Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  "Addy, I was engaged then, and he never told me he was with anyone. I was honest about my relationship status with him from the beginning. Nothing happened and nothing will happen. We are strictly friends." As much as my words are trying to reassure her I am not going to take her man, I still feel that hint of sadness that my words are somehow true, and Brayden will never be mine.

  "I appreciate your honesty. I actually wanted to tell you what happened the night I found him in his office. I believe that was your wedding night." I nod my head not sure what Brayden actually told her. I keep quiet and let her continue. "He was a mess, and for me to say that about Bray is a big deal. He's controlled and I've never seen him lose that control.

  "He was slumped over his desk with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a picture of you in the other. I was a little shocked to see he had a picture of another woman, but it made me think of how unlike Brayden his behavior was. I knew then you meant something to him."

  All this time, all the worry I had from the time I left him standing there in Tampa, and all the doubt I had in the months leading up to my failed wedding, Addison is here saying I meant something to him. Why didn't he call me or contact me somehow? If he just would have reached out.

  But why would he? I gave him no impression I felt the same. No glimpse as to how I was fighting off my body's reaction to him. No inkling our time together was anything more than a fleeting friendship that was destined to end.

  "Addison, I-"

  "Please hear me out. I couldn't stand to see him so confused and hurt. I'm not blaming you. You didn't know. He told me you were honest with him, but what Brayden does is keep people at a distance so he doesn't get hurt. He's scared, Lillian."

  I nod knowing what she's talking about. "His parents."

  "Yeah. He's so scared to end up like them. Jumping from one marriage to the next. He's scared to give his heart to someone only to have it ripped from his chest. I believe that's why he's taken so long to propose to me, which I believe he did as a knee jerk reaction after that night.

  "Don't get me wrong. I love Brayden. He's one of my best friends, and I don't think I could have survived the aftermath of my previous relationship without him. He was my rock, and I'm grateful to be in his life.

  "When he told me he met back up with you, it felt like a sign. I don't know fate, destiny, hell, something telling me I needed to let him make sure he was 100% sure I was who he wanted...and he was who I wanted. I didn't want him to marry me because I was second best or a consolation prize. I want to be someone's only."

  I keep quiet but nod in agreement. I know exactly what she means. When you look down that aisle, you want to see eyes that express much more in their depths that can ever be expressed in words. I know I didn't have that with Damon.

  "I'm not telling you this to upset you or come off as an overprotective jealous woman coming to scratch your eyes out. I'm not like that. I wanted to tell you that I love him, but I love him enough to let him love you because I know he does. He's in love with you, Lillian."

  Now, I can't help my let my mouth drop open and almost start to cry. I don't know this woman, and she's telling me her fiancé, the person she loves, the person promised to commit to her for the rest of his life, the person I'm in love with is in love with me. I don't think I can form words if I tried right now. The shock and awe of it all has me dazed.

  "I wanted to tell you face-to-face. I'm actually on my way to his office now. I'm going to tell him the wedding’s off. He deserves a lifetime of happiness that I know he can get that with you."

  "Addison, I don't know," I say shakily. "You love him."

  "I do, but you're in love with him, Lillian. And to me, that means everything."

  I do love him. I am in love with him. I can't deny that anymore. I can't even deny that to Addison. My eyes look toward my knotted hands.

  "You do love him don't you?"

  I have to be honest. I haven't told anyone how I feel about Brayden. Hell, I just really figured it out myself not too long ago. However, sitting here talking to Addison as if she's my best friend, I open up and disclose my heart.

  "Yes, I'm in love with him."

  Her lip starts to quiver, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. Tears from my confession or the fact I love her fiancé. I don't know which, but I have to explain so she doesn't hate me before she even knows me.

  "When we met in Tampa, I thought I was the happiest person in the world. I was engaged to a good man, I had the friendship of my best friend, and the love and support of my family. I thought I had everything until Brayden walked up and talked to me.

  "It was like something shifted in me. Even though I was promised to another man, I couldn't help but feel the fire that ignited on my skin when she shook my hand. It was like space and time stilled for that one moment when my hand was in his."

  Addy took my hands in hers and gave them a light squeeze to continue speaking. "We talked about some photos I took, and then he told me he had to leave but he wanted to see me again. I rambled off a place I would go and take pictures sometime, but I never gave him my number just in case I rationalized my reaction to him later on.

  "For hours that day I sat on the beach replaying our conversation and the feelings inside me. I could only compare them to the feelings I had with Damon, which failed to seem similar. I knew in my heart something was different about Brayden.

  "In those three weeks, I let myself open up to someone I felt could keep my secrets and share my experiences. It was liberating, and at the same time scary as hell. When it was time for him to leave, I told myself it was for the best. I couldn't break my promise to Damon. I wasn't raised that way."

  "You loved him even then," She states plainly.

  "I don't know, maybe. Maybe it was my sign that I needed to get away from Damon. That Damon wasn't the guy for me. When I came here, I never intended to jump back into our friendship like nothing happened. I guess it happened without even realizing it.

  "He was up front with me about his engagement, and he seemed genuinely happy. I knew I couldn't interfere. I want to see him happy, and if that's with you, than I'm going to support that."

  "Lillian, he belongs with you. I can see that now," Addy says as she takes one of her hands and wipes a tear off her face. "Thank you for telling me."

  I smile not really knowing what else to say. I just told Brayden's fiancée that I'm in love with him. I feel guilty I let these feelings simmer so long and explode into this deep seeded love.

  "I'm going to talk to him. I have some explaining of my own to do. You both deserve to be happy. I hope you know that." Addy stands and I follow. She wraps me in a hug so I reciprocate. "Thank you for the shoot. I can't wait to see how the pictures came out."

  "I'll let you know," I say as she hands me a card with her contact information.

  "I expect an invite to your wedding," She replies, and I can't help but blush.

  When Addison closes the door, I slump back onto the couch resting my head back so I look toward the ceiling. He's not going to be engaged anymore. Addison said she wants to see us happy. I smile at the thought of Brayden and I together. The future that I saw us living the last couple weeks in Tampa as a couple might actually become a reality.

  Chapter 25

  Addison

  I'm a coward. That's right. I admit it. I'm the biggest coward I know because for the last two weeks I've avoided Brendan like the plague. I've hung out with Teenie and tried to run through my thoughts of him, but all I keep thinking about is his last murmured words before he passed out.

  It's you.

  God, is that even possible? Could I be the one woman Brendan wants but can't have? It would make sense; however, it wasn't just that statement that had me freaking out and pressing the 'fuck you' button every time he called my cell. It was the sinking feeling that whatever this is between Brendan and I was going to destroy Brayden.

  I talked to Teenie for days going back and forth, overanalyzing my feelings for the
m both, then getting drunk to deal with my one conclusion.

  I'm completely in love with Brendan Knight.

  I had a feeling I've been in love with him, but I never wanted to confuse love with lust. However, after bringing him home that night and hearing him go on about the one he can't have and he doesn't think he's good enough for her, I went all emotional and poured all I had into telling him he was good enough for this mystery woman. After his final words, I might actually be this woman.

  How can he think he's not good enough for me? He's all I could ever want. He's kind, considerate, interested in my career, determined in his, funny, and lights something in me that I can't explain. In spite of his history of obvious extra-curricular activities, Brendan is exactly the type of man I could see myself marrying and having babies with.

  As I step into the cool New York air, I can't help but smile. Lillian is exactly how I'd imagined she'd be. Honest, respectful, and a complete babe. No wonder Brayden's in love with her. And if I didn't know before she told me, she's in love with him too.

  Although it might have been hard to hear from her, I wasn't actually upset she told me how she felt about Brayden. I thought I would feel something...anything besides relief, but it never came. No jealousy. No hard feelings. Nothing but relief in the knowledge Brayden is going to get exactly what he's always wanted. Someone to love and that person to return his love equally and passionately.

  I take this as a sign that my photo shoot for GQ was meant to be. I was meant to meet with Lillian and talk to her. I was meant to come to the realization in her studio that Brayden does love me, but he's not in love with me. It also solidified the fact I love Brayden as a good friend and I care what happens to him. He’ll always have a piece of me. He fixed me when I was broken, helped me to see the good in things again, and allowed me to move forward regardless of the horror in my past. He made me realize I could be good for the right man. But today I know the right man is the one who has my whole heart, Brendan.

  I've made my decision. I can't let our relationship continue with all the knowledge I possess now. It would be wrong, unfair, and cruel to keep this up. That's why I'm walking purposefully around pedestrians and through the streets to get to Brayden's office.

  I should call to make sure he's there and has time to see me for a minute. It won't take long, but it's a necessary conversation. I find his work number and press send. Candice answers on the second ring.

  "Knight Enterprises. This is Candice speaking. How may I help you?"

  "Hi Candice. It's Addison."

  "Hello, Miss. James. Would you like to speak to Mr. Knight?"

  "No. Does Brayden have some free time within the hour? I would like to stop by and see him." I need to do this in person. Breaking up over the phone is just plain lame.

  "Let me check." Candice pauses and I hear her pushing keys on her keyboard. "Yes, ma'am. Mr. Knight has about half hour before his next appointment."

  However, before I can continue and tell her thanks, out of the corner of my eye I see a black car whipping around the corner. I scream so loud all of downtown Manhattan could hear me right before my body explodes with pain and the bright lights of the afternoon immediately turn black.

  Chapter 26

  Brayden

  My second day back to work has been nothing short of a disaster. It's not that Brendan didn't do any work, but the feeling of being back in control after two weeks spent relaxing with Lillian is a bit overwhelming.

  By lunch, I'm beat and Candice brings in a sandwich and a bottle of water then leaves me to my thoughts. Today is Lil's first shoot as staff photographer. She couldn't hide her excitement on the phone this morning. I think she actually called me before I left my bed. I never pegged her for a morning person.

  Brendan wants to talk with me after work at his place. Even though I'm not dreading the conversation, I am going to tell him I've made my decision. I don't need his approval, but his support is definitely something that will help me move forward.

  My plan is to spill my guts to my brother, get his advice, then move forward and tell Addison I know what I want. I think that's why I need my brother's advice. I still haven't figured out the best way to tell Addy. I know I'm going to hurt her, but I need to do it in a way that she knows I still want her friendship. After I get over that hurdle, I’ll be able to sit Lillian down and lay my heart out there, become completely vulnerable, and hope she feels the same way.

  A couple more hours pass with things to catch up on until I hear Candice barging through the door with a look of complete horror on her face. She's pale, shaking, and her mouth is moving slowly, but can't get the words to vocalize.

  "Candice, what's wrong?" I ask getting up from my desk to meet her halfway.

  "Oh God. I c-called the police. I-I don't know an-anything else." She starts to shake her head and it's freaking me out.

  Candice is focused and does things right the first time. There's no need to look over them. I can count on her, and right now, I have no idea what's rattling her up.

  "Why did you call the police? What happened?"

  "It's Miss James. She called to meet with you. After I told her when you had some free time, I heard a crash. I have no idea where she was or what happened, but she never answered me when I yelled for her through the phone."

  Addy? My face goes as white as Candice's as possibilities race through my mind. I need to find her first. God knows where she is and where they're going to take her.

  "Call Roosevelt Hospital now. Demand to find out if Addy is there. I'll call the police station to see if they can get me any details."

  "Yes, sir. I'll let you know if I hear anything."

  I nod and quickly go to my desk to call the local precinct. Twenty minutes later, they're able to identify a woman was hit by a car and rushed to Roosevelt Hospital with severe injuries. I thank the officer as Candice reappears in my office.

  "She's there. All they could tell me was she just got in."

  "I need to go."

  With that, I grab my jacket and rush down through the lobby and out the door. Hailing a cab, I tell him to step on it as the drive to the hospital beats at my heart and my mind. Addy was hit by a car. She's suffered severe injuries that no one can tell me what's going on. I'm tempted to call Lillian, but I know it won't change the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something wasn't quite right. This horrible feeling I've been carrying around for the last few days has been eating away at me.

  This is my punishment for choosing one over the other.

  The ringing of my phone snaps me out of my misery for a second before the cab stops and I jump out to pay the man giving him my thanks. I jab at my phone running through the hospital doors.

  "Yeah."

  "What the fuck is happening? Becky said something happened to Addy."

  "I just got here man. All I know is she got hit by a car."

  "Fuck! I'm on my way."

  I hang up and immediately find the receptionist and tell her my fiancée came in through an ambulance and I need to see her right away. She directs me to emergency services where the receptionist there tells me I have to wait.

  "I need to know what's going on now! That's my fiancée for Christ sakes!"

  I don't care if I'm screaming or yelling. I don't care if I was going to call it quits with Addy. I don't care if Lillian walked in right now. Addison, one of my best friends, is in there, and I have no fucking clue what's going to happen.

  Time passes as it always does, but the length seems to draw out with every breath I take. I feel a hand on my shoulder as my brother comes to kneel by my side.

  "Bro, tell me she's going to be okay. Tell me." He's pleading, begging me to confirm something I don't know myself.

  I can't look at him. I can't give him what he wants because I don't even know. No one is telling me anything, and it's killing me.

  "Mr. Knight?"

  Both me and Brendan shoot our heads up toward a doctor in a white coat with a blue scrub cap. In
a rush to get up, I near fall over.

  "I think you need to have a seat, sir."

  "Please just tell me what happened and that my fiancée’s going to be alright."

  "Miss James was hit by a car. She sustained multiple broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a broken arm, a fractured leg, as well as a severe head contusion. She's in critical condition in the ICU."

  "Don't let her die! She can't die!" My brother screams.

  I look to my brother in shock and realize he considers Addy family just as much as I do. He knows this would break me. Break us.

  "Mr. Knight. We're doing everything we can. Miss James slipped into a coma. She'll be moved to the ICU as soon as possible, and we'll be continually monitoring her condition. The nurse will let you know her room arrangements as soon as they are available."

  I just nod my thanks because nothing seems the right thing to say. The doctor retreats behind the swinging doors and leaves me and Brendan a crippled messed in the waiting room.

  Minutes pass as staff, patients, and visitors move around among us. It's as if we're suspended in time watching the happenings continue without fail. My mind aches. My heart hurts. And I have no idea how to make things better.

  "Do you want to call Lillian?"

  I look up to my brother, but I have no response. I should want to call her. I should want her here with me, but I can't bring myself to voice anything. I was supposed to see Brendan tonight and talk then after return to Lil's if it wasn't late. I stare at the black screen of my phone and wonder what I should do.

  Brendan grasps my phone in his hand and tries to pull it away from me. "Let me, bro." My grip tightens, but I still don't let go. "Bray, please man. Trust me." I look up to meet his worried and concerned face. The one person I've trusted my entire life. And I know it's okay to let go.

  When I release my phone, my head drops and my fingers entwine together behind my head as my elbows rest on my thighs. I feel helpless and defeated. I feel like I've somehow responsible for what happened. I may not have caused the accident, but she was coming to see me.