Addy comes to sit on the spot I suggested, and she lifts my head and places it back on her lap. It's comfortable, and man, it feels good to be this close to her.

  "What can't you want?"

  "Why?"

  Stop asking me or I might just tell you. You can't know. You. Can. Never. Know.

  She looks down at me as she runs her finger through my hair. Holy crap, I'm getting a hard on. How is that possible with how much I drank? I drank so this wouldn't happen.

  "Curious."

  I let out a breath and put an arm over my face. If you keep running your fingers through my hair, I’m going to crack. The walls I've erected will start to crumble. Hahaha...erected.

  "Umm, maybe I should go," She stammers and stops her smooth caress of my scalp with her small fingers. She looks down toward my obvious bulge then back to my eyes. Shit brain mouth communication problem again.

  "I won't let you in there."

  "In where?"

  I lift my arm in the general direction of the third bedroom. "Not gonna happen. Nope." I say ending with a pop sound.

  "I don't want to go in there."

  "Good. Best you don't."

  "Glad that's settled." She starts the lazy movements of her fingers in my hair.

  As I peek above my arm, she looks lost in thought, staring at her dainty fingers and their path through my brown hair. A hint of a smile plays at her lips. This urge I have to be honest is going to get me in trouble.

  "It's who, not what," I say pulling her from her thoughts.

  She eyes me curiously. "What?"

  "It's a who I can't have not a what."

  She starts to laugh and my head shakes as her body quakes with the force of her laugh. I should shut up right now. If this is how she reacts to me admitting anything, I should suck up my pride and never speak of this night again.

  "I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh. You're telling me you want a woman you can't have? How is that possible?"

  "Don't make fun. I'm not good enough for her."

  It's true. My promiscuous ways aren't what Addy needs. She needs professions of love, flowers delivered, and romance beyond belief. She needs to be all he sees everyday of his life. She needs to be his everything and only. She deserves that and a family and kids, and I am definitely not the man for that.

  Addy's hands move from my hair down my temples until she's cupping my face upside down. Her eyes are serious, but her features are soft, like she's determined.

  "Brendan, don't say that. Any woman would be crazy not to want to be with you. You're funny, kind, honest, and loyal. You are good enough. It's her that isn't good enough for you."

  My eyes close as her words wash over me. Any woman...just not her. I'm not good enough for her. She's better than me in every way. She's the good in my day, the light to my darkness, the hope I hold on to. She's the only person I could ever imagine loving.

  As I can feel sleep trying to consume me, I hold on to what's left. Addison's blonde locks with hints of bright color running through my fingers. Her stunning bright blue eyes and the way her lips move. The sound of her voice and the feeling I get when I hear it coming from her gorgeous mouth.

  I smile before I'm thrust into dreamland.

  I am in love with Addison James.

  I see her in her beauty with a smile that always seems to jumpstart the butterflies in the pit of my stomach. The woman I'm destined to be without to admire from a far. The woman who with a simple touch can make my heart melt and my body surge with want. I can imagine kissing those luscious lips while our bodies crash together then look into her eyes and answer the question I can't seem to tell her out loud.

  It's you.

  Chapter 20

  Lillian

  As I touched down in Tampa well after midnight, my first order of business was to catch a cab to a hotel, preferably one closest to the hospital. Once inside, I could wrap my head around everything I was feeling because lets face it, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

  Within two hours, I’m lying peacefully under the covers at the Marriot Waterside after a nice hot shower, thinking of my dad. Doctors running tests on him for cancer is obviously my biggest stressor. I'm scared for him and hoping it's nothing serious. I can't let my overactive imagination take flight now or it’ll certainly drown me in sadness. Whatever they do find, I pray it's treatable. If nothing can be done, I don't know if I would survive that.

  Being in Tampa also brings up my last memory of this place, my failed wedding. Damon's phone call and Nora's constant messages hang around me like a ghost you can't shake. They're always there and always waiting. God forbid I see either one of them while I'm here.

  And Brayden. Buying me a ticket and shuttling me directly to the airport was far beyond what kind of friendship we’ve established. He cares, and that's definitely a feeling I can relate to. As much as our weird friendship is going, I do care for him and how he's feeling. I was strangely disappointed when I sat in my first class seat on the plane and stared at the empty seat next to me. I wished Brayden came to hold my hand so I could deal with the obstacles ahead. Part of me still wants him to be with me through whatever this trip entails because of the solace I feel when he's near me. My body doesn't just come alive when he's around me, it also feels oddly tranquil like it knows I'm safe from harm.

  I can't get caught up in my thoughts and feelings for Brayden. He's off limits. He's engaged to Addison, and I could never come between that. I would feel like a hypocrite if I did something I got upset over. No. I just need to sleep and see my dad in the morning.

  I reach over and set the alarm on my phone for 8 a.m. then close my eyes and drift into an uneasy sleep thinking of my dad and wondering where those familiar brown eyes are.

  ******

  When I wake to the beeping of my alarm, I am in no way ready to get up, but I know I must start. I jump in the shower so hot streams of the water can fully wake me. After brushing my teeth and throwing my hair in a messy knot, I go in search of my trusty kona pants and a t-shirt. I didn't get a call from my parents this morning, so I'm hoping to make it to the hospital before they hear anything.

  Twenty minutes later, I'm walking up to the reception desk at Tampa General asking what room my father's in. I'm directed to room 213 and make my way there with minimal assistance. Before knocking on the door, I take a deep breath to calm myself. I have to be strong. I can't break down or I know for sure they will. I open the door and see my mother sitting by the father's beside holding his hand.

  "Daddy?" I ask in a hush tone.

  "Lily bug?" He replies, and I can see the big smile on his face. "What are you doing here?"

  "Lily, honey, we've missed you!" My mom exclaims before wrapping me in one of her special hugs. My muscles relax and my chest constricts. You don't know how much you can miss your parents until you don't see them for months. Being in my mother arms is like having a glass of wine after work; it pacifies me and releases some of my worries.

  "I've missed you both too so much," I reply trying to hold back the sobs that I know will break through if I don't get it together.

  "Sweetie, I just talked to you last night. How is it that you're here?"

  "Well, after we spoke, one of my friends bought me a ticket on the last flight out of New York and drove me straight there. The non-stop flight only took about three and a half hours. I got in early this morning."

  I pull away from my mother to go to my father. The hand with his IV goes to my cheek, and I lean forward so he can kiss my forehead. Such a simple gesture, but it means so much to me. He's done that before I went to sleep ever since I was born. When I felt I got too old
for it, he would wrap me in a hug and kiss my forehead when he got home from work. It let me know he was always there with me. I didn't realize how much I missed those little things since I went to college and now moved to a different state.

  "Have you heard anything yet?" I ask standing up and trying to hide my face as I wipe a lonely tear from slipping down my face.

  "They took your father in for a biopsy early this morning. We're just waiting for the results. It should be another hour or two." My mother replied pulling up a chair next to hers.

  "Biopsy? So they know what's giving him so many problems?"

  "Sit please, honey." I sit, but I can hear in her voice she's worried. It's can't be good. "Yes, it's prostate cancer. They're trying to determine at what stage it's in to see about what treatment options are available."

  Prostate cancer. I sit there immobile trying to search my brain and figure out of its curable. Clearly, my profession is far from medical, but some cancers are clearly incurable. I can't seem to think beyond the usual ones, HIV, Aids, Leukemia, etc.

  "Your father's been having pain for a while. When I brought him to the ER yesterday, they started running tests given all of his symptoms. They confirmed the diagnosis with a digital rectal exam. The biopsy results should tell us what stage it's in."

  "Is it curable?" I ask hearing the shakiness in my voice.

  "Depending on the stage. The doctor said they don't usually catch this type early, but that's not to say we didn't. We just have to wait and see what the results say. We're trying to stay positive Lil. It's all we can do."

  My mother reaches out to grasp my father's hand and then mine. "I would like to say a prayer if you don't mind, honey."

  "Please."

  I scoot my chair closer to my father's bed so I can hold on to his and my mom's joined hands. I wish my sisters were here with us. I just hope wherever they are they're safe and happy.

  "Heavenly Father, we sit before you in need of your intercession. We pray that the cancer that’s come into my husband's life soon fades into a quick remission. We believe in your capacity for miracles, and ask for this on our behalf. As we grow older, We know we become closer to the day you accept us back into your kingdom. We ask that you delay that holy union if it be your will. In your name we pray."

  "Amen," We say as we end in unison.

  ******

  The next two hours go by fairly quickly. We discuss all things regarding me and New York, my new friends, my job, my photo shoots, and my new loft space. I've neglected to mention anything about Brayden, but he's always in the back of my mind as I recall memories that have him in it. A knock at the door halts our conversation as we look up to the doctor in a pristine white coat walking through the door.

  "Mr. and Mrs. Anderson. I'm Dr. Hemmings," The doctor says as he comes in and shakes my parents’ hands.

  "This is our daughter Lillian," My father replies giving me an introduction.

  Dr. Hemmings offers his hand to me, and I shake it when he speaks, "Nice to meet you, ma'am."

  "You as well."

  "The results just came back. It looks like the cancer has not yet spread to any nearby tissues. It's contained within the prostate, which tells me we're dealing with stage II not III. This is a good sign. It's curable. I would like to perform surgery and have you undergo radiation therapy so we can get this under control. I firmly believe these combined methods will prevent any more problems."

  The doctor's words flow through my mind, but only one word remains.

  Curable.

  Relief floods me. Although the surgery and radiation therapy don't excite me, it will cure him, and I'll have my dad back.

  "Thank you Dr. Hemmings. Anything you can do for my husband is greatly appreciated."

  "Yes, ma'am. I'm glad we caught this in time. Let me get the procedure set up as soon as possible. I'll have the nurse come back and give you a time we can operate."

  "Thank you," My father says, and I can see tension leaving his body.

  The good doctor takes his leave as my mom and dad hold each other whispering in one another's ear. I'm still standing trying to sort out all the words and emotions coursing through me. I can't break down in here. I can't show weakness when my dad needs me to be strong for him.

  I need some air.

  "Excuse me."

  "Take your time sweetheart." He replies over my mom's shoulder.

  I walk out into the hallway and start my path outside. My pace gets faster as if I'm trying to run from these reactions and the fresh air will suck them from my body, relieving me of feeling like an emotional ball of nerves that will burst open at any minute. A brisk walk turns into a sprint to the calm winds of a Tampa Saturday.

  I know there's a door up ahead, and I turn the last corner, only to run into a solid chest.

  "I'm sorry. I wasn't pay-" I'm cut off by strong arms encasing me in warmth and support. I don't have time to process who this person is. They're offering me support and strength, and that's exactly what I need right now.

  Instantly, my floodgate opens and tears stream down my face. It's relief from the worry, the realization it's not worst, the thoughts I had about my dad dying. It's everything I've ever kept inside bursting out of me.

  "Shh. It's alright, Lil. I'm here." The familiar deep voice is crooning me to calm the storm raging inside of me. I can feel him pull me down on his lap holding me close rubbing my back lightly as I continue to cry into his chest. "I'll always be here to help you get through anything."

  His quiet admission rushed through my cries straight to my ears. I look up to see pools of warm chocolate. Concern laced with relief is what I notice in his two brown orbs bathing me in peacefulness and protection. In this moment when I thought I was all alone trying to fight reactions to things that were overloading me, this wonderful, caring, incredible man is here to support me. In spite of his relationship status and this strange friendship we share, I can say without a doubt I am falling in love with Brayden Knight.

  Chapter 21

  Brayden

  "What are you doing here?" Lillian asks obviously in shock I flew down.

  What should I say? I had everything planned out on the plane, but now she's in my arms, all my careful planning is swirling down the drain. Do I stick to my original plan or just tell her the truth? The truth will surely freak her out, but I can't lie to her. This is so much more complicated than I initially anticipated.

  "I just thought you might need me," I say plainly, but quickly add, "for support."

  She continues to search my face for reasons or answers, some of which I can't give her. I see tears start to pool in her eyes again, and I pull her face against my chest. Lillian has never been one for many words. Actions speak for her as do her pictures.

  When her tears have stopped, I wipe her cheeks gently trying to coax out what's going through her head. She leans into my hand, and I can't help myself but smile at her response.

  "Do you want to talk?" She nods her head yes as I lift us both off the floor.

  "Let me just tell my parents I'm going to be a while."

  "Do you mind if I come with you?"

  I know meeting the parents is a big thing, well, at least to some it is. I want her to take that step with me. I want to meet to the people that gave this beautiful woman life, who nurtured her, and raised her to be this amazing person.

  She's not freaking out, which is good. She's thinking about it. When I see she's made her decision, her hand slides in mine as she nods once slowly.

  Okay. I'm meeting her parents, and I'm just her friend. Be polite and look them in the eyes. Firm grip when I shake her dad's hand or should I be more gentle? The man's in the hospital after all. I'm anxious, but I asked for this too.

  Lillian leads me to room 213 and pushes the door open smoothly. My eyes take in the plain beige color walls, green cloth chairs, and window on the back wall. The brown of the bathroom door matches that of the entry door, and Lillian's father lies on the hospital bed with his wife ne
xt to him in a chair. Her mother's eyes grow wide and her father tries to assess me as he sees my hand linked with his daughter’s. Lil registers her dad's gaze and quickly lets go of my hand.

  "Dad. Mom. This is my friend, Brayden Knight. Brayden, these are my parents George and Helen Anderson."

  I walk up to her father lying in the bed and offer my hand. "It's nice to meet you, sir. You're daughter is an amazing young woman." I say as George shakes my hand.

  "She is quite something if I do say do myself," He states still evaluating the situation.

  I turn to her mother and offer my hand in the same gesture. "Mrs. Anderson, lovely to meet you as well. You both must be extremely proud at all she's accomplished." Helen shakes my hand then glances back to Lily and back to me.

  "Mr. Knight, it seems you know my daughter well. How may I ask is that?"

  "Mom!"

  "No, it's alright, Lillian," I say as I hold my hand up to her lightly.

  The truth. Stick with the truth but keep it to generalities. I'm not sure how far I should go into detail with them.

  "I met Lillian while I was on business here in Tampa last September. My assistant set up a photo shoot with a magazine in New York a few weeks ago. I was pleasantly surprised to see your daughter was the photographer."

  "Are you here on business again?" Her father asks trying to get to the bottom of my motive for being here.

  Shit. No. Well, technically, no. In general, yes. I'm momentarily saved by Lil's voice.

  "Actually, dad, Brayden was the one who got me a ticket on such short notice. We've been hanging out, but we're just friends."

  Why is that when Lillian says the word 'friends' it sounds so dirty? As if that one word possibly taints whatever relationship we’ve tried building.

  "I’m here on business, unofficially. After I saw how upset Lillian was last night, I had to make sure she was okay."

  I can see her mother soften at my response, and I give her a smile. So many features of Helen are reflected in Lillian, the same green emerald eyes, complexion, and small nose. However, she has her father's chestnut hair instead of her mother's blonde locks.