Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  "It's quite nice. I've only lived there a few months, but I've been a dozen times before."

  We exchange a few more moments about where she wants to go and what she plans to do while the flight attendant is checking to make sure everything is secure. I hear the passengers saying something about the doors can't shut yet when Laurel shifts in her seat.

  "Oh, dear God. Please let him be on this plane."

  "I think everyone who's on this plane is supposed to be here," I reply with a giggle.

  "Well by the looks he's getting, I seriously doubt it."

  I look up and my eyes meet with the best sight in the entire world. Warm brown eyes meet mine, and excitement and panic set into my chest. I thought I was going to have an entire flight to figure out what I was going to say to him. Now, I'm stunned speechless.

  "Sir, please. I need you to get off the plane," I hear the flight attendant say behind him.

  Without taking his eyes off me, he produces his ticket and hands it to the woman. She reads the information then hands him back his ticket. "Then I need you to take your seat up front. We're ready to taxi to the runway."

  His eyes are burning into mine. I can't look away. I'm transfixed in this seat. My heart beating so fast I think it will explode. I don't think I'm breathing.

  "Give me five minutes. I have something I need to say."

  Chapter 36

  Brayden

  My hands have been shaking since I boarded my flight from Jacksonville to Miami. Although the flight should’ve been short and on time, there was some technical issues, which postponed the flight back half an hour. I thought I was gonna miss her.

  When we pulled up to our gate, I was the first one off the plane, running through the terminal. I saw a woman that had the facial features of Lil, but her hair was lighter. She looked nervous, so my best guess this was her sister Jenny.

  "Jenny?" I question.

  "Oh my." She clears her throat. "I don't have time to say everything I want to say. She boarded about five minutes ago. You need to hurry."

  I give her a quick hug and peck on her flushed cheek. "You have no idea how much I owe you."

  "I'll figure some way to collect. Now go get your girl," and she sends me off with a smile.

  I run past the woman trying to rope off my entrance to the plane. I quickly flash my ticket and run toward the plane.

  "Wait! God, please wait." A man hears my plea and looks back behind me to the woman I so rudely diverted to start running.

  "Sir, you have to scan your ticket at the counter."

  "I don't have time."

  "Sir, it's policy. We're responsible for-"

  I cut him off because right now he has no idea how bad I need to get on this plane. "Look, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all of this is a big misunderstanding, but right now, if I don't get on this plane, the best woman to ever come into my life will vanish, and that can't happen. You can have whatever you need from me, but please, I implore you to let me on this plane so I might have some semblance of a chance with her."

  I'm breathing hard and bracing myself both hands on either side of the open plane door. The man looks back around him and moves to the side to let me board.

  "Thank you."

  "I love a happy ending," he says on a shrug.

  And here I stand with my gaze on the woman whose captivated my heart and soul, and it suddenly dawns on me that I haven't even kissed her yet. Of all the time we spent together, we've managed to keep anything physical completely platonic.

  I'm even more of a moron than I originally thought. I flew to visit her father, officially got his blessing five hours ago, and with the help of her sister, Jenny, arranged to meet her here at the airport. And in all of these deranged plans of mine, not once did I think how stupid it would be to purpose to her if I never told her I loved her and I never kissed her.

  Worst. Idea. Ever.

  I have to say something quickly or she'll start to question why I'm acting like I've lost all sense of sanity.

  I let go of the ring that I didn't know I was gripping in my pocket and change my plan of action. Lil would think I'm completely off my rocker if I purpose to her without a detailed private explanation. So, for now, I'm going to rectify as many things as I can right here on this plane.

  I kneel next to her chair and grasp her hands. Now or never. Tell her everything. And I do.

  "I have never known anyone like you. I thought I lost you once, and I almost didn't make it. When I had my second chance, I didn't even think it was real. I've made so many bad choices, withholding information because I was scared, scared of what love could do to me.

  "But I'm not scared anymore, Lil." I let go of her hands and cup her face then rub my thumbs over the apple of both cheeks. "I'm here asking...no begging for another chance with you. I know I don't deserve it, and I've felt like such a coward not telling you before." I take a deep breath and let out the truth I've known in my heart so many months ago. "I love you, Lillian Anderson. I've loved you since you showed me that first picture in the coffee shop."

  I take a breath and concentrate on her reaction to my words. Lil's crying, not always a good sign, but she's not pushing me away or calling me a jerk, so it must be good tears. I can feel her heart beating rapidly in her neck, and her breathing is just as erratic as mine.

  When she opens her mouth to speak, I take a breath and wait to hear what her response will be.

  "Words were never my thing, but I owe you some that I never allowed myself to tell you." Her hands come up to cover mine on her face, but she doesn't pull them away. She holds them there. "You elicit emotions in me that are far out of the realm I've experienced before. I feel safe and content, two feelings I’ve never felt on this intense a level before. Just being near you makes me relax.

  "I know now I pushed you away all those months ago because I was scared too." She pulls our hands away from her face, and I felt her slipping away from me. "But..."

  But what? Holy hell, please don't stop.

  Or stop. Don't tell me to take a hike. My heart couldn't take it.

  She takes another breath or two before she continues. "But, I can't give you my heart if you love someone else. I couldn't survive that sort of devastation from you."

  From the collective gasps of the passengers around us, I would never have known we were still holding up our flight back home. Lil's face is cast downward to our hands, but I can't have that. I need her to see the resolve in my eyes when I tell her everything I need to say. I reach forward and lift her chin up with my thumb and forefinger. I can tell she trying hard to fight back the tears I see welling in her bright green eyes.

  "I've had a lot of time recently to understand what’s in my head and in my heart, Lil. I care for Addison. We've both helped each other in some way these past few years. However, I've also recognized the point at which my love for her would never go beyond that of a good friend.” I take a deep breath, look deep in her emerald eyes, and say, “It's when I meet you Lillian.

  "I've always wondered why it took so long to make a decision to ask her to marry me. I was scared of making the wrong choice, yes, but it's more than that. My whole heart wasn't in it, and that should’ve given me my first clue that Addy and I will only be friends.

  "Besides, I think my brother would have something to say about that arrangement." I grin at her, and she eyes me curiously.

  "Why would you brother have a problem with you and Addison? He seems to support you wholeheartedly."

  I don't give her an answer. I want her to come to that conclusion by herself. It should bring to light the issue in the hospital and make things more clear for her. "Think about it."

  I see the second she fully understands. Her eyes widen, and the tears that she was holding off gently break through the dam. "Oh god," Lil whispers. "I'm such an idiot."

  "Hey. No you're not. If anyone here's an idiot, it's me. I should’ve told you sooner." My hands go back to cup her face. "I'm so sorry, baby. I've made a mess of eve
rything, and I want to make it right. I love you so much. Please, don't walk away from me again."

  Lil lets out a small chuckle. "How can I walk away when I'm completely and utterly in love with you?"

  My heart just literally did a double axel, triple salchow, and nailed the landing. And, yes, I don't care how much that last sentence made me sound like a complete woman because this woman, my woman, loves me.

  I didn't even register the applause from our spectators until I was leaning in to kiss Lil for the first time. But I couldn't mess this up like I had so many other things. I had to make sure I wasn't just imagining all the ways this moment felt right.

  I was mere inches from her lips when my eyes opened fully and asked, "Can I kiss you?'

  "If you don't, we're going to have a serious problem."

  Our lips meet first to test then to taste slowly, but this perfect moment couldn't be ruined by catcalls around the plane, screaming of a life threatening emergency, or a natural disaster.

  It was perfect, our perfect.

  A moment I would never forget.

  When we pull away, we've both have smiles on our faces, and I do what any sane first class passenger who just got his girl by confessing his love with a plane full of strangers would do. I look to the woman on her left and ask, "Would you like my seat in the front? I don't think I could go three hours without being next to my girl here."

  The woman sighs dreamily and smiles. "It would be my pleasure." She faces Lil. "You're one of the luckiest women I've ever met. This one's a keeper. That was so romantic." Lil smiles, and I couldn't miss the blush if I tried.

  "Thank you, Laurel," Lillian replies.

  Lil and I stand and move so Laurel can move around us to claim her new seat in first class. When we take our seats, the flight attendants are explaining flight precautions and the plane is taxiing to the runway.

  I never let Lil's hand go, and to be honest, I never wanted to.

  We made the best of our three hour flight discussing what happened to each of us over the last month. I told her about my conversation with Brendan and what I know of Addison's current condition, and she gave me the scoop on her sister and the Frenchman who apparently is in awe of her younger sibling.

  We make it back to New York, and you can definitely feel the temperature drop as we make our way toward my parked car.

  "Now, I could say I'm disappointed I don't get to live out my Ali fantasy, but I think feeling normal is just a good," Lil remarks as I load our luggage in the trunk of my black Chrysler 300.

  "Don't worry, baby. You can be my Ali and I'll be your Daniel anytime," I reply with a wink. She starts to laugh, and my smile grows so wide it might be a permanent fixture on my face.

  This is what it means to be happy. I may not have purposed yet or secured any type of 'forever' with Lillian, but we've started with I love you and these amazing kisses.

  I'm going to let the rest fall into place.

  Chapter 37

  Brendan

  I've memorized every aspect of this hospital room, the sounds of the machines, the amount of time until the nurses change the IV fluids, the nurses schedules, and sadly, I'm just another fixture in this room that blends into the current atmosphere.

  I'm going to break. Sooner or later the strength and faith I'm trying to keep for Addison's return from the unconscious will turn to despair.

  The only people that are keeping me from taking a turn toward negativity are my brother, Lillian, and Sarah. It was difficult to see Brayden and Lillian walk into the hospital room together, fingers entwined and a cheerfulness in their eyes that no one could mistaken for anything but true, undeniable love. I'm happy for them; I really am. My heart just hurts that the person I so wish to have hold my hand like that lies in a bed unchanged from one day to the next.

  Sarah tries to break up the monotony of the day to day as much as she's able. We talk about properties available that she might be interested in, and she likes me to show her more expensive places just for the purpose of oooing and aahing the opulence of what money can buy. When on shift, she offers to take me to lunch or dinner in the cafeteria if I didn't bring food with me. It's comforting to have someone take time to share meals with. We laugh and joke like old friends, making my time in the walls of the hospital more bearable.

  "Hey, Bren. How's she doing today? Any change?" My brother's voice pulls me from responding to emails on my laptop. I close my work for now, place the computer on the rolling table, and head toward my brother and Lillian.

  "No." I pull him into a hug then go to hug Lillian. "Hey. You keeping my brother out of trouble?"

  She laughs then looks to my brother with a sly smile. His smile grows, and never taking her eyes off Brayden she answers, "You should know by now he is the trouble."

  Brayden tugs her into his arms, one in her hair and the other tight around her waist. "I'm good and you know it," he murmurs to her.

  I clear my throat, and the two love birds break apart slowly realizing once again where they are. "So, what are you guys up to today?"

  "We wanted get you out of here for a while and take you to dinner," my brother says.

  I shake my head. "I can't leave her, bro. I won't."

  "A few hours, Bren. You need to get away."

  "Bray, I can't. I don't even go home anymore. Sarah watched Addy while I went to get clothes I could wear. She also got me access to the showers and to a washer and dryer here. The last time I left the hospital was before you left to Florida."

  "Oh my god, Brendan," Lily whispers.

  "I know, but I can't leave her."

  "Dude, it's been weeks since I left to Florida. You need-"

  I hold up my hands to cut him off now. I don't care what he thinks I need to do. I need to stay with Addison. There's no other option.

  Nine weeks.

  Nine weeks I've been sitting here in this white-walled hospital room begging Addison to wake up. Praying God for a miracle. Asking doctors and nurses if there's anything else I can possibly do for her. At this point, I don't care what anyone thinks I may need. I'm not going anywhere.

  "I know you mean well, but I won't leave her."

  I see Lillian's hand go to Brayden's chest and rubbing slightly. He looks down to meet her eyes. Her expression says calm down and don't give him a lecture, and I couldn't be more grateful for Lillian and her power to persuade my brother than in this moment.

  She looks to me and gives me a smile. "Would you like to go to the cafeteria with us and have dinner?"

  Before I could answer, Sarah comes through the door waving a plain white paper bag in front of her. "Hey. I brought sandwiches." When she realizes Brayden and Lillian are in the room, her smile fades and her professional tone is back in place. "I'm sorry, Mr. Knight. I apologize for interrupting." She starts to retreat saying, "Excuse me."

  "Wait, Sarah." She stops and turns to face me. "Please stay. I would love a sandwich." I turn to my brother and his girlfriend, but I don't miss the strange look I'm getting from my twin. I'm sure he thinks something is going on with Sarah, but he couldn't be farther from the truth. "I'm going to stay here and eat dinner with Sarah. I'm really fine. I'll keep you updated."

  "Alright, but you will get out of this hospital soon. You know Addy wouldn't want you sitting in here miserable just waiting."

  I fight the urge to let my growl rise to an audible level. How would my brother know what Addison would want? Their relationship was more of friends than lovers. He sees the expression and quickly wraps his arm around Lillian.

  "We're going to go. Call me if anything happens," is his response to my glare.

  I simply nod. "I will." I then go to Lillian and kiss her cheek. "Thank you both for coming."

  "She's going to wake up Brendan, and when she does things will get better. I know it." Lillian's faith in Addy's recovery puts a much needed smile on my face.

  "Thank you, Lillian."

  Brayden gives me a one armed hug and we have a conversation without words. I
can tell he's sorry, and he knows I am too. It makes it easier we don't have to spell our feelings out all that much. We're brothers. We're good.

  After they leave the room, I turn to Sarah setting up our dinner with a couple bottles of water.

  "I hope that's chicken salad because last time that was my favorite."

  She gives me a look that says duh, like I would forget, and we eat dinner like most nights she's on her shift, discussing Addy and Sarah’s boyfriend.

  ******

  The next afternoon, Sarah breezes in with the biggest smile on her face. It makes me happy to know that she’s happy. We’ve become such good friends over the last two months. It’s just easy for us. Maybe it’s this connection we have through her work and Addison being here or maybe it’s my outlook on things in general lately. Either way, I’m glad Sarah and I have the friendship we have.

  “How’d she do last night?” She always sounds so optimistic in regards to Addison’s recovery.

  “Same as yesterday.” I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s hard to stay positive when the one person you’re in love with is unaware and unable to feel it.

  “She’ll come around. Keep the faith, Brendan.” She wanders over to Addy and does her routine checks. While she’s busy working, she continues the conversation. “I forgot to tell you. My boyfriend is coming by today. You might get to meet him, since I told him about you. I think he’s sorta jealous, so he says he’s coming by to have dinner with me. I think what he really means is he’s has to come by to make sure you’re not trying to steal me away from him.” She laughs, but I can tell something about the situation with her boyfriend doesn’t make her feel all that great. At least I’ll get to meet this guy, and make sure he knows where I stand with Sarah. She’s a great friend, however, even though we’re not romantically involved, I consider her a sister and will look after her as such.

  “Don’t worry. He’s crazy if he doesn’t see how over the moon you are for him. Even I can tell, and I haven’t met him yet.” I give her a wink and a smile before she giggles and walks out of the room to her next patient.