Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  PRESENT…

  Lawson

  I listened and re-read all of Renee’s messages she had left for me. By the time I sobered up enough to drive home, it was way beyond late. I know I fucked up royally by not coming home like I was supposed to, and I feel like a selfish jerk for making my wife worry.

  I knew our daughter was home and a very early riser. After managing a couple of hours asleep on the couch, I grabbed a shower and changed before I was caught where I shouldn’t be. I thought I was home free and then by dumb luck, I run into one of the two people I was trying to avoid for at least a few more hours—Emily.

  “Daddy! Oh, my goodness, what are you doing up so early and dressed for work?”

  “And good morning to you too,” I said and then she practically jumped into my arms for a hug. “I was trying to be quiet and not wake the house. I have a few meetings this morning before our family weekend begins and wanted to get a jump on it.” Liar! Let’s hope she buys it.

  “This is perfect. You go into the office and finish up what you have to do, and mom and I will be at the spa. We should be home after lunch and then Rogan should be here and we can all catch up.”

  “Sounds perfect, honey. I’ve missed you so much. Step back and let me take a look at you.” I smiled and couldn’t believe my little baby is this amazing woman standing before me.

  “Dad, you just saw me last month and you will probably be seeing a lot more of me now that I am joining mom’s practice, and Gus too!”

  “One big happy family,” I said, feeling like a selfish bastard for shutting my family out and behaving recklessly with my excessive drinking binge I did last night instead of coming home to my family.

  “You know it. Okay, I need a shower and you have to go. See you later!” a few air kisses and she was gone. If you had any balls, you would march yourself up to those steps and talk to your wife. I’ll call her once I get to the office and apologize. I gave Alison the day off knowing she was up to no good with my wife and daughter. I told Renee that I didn’t want a party but that’s exactly what she did behind my back.

  I stopped at a local Starbucks on my way into my office and grabbed a light breakfast. I knew the office would be quiet since it was a holiday weekend, but I never expected to see my father waiting for me and sitting behind my desk with his feet up.

  “Make yourself at home why don’t you?”

  “Oh, I have. I love this chair. Italian leather?”

  “I don’t know, Renee decorated my office.”

  “She has wonderful taste in furniture, too bad her judgment is off in husbands.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “What? Do you have a hearing problem? You mind telling me what in the fuck is going on with you?”

  “Stay out of it and if you don’t mind, will you please get out of my chair.”

  “No and no. Now, why did you spend half the night here in your office when you should have been home with your family? Secondly, this bottle was full when I left here yesterday.” My father held up the bottle of scotch that I had tossed in the wastebasket.

  “Dad, I’m just working out some stuff right now and I am not in the mood for a lecture.”

  “Too bad, you’re going to get one. Now, it’s no secret that my lovely daughter in law is throwing you a 50th birthday party tomorrow night at your home, and it’s also not a secret that you didn’t want one. The bigger question is, why not? It’s a party to celebrate you, and the best part is that you are going to be surrounded by people who love you and have been working really hard to make you smile again. What is the problem?”

  “If I tell you, you’re just going to be disappointed and hurting you is the last thing I want to do.”

  “But hurting your wife is okay?”

  “I didn’t say that, dammit, you’re twisting my words.”

  “Renee loves you so much and you going off without returning her calls just disappoints me and hurts her deeply. I know you son. You would never deliberately shut your family out. What’s going on with you? And I want the truth.”

  “No, you don’t. You, Renee, and everyone in my life just want to hear what you want to hear. No one is listening to me and what I fucking want!”

  “I’m listening now, and I can probably guess one reason why you don’t feel like celebrating this year but something tells me there’s so much more to your bad mood than I realize. Will you talk to me, please? I want to help but I can’t unless you give me something to work with.”

  “You won’t understand.”

  “Try me.”

  “Dad, to the outside world, I am a man who has everything. A beautiful wife. Two amazing kids. A home and a successful running business.”

  “And? What’s the problem?”

  “I can’t breathe. I’m tired and I’m fifty years old and I look around to everything I’ve built and I’m just not sure if I want it anymore. And I know that makes me sound like a selfish sonofabitch but it’s the truth. I wake up every single day in this robotic life and most days are good because I know at least in my professional life I feel like I’m doing good work and giving back. It’s my personal life that’s a mess and here’s the big riddle, no one knows the wiser, just me because I’m afraid to tell Renee how I feel.”

  “Son, she’s your wife. What the hell is wrong with you? She loves you more than life itself and those kids? My grandkids? I couldn’t be prouder. You got damn lucky being as blessed as you’ve been. You have two grown children following in each of their parent’s footsteps because they idolize you both. Emily is just gorgeous, probably could have been a model but she chose to be book smart and wants to help people with their problems. And Rogan? You name it with him. He excelled in every sport he ever played in. A straight-A student which is rare considering all his time was spent out on the field, and don’t even get me started with all the girls chasing after him. But what does he decide to do with his life? Follow his father, get his hands dirty and make a god damn difference in this world, just like his great-grandfather before him.”

  “Yes, Lawson Douglas, you are a selfish asshole, not a sonofabitch because that would mean your mama, god rest her beautiful soul. You are all twisted up inside and it’s going to dismantle you if you let it. I’m not going to sugar coat it for you, grief sucks but there comes a time you need to not get over it because I would never ask you to do that.”

  “Good, because I am nowhere near ready to forget mama.”

  “No one asked you to. And by the way, you look like shit. Get your head out of your ass and man the fuck up. Yes, losing your mother hurt us all, no more than me, but life goes on and she would want all of us to do that. I still have a lot of living to do and I plan on enjoying it. You are too old for me to worry about. Get your shit together and go home to your family.”

  “What if it’s not what I want anymore? What then?”

  “Then? You are a damn fool and the house that Lawson Douglas built is going to burn up in flames all around you and all that will be left is a big pile of ash. Don’t be that man. Happy Birthday, son.”

  “Dad, please don’t go.”

  “I’ve said my peace. I’ll see you at your party, that’s if you’re decent enough to show up.”

  After my father told my ass off in his usual colorful manner, I called my wife and apologized for my assholery behavior. Being the understanding person she is, graciously accepted my apology and told me she loved me.

  She didn’t come clean about the party and talked right over me. I decided to just give in and not be the asshole my father accused me of earlier and suck it up. Some would say I should be thankful they care at all but I didn’t see it that way. I didn’t want a party and it should have been respected but parties are never really for the intended. They are meant for the people throwing it and the invited. You want to show them your best and give them your best. I’m just the reason they all came together.

  I punched the code to open the gates to our property and as they slowly opened, my stomach
felt knotted inside. I wonder where all the cars were parked. I almost expected to see a valet service at the top of the driveway but knowing Renee, she had all her bases covered and stay true to form with making this the big surprise she wanted for me.

  I climbed the seven steps to our big open porch where I used to sit to watch the kids play. I loved those times and then the other times just sitting out here with Renee watching a storm come through on a hot summer night. We don’t do that anymore.

  My hand touched the doorknob and I exhaled a deep breath before turning it and stepping inside. Once I crossed the threshold, I was greeted with a boom of applause and the happy cheers of my family and friends wishing me a happy birthday. I played my part although I felt the urging feeling to flee as fast as my legs would take me. My eyes roamed around the room to find Renee smiling and then she simply shrugged and winked, sending me the clear message that although I said no to a party, she went ahead and did it anyway. The next person I saw was my father. He stood tall with a drink in hand but glared at me with his icy eyes. Yeah, he was still angry at me for being an ass.

  Before I could speak, our Emily ran over to me and practically leaped into my arms. “Happy Birthday, Daddy! Are you surprised?” she happily asked.

  “Yes, I am surprised,” I said and then lovingly kissed her cheek.

  “Liar! Oh, Daddy, you are so cute. Don’t be mad. I helped plan with mom and all we want is to make you happy. So act like it, okay?”

  It hurt me to ever disappoint my daughter. Her eyes were practically sparkling. She looked so happy and just wanted me to feel the same way. “I promise.”

  “Thank you. Now be good and go say hello to your guests. Rogan is running late but he has a very good reason, so don’t be too petulant when he does arrive.”

  “You spend too much time with your mother.” Knowing I was right, she stuck out her tongue and then made her way through the throngs of guests in our home. I said hello to our friends and then made my way over to my father who just placed his drink down to the bar.

  “Hi,” I greeted him.

  “Hello. I see you decided to grow back your balls and show up. It’s nice to know you haven’t completely lost the good sense God gave you.”

  “Gee, thank you for that warm sentiment. I’m here because it’s where I was expected to be. Don’t fool yourself into believing that I actually want to be here. It’s not a crime for not wanting a party. Just once, I wanted a little peace and quiet and again, not a crime.”

  “Fine! You’re right. Having said that you don’t always get to have your way. It’s something you signed on for when you married Renee and made a family with her. It’s called compromise and a lot of give and take. You see your daughter over there looking at you as if you are the only man in the room? Her hero. Her dad. Stop this bullshit already. It’s a party for crying out loud, not a funeral.” He finished off his drink and waved down the bartender.

  This was not the place for a scene. I turned toward my father and quietly said, “The fact that I’m here at all should be enough for you, so please spare me any more lectures. And just so we are clear, I know the difference between a party and a funeral. I’ve recently been to one.” Yup, I knew that did it because my father muttered under his breath and called me the exact word that fit my behavior—asshole. At least I was consistent. “Bartender, I’d like a double Knob Creek, neat.”

  “Right away sir.”

  I downed my drink after he stormed off and ordered another. I wanted to say leave the bottle but that would probably earn me a punch to my mouth, so the drink would have to do. I enjoyed the slow burn down my throat as it successfully chipped away at the tension I felt. I’m three for three in the asshole department fighting with my wife and two rounds with my father. I pushed the empty glass away and then my wife finally made her appearance at my side.

  “Happy Birthday, Lawson. I love you.” She wrapped her arms tightly around my shoulders.

  “Thank you, Renee.” She pulled back studying my face.

  “No love back? I guess you’re really mad.”

  “Sorry. I love you. I’m not sure I can say anything else to you right now without hurting your feelings.” I turned away and reached over the bar to grab the bourbon and poured myself another double. Her happy expression fell and I knew I was the cause of it.

  “Okay, Lawson, you’re angry with me, that much is clear since you’re hell bent on getting plastered tonight. I’m sorry I disrespected your wishes and threw this party for you, but can you do me a favor and try to enjoy it? Whether you believe it or not, this is a big deal and it means a lot to your children.”

  “Fine. I’ll comply.”

  “Thank you. Rogan has arrived and is waiting for you in your study. He wants a few minutes with you in private.”

  I said nothing more and walked through my house smiling all the way to my study. I felt my father’s eyes burning holes in my back as I passed him. Fuck! I entered the room and saw his back to me as our son was facing the huge built-in bookcase that housed hundreds of my books. A vast collection of favorite works of art from authors I have followed throughout the years. It was a great escape from stress and reading always cleared my mind.

  “Rogan, hi, it’s nice to see you son.” And I meant every word because it was the truth. I didn’t know how much I missed him until now.

  “Happy Birthday, it’s good to see you too.”

  I gave my son a long drawn out embrace taking my time since it’s been a while since he’s come home.

  “I have a present for you.”

  “You didn’t have to give me anything. You coming home is enough.”

  “Thank you for saying that but this is something that I believe is going to make you very happy. A gift you’ve been wanting for a while.”

  “You certainly have me curious. Okay, let me have it.”

  He handed me a gift-wrapped box with a perfectly tied bow gracing the top. I slowly unwrapped my gift and peeled back the multi-layers of tissue paper. Inside was a leather book of some sort. My eyes didn’t catch the gold embossed writing on top until I took a second glance. My eyes became glazed over with so much pride and adoration for my son because now I knew what this gift was.

  “You did it. You really did it.”

  “I don’t know, you tell me.” He winked.

  I opened up the book and there was a smooth blank paper covering what I would see next. It was my son’s degree of completion for his master’s in environmental engineering and ecology. “Come here, son,” he walked back into my arms and all I could do was to hug him. “I am so proud of you.”

  “Thank you, sir. If you’ll have me, I would like to officially join Douglas ECO Systems and work side by side with my father, a man who I look up to and admire so much. You and grandpa have literally given me all the knowledge that no textbook could ever do, and although it took me some time to get my degree, I now have it and want to put it to good use beginning with the land we just acquired back. It’s going to need a lot of testing and care to reach a level before we even can begin to think about installing new water systems. It’s been neglected and polluted by industry for too long now and with me and the team I have already in place, I know I can restore it back to as it should be.”

  “Rogan, you don’t have to sell me on the sales pitch, I know how hard you’ve worked in school and the love and passion you have for the farmers in need of our help. I would like nothing more than to have you join me.”

  “I’m sensing a but in there somewhere. Dad, right what you are holding is what you said you wanted. I’ve done my part and now it’s time for you to do yours. I’ll start on Monday.”

  “Rogan, for the past two days all I have heard are reminders of my promises and commitments that everyone seems to enjoy holding me to. I have no room to fucking breathe and all I want is to do that and take a moment to catch my breath. Yes, you earning this magnificent degree has made me immensely proud and so honored that I am your father. I am not going b
ack on my word; it never crossed my mind. I just need a minute here and then once I’m back in the office, I will work out a plan that will best suit you.”

  “Okay, fine. Let me be clear before you make any decisions. I mean no disrespect here, but my place is not behind a desk. If that’s the plan you want for me than I respectfully decline your offer. My place is out there working that land, making it better for our local farmers, and preserving it for future generations. My choice is you but if you can’t give me what I want then I have to choose my backup plan and move forward.”

  “Wow! How did giving me an amazing birthday gift go from elation to demands? I mean, seriously, Rogan? Did you practice that speech all the way over here?”

  “No, I just always have to be prepared when it comes to you. You say one thing and then do the other. I had to cover my bases and be ready.”

  “Fine. If you want an answer right now, I don’t have one for you. Congratulations Rogan, I wish you well.” I slammed the box down to my desk and walked out of my office.

  “Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?” Renee called out as she tried to catch up to me. “Lawson, why don’t you look happy? I thought talking to Rogan would put you over the moon.”

  “Dammit, Renee, I was happy and so proud of him, but now I’m not and I am going to go back to my birthday party you so perfectly put together for me. Isn’t that what you want me to do?”

  “Lawson, I don’t know what has you in this foul mood, but this is neither the time or place to have this meltdown. Please calm yourself.”

  “Spoken like the true therapist you are.”

  “Lawson, what has gotten into you?”

  “You know, I’m not sure but seeing how you always have the answers, figure it out and let me know. I have a bottle of Bourbon with my name on it.”

  PRESENT…

  Renee

  Okay, just breathe and remain calm. He’s having a moment and I will allow him to cool off before we sing Happy Birthday to him. I let out a few breaths and then Rogan stepped out from his father’s study and looking like someone just kicked him hard in the shin.