Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  ******

  Three hours.

  Longest time ever for me to wait for the ding of my phone for an incoming text from my only sibling. I knew he'd be mad I hadn't gone to see Addison since that first night, but he also knew I was upset.

  Meet me at my place at 2. Madelyn

  and Richard are visiting with Addy

  after lunch. I can get away to take

  a shower and change then talk.

  See you at 2.

  I ask Candice to hold everything off until I get my personal business with my brother under control. I'm half tempted to say he's gonna try and kick my ass. Yes. Fifty percent of my brain’s telling me to get ready for a fight.

  On my way toward my brother's apartment building, I purposely pass Lillian's studio loft. Given the fact I haven't spoken to her in two weeks nor has she attempted to call me is probably a sure sign she hates me, regardless of our recent time together.

  However, I can't focus on that now. First things first, Brendan. Come clean. Make amends. Then most likely kick myself for waiting this long to figure it all out.

  As I arrive at my brother's door, I take a steely breath and knock. And wait.

  And wait.

  And wait some more.

  I begin to think he's either ignoring me or standing me up when the elevator dings from behind me and he emerges.

  Damn, my brother looks drained. He's definitely losing weight, and the redness in his eyes tells me he's upset. This makes me feel exponentially worse considering Addison’s still technically my fiancée. I should be at the hospital feeling like he's feeling. It makes me feel more like the coward I am.

  His step falters slightly, he clenches his free hand into a fist as the other hand grips his gym bag with just as much force.

  He approaches as I stuff my hands in my pockets. "Hey."

  "Hey."

  He focuses on opening his door and not making eye contact with me. This feeling in my gut is screaming at me to be prepared for the boxing match that could go down at any minute. I want to leave, but Brendan and I have never gotten in a fist fit before, well, not since we graduated high school. Then again, we've never been at odds over a woman before either.

  We walk in and I close the door behind me. When I turn back, Brendan’s moving his table toward the wall adjacent to his guest bathroom.

  I look at him questionably but remain silent. The space is set. He's given us about a hundred square foot area to throw down. His mind's made up. He's looking for a fight. Right now, I'm not in a mood to fight. I need to explain.

  I step forward into the space he's allotted and wait for him to take his position a few feet in front of me. The whole time he doesn't look at me, head cast downward. I can't tell if he's going to actually punch me or if he's waiting for me to punch him. This is not the person I grew up with.

  Five feet from one another, I fold my arms over my chest. His arms hang by his side and his head still looking toward the ground. When he does speak, it's not what I expect.

  "Go ahead. I know you wanna do it. Get it out of your system."

  My arms drop along with my jaw. "You think I want to fight you?"

  "I'm sure that's why you asked me to talk. Just do it. I won't fight back."

  "Why?" It's a stupid question, but one that rolled off my tongue too quickly for me to stop.

  It's then that he looks up making eye contact. I can see the emotion in them. So much anguish and pain. However, if I didn't know by his eyes that Addison meant the world to him, his words sealed the deal.

  "Because I have nothing if she doesn't survive."

  It's one statement that tells me so much. I did what any brother would do if the he was told the woman his brother was in love with was laying in the hospital and may not wake up. I stepped toward him and wrapped him in my arms as we both sunk to the ground and cried.

  Chapter 30

  Lillian

  2:15 p.m.

  Can the time move any slower? I sit and mess with a setting on my camera before looking up to the clock on the wall again.

  2:16 p.m.

  I'm pathetic.

  Avoidance. I've never done this before, which is why it's probably taken its toll on me like it has. It's the only way I've been able to cope over the last fourteen days without breaking down and trying to call, text, or even show up at Brayden's office or the hospital.

  This foreign way of coping is throwing me off balance in a completely unusual way. Once you avoid to deal with a problem, it doesn't miraculously go away; it just festers inside you and breads the same mechanism...avoidance.

  I've avoided my friends, calls from my family, messages from Nora, and anything that has to do with Brayden Knight. Riley and the girls try and text me to go out, but I politely decline, not wanting to hear their sad voices when I shoot them down. Jenny and Faith leave voicemails about being upset I didn't contact them while I was in Florida. I would've liked to see them, but the trip wasn't about them. Nora tried calling once, but then decided texts were probably better. She says she has some news she wants to tell me, but I can only think it has something to do with Damon. And, really, I don't wanna hear about them getting married. Just elope and don't tell me.

  After purging my studio and apartment of the guy who broke my heart, Riley was there to ring in the next day in a haze of wine and loud music. It reminded me of the couple days I took to do the same thing when I arrived in New York. However, that ache didn't burn like this one did. Or rather, still does. That ache, as hard as it was for me to deal with, was a slow throb compared to the agony my heart was going through now. And it was all over one man.

  The girls would show up at my apartment sporadically throughout the last two weeks trying to convince me to leave my place and go have fun. I couldn't. My head and heart weren't in it.

  I was having withdrawals of warm chocolate eyes, strong cut arms, and the best set of washboard abs ever imagined. Regardless of his physical attractiveness, Brayden was so much more than his exterior. We would joke and laugh and share. Sharing being the word that always surprised me. Although we've had a difficult time to open up about issues in our past surrounding our friendship, he's always been so easy to talk to about everything else, my job, my friends, college, photography.

  All of the good memories and the times I knew I was falling in love with him led me to do the one thing that was so unlike me, avoid.

  I was tempted to go back to Florida a few days ago. It wasn't that something major was happening there; it was the fact I felt I couldn't be in a city where Brayden and I couldn't be the friends we were. But I'm no quitter. My parents instilled that value into me when I was younger. Finish what you start and do it to the best of your ability.

  I didn't know if my job had an end or even if my time in New York would come to an end. I loved the city as well as my new position. So, I was utterly grateful and surprised to hear my phone ring and see Jerry O'Connor calling to get my thoughts away from the island I made around myself.

  "Lillian Anderson."

  "Lillian, how are you?"

  Jerry seemed happy today. I was anything but. However, if he was happy, maybe I was about to share in some of that. God knows I needed some now.

  "I'm...well," I said unsurely. "How can I help you, Mr. O'Connor?"

  "Actually, I would like to send you on assignment."

  My ear perked up for the first time since seeing Brayden breakdown over Addison's unconscious body. Send me on assignment must mean I would be getting out of New York, and it couldn't come at a better time to get away.

  "I wanted to get you out to Florida tomorrow and have a few shoots with some models down on the beach. Would you be up to that?"

  Would I be up to getting out of New York and going back home to take pictures? Hell yeah!

  "Sir, I would love to take the trip."

  "Excellent. I'll have Susan send you your ticket information and itinerary."

  I knew from previous jobs I needed to ask more information. I'd
be shooting models, okay, but where in Florida exactly?

  "I'll be looking for her correspondence. Sir, where in Florida am I going and how long is this trip?"

  "It's two weeks. You'll fly down to Miami for a week then head down to the Keys for the other half. You'll fly back here from Miami. If I remember correctly, you're from Florida."

  "Yes, sir, I am."

  "Then it should give you some time to visit with friends and family. I'll be in touch, Lillian."

  "Thank you. I appreciate it."

  Once I hung up, I laid on the couch Brayden gave me. Even after everything we've said and my new way of dealing - better yet not dealing - with the situation, I couldn't let go of this couch. It was comfortable and reminded me of him. At least I wouldn't need to see it for the next two weeks.

  Yes. For two weeks, I could fly to Miami, visit with my sisters, and spend another week on the gorgeous beaches of the Florida Keys. I could do this, and I needed the space from my existence here in the city.

  I told you avoidance spawned more avoidance. At least this time, someone else paved my way to the inevitable.

  ******

  "YAY! Jenny! Guess what. Lil is come to visit us!"

  I hold the phone away from my face about two feet, and I can still hear my sister Faith screaming after I told her the news.

  "Yes, as long as you don't scream like that the entire time I'm there we'll be good."

  "Is it true? Are you really coming to hang out with us?" Jenny asked breathlessly. No doubt she ran and tackled our youngest sister to the floor.

  Jenny and Faith live together in Miami. Jenny got transferred from Jacksonville to Miami with her company after she was promoted. She's now an executive assistant for some insanely rich technology mogul. Jenny acquired the apartment about a month after I moved to New York. Although Faith agreed to stay in the dorms because she knew Jenny needed her privacy, Jenny demanded Faith share her space when Faith moved to Miami for her freshman year at the University of Miami. I thought it was strange the decisiveness Jenny possessed about living with Faith, but I knew there was more to her situation than she would ever let on. I never pried, and as her sister, she knew she could come to me to talk about anything. I hope this trip I could dive in her issues rather than poke around mine.

  "Would I tell you I'm coming and not show up? I've missed sister time with both of you. I know you guys have lots to fills me in on," I say trying to steer the conversation towards their lives and away from mine.

  "You too! God, New York must be amazing," Jenny replied dreamily.

  "Yeah, it's fine. Look, I'll send you the details when I have them. I think I'm coming in tomorrow evening. You two better be waiting for me. I've missed you."

  "We'll be there. We've missed you too!"

  "We love you, Lil." I heard Faith yell from the background.

  "Yeah, we love you, Lil," Jenny reiterated.

  "Love y'all too. See you tomorrow."

  I hang up with the first smile on my face in two weeks. Time with my sisters is exactly what I need. Just some time with my camera and a beach, hanging out with my sisters having girl time, and no, I mean absolutely no, Brayden Knight.

  Chapter 31

  Brendan

  The last half hour slumped on my apartment floor with my brother has been bizarre. I tried to ignore his text by going over the last couple weeks in my head. No contact from him. He's not once come to see Addison in the hospital. He's not once picked up the phone himself and called me or the hospital. It's all been through Candice.

  No matter what I said to myself, I still felt like I’d done him an injustice by secretly pining for the woman he was engaged to. So much of all of this is so messed up. When I walked out of the elevator and saw him, he looked as bad as I felt. All of my ill feelings drained out of me as I prepared for what his "talk" was supposed to be about.

  I knew from the last time I saw him he was upset and hurt. Perhaps, I should have taken a more firm route and punched him for his lack of attendance at the hospital, but the thought of actually fighting my brother didn't appeal to me or the situation. So, I took the path I should have taken when I realized I had feelings for Addison, truth.

  "Why? Why didn't you tell me before?" My brother asks as he grabs us each a beer out the fridge and sits across from me one leg propped up and the other extended on the hardwood. "Bren, there were so many times, God. I can't imagine what you've felt all these years."

  No, I don't believe he's known what I've felt watching him hug and kiss the girl I was in love with in front of me, and I had to do it without show my true feelings. I just shrug trying not to show how truly awful those times made me feel. "She was your girl, Bray. It wasn't right, and we always said we wouldn't fight over a woman."

  "But, God, bro." He head falls, staring at the floor. "Even after that episode in my office, you told me to propose to Addy. Why would you do that if you loved her? I just don't understand."

  But, I've been wrong. I think now he knows even marginally what I've felt like because he's felt that type of yearning for Lillian. Loving her from afar but not close enough to have her. Despite the circumstances, still wanting her to be happy.

  Sacrifice.

  "There's always been a fanfare of girls around me. I chose to go that route to secure my heart would never hurt like I've seen mom and dad hurt. You were a bit better at handling it than I was. You excelled at everything and didn't treat women like I did. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you.

  "So when you introduced me to Addison, you look so happy and so did she. I knew I had to hide my attraction, not just for me but for your happiness too...and subsequently hers. Instead of acting on my feelings, I reverted back to hiding behind a line of women"

  I drank a few sips of beer and let him soak up what I'd just said. I needed to tell him everything, to lay it all on the line. If anyone in this world would accept me, it would be my brother.

  "I never told her I cared for her beyond a friend." Brayden picks up his head and stared at me. This was one of his issues and I knew it, if I betrayed him. And of course, I didn't. "I never told her how I felt. I never hinted or suggested I could be anything more than a friend. I couldn't...no, I wouldn't ever disrespect or betray your trust like that. It's too valuable to me."

  "Thank you. I'm sorry I flipped out at the hospital, and I haven't been there since I stormed out. There's no excuse beyond my own stubbornness and selfishness. I've been idiot."

  We both drink the rest of our beer, and I get up to replace the empty bottles so we can continue talking. After a few minutes, he's the one to break the silence first.

  "So you haven't told her you're in love with her?"

  "Why would I do that? Technically, you're still engaged to her. I did have dinner with her then later met with her and Teenie at a club to watch over them." Brayden only nods slightly. He doesn't get upset or accuse me of anything, which makes me feel just a bit better, even if it's just minimally.

  "I've done some thinking the past few months. Spending time with Lillian and having those couple weeks in Tampa with her were...eye-opening." He looks through the clear of the Corona bottle, thinking. I only wait, hoping he sees what I've been seeing since he came back from Florida the first time he met Lillian. He lets out a sigh then confesses what I've known for months. "I'm in love with her, Bren."

  I let out the breath I wasn't aware I was holding as the glorious words rolled out of his mouth. He's going to call of the wedding, and Addy and I will have a chance together.

  "I can't explain it. I've tried to compare Lil and Addy, but there’s no comparison. What I feel for Lillian is so far beyond the realm of anything I've had with Addison.

  "Want to know what more of an asshole I am?" He asks slightly smiling and letting out a short laugh.

  "What?"

  "I even asked Lil's father if I could marry her."

  "You've got to be kidding me." I’m shocked now. It took a good year for my brother to even talk about a proposal
to Addison and then he hadn't even gone to Tampa yet. He meets Lillian, is tied up in knots over her for months, proposes to another woman when he thinks he'll never have Lil, and within a few weeks of reconnecting with her, he's asking her father's permission to marry her.

  "Nah. You know what's even better?"

  "I can't think what's better than all of that going on."

  "If she reciprocates my feelings, I think he’ll give me his blessing," he replies with a true smile.

  "He knows you're engaged to another woman and asking for his daughter's hand in marriage?" I knew I was messed up, but I don't even think I would have the balls to do that.

  "I was completely honest. He told me he knows Lily's in love with me." A sad smile dawns his face and reaches into his pocket. "Too bad that's not true," he says as he hands me the small square box. "I would have given her this."

  I open the box and stare at the platinum engagement ring and pull the ring from the velvet. The bottom half of the band is smooth, whereas the top and setting are covered with small diamonds. The setting is nice, but it only sets the stage for the two carat pink princess cut diamond nestled in its claws. I turn it slightly between my fingers and an inscription catches my eye.

  "My Nirvana," I read. I look up to my brother as he gazes at the ring. I return it to its resting place, close the lid and hand it back to him. I figure since he told me his heart, I should tell him mine. "I'm in love with Addy."

  "I realize that, now. And just so you know, the wedding’s off."

  "Well, it was either that or I would interrupt your wedding." I gave a short laugh, but Brayden face winced and didn't look pleased at all. "What?"

  "N-Nothing. Trust me it won't get that far. I'm going to talk with Addy when she wakes up. I should have met her somewhere the day I came back. She was on her way to meet me that day."