THE AFFAIR

by Davis, Dyanne

  I watched the kids playing at the park, running until they were dead on their feet, screaming in joy until they could scream no more. I wanted to kick myself for not having thought of it sooner. They would be much too tired when I returned them home to create any further damage.

  The plan worked much better than I would have thought possible. Both kids were so excited about being out, they behaved like perfect angels when we went to eat. I didn’t push my luck by taking them to an adult establishment. McDonald’s was the voted choice. Their bellies filled, we started home with promises from me that if they were good we would do this again.

  Why not? Nothing else had worked. Bribes were my last options. Besides, they would not be here forever, and I didn’t have time to modify their behavior. I could only work on the way I reacted to them.

  I went to see Blaine twice in the next week. Once we had lunch. I found him an extremely engaging young man. I allowed myself to care for him. His easy manner and quick smile were contagious.

  The only thing that was stopping this time from being truly happy was Erica. She never stopped looking at me when I was home. She never said anything, but for some reason her suspicious looks caused me to have suspicions of my own. I had had the distinct impression that I’d been followed but had shrugged it off. Erica’s manner made me wonder.

  I continued to take the kids out to play a couple of hours a day when I returned home. And miracle of miracles, my home stayed cleaner.

  One night after a visit with Blaine, I was feeling extremely peaceful and thought again that with talking perhaps Larry and I could cross the great divide that existed between us.

  I showered in the small hall shower, missing the comfort of my huge shower in my bedroom, missing my Jacuzzi tub and missing my comfortable bed. Part of me was missing my husband.

  On this particular night, I climbed the stairs to my bedroom instead of going into my newly commandeered room. I walked inside the door and closed it.

  Larry stared up at me, his face curious. He watched me as I made my way from the door to the bed. I ran my hand across the thick mattress, missing it even more now that I was not lying on it.

  “Hi,” I said to Larry. “Mind if we talk?”

  He put the book he was reading down on the nightstand. “What is it you want to talk about?”

  I was wishing the strange way he was looking at me would change with my words, but I wasn’t holding out much hope. I saw the hunger come into his eyes. I knew he wanted me. It had been months since we’d made love. He couldn’t hide the fact that he was horny. I saw the covers rise ever so slightly. Denying it would have been futile.

  “Larry, I was thinking, maybe we should try marriage counseling.” I moved closer to him and allowed my hand to accidentally touch the bulge under the cover. I felt him shiver before he moved away from me.

  He looked away toward the door. “Is that the reason you’ve finally come to our room?” He looked back at me, at the nightgown I wore and I could see him struggling with his lust and his desire to see me give in.

  I recognized it in the slant of his jaw as he tilted his head back and gave me the look that said, So you give in, you’re tired of fighting.

  Funny thing, if he’d said that to me I would have readily said yes. I was tired of fighting. I wasn’t ready to give in, but I was ready to compromise.

  “Tell me something, Mick. What have you been doing this week?”

  He was looking at me as though he knew something and he was only waiting for me to admit it. I thought about the two times in the past week I’d seen Blaine. Surely Larry had no way of knowing about that.

  “I’ve been working as usual. What does that have to do with our seeking some help with our problems?”

  “Mick, I don’t think it’s us with the problem. I think it’s you. You’ve changed. I used to know without a shadow of a doubt that I could trust you with my life. Now it seems as if I can’t even trust you to keep your word.”

  Larry’s eyes fell on my lips and I knew he was using tremendous will power not to kiss me. For some reason he wanted to be angry with me.

  “What else did you do this week, Mick? Please give me enough respect not to lie to me again. Tell me the truth.”

  I knew then that somehow he was aware I’d seen Blaine, but how? “Larry, I haven’t lied to you. I never promised you that I wouldn’t see Blaine.”

  “I told you not to, I told you to forget this nonsense.”

  “You’re my husband, Larry. That doesn’t give you the right to tell me what to do, and whom I can and can not see.

  “Have you been following me around, Larry, waiting for me to sneak away to see Chance?” I wondered if that was what he was doing, because surely it couldn’t be Blaine that he was worrying about.

  “Is this easy for you, Mick?”

  “No, it’s not easy for me.”

  “What did I do to make you stop loving me?”

  He ran the pad of his finger down my arm. “I haven’t stopped loving you.”

  “This is the first time you’ve been in our bedroom in over three months, other than to clean. That sure as hell doesn’t feel like you love me. It’s been months since we’ve made love. Most of the time, you won’t even come close enough for me to touch you.”

  His fingers were trembling as he ran them more easily down my arm. His breathing was becoming heavy and I knew that in a matter of seconds the conversation would take an entirely different turn. I didn’t move away from him, but I made my voice as firm as I could. I was a bit trembly myself.

  “Larry, my not sharing your bed doesn’t mean I no longer love you.”

  “Then what does it mean?”

  “It means you refused to listen to me until I took that step.”

  “Are you saying you’re not here in our bed where you belong in order to teach me a lesson?”

  He was moving closer to me. He captured my head in his hands; his eyes bored into mine.

  “Are you playing games with me?” His voice broke then before he asked, “Are you putting me through hell for no good reason?”

  “The fact that you’re asking me that is the reason I’m not back in our room. I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m not happy.” I pulled in a deep breath before continuing. I wanted to do this right. I didn’t want to hurt my husband or make him angry. I just wanted him to listen to me.

  “Honey, please listen to me,” I pleaded. “I’m sick and tired of giving in just so we don’t have any fights. I’m tired of taking a backseat in your life to our children. If you think I’m attempting to do this to punish you…”

  His lips captured mine. His kiss was rough and demanding as he shoved his tongue into my mouth. He pushed me back into the pillows, crushing me beneath his body, his hand searching beneath my gown.

  Tearing my lips from his I whispered. “Honey, stop, we need to talk. This isn’t going to solve anything.”

  He was beyond hearing me. His breathing was raspy, and his hands were moving rapidly up and down my body. He pulled away for a moment to pull down his pajamas.

  I thought of giving him what he wanted. It had been so long that I knew it would be over in a matter of minutes. All I had to do was lie there, give in, and then maybe he’d be more willing to listen, willing to go to a marriage counselor.

  I felt Larry’s hand reaching between my legs to guide himself into my body. He didn’t care that this wasn’t what I wanted. It was what he wanted, what he intended to have.

  Just as he moved his hand to begin his descent, I rolled away. “No, Larry! Not until we talk.”

  My husband froze. He was holding his penis in his hand ready to enter my body and I wasn’t there. He made a strangled sound and his hand fell away from his body. The confusion he felt was reflected on his face and in his eyes.

  “Why are you even here, Mick?” He rolled away from me, pulling his pajamas back up.

  “I want to talk. Do you want to save our marriage? If you do, we need an unbiased third party. We ne
ed counseling.”

  The anger was evident in his voice as well as the hurt when he answered me. “Who told you this, Blaine MaDia? If he’s such a hot shot psychic, he should have told you my answer.” Larry was out of the bed now, pacing back and forth.

  “He hasn’t given me any readings. I haven’t asked him to. He’s just being my friend.”

  Larry turned, his eyes glaring. “What about Viola? I thought that was the reason you wanted to see him. Weren’t you concerned about what you might have been doing right before you hit her? You said you wanted to know why you hadn’t seen her. Was that a lie, or are you screwing him too?”

  The sound of the slap reverberated throughout our bedroom.

  Larry’s hand went to the cheek that I’d hit. He was staring wide-eyed at me, surprised. So was I. The sound of the slap was still echoing in every nook of our bedroom.

  “You hit me.” Larry sounded dazed. “I can’t believe you hit me for some guy you’re screwing.”

  I threw my hands up into the air. “Everything comes down to sex with you, doesn’t it? Why am I even trying?”

  I didn’t know if I was asking Larry or myself. I stood in front of my angry husband, bracing myself for the worst, remembering my parents and how their fights always escalated to the point of violence.

  Our fights never had, because I had never allowed us to fight. Now, in the middle of our fight, I thought about my mother. Maybe she hadn’t been so weak after all. In the end she’d had the guts to end it and get a divorce.

  “Larry, you’ve never listened to me. In the two years we were dating and the twenty-six years we’ve been married, you’ve never listened. Anytime I tried to tell you there was a problem, you thought kissing me and telling me everything was fine would make it so.

  “It won’t work anymore. Your kisses won’t stop me from hurting, they won’t make the problems go away and your telling me that I’m happy doesn’t make it so. I’m tired of promising you things I can’t deliver. I can’t give you a perfect life.”

  “Before him…before Blaine, it was perfect.”

  He couldn’t say Chance’s name. He could barely make himself say Blaine’s. “Maybe for you, Larry. Never for me.”

  We stood staring at each other. For an instant I almost laughed. All those years I’d walked on eggshells. Now look at me. All the damn eggs were broken and we were still standing. We hadn’t struck out at each other in anger. Well, I had slapped Larry, but he’d deserved it.

  But other than that, our fights, and this was the worst one we’d ever had, didn’t involve blood or trips to the emergency room.

  We were not my parents. I looked around our bedroom. It was still intact. We had fought, no broken bones, no broken furniture. In the midst of all this I felt a tremendous relief.

  “Baby, we’re not our parents. Let’s stop being afraid. Let’s begin again. Let’s do it right, the way we should have years ago.”

  Tears were running down my cheeks. “We’re fighting, but it doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other. It just means we’re human. I don’t have to be afraid anymore of what’s going to happen to us if we fight.”

  Larry was staring at me, fear in his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about us. All these years I’ve given in to you because I’ve been afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. I thought for sure we’d get divorced if we didn’t kill each other first.”

  I started laughing then. I felt so good, so free. “Honey, let it go. It’s time you release your fears also. Believe me, it feels wonderful.” I sank down to the bed.

  “Mick, what’s wrong with you? How can you laugh about our fighting? What is it you want me to release?”

  “Your feelings about your mother, about her abandoning you.”

  He started to pull away from me, but I grabbed his hand and held on. “No, Larry. It’s time to admit it to yourself and to me. It’s part of the reason for both our pain.”

  He stood and I stood with him. “You don’t have to beat yourself up about being a good father. You are, you always were and you always will be.

  “It doesn’t mean that you have to let them walk all over you or us. I know how much you love the kids, but it’s time they were on their own. I’m tired of them dropping in on us whenever they want. I want them to give back their keys.”

  He was looking at me as if I was insane and I was. I was insane to have put up with this crap for so long.

  “Please,” I whispered. “For once would you listen to me? They come into our home whenever they want and they take things without asking and never return them. I can’t stand it. They’re driving me nuts.”

  I had stopped laughing and was now crying again. “You’re not your mother. You didn’t abandon your kids.”

  I walked closer to him. “But I feel that you’ve abandoned me. It wasn’t so bad when they were babies or even before they moved out, but they’re all out and adults now. It’s time to let go. It’s time for us to be the center of each other’s life.”

  “You’re asking me to choose between you and our kids. How can you do that, Mick? You know how I feel about that.”

  “Yes, I know. That’s why I’ve kept silent so long. But I can’t any longer. What we have is not enough anymore. You’re not your mother. And I’m not mine.”

  “Keep my mother out of this.”

  “I can’t. The scars from what she did to you are still with you. They’re the reason that you are the way you are. You need to talk to someone about it. Let it go. I’ll help you.”

  “Shut up, Mick, shut up about my mother. I don’t give a damn about her. This isn’t about her anyway. This is about you. You’re the one who broke up our marriage, you’re the one who had an affair and you’re the one who’s sneaking behind my back to see a fucking psychic.”

  It hit me then, something I hadn’t thought of. It was so obvious. I should have asked him in the beginning of the argument.

  “You never did tell me. How did you know I saw Blaine?”

  He looked away. He didn’t need to tell me. It was Erica. I remembered the looks she had been giving me. I couldn’t believe it. My own daughter had been following me. My feelings that I was being followed had turned out to be right after all.

  A crushing sadness overtook me and I stood in surrender, shivering from the pain of total loss. “I think I’ll answer the question you’ve been harping on for months. Remember this, you asked for it.

  “You really want to know about the sex with Chance? You’ve been asking if I enjoyed it. I’ll tell you now. Yes, it was incredible.” I looked up into my husband’s eyes that were beginning to cloud over with pain.

  “Do you want to know why it was so incredible? He gave himself to me completely. He didn’t hold back. There were no memories, no pain to stop him from loving me. There was no one who he found just a bit more important than being with me. And do you want to know what else? He listened when I talked.”

  I turned to walk out of the bedroom. I had one more person to confront. I knew I’d twisted the knife in my husband’s heart. He was crying and so was I.

  “I love you, Mick,” he said as I walked down the stairs.

  “I know you do,” I answered him, “just not enough.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Every step I took was laced with determination. It was time I put Erica in her place and sent her packing. If her father couldn’t do it, then I would have to.

  I pounded on the door to the bedroom she was sleeping in, oblivious to the noise I was making, or to Larry’s voice coming down the stairs after me.

  “Mick, she’s asleep. You’re going to wake her.”

  “Do I look as if I care?” I asked him, amazed that he would even say that to me.

  “What about the kids? They’re asleep also. Do you want to wake them? They’re just babies. This can wait until the morning, Mick.”

  “Larry, why don’t you just go back to bed and leave me alone? Your precious daughter will
never blame you for my actions. Don’t worry, you’ll still be the perfect father.”

  I was being nasty. Part of me wanted to stop, but the other part of me wanted to lash out at Larry, to do anything that might make him actually open his ears and hear me, not what he wanted to hear, but me.

  “Erica.” I pounded on the door. “Wake up.” The door opened to her glaring, sleep-filled eyes. I marched in the room, Larry right on my heels.

  “Mother, why are you banging on my door in the middle of the night? I was sleeping.”

  Erica glared at me before looking over my shoulder to glare at her father. “Dad, why didn’t you stop her?”

  I answered her before Larry had a chance. “Erica, I want you out of here. Tomorrow morning you get your things and go to a hotel until you leave. I’m serious. I also want the key to this house back. I don’t want you coming here letting yourself in anymore when we’re not home.”

  “Why are you so anxious for me to leave, Mother? You think that Daddy doesn’t know what’s going on? You want to continue having your affair, don’t you, Mother? Daddy may believe you that it’s over. I don’t. It’s too late to send me home. Tomorrow, everyone’s coming.”

  I looked first at Larry, then at Erica with the permanent sneer on her face, ignoring that she was being so proper in calling me Mother instead of Mom. “Who’s everyone?” I asked.

  “Your other children, Mother. Shannon, Derrick, Beth and Brigid. They’re all coming to support Dad. We’re going to have a little family meeting.”

  “Who arranged this little meeting?”

  I held myself in check, finding myself for the first time in my children’s lives really wanting to hit one of them.

  With Larry the slap had just happened. With Erica, I could imagine the feel of her skin on my hand, the imprint of my fingers on her cheek. I could well imagine doing this, so I stayed as far away from her as I could in the small bedroom.