Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  "What day?" I questioned, wanting to know everything he did.

  "The day of the accident. She called the office and wanted to meet with me. I'm thinking it's kind of strange now. She never wants to meet me. It was always texts or calls to my cell. Meetings were not her thing."

  As he finished off the rest of his beer, my mind wanders at this new information. Could she have been going to break off the engagement or tell him what a complete ass I was at the club and then at my apartment?

  None of that matters unless she wakes up and I see those gorgeous crystal blue eyes I'm begging to confess my love to.

  "She's going to wake up. She's strong, so I have the utmost faith she's going to come out of this." Even though he seemed convinced, his reassurance didn't do much for my heart.

  Every time I think of Addison waking up, I'm happy then saddened that her mind might completely shut me out. Spending the last couple years wanting one woman with the possibility of being completely wiped from her memory is more than I can handle now, even if the doctors and nurses say the chances of that happening are slim. It still could happen.

  I can't think of that now, but it also reminds me that I need to get back to the hospital. We've been talking for a while now.

  "I know she will. But back to you. Have you told Lillian you're in love with her and has she called you back?"

  The look on his face lets me know neither has happened. I didn't need to hear him voice his reply. I understood, but he did respond. "Yeah, I don't think confessing I'm in love with her would go over well if I'm still engaged. I needed to fix that when we got back, which has been delayed. Anyway, what are you talking about calling me back? I never called her in the first place."

  "Do you not remember when I first got to the hospital and asked if you were going to call Lillian? I took your phone and left a voicemail. I told her Addy got in an accident and explained where you were. I figured you might need her." Does he really not remember when that happened?

  "Vaguely. No, not really. That evening was a blur. I haven't gotten a call or text, but I haven't tried to call or text her either. I've been so out of it recently I can't focus. Between you and Addy then not having Lil around me has made completely detached from reality."

  I knew he's been in love with Lillian for a while now, and he's admitted it. He's called off the engagement, which he still has to discuss with Addison. We've talked over our brotherly issues and come to a amicable resolution. Right now, the one thing that will help Brayden get back on track is hearing from Lillian.

  "Look, I have to take a shower, eat, and get back to the hospital. Addy's parents may have already left, and I need to be there if she wakes up."

  "Yeah, thanks for talking with me. I appreciate it. Give Addy a hug from me. I'll stop by to check on you guys." He starts to get up and walk toward the door.

  "Wait." He turns and the sadness he's had still remains in his eyes. "Why don't you try and contact Lillian while I take a shower. We can get something to eat then go see Addy together. I know she’d be glad to know you're there." As much as I know he loves Lillian, he's always been Addy's friend first. He got her through a tough time with her ex, and since I don't have any specific background on that relationship, she does value his friendship just as much.

  "Yeah, that'd be nice."

  "Give me thirty minutes, and I should be good to go."

  I start to move the table back to its original location and look up to see my brother typing out a text to Lillian on his phone. I hope things start looking up for us, but the immediate future looks bleak. Addy's showing no signs of waking up, and Lillian hasn't contacted my brother in two weeks. I'm not sure if that's normal behavior for her, but I hope, for his sake, she'll give him a chance to let her know how he feels about her. My hope for me is that Addison let's me do the same thing.

  Chapter 32

  Brayden

  Need to see you. Please call me.

  I keep checking my phone every few minutes since I sent that text to Lillian. My brother was right. I need to mend what my stupidity has broken between me and Lil. However, here I am walking the halls of the hospital with Brendan and still no response from Lil.

  I can smell the distinct scent of the hospital, but it's now overrun with the delicious aromas of pepperoni, cheese, and marinara sauce. I've suggested we eat before entering the hospital, but Brendan swears Addy will wake up anytime. And having pizza when that happens will make her that much happier.

  I wish he was right.

  He's holding so much hope for Addy's return from dreamland that I’d hate to see what would happen if that hope dwindled.

  As we push our way through the double doors leading to the intensive care unit, nurses turn toward our direction. One nurse smiles wide and walks in our direction.

  She's pretty with brown hair secured in a ponytail and kind hazel eyes. She's possibly the shortest person I've met, looks like only five feet tall. Her black and white paisley printed scrubs would make me slightly dizzy if I stared long enough, and the rolled cuffs of her pants just confirm her short stature. As if you wouldn't know by looking at her. She's comforting in a way like a little sister would be, if I had one, and I immediately like her.

  "Mr. Knight. It looks like you brought me dinner," she says with a smile.

  "Sure, as long as you call me Brendan. When's your break?" Brendan asks.

  "I'm kidding. The boyfriend might come by later. Wouldn't want him to get jealous." When she looks around my brother and her eyes land on me, she looks a little surprised. "Oh!" Shocked, yes, but the reaction is something I'm used to now. The little thing assesses me further before finding her voice again. "Oh." Yeah, I think you said that already. She looks between my brother and me, then, if something miraculously came to her, the same sound comes out of her mouth again. "Oooh."

  I tilt my head to the side a little confused by her comment. I know Brendan and I look almost identical, but I don't remember talking with this nurse the last time I was here. Then again, I don't remember much after losing my shit that night.

  Luckily, Brendan’s here to make the situation less awkward. "Yeah. Sarah, this is my brother Brayden. Brayden, this is Sarah. She's Addy's nurse."

  I extend my hand and give her a small smile. "It's nice to meet you, Sarah. I appreciate what you're doing with Addison." She grasp my hand and nods.

  "It's my job, Mr. Knight. No thanks needed," Sarah replies and turns back to the nurse's station.

  The sound of her 'oh' moment is still replying in my head. What does she now get? I don't understand.

  As Brendan walks toward Addy room with the pizza, I step forward and tap Sarah on the shoulder. "Excuse me, if you don't mind me asking, what just happened?"

  "What?"

  "You said 'oh' like something just clicked. What does 'oh' mean exactly?" I don't know why I have to know this, but something tells me I have to know. "Please."

  Sarah starts to wring her hands in front of her and her eyes dart between Addy's room and me. She starts to shake her head like she's not going to tell me.

  "It's not my place to-"

  "Look, I'm not upset nor will I get upset. I just need to know," I say as I cut her off from deflecting an answer.

  Sarah finally meets my eyes, and they look sad for me. "It was just something that happened the night Miss James was admitted. I thought I knew what was happening. I was sad for her, but now, I think she misunderstood what was going on."

  "What woman? Addison?"

  Sarah looked back to make sure no one was paying attention to us then looked into Addison's room where my brother was eating pizza and taking to Addy. She started to speak watching my brother talk to Addy like she was awake and involved in the conversation.

  "You don't remember me, but I was here the day Miss James came in. Well, maybe it was you. I don't think so now." Sarah let out a breath. "Anyway, I was coming back from lunch, and the other nurse on duty gave me the information on Miss James and told me her fiancé was in wit
h her.

  "About an hour later, a woman came in asking to see Miss James saying her fiancé asked her to meet him. I didn't think anything of it, and at the time, it was still visiting hours. I directed her to the room and went back to sitting at the desk.

  "I looked up from my paperwork, and I wondered why the women didn't go in. She stayed outside the door watching your brother cry. It was one of the worse things I ever saw. The woman left shortly after. The look on her face was like she was devastated.

  "I just assumed she cared for your brother and whatever he said broke her heart."

  Sarah finally looked back and met my eyes. They weren't judging or accusing. All I saw was sympathy and acknowledgement. "I was wrong. I don't think that woman was here for your brother. I think she was here for you."

  My vision became blurred as I started trying to figure out what happened that day through what Sarah just said.

  "I'm sorry, Mr. Knight. I didn't mean to upset you. That was completely out of li-"

  I cut her off before she could say anything else. "Did this woman have long brown hair and green eyes? And say about this tall?" I held up my hand to about chin level. That's about Lillian's height.

  "Yes."

  Had Lil really come here to see me and saw my brother instead? It would explain her lack of correspondence with me these past couple of weeks. It doesn't make sense. I thought Lillian could tell the difference between us now. Couldn't she?

  I had to know for sure.

  "Thanks, Sarah." She nodded and turned to sit at her desk, I looked at my brother eating his dinner and then to Addison in bed asleep. Walking into the room, I stop my brother's story time. "Did you know Lillian was here two weeks ago?"

  "No. How do you know that? She's never been in here. It's either me, Addy's parents, and Tina, she comes when she doesn’t have to work. No one else."

  I take the seat on the other side of Addison and runs my eyes over her broken body. The machines still make the same noises they did two weeks ago, and the same knot forms in my stomach by looking at her.

  "Sarah said she saw a women watch you talk to Addy. Are you sure you never saw her?"

  "Dude, I swear. That night after you left it was just me and Addison, no other visitors."

  "Then she did think it was me," I breathed.

  It makes sense. The silence. No calls. No texts. No nothing.

  But why?

  Why would she come all the way to the hospital knowing that Addison was here and walk away looking, how did the nurse describe her as...devastated?

  As if a light bulb could get any brighter. My epiphany. My a-ha moment. The moment when you can see a Monet as clear as the artist himself pictured it.

  Lillian loves me. There is no other explanation.

  "God, I'm such a fool."

  "I could've told you that bro." I looked up to see Brendan grin. "The question is what are you going to do about it?"

  Good question. What was I going to do? I tried to text her, but as I look at my phone, still no response. I'm sure if I get no response with a text, calling will be useless too. I could go to her apartment, but she could be locked in there for days. I needed a plan and I needed one fast.

  "I have no idea anymore. All of this, Addison, Lil, us...it's one big misunderstanding because I couldn't be honest with myself and speak the truth." My hands go into my hair and pull at the back of my neck.

  "Then you need to speak up. It's now or never bro. You need to go get your girl before she's gone for good."

  He's right. I've always thought Brendan's advice to be bullshit so I could figure out what not to do and pave my way on my own. What I'm finding lately is more reasons why I've been an asshole because my brother, in his own way, gives me some damn good advice.

  "Tomorrow. I'll go find her tomorrow." I look down at Addison's sleeping form and feel more like a coward. "I owe it to Addy to stay with you guys."

  We sit in silence as I eat my pizza and continue to think with the beeps and whoosh sounds coming from the machines. I've repaired one relationship, and I'll deal with Addison when she wakes up. Lillian is my priority.

  I was slow to realize my feelings for Lil, fighting more with myself than anything. I know she loves me. Damon was right. Her father was right. Lillian Anderson loves me, and I'm going to prove to her once and for all I'm in love with her too.

  Chapter 33

  Lillian

  As my flight makes its descent into Miami International, I can't help but get those butterflies in my stomach knowing I'm just a few short minutes away from being reunited with my sisters. There are so many things we need to get caught up on. Since being in New York, I've missed Faith's high school graduation and Jenny's 21st birthday. Two things a big sister should never miss and the two things I'll be making up for this trip.

  Taxiing to my gate, I try to mentally prepare myself for the next week, not just being with my sisters but also drowning in all things work and family related. If I don't mention him or even think about him, he won't be in my thoughts, right? At least that's what I'm telling myself.

  "Good afternoon. It's a sunny and a warm 75 degrees in Miami today. We hope you enjoyed your flight and travel again with us soon. From your captain and crew, we'd like to welcome you to gorgeous Miami." The flight attendant's voice cut off, and I began turning my phone back on and getting my things prepared to leave the plane.

  When my phone comes to life, I'm glad I had it on vibrate. Missed calls from Jenny and Faith and email messages buzzing in. A final text from Nora made me stare at the screen longer than I thought possible.

  I tried calling and texting but I

  didn't hear from you. I wanted to

  tell you I'm pregnant, and wanted

  you to be the godmother.

  She's half kidding right? We've always talked about being god parents to each other's children, but me being the godmother of Damon's child? That thought never even crossed my mind. Even more odd, the thought of Nora and Damon having a baby together doesn't ruin my whole day. I'm hurt, sure, but it's not going to wreck my trip. The thought of someone else having a baby that's not mine makes me want to throw up. My stomach starts to turns, and I concentrate on breathing.

  "Ma'am." The attendant's voice and hand on my shoulder bring me back to the here and now. "You look quite pale. Can I get you some water?"

  "Uh." I look up and around the cabin and notice it's completely empty. "No. Thank you. I'm sorry to hold you up." I try to give a small smile.

  "It's no problem. I saw you didn't look well, so I didn't want to rush you."

  "I'm sorry to keep you."

  "No worries. We have all the post flight checks and cleaning to do before we can leave."

  I grab my purse and carryon, walk through the cabin, and head into Miami International where my sisters are probably thinking I didn't make my flight.

  They spot me before I them, and with a scream, both run toward me and bum rush me with a simultaneous hug. With Jenny on my left hugging tight and Faith on my right with just as hard a grip, I bask in the rightness that is sisterhood. There's no judgment, no expectations, no awkward conversation. There is only acceptance, love, and...a tattoo?

  I pull back from our sisterly hug and glare at Jenny. "When did you get a tattoo?"

  "It's nothing. It was a bet. I lost. No big deal." She tried to hide the foreign language permanently etched on the skin on her shoulder with her hair. She says it wasn't a big deal, but I can tell. It's a big deal.

  Jenny’s always been the headstrong one out of us three girls. Fiercely independent, highly loyal, and stubborn, oh so stubborn. She goes for what she wants, which I'm sure makes men nervous to be around her.

  The one thing that worries me is the look on her face as her hand covers the black script. Jenny was never good at foreign languages in school, which makes me question the reason for the need to get this tattoo.

  "What does it mean?" I have to ask. I can see Jenny getting a tattoo out of a bet, but something like
this is strange. I mean a small image say a butterfly or something, but words? I wouldn't peg Jenny for a tattoo like this.

  "It's nothing okay?" She mumbles something under her breath that sounds a lot like 'stupid French bastard.' Then I get the suspicion that she may not know what this means.

  "Do you even know what those words say or what language there in? It looks French or Italian."

  "It's French," She huffs and looks away. What the hell has Jenny been dealing with? I grab her hand and show her I'm right here. I want her to tell me. "How can you do that to me?"

  "Do what?" I question.

  "Make me feel comfortable enough to tell you how stupid I was to put myself in a situation to get something like this," she says as she motions to her new body art.

  "I love you and you know that. You can tell me anything."

  "Hey, me too. Have you both forgotten I'm still here?" Faith whines.

  "Girl, you have been texting on your phone this whole conversation. Don't start acting all put out now," Jenny replies then smirks to lessen the blow.

  "Your tattoo is old news anyway," Faith states with a wave of her hand and her nose right back in her phone. "Your boss. Now that's another story entirely."

  My head snaps to Jenny's, and I see a blush creep over her face then anger in her eyes. "That French twit is the reason I have this damn tattoo that I still don't know what it means!" She covers her mouth immediately then runs off.

  Faith and I both follow quickly, and when we reach Jenny again, we sink on either side of her on a bench. Jenny's sobbing, which she doesn't do often, and I feel awful my sister's been dealing with her own problems. What's worse is I've been so wrapped up in my own world in New York, I've neglected my family.

  "I think we need a sisters only night. Stay in, drink, and you can tell me all about this problem with your boss. Sound like a plan?" I need to get out of this airport and take a shower, but I also need to get my sister in a more comfortable environment to tell me what's been going on.

  Faith clears her throat and silently pleads with me. I know what she's asking for, and only because I want us to have a great time this trip will I allow this. "Fine, you can drink a little too."