Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  ******

  As the afternoon turns to darkness, this hospital room doesn’t falter. The lights remain dim, the sounds remain constant, and the only thing that changes is properties on my laptop screen as I roll through my lessened workload.

  Addy’s parents have taken a few days to themselves because of Addy’s long stay and unchanging condition. They were reluctant at first, but after reassuring them both that I would call if anything changed, they agreed.

  I hear a knock at the door and turn my head to see a tall, blond male figure filling the doorway. He steps into the dim light of the room with his arms crossed. His posture tells me he’s mad about something, and the hard lines of his face and pissed off look in his eyes make me dislike him immediately.

  Some guy I don’t know walks into Addy’s room with a face like he’s ready to murder me, and I’m the bad guy? I sure as fuck think not.

  “Can I help you?” My question slips from my lips in a growl because honestly, I don’t care who this guy is, this is my girl’s room and he needs to leave.

  Before he can speak, Sarah enters the room looking from me to this asshole giving me an I’m sorry expression. “Hey, you guys have met. Brendan, this is my boyfriend-“

  The groan in unmistakable.

  Addy.

  I turn and focus all my energy and efforts toward her. She groans and moves slightly, and it’s the best thing I’ve seen since I laid in her lap with her fingers running through my hair and she smiled at me.

  I hear blonde a-hole mumble something that sounds like “oh fuck,” but I can’t be sure. I don’t care what he’s doing here because my gorgeous girl is about to wake up.

  Sarah rushes to Addy’s left as I go to her right. The guy stays rooted where he is, staring. I sit next to her and grip her hand as Addy groans some more and tries to open her eyes.

  “Hey, Addy,” I croon. “Open up those gorgeous blues for me, huh.”

  She struggles, but I know the tube down her throat isn’t making this any easier.

  “Hey, Addison. Let’s take this tube out so you can take a drink of water.” Sarah calls for another nurse to help remove the ventilator tube. When complete, they replace it with oxygen tubes to her nose.

  “Hurts,” is all she can say.

  “Yeah, it’s gonna hurt for a bit. Let me get you some water.” Sarah quickly fetches water from the sink a few feet away. “Brendan, can you turn down the lights a bit lower. It might help Addison’s eyes adjust to her surroundings.”

  “Sure.” Then I dim the light behind her bed and the lights around the room. The man hasn’t moved, and I’m about to kick him out when I hear more movement from Addy.

  “Why does my head hurt?” She manages to get out, and it sounds like feet dragging across gravel.

  Sarah takes over before I can rush into anything. We talked about this. She has to ask questions, and I can’t offer assistance or any information regarding the questions. It could make her more confused and potentially scare her.

  “You’ve been in an accident. Can you tell me your name?”

  With a hand to her head, Addy replies, “Addison, but my friends call me Addy.”

  “Great. Addison. Do you know what day it is?”

  “I don’t know. Tuesday maybe?”

  “Do you know what month it is?”

  “April.” No. It’s December. This isn’t starting out that great.

  “Can you tell me what year it is, Addison?”

  “2011.”

  This is definitely not right. It’s 2014. Three years. What was happening to her three years ago? She wasn’t with Brayden then, she was with her ex. The ex who cheated on her.

  Sarah asks more questions like about her life, friends, family, and then what’s the last thing she remembers.

  “Teenie and I were going shopping, and we’re trying to find a new outfit for a photo shoot so I could get some headshots.” Addy looks to Sarah and eyes her curiously.

  “Headshots?” Sarah’s trying to push her to continue.

  “Yes. I was told I needed headshots to send agents. If they like me, they would sign me on as a model.”

  She has no idea she’s already a model who travels the world and who’s seen amazing places. Places we’ve talked about at length. Then it dawns on me. Three years. She doesn’t know she’s already a model. She’s never met Brayden.

  That means…she doesn’t know me.

  I put my hand next to her on her bed and her focus shifts to me. Sarah doesn’t offer any more probing questions. Addy just stares at me and me at her. Can she tell I love her? Can she sense my heart is and will always be hers?

  She studies me quietly. Squinting her eyes at times and cocking her head slightly looking utterly confused. She lifts her right hand up to my face, but right before she touches it, she lowers it.

  It’s then that I speak for the first time since she opened those bright blue eyes. “It’s okay. You can touch me,” I say as I take her hand gently and lift it to my face. Her touch is soft and sweet but at the same time hesitant. I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking of right now.

  “Do I know you?” she whispers to me.

  Tears are there, right at the verge of breaking free. “Yeah.” I manage to whisper back.

  The blonde dumbass who never left the room decides now would be the best time to clear his throat and get the attention of everyone in the room who doesn’t want him there at that moment.

  Addy’s hand immediately drops from my face. As I look back to gauge her reaction, her faces lights up with a smile. It’s not vibrant like the smiles I’ve seen from her before. It’s shy and slightly submissive.

  “Clayton.”

  Where have I heard that name before? This is Sarah’s boyfriend. Has she mentioned it to me? I search my brain trying to pick up the memory, but come up flat. Where, where do I know that name from?

  “Addy?” The guy speaks. Addy? Friends call her Addy. But his voice isn’t laced with love or concern, it’s comes out as surprised as I am because I now know where I’ve heard that name before.

  This is Clayton, Addy’s ex-boyfriend.

  Chapter 38

  Addison

  What is going on?

  I’m trying to remember, but my brain hasn’t seemed to catch up to what’s happening. The last thing I remember is my best friend, Teenie, and I shopping in Neiman Marcus for a to-die-for outfit for my first photo shoot to get an agent.

  “Can you guys give me a minute?” I have to ask because I seriously can’t process all of this right now. The nurse looks concerned, but does as I ask. Clayton looks surprised, but I know things are rocky with us at best. I love him, but he’s been pushing his sexual fantasies on me more and more lately.

  And this mystery man. This completely handsome, painstakingly sexy, hot man that I have no recollection of knowing is staring at me with deep brown eyes that convey something that looks like love and admiration.

  I need to get to the bottom of this in my head as soon as possible.

  When they file out of the room, I can vaguely hear the men speaking, but I don’t bother with trying to figure out what they’re saying. I need to focus on what I know. I need to make a list.

  My name is Addison James.

  I’m 23 years old.

  I live in New York with my boyfriend, Clayton.

  My best friend is Teenie.

  I want to be a model.

  I love Clayton. Well, I think I love him. That’s been draining lately because I feel he may be pursuing other women behind my back, which, by the way, is completely not alright with me. I’ve already told him I will never share, with a girl or a guy. Not me. No. Way.

  No matter what I think I know, it’s something about those brown eyes of my mystery man that I can’t deny. It also scares me to death that I feel this overwhelming connection to him and not to my boyfriend.

  I press the button for the nurse because I need her to fill me in on what’s going on. The nurse enters the room
followed by the mystery man and Clayton. My eyes lock on the gorgeous man that seems to know me, and I’m riveted. His eyes are so expressive; I’d have a hard time not getting lost in them.

  “Yes, Addison. Can I get you anything?” The nurse asks.

  Without taking my eyes off the stunning man in front of me, I ask, “Actually, could I talk to you?”

  He smiles, and if I thought my world couldn’t brighten any further, I was wrong. His smile warms me like the sun on a warm summer’s day back home. It’s calming, relaxing, and I can’t help but return with a smile of my own.

  The deep tone of his voice makes my cheeks gain a bit of color. “Sure.”

  Clayton and the nurse leave as the beautiful man sits next to me. “What’s your name?” I can’t help that’s my first question to him in private, but it’s killing me not to know a name to go with his striking face.

  “Brendan,” he replies simply.

  Brendan, and boy, does it suit him. To the natural whiskey color highlights in his dark brown hair to his eyes that captivate me and the lips that I can practically feel kissing mine.

  “Do you remember me?” He asks cutting through my quiet perusal of his face.

  “No.” My answer makes his smile disappear and sadness takes its place. I can’t have that. What have I got to lose here, right? I don’t see Clayton and I together forever, and that may seem like an awful thing to do, but I’m just going off of instinct now. “But,” I start as his eyes meet mine again, “I feel this connection with you somehow, like you were born of my best wishes and a product of my greatest fantasies. I don’t know who you are or how I know you, but I want to.”

  His smile grows bigger, if that’s even possible, and tiny strings I never knew existed pull at my heart. He cups my face with both hands, and even though I have no recollection of who is he, I feel this sort of comfort from his touch and his presence. So, I let him show me this affection.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to tell you sooner,” Brendan manages to get out as he presses our foreheads together lightly. “I’m so sorry, Addy.”

  I have no idea what he’s talking about. He sounds as though he’s failed me in some way, but that’s not how I feel inside. I feel my muscles relax and bask in this intimate moment with my beautiful stranger. It’s like he knows me, and I know him, which is the strangest realization given the state of my memories.

  “Can I ask you some questions? It feels like you might be able to help more than anyone.” Why would he know more than the nurse or Clayton? I have no idea, but I feel it. I can sense it in every fiber of my being that this man knows the real me.

  “Ask me anything you want. I’ll try and give you as much as I know. Just promise me something?” I nod, and I’m blessed with another radiant smile. “Tell me to stop if it gets too much for you. I don’t want to overwhelm you.”

  “Promise.” It’s so easy to promise things to him, and it makes me wonder what else I’ve promised him in our history together.

  “Where did I meet you?”

  Brendan shifts a bit, but keep a hold of my hands. For support, for our connection? I’m hoping for the latter. “I met you through my brother.”

  “How long have I known you?”

  “About three years give or take.”

  My eyes grow wide, and I pull my hands out of his grip. Three years more or less? I don’t have any memory of him, which means I don’t remember three years of my life. That’s not possible.

  “Hey. It’s okay. I’ve talked to the doctor and nurses. They said you may have amnesia given the extent of your head injuries. They always told me it was a possibility.” Amnesia? I don’t remember my life? Three years of my life? “They said it may be temporary, and you’ll regain your memories a little at a time or all at once. Something could trigger memories or, if needed, they can put you into therapy. But, I swear, whatever we have to do, I’ll do it. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

  He seems so earnest in his convictions to be with me, but what if I’m never back to the way I was when he knew me? What if I never get my memories back and the time we spent together is lost forever?

  Brendan wraps me in his warm embrace when I realize I’m crying into his warm chest. It’s a simple act of comfort, but even this seems intimate.

  We’re startled out of our moment by loud voices from outside the door. I can see someone throwing a punch and landing right in Clayton’s face. I gasp and bring my hands to my face then Brendan runs out to see what’s going on.

  “What the hell are you doing here you asshole?!” I hear someone that sounds like Brendan shouting.

  “None of your damn business! Who are you anyway?” Clayton seems surprised again, but I can only guess because he just got punched.

  “I’m the guy who was there for her when you tied her to the bed and banged a chick right in front of her. You low-life scumbag. You ripped that girl’s heart out, and you have the nerve to come here and expect something from her. You are truly a piece of work.”

  Clayton tied me to a bed? Had sex with another girl in front of me? I knew he was set on trying to add another girl in our bed, but doing that me? I didn’t think he was that awful. I will my brain to remember anything about it, but it doesn’t seem to want to comply to my request as much as I want it to.

  I see another punch fly and connect with Clayton’s stomach. “Stop! Please stop!” If what these guys are saying is true, I’m not one of those girls who likes to see someone get beat up over it. That would make me just as bad as they’re claiming Clayton to be.

  Brendan re-enters my room and another Brendan behind him. Now, I really think I’m seeing things. I close my eyes and rub the heels of my palms over them to make sure I’m definitely awake. When I open my eyes again, I’m still seeing double.

  Twins.

  Then a memory surfaces. Clayton with a brunette. Me tied to our bed crying. Their moans mixed with my determination to block them out, but can’t. Teenie untying me. Me drowning in vodka to erase the sound of Clayton’s last words to me.

  You will never be good enough for any man.

  I look up and lock eyes with Clayton rubbing his jaw. I narrow my eyes and ground out with every bit of contempt I can muster in two words to him. “Get out.”

  “What the fuck ever. I’m gone.” He turns to leave when the nurse turns to follow. However, Brendan or his twin, god it’s so hard to tell them apart, takes the nurse by the wrist.

  “Please stay, Sarah.”

  “She’s coming with me,” Clayton replies.

  One of the brothers tries to protest again. “Check her again, Sarah.”

  Sarah seems conflicted, but knows her duties as a nurse override that of a boyfriend, one which she probably only saw his true colors as of a few minutes ago. She leaves Clayton to see himself out but with a sad smile on her face.

  She comes to my left side and fiddles with my IV tubes and check the equipment. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I’m so embarrassed…and hurt.”

  “Hey. I didn’t know either, well, until now. From what I know, you really don’t what to get involved with him.”

  Her smile is nothing short of heartbreaking. She really must have felt something strong for that loser. She leans into me, checking tubes. “Brendan’s been here since you got admitted. He’s a good guy.” When she straightens, I can see the shy smile that tells me she’s honest, and I can’t help but trust her. I smile back knowing in my heart whatever this weird feeling is with Brendan is one I’m willing to explore further.

  Sarah leaves the room, and I’m back facing two Brendan’s. Not that it’s a poor sight, but for some reason, it makes me think of sitting on a couch eating Chinese food and drinking beer. I look to the brothers.

  “Have we ever eaten Chinese food on a couch somewhere?”

  They both chuckle. Brendan, or who I think I remember as Brendan, comes to sit next to me, while his brother walks to stand beside him. However, it’s the brother, not Brendan, who answers. �
��Yeah, we use to go to Brendan’s house and eat on his couch because he didn’t have a table.”

  Table.

  Table. God that sounds so familiar.

  Teenie.

  Table.

  God, brain, make sense of this for me.

  Wait.

  “I sat at a table there too. We ate sushi and drank sake, right?”

  Now, Brendan speaks. “Sure did. You love sushi and sake. Got me the set for Christmas one year.”

  I don’t remember that, but whatever he says I suppose.

  I look up to his brother. “What’s your name?”

  He looks sad, but answers anyway. “Brayden. Do you not remember me? Remember our time together?”

  Our time together?

  When I look in Brayden’s eyes, I don’t feel the same connection to him as I do with Brendan. Does that make me awful? Was I with Brayden and seeing Brendan? Oh god, I was a horrible girlfriend, cheating on one twin with another. No wonder I’m in here with barely any memories of the last three years. This is my punishment.

  For some odd reason, I look to my left hand where a ring sits on my finger. Why I never noticed it before now, I have no idea, but something in my mind forces me to stare at the diamond. Thinking. Wondering.

  Those small memories are like cracks in a dam, and without another moment, the dam breaks, flooding my mind with everything from the past three years. All of the memories. All of the times I wanted Brayden to be Brendan. Each kiss wishing it was Brendan’s. Even though now I know I didn’t cheat on Brayden, it doesn’t make what I was secretly wishing to happen any better.

  I barely recognize my voice is as soft as a feather. “I remember.”

  It may be the feeling I know inside of me is deep, true, undying love for Brendan or the fact I know when I tell Brayden there’s no wedding and I love his brother, he’ll have Lillian to go to. Maybe it’s both of those reasons that prompt my next move.

  I remove the ring so delicately from my finger and place it in my hand. When I look up to the brothers, Brendan is wondering what I’m doing, and Brayden looks surprisingly relieved. I hold my hand out and Brayden slips his into mine as Brendan leans back watching our exchange. I place the ring back in his hand and fold his fingers over it.