Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  However, things don't always go as planned.

  As I sit here holding Addy's soft hand, everything in me rips apart. The years I've wasted, all the times I've avoided telling her how much I care about her, every single moment we had meant something to me...and now everything crashes down.

  My brother is assuming the worse but won't give me the time of day to explain. I don't know if she's going to wake up, and by god, I haven't even kissed her yet. My feelings have been locked up so tight, but now, all I want to do is tell her everything I've kept secret.

  My cries turn to sobs. Uncontrollable sobs. And I don't care who hears me. Somehow, someway, I hope Addy does.

  "Addy, I'm so sorry. God, come back to me."

  It's my plea. My prayer.

  "I love you. Do you hear me? I love you so much."

  So many times I've wished I was able to say that to her so she could see and hear how true that is.

  "Come back to me, baby. Don't let go. I'm nothing without you."

  Nothing. I will be nothing if she doesn't wake up.

  The next couple hours were more of the same. Beeps, whoosh sounds of the ventilator, and Addy not opening her eyes. I know someone could be in a coma for hours or days, hell even longer, but I can't...won't think that far. I just sit here holding her hand praying for her to come back to me.

  ******

  The stiffness in my neck and blanket draped over me lets me know I fell asleep in the chair holding Addy's hand.

  Still no change.

  "Sir?" A female voice asks behind me.

  "Yes."

  "I'll sit with her if you wanna go get a shower and some breakfast."

  I crank my neck around to look at a petite brunette nurse with a kind smile in scrubs with a cheery Minnie Mouse pattern. Her smile turns shy and looks away slightly. Before Addison, I would think that was sexy, but nothing gets me like Addy does. Even though I've had sexual experiences while knowing her, it was more to block her from my mind than anything. It wouldn't help though. Every woman I slept with reminded me of Addison, and I couldn't finish unless I was thinking about her.

  "Do you think she'll wake up before I get back?"

  "I don't know, sir. We always hope."

  I nod not really knowing if I'm agreeing with her statement or wanting some food and a hot shower. My appetite is bordering on non-existent, but I wouldn't mind changing.

  "Will you call me if her condition changes?"

  "I will personally. I'll take care of her."

  "Thank you...umm..."

  "Sarah," She says with a smile. "She's in good hands."

  "Brendan Knight."

  "Take a shower and get something to eat, Mr. Knight."

  I bend down to kiss Addison's cheek chastely before checking she's tucked in snugly then heading for the door. I look back once, sneaking one more glance before I head out of her room.

  I need to pack some clothes I can keep at the hospital, take a shower, grab some food, and call Becky so I know what's going on at work. I still haven't heard from my brother, but that talk has got to be pushed to the backburner for now. He's going to have to reach out to me. My priorities don't have an altercation with my brother in the top ten right now.

  As the cab pulls up to my building, I call Becky.

  "Mr. Knight, how is Miss James today?"

  I sigh and try and reign in my emotions. I may need to hit something. Preferably at a gym, but it may be something in my apartment if my control disintegrates.

  "Still in a coma, Becky. Nothing's changed."

  "I'm sorry, sir. Would you like me to send flowers?"

  "Flowers? What are flowers going to do when she's in a fucking coma, Becky? Not a God damn thing!" The second I was done I regretted my words and the tone I said them in. Becky's been nothing but supportive and considerate not to mention the best assistant I've ever had.

  My control is slipping, and I need to get it together.

  "I'm sorry, Becky. I didn't mean-"

  "Mr. Knight, it's understandable. It's a rough time."

  "That's not an excuse for my poor behavior towards you."

  "Forgiven. Will you be coming in today?"

  "There's probably going to be a new normal until Addison wakes up. Anything that needs my immediate attention, please forward that to me. Anything else I can do from my laptop or phone calls, I'll be doing that from the hospital, along with sleeping. If you need me and can't reach me, I will probably be there."

  I'm going to be a permanent fixture at the hospital until Addy decides to come back to me. Whether anyone likes it or not...including Addison.

  I unlock my door and head straight for the bathroom.

  "Yes, sir. I'll email you everything on the schedule for the rest of the week, and you can tell me which items you’d like me to handle."

  "Thank you, Becky. I'm going to take a shower. I'll call you and let you know how we're going to handle the week."

  We ring off, and I can't think of anything else but a shower and clean clothes. The hot water is probably hotter than my normal, but I feel it rinse off some of the guilt, some of the hurt, some of the pain. This is where I break and let my tears fall to the floor and mix with the water from the shower. I slide my back down the shower wall, prop my knees up, rest my head on them and cry.

  ******

  Over the next two weeks, Addison and the hospital became my daily routine. Addison's parents would come during the morning and afternoon while I worked then retreat to their hotel room just to come back the next day. I was glad either my brother called them or asked Candice to do it. Seeing their faces raked with emotion broke me even further. The nurses allowed me to sleep in her room at night, and one of them would watch Addy while I went to shower and change clothes during the day; it was normally Sarah when it was her shift. Sarah would talk with me when she was working, and I honestly grew to enjoy her company despite the circumstances of our meeting.

  She's been an ICU nurse for a year and enjoys reading in her spare time. She has a boyfriend she recently got involved with and seems to like him.

  Sarah's also been talking to me about changes in Addison when she wakes up. I always appreciate the fact Sarah talks like Addy’s going to wake up any day and doesn't give me if's or uncertainties.

  The big uncertainty, besides Addison, is my brother. He hasn't contacted me; however, Candice calls everyday to ask for Addy's current condition. As much as I want to pick up the phone and call my brother, I can't focus on that. My focus is solely on Addison and what I need to do for her.

  So, regardless of my new daily activities and room arrangements, I keep as busy as I can by her bedside. I've been able to do most of my duties for work from my computer and discuss business over the phone.

  "Knock, knock."

  I lift my head up at the sound of Sarah's voice. "Hey, Sarah. Come to check on my girl?"

  "I am. Also, I've come to check on you. How are you doing?"

  I let out a breath and close my laptop. "Same as I was yesterday and the day before I suppose. I'm trying to stay busy but it's...it's hard, ya know?"

  "Mr. Knight, I've seen good and bad things happen while I've been in this unit," She starts as she check Addy's machines. "No one can ask anything more than love and support, and you're showing that to Miss James here quite well. She's a lucky girl."

  "Please, call me Brendan." Sarah gives me a small smile and continues with her overall check of Addy's condition. I stare at the woman I love wistfully. "Do you think she'll remember me?"

  "I think it'll take more than a coma to forget you, Mr. Knight." Sarah replies sheepishly.

  "I appreciate that," and I return a small smile of my own. "Can you explain to me again what I can expect when she wakes up?"

  "Sure." She pulls up a chair next to mine and tries to relax to tell me the best to worst case scenarios. "She can wake up tomorrow and be perfectly fine. She'll probably be a little disoriented because this is the brain’s way of healing itself. She'll be exactly
like the Addison you knew before this happened."

  I want that so badly. Thinking about Addy in any other way than the bright, sassy, energetic woman I've come to know and love would be anything short of a crime.

  "However, if her injury damaged her brain further, she could have one of many cases of amnesia. Everyone heals differently. If she does have amnesia, her memory could come back relatively quickly or take a while with the help of therapy. Sadly, some patients may never get their memories back."

  I just stare at Sarah's shoulder at her bright yellow, blue, and white daisy pattern scrubs and try to bring myself back to the conversation after that kick in the gut. Some patients may never get their memories back. Although I should feel relieved she may never remember me and my parade of women since I've known her, she also may not remember me at all.

  "Mr. Knight, would you like some water? You look awfully pale."

  Blinking brings me physically back to the conversation. I simply nod without speaking. Addison may not know me or my brother. After taking a sip from the plastic cup, I try to search more of Sarah's medical knowledge with my questions.

  "So she could lose her memories forever? Long and short-term?"

  "There are many types of amnesia, Mr. Knight."

  "Please, it's Brendan."

  "Right, Brendan. Generalized amnesia is the loss of memory of that person's entire life whereas lacunar amnesia is only the loss of certain experiences. Obviously, losing all of one's life experiences causes stress and therapy is encouraged if not mandatory." She takes a breath and regains some composure before she continues. "Other types of amnesia may be temporary or long-term. Each form occurs differently in every person. For instance, anterograde is a form that causes difficulty forming and keeping new memories after an accident. Retrograde is the inability to remember events before the accident. There is also the possibility of not remembering selective events or recalling large or small periods of time." Sarah looks at her watch and starts to rise out of the chair. "I have to get to lunch. I can come back and watch her for you while you get yourself a shower and something to eat."

  "Thank you, Sarah. I would like that."

  When she's out of the room, I resume my usual position at Addy's beside with her hand in mine willing her with my thoughts and my words to come back to me, whole and unbroken. I can help her through anything; I know I can. However, the big question is what if she doesn't want my help? If she doesn't want or need me, it’ll be like another knife to my now breaking heart.

  Chapter 29

  Brayden

  Weak. Gutless. Spineless. Cowardly. All of these words describe who I've become the last couple weeks. I've only been out my office to take a shower, grab more clothes, and return to my office. After my phone call to Addison's mother the morning after the accident, I get Candice to field as many of them as possible.

  "Madelyn?"

  "Brayden, dear, is that you? It's been forever since I heard your voice. How’ve you been?"

  I can imagine Madelyn James in her apron making breakfast for her husband or just dancing around the kitchen listen to the local country station. Her blonde hair clipped back out of her face and her blue eyes happy with contentment.

  I lean my elbows on the edge of my desk and lean my head forward. This is the news no parent wants to hear, from the hospital or from their daughter's almost former fiancé.

  God. And there's another subject we have yet to breach.

  "There's been an accident."

  The loud gasp was something I prepared myself for. I just had to make sure I told her everything I knew, and then she’d truly hate me for not keeping her only daughter safe.

  "What happened to her? Where's my baby?"

  "She's at Roosevelt Hospital here in the city. I've already secured you and Richard two tickets here. I just need to know what time you want to arrive."

  "Of course I want to go now, but what happened Brayden? Tell me she's okay. She's okay, right?" She's begging, and I feel my emotions bubbling up trying to break through the surface. Her sobs increase as my silence get longer.

  "Madelyn, Addy was in a hit and run. A car came around a corner and hit her while she was walking to my office. She's in the ICU in...in a coma." Her sobs are growing louder as I can hear Richard come in the ask what's going on. All I can hear Madelyn say through her crying is Addy's name.

  "Hello?"

  "Sir, it's Brayden. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault." Hearing both Addison's parents crying over the phone did me in in a big way.

  We managed to set the time for the departure before we hung up, and I immediately made arrangements at the closet hotel to the hospital for their extended stay.

  Ever since, Candice calls the hospital to get an update on Addison's condition for me. "Same as yesterday, sir. Stable but unresponsive." Somehow, I can't bring myself to see her like that especially knowing my brother is sitting right next to her.

  My brother. I feel like the biggest fool not to see how he looks at her and how he's so willing to accompany her places. I can't fully shake the sense of betrayal I feel. I keeping thinking back to our talks about Lillian and Addison, the day after I thought I lost Lil forever, the day of the photo shoot, and our conversation in his apartment. Each one felt like he understood where I was coming from and how hard it was for me to figure out what to do. Could this be because he was harboring the same emotions toward Addison? I want to conclude his advice was genuine instead of a ploy to get me away from Addy for his own selfish gain, but then I focus on the one conversation in my office four months ago, and get even more confused.

  "Bray! What the hell are you doing man? You go ga-ga over a girl now you're drinking yourself to oblivion alone in your office? Get yourself together man!" Brendan shouts while shaking me awake from my chaise as the bright lights beam into the small slits my eyes are making.

  I cover my face with my arm and it reeks of alcohol. How much did I have to drink last night? All I remember is drinking and looking at Lillian's picture wishing she didn't marry the ass who cares more about his job and her best friend than to spend quality time with her.

  I know every inch of that picture now. It's emblazoned in my brain. It's not only her beauty, but her personality that's hooked me. Everything about our time together is on repeat, and it's all I think about.

  "Did you hear me, dumbass? Either talk to me or I'll find a way to get it out of you."

  God, he's a persistent little shit.

  "Whaat? What is it you need to know to shut up and leave me alone?"

  "I need to know what's going on with you. You drink every night, you barely ever go home, and to top it off, you spill your guts to Addison and not your own brother."

  I remove my arm from my face and stare at my brother. What on earth did I tell Addy and when did I even see her? She's either off on a modeling gig or running around with her friend Tina.

  "What did she say I said to her?"

  "I called this morning asking if she's seen you, and she told me she came here last night. Strangely, she wasn't upset, but explained to me in a very vague way about some woman you met in Florida and how she was getting married. Confused the hell of out me, so here I am." Miraculously, Brendan thrusts a cup of coffee in my hands, waits for me to grasp it, and sits next to me. "Tell me what has you so messed up, brother."

  And I told him everything. The more I talked the more the previous night came back to me. What I told Addison and her reaction or rather her lack of reaction. It's like she either knew what I was going to say or she didn't care, but her response showed me she cared. I don't get it.

  "You're telling me you told Addy that you practically have been messed up over some gorgeous woman, who was supposed to be just a friend and was getting married and she didn't flip out on you?"

  Well, when he says it like that, it does sound sort of crazy.

  "Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying."

  Once we touched on the subject of Addison, her reaction, and Brendan and I's rea
ction to her obvious not normal response, he gave me more to think about.

  "I think you're completely off your rocker, but I’ll tell you this. Even I know Addison is a great girl, which I'm sure your Lillian is too. However, Lillian made her decision. As much as I can see that’s hurting you, you deserve to be happy. I know Addy loves you, and while I disagree that this is how you should come to this decision, maybe all of this is telling you to propose to Addison. You both deserve to be happy, bro. I mean that."

  His parting words are what's sticking with me now. Even though I proposed to Addison a few weeks after that discussion, it was Brendan's words that persuaded me.

  Now, I've come to realize just how stupid I really was. I shouldn't need my brother to convince me to propose. I should have taken that step with love to guide me and hope that she’d say yes. But I know now what was stopping me, my love for Lillian.

  What's even more clear to see now is Addison's feelings towards me and Brendan's feelings towards her. Addy loved me enough to let me go twice because she knew I couldn't love her the way I love Lil. Not to mention my brother did exactly what Addy did. He was pushing me toward Addy so I could be happy by hiding his feelings for her.

  For some reason, I feel all of this could have been avoided if I would have just told Lillian and Addison how I felt and been completely honest with both of them from the beginning. No wonder it took me so long to propose to Addy, but even in our cluster fuck of a situation, I felt it right to ask George for Lillian's hand in marriage.

  I need to start making this right, and it begins with my brother. Although I haven't spoken to my brother or Lillian since that day two weeks ago, I have to try and rectify what's been broken partially by my lack of honesty.

  I was hoping we could get together and

  talk. I have some things that I need to

  say face to face.

  Now, all I can do is wait and see if he'll take me up on my offer. This is my chance to fix what I so clearly messed up.