Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  Halfway through the song, I feel a hard chest dancing behind me, and it feels so good I can't stop and tell him to leave me alone. After the song merges into Elli Goulding's Burn club remix, I slowly back away from Teenie and dance with the man at my back. His arms aren't enclosed around me, which makes me comfortable, but I do catch a fleeting touch or slight caress on my exposed thigh and the sides of my stomach. The contact burns just like the song says. It's a feeling I've only gotten from one person.

  Mystery man leans into my ear and says, "Fuck. You're so sexy. I couldn't not come over here when you started movin' like that."

  I turn and I'm shocked. It's Brayden. No. It's Brendan. Crap, for some reason my alcohol infused brain can't tell the difference now. Brendan wouldn't touch me like that. Would he?

  I keep dancing and eye Teenie who's dancing with some guy. I feel what I hope is Brendan's touch again. It's like fire enflaming my nerves. It feels so damn good in my current drunken state. I move myself around a little and push my body into his chest.

  He leans down into me again, and I can feel his hot breath on my neck. Oh my God. How I want to rip his clothes off. I've never felt this feeling. I shouldn't feel this.

  "If you don't stop, I'm going to take you right here...right now." His deep voice is demanding in my ear.

  Shit. He's never said things like this to me. It's an exhilarating feeling and makes my nipples tighten in anticipation and my sex clench with need.

  I want to believe this is Brendan so damn bad, but I have a feeling if it's Brayden, he'll be nothing my less than pleased if I call him his brother's name. There is no right answer here. Think Addy. You never told Brayden you were going out. Wait, maybe Brendan told his brother when they talked earlier. Damn, please let me say the right thing.

  "Brendan," I say as I pull on his shirt.

  He gives me a crooked grin and wraps his arms around me while mine snake under his so my hands can run down his beautiful back muscles. What the hell am I doing? I'm engaged to Brayden, but why, oh why, is Brendan here making me feel all of these insane thoughts?

  "Do you want a shot?" He asks.

  I'm definitely going to need some shots to deal with the way my body's reacting to him. "Yeah. Come on."

  He takes my hand and pulls me toward the bar. "Wait!" I say as I pull on his arm. He looks back at me with those incredibly sexy eyes. "I need to tell Teenie where I am."

  He nods then guides us both back to the dance floor. I push my way through to get to Teenie's side.

  "Hey. Bren's here. Wanna do some shots with us?"

  She looks over my shoulder to see Brendan giving her a small wave and smirk. She waves back and says, "Sure."

  As we push through the crowd back to the bar area, I can feel Brendan's grip on my hand getting tighter. I smile at the ground and continue to follow him. I must be insane. I know it's not good to mix too much alcohol and crazy lusty reactions, but damn the man who elicits them from me.

  Why couldn't he be someone else? Why does he have to look exactly like Brayden? It's like every time I look at him I ache to be with him, but then get the feeling it's Brayden and suddenly I'm overwhelmed with guilt like I got caught yearning for his brother.

  When we get to the bar, Brendan asks for a dozen shots of tequila for us. The shots are placed in front of us, and he hands me and Teenie two a piece.

  "Here's to unexplainable decisions," He says as he lifts his shot to us in cheers.

  Fitting toast. I thought.

  Teenie and I raise our shot and take the first one then quickly down the second. I know tequila, my cosmos, and the sake I drank earlier is a lethal combination if I continue drinking. I'm either going to pass out or do something I'll probably regret entirely. I know I can't do either, so I make the decision to stick to water the rest of the night.

  "No more for me," I say as I shake my head and right hand in front of my face. "You guys drink up." I look up to Brendan who has this hungry intensity in his eyes. "You need to catch up anyway."

  "I'm almost there. Trust me."

  Teenie does another shot then asks, "So, Brendan, have you decided to buy a new couch?"

  "Tina Marie. Shut up!"

  I can hear Brendan laugh next to me, but I'm too embarrassed to look at him. I know he has no idea what she means, but what the hell? I don't what to discuss that conversation with Brendan.

  "No, but I did happen to find a table today."

  Now it's me and Teenie's turn to fall out laughing. I did forget to mention that little tidbit to her when I came back to the apartment. He looks at us like we're crazy, and maybe at times, we are.

  "What? What's so funny?" He questions with a laughing tone to his voice.

  I start to speak when Teenie's small hand covers my mouth. "Addy here wanted to get you a table. And before you ask why, she didn't want to eat on your couch due to all the previous visitors of the female variety, which is why she suggested buying you a new couch too."

  "I can assure you there is nothing wrong with my couch. I don't have much time to sit on the thing. I lock up my extra-curricular activities," He confesses.

  I knew it! That room across from the bathroom is his little playroom. Security my ass!

  Teenie busts out laughing and Brendan looks temporarily shocked.

  "Damn. Did I just say that out loud?"

  Brendan just nods his head, and Teenie starts into another laughing fit. Her arm drapes around my shoulders as I put my face in my hands. "Loosen up, Addy. Take another shot. You are far too entertaining to call it quits now."

  I surely don’t need another shot. I need that invisibility cloak from that wizard guy so I can escape right now.

  "Is this playroom sexual in nature?"

  God does this woman shut her hole?

  "Dammit, Teenie. Shut the fuck up!"

  She knocks back another shot then starts laughing before saying, "No. this is good. Our friend here has a kink. So, it's true right? Whips? Paddles? Handcuffs? Ropes?"

  I try to run off but I'm stopped by Brendan's hand around my bicep. He hasn't confirmed or denied Teenie's questions, which has me starting to worry she might actually be right. Brendan can't be one of those guys who wants to dominate women can he? No way. Just thinking about being bound to his mercy both seems way too enticing and extremely freaks me the fuck out.

  He looks in my eyes forgetting about my friend next to us. He's seems to be silently pleading with me. For what I have no idea. The deep mocha of his eyes feel they can make me do anything he asks. And that thought is what has me diverting my eyes to look anywhere but at him.

  Whips? Bonds? Anxiety and fear start to rush over my body. Never again will I let a man do that to me. It practically obliterated me last time.

  "Give us a minute, Tina." He says to Teenie over my shoulder. He then directs his next statement to me. "Come with me."

  When I snap my head up to his intense brown eyes, anger surfaces. I never asked about his personal preferences and surely he doesn't know about what happened to me, but I'll be damn if this doesn't piss me off. I think about his parade of women since I've known him. Each one likes to be...what do they call them? Submissive? Slaves? No. No. No, no no. He's just like Clayton. He wants to tell women what to do and when to do it.

  Of all the people in all the world why can't he be normal like his brother? Why does my body insist on being traitorous to someone I shouldn't want and a man that is just like the person who broke me?

  I wrench my arm out of his grasp, and his eyes widen in surprise. I turn back to my friend and pull at her arm to guide us back to the dance floor. I need to put some distance between Brendan and I.

  "Hey! What's going on?" My obvious drunk friend asks.

  "Has your brain been absent for the last ten minutes?"

  "Well, I am kinda buzzed." I narrow my eyes on her before she relents. "Okay. Okay. A little more than buzzed. What's gotten your panties in a twist?"

  "Think! Try to put two and two together here, Teenie." />
  She's tried to assimilate the pieces, but I can tell she's not really doing a good job of it. Her attention focuses from me to the ceiling then to everyone around her as she dances to the music.

  "I don't know, Addy. He's sexy as sin and being tied to his bed..." She trails off, and her face tells me she's connected the dots. Took her long enough. "Alright. I get it. Do you think it's true though? I mean I was playing with him. Brendan doesn't seem the type to go all BDSM on a woman. Yes, definitely, hot, crazy, passionate fuck-me-against-the-wall type sex, but whips and ball gags? Come on. Be real here."

  I keep dancing and let her words sink in. I thought the same thing. When I'm near him, my body is like a moth to the flame. His eyes bore into my skin and ignite something I can't explain.

  "He's staring you down like something fierce," Teenie says nudging my shoulder.

  I glance up straight into the intense russet eyes that never waiver from me. Even as he takes a shot, his eyes never falter. I can tell the bartender has filled up another dozen shots on the bar. I don't think I've ever seen Brendan drink this much in the three years I've known him.

  I try and block thoughts of Brendan from my mind as I go back to dancing with Teenie. I can't think about him. He's bad new all the way around. My brain knows it. My heart knows it to a certain extent. Now if we can just get my body on board; I can fully be immune to that man's bizarre pull on me.

  Teenie and I dance a few more songs before I need something to drink. Water. Anything else will putting fuel to the fire.

  I've been sneaking glances up to the bar the past thirty minutes or so, and sure enough, Brendan's been there with either a shot in his hand or a bottle of Corona. Before Teenie and I decide we need a drink, I search the place at the bar where Brendan was to make sure to avoid him like the plague. He's not there anymore, so I suppose it's safe to approach.

  As the cool clear liquid calms my insides, I know I can't let Brendan and my wanton thoughts of him direct my actions. I love Brayden. I'm engaged to him for Pete's sake. However, is he in love with me or just love me because we've been through a lot together? My feelings for Brendan are surely not of the friendly nature, but with this new darkness that Brendan has, can I let him in to my heart? My mind automatically says no, but my heart may have different plans.

  ******

  "Ready to head home?" Teenie asks in my ear.

  "Yeah. Bed sounds nice."

  "Bed? Yeah, a bed sounds reeaall niiice," I hear a man slur as a strong arm comes around my right side, and hot breath at my neck. Tequila is a potent smell, and I immediately know it's Brendan.

  Turning to face him, I state, "So go find a woman, tie her up, spank her, whip her, and do all other sorts of things with her. Your bed. Your business."

  "I don't want another women."

  My eyes go wide and my mouth almost drops to the floor. Even in his obvious drunken state, his eyes are gazing at me with such fervor that my body goes from tired to amped and tingly in his personal space.

  "You're drunk."

  "Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not," He responds then takes a long swig of his Corona.

  Just seeing his lips touch the top of that bottle, his Adam's apple move as he swallows, and his tongue swipe a trickle of beer that escaped the side of his mouth has me hot and bothered. If I didn't want him so much, I would smack him for trying to tempt me.

  "You need to get home. You don't look so good."

  "Addy," he says as he puts his arms around my shoulders. I'm sure this steadies him more than showing some kind of friendly gesture. "You think I can have any woman in the place, but in fact, I can't."

  "Bren, your drunk. You need to go home."

  "Alone. Alone. All alone." It sounds like he's starting to sing. What was going through his head to make him drink so much? Now I feel bad, and my responsibility as his family is to get him home. I can't call Brayden or he'll know we were out together. I have to do this by myself.

  "Teenie, help me call a cab. I'm going to make sure this one gets home."

  Chapter

  19

  Brendan

  It might not have been the smartest idea to drink my problems away. When Addy blurted out she knew I had a playroom, I was more than shocked. She knew I lied to her but for good reason. Believe me when I say, I've dreamt about having that woman tied to my bed all naked and tanned as I caress her curves and hear he moans. I can't think of much else when I'm near her, but I could never open that part of me up. Not only fear of my brother and our relationship, but also the fact that Addison is pure and doesn't need the dark side of anything. She deserves romance and love making not the shit I like.

  After I saw the fear in her eyes and tension in her arm, I wanted to explain so she doesn't think I'm some kind of freak. Plus, I don't need my brother to know anything I do. It's probably one of the only things I've never told him. Okay, one of the two. My feelings for Addison being the first.

  I didn't have a horrible childhood or lose a parent or even get beaten up. I had my brother and sports, and even though our parents divorced, they did love us. I don't have this underlying need to whip women or bring them any sort of immense pain for my pleasure. My tastes have just materialized after having so much experience with the opposite sex.

  After I bought my apartment, I knew I wanted a spare bedroom in case family wanted to crash. The third room was mostly unused expect when I brought women over, plus I didn't want my guests to sleep in the same bed I played in. It's not a dungeon or anything, and you can't really tell it's anything but a normal bedroom...well, except for the leather bonds attached to the bedposts.

  I like to tie a woman up and play with toys if the situation arises. It's not about dominance or at least not extreme dominance, but more about seeing a woman get aroused, bring her to a state of extreme pleasure, and know I'm the one who brought her there.

  Girlfriends? I don't have time for those. That's for my brother. That's what my parents’ fifteen marriages did to me. Where Brayden is scared to commit because he wants this once in a lifetime love and only marry once, I vowed to never get married. I don't want to go through anything that would hurt me as much as I saw my parents hurt. Sex is sex, and emotional entanglements don't exist...at least not for me. Sure, I've had the same woman come back a few times, but they all knew my view on anything beyond sex. It wouldn't ever happen.

  Watching Addy get upset and dance with her friend like she's putting on a show messed me up. I wanted to explain, but she didn't give me the opportunity to. So I did the only thing I thought to be the right thing, I drank and watched over her.

  Now, that is where I know I went wrong. Alcohol and watching the woman who has plagued my thoughts and fantasies grind against her friend threw me into deranged territory. I watched her calf muscles move while she bent her knees and shimmied down with the beat. As she would come up, the curve of her ass would stick out pushing her chest forward and her oh so perfect breasts tight against her shirt. Her blonde hair now streaked with hints of purple and pink moved with her gyrating body. This woman is complete sin.

  I consumed another dozen shots on top of the first six I had when I was with her and Tina. Couple that with three Coronas, the beer I had with my brother and the sake, I was pretty trashed, and it was all over this gorgeous woman. This woman, who at the present time, is now trying to stuff me in a cab and bring me home.

  "I got him Teenie. Thanks."

  "No problem. Call me and let me know you got there safe. Love you. See you later."

  Tina closes the door as I lean over to tell the cabbie my address. I must have gotten it wrong because Addy tells me to shut up then rambles off another address.

  My eyes get heavy, but I can't resist the urge to stare at Addy and imagine us together without any ruse or brother fighting brother situation with Brayden. She lights my fire, burns my desires, and fuels my fantasies. She's temptation, and I love the punishment.

  We make it to my apartment building and hand her my wallet to pay f
or the cab. She supports my frame around my waist, and the undeniable urge to kiss her enters my mind.

  This, my friends, is exactly why you never mix alcohol and your brother's sexy-as-sin fiancée then shove them in an elevator. It will get you seriously hurt.

  Seriously.

  Without a second thought...or a brain...I lean down to kiss Addy's cheek and lose my balance, slamming the side of my face into the elevator wall. I clutch my head as Addy yells about God and drunken fools who need to control themselves. I can't make out much because the throbbing in my head is so intense.

  I hear the telltale ding of the cart reaching my floor, and Addison pulling at my arm trying to get me off the thing. When I get up, I feel lightheaded and stubble backwards out of the elevator then sideways hitting a wall.

  "How much did you have to drink?"

  I ignore her question and try to concentrate on getting to my apartment. The hallway seems a lot longer than usual, so I squint my eyes and count the doors out loud until I reach mine. Addy pulls at my arm, but I don't budge.

  "My place."

  It sounds so caveman. Like I wear a loincloth and bang my fists on my chest to tell people this is where I live. I can see myself talking like a caveman too. My cave. My woman. You leave.

  I look up to a giggle, and it's Addy. "Your place. Over here," She says in her own kind of cavewoman voice. I laugh and realize my brain let my mouth ramble my thoughts. At least it wasn't anything stupid or incriminating.

  We make it in my apartment, and I stagger to my couch while unbuttoning my shirt. I lay lengthwise then pat the space beside my head for her to sit. Her eyes roam my body focusing on my abs and chest, and I am momentarily glad I keep working out just to see the hunger in her sapphire eyes. My gaze moves up her legs to those shorts over her belly up the swell of her breasts to her collarbone ending on those lips I've longed to kiss.

  "I want to want but I can't."