Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  "Which brings me back to what I saw in the park. I knew it then. While Lillian loved me, she would never look at me like she looked at you. And, regrettably, I would never look at her like I look at Nora.

  "It took me some time to open up to Nora about my feelings for her, and at first, she was upset at me and rightfully so. I mean I was engaged to her best friend and was in love with her. How is that ever a good combination?” He lets out a drawn out sigh. “Let me tell you. It's not."

  What Damon is saying is not only hitting home; it's driving it there. It's cementing what I figured out yesterday. I need to talk to Addison and explain. She'll be upset I'm sure, but I'd rather her be upset than hating me. I still want to be friends; I just can't give her what she needs from me.

  "She's in love with you even if she won't admit it."

  "Damon, I don't thi-"

  "Man, I know you're smarter than that," He replies matter of factly.

  I sigh and fiddle with my coffee cup. Should I say this out loud? I'm sure it would probably piss him off, but this man just told me a brief history. My brother mentioned this before, but I didn't know a few weeks ago. I didn't want to ever assign a name to the feeling.

  "I'm in love with her."

  He nods his head in approval. "She's a great woman as I'm sure you already know. Treat her right."

  Damon stands and offers his hand. "I appreciate the chat."

  "Likewise." And then he turns to leave through the glass door.

  I sit silently replaying my conversation with Damon. Even though I think he waited too long to come clean with Lil, I'm glad he didn't marry her out of obligation. He said he knows she loves me, but that hasn’t ever been discussed. It's definitely a hurdle we need to cross, and I'm hoping we can do that when we get back home.

  With renewed purpose, I make my way outside and call a cab. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know what I'm looking for. It might be too soon, but something tells me I’ll be needing it.

  ******

  "Is there a particular place you wanna eat our last night in town?" I ask as Lil as we stroll along the streets, Lil taking pictures and me watching her work.

  "Can we invite my parents?"

  "Of course. I would never deny you time with your folks."

  "What about GrillSmith's?"

  "Do they have steak? I could really go for one now."

  "Of course. I would never deny you time with a steak," She jokes.

  "Come on woman." I grip her wrist and pull her toward the hotel. "Call your parents and see if they wanna go while we head back to the hotel to get ready."

  She laughs, and I have a feeling it's going to be like this with us. Always joking and laughing and having a good time. Lillian makes me feel free from the confines from constant work. It's great to have someone to share time with that lets you be yourself and is willing to offer themselves up in return.

  ******

  As Lil gets ready in her hotel room, I quickly get ready in mine. I didn't disclose my meeting with Damon. I feel guilty about it to some degree. As much as I like the fact Damon and I had a civil conversation and things were brought to light, I still have this feeling I'm lying to her. It's something I'm going to rectify on our flight back tomorrow.

  My cell dings with a message and I grab it before putting on my shoes. It's my brother.

  I need to get with you when you come home.

  Nothing wrong just wanna get with my bro.

  Well, that's a relief. The company didn't fall apart or my apartment didn't burn down.

  Sure. How about the 2nd? I know I'll have

  some things to catch up on at work, but that'll

  give me two days to get back to normal.

  His reply is instant.

  My place at 5.

  As I start to place the phone in my pocket it's starts to ring. I don't bother to check and see who it is.

  "Brayden Knight."

  "Hey you ready?" Lillian. I would recognize her voice anywhere.

  "Yeah. You're parents decided to come?"

  "They're in the lobby waiting on us. You take too long."

  I let out a laugh. "No I don't. You women take way longer than us men."

  "Bet?" Oh this is definitely going to be a good night.

  "Alright. What are we going to wager?"

  "If I'm right, then you have too...buy me dinner when we get back home."

  Little does she know I would do that anyway, but I'll let her stew on that for a while.

  "And if I win?"

  "I dunno. You pick."

  Oh this has to be something she's not expecting. Something so I can spend more time with her. Think.

  "Alright. If I win, we sit together on the way home."

  "Don't bribe me with the enjoyment of your company and the luxury of first class. I can fall asleep in those comfy seats after a nice drink."

  "How do we know which of us wins?" I ask as I turn the door nob to leave my room.

  "We already have."

  I come face to face with Lil wearing a blue cotton knee length dress with black sandals, smiling. My heart pounds away at my chest as she sways side to side and her dress moves with her.

  "How long have you been standing out here?"

  "Ever since I called you," She replies with mirth in her voice trying to hold back a smile biting both lips between her teeth.

  "You win," I relent. "Dinner's on me." Her wide smile returns, and I'm all to happy to give her anything she wants. First class included.

  ******

  We had a great dinner with her parents. The food was delicious, and our conversation flowed like any other one we've had. No awkward silences or embarrassing moments. Lil is more like her dad than her mother, which will hopefully make what I'm about to do bit easier.

  "Mr. Anderson, would you like to join me for a drink at the bar?"

  "Sure, son." George gets up from our table and kisses his wife on the forehead. "I won't be long." Helen returns his smile then looks to me and winks.

  I look to Lil where she is just gawking at me. I lean down and give a chaste kiss on her cheek, and she leans into my lips. I wouldn't normally kiss her like that, but it was more to deter her questions than trying to put on a show for her parents. I know it won't help, but this is the only time I'm going to be able to talk to her father face-to-face.

  You might be thinking Brayden, dude, you have got to be the dumbest tool in the shed. Asking Lillian's father for permission to marry Lil when you're still engaged to Addy. Oh wait don't forget to mention neither you or Lillian has breached the subject of a relationship or feelings for one another.

  I know all of this, and I'll admit it's probably stupid. However, I'm planning on righting the entire situation when we get back to New York. Addison deserves to hear these things straight from me, and Lillian deserves complete and total honesty. I'm going to do both.

  When we make it to the bar, I look back to see Lillian in conversation with her mother. No doubt trying to figure out why I'm over here talking to her father.

  "Brayden, I have a feeling as to why you've requested my presence instead of addressing the issue at the table."

  This man doesn't beat around the bush. I like him.

  "What would you like to drink?"

  "Son, shoot me straight here. Say it."

  You might be thinking I'm either a complete asshole or completely insane. I'm sure I might be both to some degree, but George holds the key to my future with Lillian. And I know how traditional they are. Without a blessing, marrying Lillian is out of the question even if MAGIC! sings otherwise.

  "Sir, I'm in love with Lillian. I think I fell in love with her when it wasn't right to fall for her. I want to ask your permission to marry her."

  George looks from me back at his wife and daughter then back to me. "You know the last person to ask me that hurt her."

  "I know sir, and I don't plan on making his mistake." I take a deep breath and come clean. Better say it now than have it come
out later. "Honestly, right now Lil and I are friends. I'm returning home to close a relationship."

  "Brayden, are you telling me you're with someone else, but you're in love with my daughter? Does Lily know about this?"

  Damn. This was supposed to be easy. Now, I have to explain it better in hopes he gives me his blessing.

  "I am, sir, however, I've realized that I’m completely in love with your daughter. Yes, Lil knows of my situation with Addison. It's not ideal, but when I thought I lost Lillian forever, I chose to take another path. One I regret going down. I wish I took the one that lead to your daughter in the first place." I give a slight laugh, and George eyes me questioningly. "I don't even know if she loves me."

  "I've been around a bit longer than you, so I'll give you a little advice." He leans on the bar and looks to his wife. "That woman over there stole my heart the first time I laid eyes on her. It took me a while to figure out just how stupid I was if I let her go." He glances back at me and adds, "I wasn't in your same situation, but I think you get my point." I nod in agreement.

  He moves his gaze on to Lillian. "No matter what you think or what she's said, my daughter's in love with you."

  My heart speeds up, but my expression is disbelief. "How do you know?"

  This is the second person to tell me Lil's in love with me. How can they know and not me? Are they right and she's not telling me? It's the situation we find ourselves in that's keeping her closed off. I know it is.

  He looks back to me and squares his shoulders. "Do you think I would call just anyone son?"

  "I guess not, but I was hopeful it was a good sign."

  "It is. I saw how she looks at you. I look at her mother the same way. I can see it in her eyes and yours. My suggestion? Be honest with her and honest with yourself. If this thing with you and Addison is coming to a close, do that before saying anything to Lillian. If Lil feels the same way after, come see me."

  Oddly enough, I’m not disappointed. He’s looking out for Lil, which is to be expected. However, I’m leaving here with some definite positives. He calls me son. He knows Lillian loves me. And he gave me advice with the opportunity to meet up with him again after his daughter reciprocates my feelings. I didn’t get George’s blessing yet, but all-in-all, I’d say this trip has been extremely productive.

  Chapter 24

  Lillian

  Today is my first official photo shoot as a GQ staff photographer. To say I am ecstatic is the understatement of the year. My elation is magnified by so many other aspects of my life following the positive path my career has taken. My life looks promising and bright for the first time in months.

  In the two weeks Brayden and I stayed in Tampa, Nora and I talked, my dad took his first steps toward healing, and I've utterly fallen in love with Brayden Knight. Although I didn't spend much time with Nora, we did promise to start contacting each other. I feel it's better we start this way.

  I got to spend some much needed time with my parents, and I can tell they love Brayden. I mean who wouldn't want to spend time with an intelligent, caring, and swoon worthy man? Even though my time was limited with them, I still made the best of it. Having Brayden by my side supporting me through my whirlwind of emotions with my dad's diagnosis helped.

  Many things in my life currently revolve around Brayden. Anywhere I go I see him. I can see him in my apartment or at my studio. I can see us walking down Fifth Avenue or stopping by the coffee house by my place. He's the first person I see when I get up and the last before I go to bed, thanks to his picture. Call it being blinded by love or just crazy, but ever since he flew down to Tampa something is different about him. He's more of a flirt, and little gestures like holding my hand or kissing my cheek have become more frequent. They make me forget that our situation is still the way it was before we left. He's still engaged.

  Instead of letting memories of Brayden consume me before my shoot, I decide to get everything prepared. While I'm setting up lighting equipment and making sure the dressing room is completed, I receive a package.

  As I open it, I feel a huge smile play across my face. It's the photos from the GQ shoot of Brayden and his brother. I had the company enlarge the pictures on their own canvas instead in one huge frame. Two images are horizontal 24"x12" shots and two are vertical 12"x24" shots. All four have both brothers and they're playful and fun and extremely gorgeous to look at. I’ll give you one guess who's my favorite. I go to hang the pictures on the wall I designated and stand to admire my work.

  About five minutes later, I hear a knock at my studio door. When I open it, I have a weird feeling I've seen this woman before.

  "Hi, you must be Lillian Anderson," The gorgeous woman says with a smile on her beautiful face. She's as stunning as I thought a model would be in person.

  "Yeah, hello. Please come in." I gesture for her to enter then try to figure out where I've seen her before. "I'm sorry, but you look extremely familiar."

  The pretty woman smiles and a line of straight pearly white teeth shines on her face. "I'm glad we're getting the chance to formally meet, Miss Anderson. I'm Addison. Addison James."

  I'm trying not to wig out as I realize where I've seen this woman before. This is Brayden's fiancée. This was the woman on Brendan's arm when I saw him all those weeks ago in Times Square. Why any guy would choose me over her is nuts. Even I'm not embarrassed to tell you this woman is gorgeous.

  I have to put a good face on. I can't let my emotions show. She's going to marry Brayden. Smiling, I offer her my hand.

  "It's a pleasure to meet you Miss James. I've heard only good things about you."

  While most people see that line is fake, it's far from it. I've never heard Brayden speak ill or complain about Addison is any way. From what I know, she's a nice person that's willing to sacrifice for the ones she loves, and I respect her for that.

  "The pleasure is mine. I was hoping we could meet sometime. If this is too awkward, I could set up something else with the magazine."

  "No. Don't be silly. It's perfectly fine. The session usually takes about an hour to complete. I'll see you to the dressing room."

  As I walk Addison toward the room, she eyes me. Not in a creepy way, but I'm sure in a this-is-who-is-spending-time-with-my-fiancé way. I feel the need to speak to her about it, but I don't think she wants to hear about Brayden and I spending the last month hanging out together. That's gotta make any woman jealous.

  She walks into the dressing room quietly as I tell her what the magazine wants and what to expect when we start shooting. She seems comfortable despite the fact she knows I've had personal time with her fiancé. I start to feel guilty, but I know I can't let that show. I have a job to do.

  A few minutes later, she emerges from the room in a white silk robe, bare legs and feet. Her blonde hair is long and in loose curls with strands of pink and purple. I can't help but compliment her of her choice of color. It's fun and different and completely unlike what I expected a model's hair to look like.

  "I absolutely love your hair, Miss James," I say politely.

  "Please call me Addy. I feel like I know you already, and thank you. I got it done recently." She looks a bit shy but still smiles.

  I smile back then switch into professional mode. I need this mode now because the next thirty to forty-five minutes I'm going to see this woman naked...well, mostly naked.

  I hand Addy a long sheer piece of fabric and instruct her on how we're going to proceed. With her back to me, she releases the robe and is standing in white lace boy shorts waiting for further direction.

  "Hold the fabric between both hands behind your back. Lift your left hand up letting the sheer mold to your back." She does as instructed holding the material on an angle between her lifted left hand and her right hand that's pointed down to the ground. "Great. Now turn your body slightly to your right." As she turns, I can see just a glimpse of the under swell of her breast come into view. "Perfect."

  I take more pictures with her back toward the camera, but
the sheer material over slung over her shoulder, her right hand straight above her head letting the material hand just to the right of her lace clad rear, and more of the material running under her left leg while she's holding the ends behind her and to her left. The images are sensual, flirty, and will probably make any guy who looks at them hot and bothered.

  Addison goes to change two more times into different color boy shorts. One using a matching T-shirt as the prop and another using just her hands as a cover over her perfectly shaped breasts. I'm envious and not the least bit ashamed to say so.

  I can also see why Brayden's marrying her. She's funny and genuine. She doesn't act like she's above you or that you don't matter. We talk about how she started in modeling and a little bit of her life in the south. I told her a bit about college in Miami and some stories about Nora and I's stupidity when drinking. By the end of the session, I could honestly see myself being her friend.

  When she's dressed and walking out of the dressing room, she looks a little uneasy. Why should she be? We just spent the better part of an hour with her practically naked.

  "Lillian, do you have a few minutes you could spare?"

  "Sure. You were my only client today."

  I walk over to the small sofa Brayden put in as a gift after I signed the papers. I offer her a seat and occupy the space next to her.

  "I wanted to talk to you about Brayden." She's finally addressing the big elephant in the room we're managed to avoid for an hour. "I saw him when he got back from his trip to Tampa, and he looked heartbroken. I didn't know why until about five months later. He told me about your time together."