Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  "Awesome." She starts to furiously type on her phone again. "My friends don't need me to study tonight."

  I let out a sigh. I know I might regret letting little outgoing Faith have alcohol, but it's one night. Plus, I know Jenny needs this to relax and open up about her boss.

  ******

  I’m currently on my six Stella, and we've downed a bottle of Tequila Rose and a quarter bottle of tequila. To say we're all toasted would be an understatement.

  "Now, tell me about this man that has you obviously in knots," I say as I drink some beer to wash down my most recent shot.

  "He makes me so mad but, man, is he hot. He's even got a hot name to go with all of his hotness. Alexandre Marcel Oliver," Jenny says it surprisingly just like it would sound in French, despite her drunken state.

  Alexandre Mar-sell Oh-Liv-I-Ay.

  "Go on. Tell her the rest," Faith provokes.

  "Fine. Fine." Jenny smiles. "Yes, he's fine. Tall, dark, and handsome with the bluest eyes and lips chiseled to perfection. I bet he could make me come in thirty second flat."

  I blush and look away. I've never been one to talk about sex with my sisters. Intimacy with Damon was average I guess. He loved me and I loved him, but I knew there was something missing. It was familiar and average rather than passionate and all-consuming. I doubt Damon could do what Jenny's thinking of, but I know someone who might.

  "He's hot. I get it. Now show me this tattoo in its entirety," I demand.

  Jenny scowls than in one swift movement takes off her shirt. Standing now in only her black lace bra and jean shorts, she turns to the side, pulls her bra strap over her shoulder, and moves her highlighted dirty blonde hair out of the way.

  "I lost a bet with him...with Alexandre. We agreed that whoever won could choose a tattoo for the other anywhere on the body. The gym wasn't good to me that day, so he obviously won. I've only known him a few months. How crazy is it that I agreed to this?"

  I run my fingers over the script and wonder what it means. The lines are thin and very feminine. The cursive curls and have a few dots on the side of the curves. It's beautiful.

  Jenny looks to where my fingers are running over the script and a smile plays on her face. Whatever may or may not be happening with her boss, she loves the tattoo and the man who gave it to her.

  "Do you know what is says, Lil?" Faith asks.

  I try to think of my French classes in high school, but my alcohol infused brain is making it hard for me to remember how to say numbers let alone what one of these words mean.

  Je suis à toi pour toujours.

  I give up after a few minutes of brain searching and yank Faith's phone from her hands and type in the words of Jenny's tattoo. It takes me a few tries before I get the words written correctly and hit translate.

  "What does it say?" Jenny questions, and Faith is right behind me trying to pull the phone from my hands. However, I don't give it up. I think my death grip on Faith's phone has something to do with the translation I've reread about a dozen times in the last twenty seconds.

  I'm yours forever.

  Jenny finally yanks the phone from my hands and freezes when she reads the words that Alexandre had written on her skin. What may have started out as an intense hatred may have just tipped Jenny over into madly in love territory.

  "I know you love him, Jen, and now you know he loves you too." I can't help but be over the moon happy for her. She's always struggled to find a happy medium in her relationships. One where the guy still feels like the guy, but she still owns her headstrong personality. I'm just glad she found it.

  However, the revelation broke something in me that I've been trying to suppress. Those brown eyes that haunted me for months, the instant I knew we reconnected, the times I imagined a forever with him, and the moment I knew it was never going to happen. I completely lose it.

  My sisters comfort me as I try to stop my cries, but they don't seem to have an end in sight. I knew I was in love with Brayden, and I have been since probably our first day together. And it's now that I know I could never love anyone like I love Brayden Knight. As hard as it is to think about, I know what I have to do.

  I have to let him go.

  ******

  The sun's too bright. The air's too crisp. The beach is too perfect. And I’m completely out of it.

  The shoot is going as well as it can with my sour mood, but I'm trying to damnedest to make it through the best I can.

  After my hysterics calmed down, my sisters were able to pry every last bit of information from me about Brayden. They know everything. Our time in Tampa, my thoughts leading up to my wedding, my wedding day, our time in New York, my last visit to Tampa, and everything about the last day I saw him sitting in that hospital room. They didn't say anything, only asking questions to get as much detail out of me as possible. And I let it all out because it felt good to unload everything. I didn't feel any less weighed down by the release of information, but only marginally better that I had my sisters to talk to about what I'm feeling.

  I realized that even though I’ll never get my happily ever after, Jenny should at least get hers. So, what would any other normal sister do in this situation? I searched for her company and dial the front desk. I knew Jenny asked for a few days off because I was in town, so I wasn't worried about her answering when I called.

  "Advanced Applied Logistics, How may I direct your call?" A happy woman's voice asks.

  "Yes, I need to speak to Mr. Oliver please," I respond in my best professional tone.

  "One moment." The woman puts me on hold where I hear the faint sounds of music before another cheery voice answered the phone.

  "Mr. Oliver's office. This is Suzanne speaking. How may I help you?"

  "Hi, Suzanne. I was wondering if Mr. Oliver is available to speak with me. My name's Lillian Anderson. I'm his assistant's sister. It's terribly important." I hate to play the hint on emergency card, but I have a feeling I was going to get the 'no he's not in I'll give him a message' bit.

  "Oh. One second, Miss Anderson. I'll see if he has a minute."

  The music is back. I start to get a tad nervous that I'm interfering in Jenny's personal life, but knowing her it'll take a lot longer for her to cave if I wasn't involved. The wait didn't take long, and Alexandre's deep voice is addressing me.

  "Miss Anderson, I'm so glad you called. Is Jenny alright?" His French accent is not as thick as I'd thought it be, but definitely there. His concern for my sister pulls at my heart.

  "She's doing well. Thank you. I was actually wondering if you could spare a few minutes to talk with me while I'm in town. I believe we have a mutual area of interest."

  "Yes. I believe we do. Say tomorrow at noon at the café across from my building?"

  "Wonderful. I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Oliver."

  Chapter 34

  Brayden

  This silence I'm getting from Lillian is getting too much to bear. After my night in the hospital talking with my brother, he came to the conclusion I needed to just find Lil and tell her I love her. Absolutely no tact there, right? However, I do understand his point that if I don't tell her soon, I could lose her forever. And that is something that is just not acceptable. So, with my ultimate goal in mind, I went home to figure out the best way to lay out my feelings.

  I didn't get too far.

  Waiting for me in my mailbox was a box. No return address only my information. In Lillian's handwriting.

  I take the small box up to my apartment with the rest of the mail I haven't picked up in two weeks and throw it on my coffee table. I should be concerned with what's actually in the box, but I can't think past the fact Lillian sent me something. That has to count for something, right?

  Wrong.

  My heart sinks when I realize what she's sent back to me. Her jellyfish necklace and the picture of me she had in her bedroom. This is way worse than I thought it was. First, I don't call her in two weeks. Second, she doesn't try and contact me either. Third, she never answe
red my text message from yesterday. Finally, I'm getting things sent back to me that were hers. This screams I'm letting you go.

  Just before the box slips from my hands, a white note flutters to the floor. I bend to pick it up, praying there’s some explanation as to what's going on in her head. We can't be done, well, because we never even got started.

  Brayden,

  I've contemplated what I would write to you for days. This being what I finally came up with. You made me feel safe. You make me forget the world around me when we're together, and that feeling is like nothing I've felt before. However, as I've felt more free and alive than I have in a long time, I also realize I haven't taken the time to recognize how in love you are with Addison. I apologize for seeming to get in the way of that with a friendship that could never last. She's an amazing woman, and I have faith that your marriage will be filled with love and laughter. That's what I'm hoping for you. Thank you for letting me know you and being able to share that with me.

  My best,

  Lillian

  Is this for real? Surely, she's just joking. Basically, thank you for the last couple months together and then...bye? I know her. She’s never one to just give up. She's not programmed that way, which is what makes her so incredible. She talks things through and isn't quick to judge. She listens when I talk and shares her views. She's not a quitter, and neither am I.

  ******

  I rack my brain trying to figure out a way to find Lil. I've tried her boss, who had no intention of giving me anything. I even thought about using the Hey, I left something with Lillian, and I need to know where she is excuse. That may have worked in high school and possibly college, but definitely not anymore. I'm desperate.

  I've talked to Brendan and with Candice to think of ways to figure out where she is, but to no avail. She just disappeared like a cloud of smoke. Poof. And that woman does not go poof.

  I did remember Riley telling me where she worked, so I'm on the way there and praying she's working. I also have Candice trying to find a number for her parents in Jacksonville. They like me. Even if her parents haven't heard from her, they'll know other ways I can get it touch with her. I'll try anything, but first, I need to approach her best friend.

  When I walk through the doors of Carmine's, I smile knowing I'm going to finally get some information because Riley’s here absently cleaning the bar top.

  "Hey," I say, and Riley's eyes snap to mine then narrow menacingly.

  She stops rubbing the surface and is in front of me in three long strides. Her eyes never softening, which tells me I'm going to get the best friend third degree. Right now, I'd sit through anything to know where I can find Lil.

  "Don't hey me," she says as she folds her arms in front of her.

  "Hello, Riley," I reply on a sigh. I need her to know I'm not trying to be an asshole here.

  "Not any better."

  "Can we talk?"

  She unfolds her arms and braces both hands on the bar in front of her, glaring at me. "What do you want? I mean I was there rooting for you, and here I find out you were just messing with Lil's emotions. Why would I give you the time of day to talk to me?"

  "Because I'm here to make things right. I was going to start with Lillian, but now I believe I need to begin with you." I need to change my tactic here. I can't just press her for information if she thinks I'm a dick. I need to make her like me again.

  "Sixty."

  Pause.

  "Fifty-nine."

  Pause.

  "Fifty-eight."

  Pause.

  Oh shit. I'm on a timer now.

  Just say it. Come right out and tell the truth. and it comes out in one long breath.

  "I'm in love with Lil. I have been since probably the first moment I saw her. Even though the last few weeks haven’t gone anywhere near how I thought they would, I'm not marrying Addison." Riley sighs, but she does stop counting. I surge forward and tell her the rest. "Lil didn't see me at the hospital. She saw my brother. I've already talked with him. The wedding’s off. Well, at least the one with Addison is."

  "Geez, how many women are you engaged to?"

  I chuckle a little then quickly stop seeing as though she's not laughing with me. I pull the ring box out of my pocket and slide it across the bar. "No one...yet."

  Riley's shaky hands grab the box and slowly open it. Her eyes grow wide and lets out a squeak-like sob before covering her hand over her mouth. I can see the tears well in her eyes, and I'm hoping, praying, wishing I've won her over.

  When she sets down the box and looks back at me, I hold my breath for her response. "She won't tell me where she is. She barely responds to my messages. I saw her that first night, and she was a complete mess. She loves you. Not the fleeting puppy love or weird best friend love. This is deep, deep love. More than I think she's ever loved, and if you break her heart again, I will personally remove body parts...slowly. Get me?"

  "More than you could possibly know."

  Before Riley’s able to say anything else, my phone rings. Please, be something, some news. "One sec, Riley. This might have something to do with Lil." She nods and goes back to cleaning in front of me, trying to listen. The number’s not one I recognize.

  "Brayden Knight."

  "Son, how are you?" George Anderson's voice greeting me on the other end is like a godsend.

  "Mr. Anderson. I could be better."

  "What's going on? I heard from your secretary; however, I informed her I would call you personally. What's all this about?"

  "As you know from our last conversation my intentions concerning Lillian."

  "And?"

  "And, we returned from our visit, and there was an accident with my ex-fiancée. She's been in a coma the last few weeks. However, there’s been a misunderstanding. Lillian thought she saw me, when in fact, she saw my brother in the hospital. In short, she's making decisions about me with misinformation, and I need to find her to clear this up."

  "Hmm," is all George says for a minute. "What exactly are you needing from me, son?"

  He's going to help me. "I can't get in touch with her. She's not answering her phone. She's not at her apartment. She's not in her studio. Her friends here don't have any clue either. I was hoping you might try and call her and see if she answers or maybe call her sisters and see if they've talked with her." Even though she's shut out everyone else, she would never ignore her family. At least that's what I'm counting on.

  "Give me a few, and I'll call you back."

  "Yes, sir. I'll be waiting."

  As I hang up, I notice Riley waiting for me to tell her what's going on. "Her dad's going to try and call her and see if he can find out where she is then call me back."

  "How long? I'm kinda getting more worried by the day."

  I understand the angst this must put on a friendship. I'm definitely feeling the strain myself but in a completely different way. If I can't see Lil, my world isn't right. And now that I'm out of my funk and thinking clearly again, the pain in my chest is getting worse.

  Once I'm about to take my first sip of a beer Riley just put in front of me, my phone rings again. Same number. George.

  "Sir?"

  "How long can you get away for?"

  What kind of question is that? Then it dawns on me. Get away from New York means she left the city. "I just need to situate things here with the business. When and where do I need to go?"

  "Tell you what. Straighten out things there and fly out to Jacksonville next week. Seems there are some things we need to discuss in person."

  "Is she there in Jacksonville?"

  "No, but she is in Florida. Like I said. Do what you need to do there, then come meet me out here in a week. We'll have some time to talk, and Lil can finish doing her work."

  Work, okay. She didn't up and move back to Florida. I can work with that. That still doesn't do anything for my plan of immediately finding her and tell her everything I should have.

  "Did you tell her I was coming?"

>   "Son, do you think I'm a fool?" He scoffs. "I know my daughter, and right now, she needs time to process everything. She still loves you. I can hear it in her voice, but that won't do any good if you barge down here and interrupt her work."

  "Understood. I'll call you and let you know my flight details. I appreciate your help sir." And I do. I really do.

  Mission objective #1: find Lillian – success.

  Mission objective #2: make it to next week without going crazy not seeing her gorgeous - easier said than done.

  ******

  "So, I fly out tomorrow," I tell my brother.

  "Everything set up with her dad?" He asks sitting next to Addison's bed holding her hand swiping lightly across the inside of her wrist.

  It's been almost a month since Addison's accident, and she's still in the same condition she was in when I left that night. My brother has spent every night in this room waiting for her, and after our heart to heart almost two weeks ago, I've been in and out of this room more and more.

  I've been spending every day for the past eleven days immersing myself in work, trying to get ahead before my flight to meet George in Jacksonville and to keep my mind off not being able to see Lily. It's been hard. Real hard.

  I text her when I wake up and before I go to sleep. I don't tell her I love her because let's face it, that first time you open your heart to another person should be while you're looking directly in their eyes. And my eyes cannot wait to meet her green ones and confess what's in my heart. So I stick to good morning gorgeous or hope you have a wonderful day or sweet dreams beautiful. I get no responses, but I know, even without physical proof, she reads them. I don't know how I'm so sure of this; I just am.