Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  “I gave you every part of me since I was sixteen years old, and before you remind me, I know exactly how old I am but the only difference is I am not that lovesick teenager that fell at your feet. I’m strong, and to lose you will hurt me, but it will not break me. You remember that.”

  I said nothing more and moved aside so he could walk into our bedroom and pack his things. It only took him a little over an hour to change and dress in fresh clothes, pack his bag, and walk out the door. I watched from the window as he drove down the driveway not really believing he would actually do it. I thought he would stay and fight with me no matter what I said to him. He actually left. Who knows? Maybe it was forever. I picked up his empty glass and continued what he started numbing all the pain I was feeling.

  “Mom! I know it’s a Saturday, but seriously sleeping to noon is just crazy. Mom, are you okay?” I rolled over from the mounds of pillows I was buried under. I tried to hide the crumpled tissues scattered all around but Emily found them and there was no way to hide my swollen eyes.

  “Mom, talk to me. What’s wrong with you?” she asked and then climbed into bed with me like she used to do when she was little.

  “I’m fine and I don’t want you to worry about me.”

  “Yeah, like that’s going to happen. Where’s Daddy?”

  “He left.”

  “To go where? When is he coming back?”

  “I don’t know, maybe not ever.” I could hear the panic in her voice and this is not the way I wanted to tell her but the words were out of my mouth before my brain had time to catch up. “Listen, Emily, last night was an emotional one for your father and for me. What I believed would be a simple conversation shifted to a more serious one. I was completely thrown and he left. I’ve been here since then and I guess I finally crashed until you woke me up.”

  “I guess it’s my turn to be thrown here. Mom, he just left with no promise of return? What the hell is going on here? We come home for the weekend to celebrate our father’s birthday and he leaves in the middle of the night?”

  “Hey, what’s going on?” Rogan asked as he entered my room with a cup of coffee in hand.

  “Mom? Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

  “Emily, that’s enough.”

  “No, I think we are just getting started here.”

  “Will someone please tell me what in the hell is going on here?”

  “Dad left mom.”

  “What the fuck!” Rogan shouted out.

  My head felt like it was about to split wide open and the funny part of it all, I didn’t have no more than one glass of champagne last night at the party. No, that’s not right, and then my memory was coming back to me. I finished off the bourbon. Ugh! I feel sick and that’s not even from the amount of alcohol I consumed after my husband walked out on me. This is not your a-typical reaction to drinking excessively. This is so much worse. This is a marriage hangover.

  “I know you two must have a lot of questions, but as of right now I do not have any answers for you. Dad leaving last night was because I asked him to, but not before he asked me for a divorce.”

  “No! I can’t believe this is happening,” Emily began to cry with her big brother already comforting her. “I need to call him mom, he’s got to be freaking out or something. This is just crazy.”

  “Yeah, I agree with you there but I don’t know where he is at the moment and to be honest, I really don’t care. I know you two are already playing it out on how this is going to go but you don’t need to.”

  I kicked the covers off and got out of our bed. Although I hated to, somehow, I found myself sleeping on his side of the bed. He should be here with me. As angry as I am with him, I fucking hate that he actually did leave. Where was the Lawson that would never go to bed angry or dare to even sleep on the couch? He never gave me my space, not one inch to breathe. We promised to always talk it out and resolve any issue we might have had. I tried to do that last night but he accused me of head shrinking him. I believed I had enough justification for my reaction since he totally blindsided me with his divorce declaration.

  “Is he having an affair?” Rogan asked. Oh, my god! The thought of Lawson cheating on me never once crossed my mind. No, he would never do that to me.

  “I don’t know. I need a shower. Let me get ready and we will go to brunch.”

  My children must think I am totally out of my mind to suggest something as simple as brunch, but I have to eat, right? And a few mimosas sound great right now. I sat down and in front of my vanity mirror and wondered about the woman staring back at me. Have I changed so much that I’ve turned a blind eye to my husband’s needs? I know I’m career driven and focused on too many things that pull my attention away from him, but divorce? That’s not the solution.

  “You love Lawson. I love Lawson. And I know he loves me too.” I can’t give up on him. Last night was me going into survival mode to protect my heart. I was the same way when he left for his deployment. I prepared myself for the worse just in case he didn’t come home. When he did and walked off the plane and right into my arms, all those fears washed away in an instant.

  I was wrapped up in the protection of his loving arms, the ones I wanted to hold me right now and tell me everything is going to be okay.

  My phone beeped with an incoming text. It was from Lawson telling me he was in the city staying at our apartment we kept there. It was more of an investment property we just held onto all these years, and now it’s his escape. I texted him back with a simple reply and then went in search of our kids. This was all that I was capable of right now.

  PAST…

  Lawson

  “Are we really doing this? Getting married on Halloween?”

  “That was our deal, Lawson. When you got word to me that you were coming home earlier than expected, I knew it was a sign of awesomeness and we had to go all out on Halloween. I love Elvis and all but we can save him for a special anniversary.”

  “Okay, Renee, Halloween it is. Have you told your parents yet?”

  “Yup! And surprisingly my father gave me a hug and told me that he’s been expecting our news for a while now and he’s happy for us.”

  “No shit? You’re not kidding?”

  “I wouldn’t do that to you. I can’t wait to marry you, Lawson Douglas. So the big question is, what are you going to wear?”

  I pulled my girl on top of my lap and hugged her with everything I had. She kissed me all over. “Renee, I love you so much. I can’t believe we are free to get married and begin our life together. I’m sorry I missed your graduation but thank you for the photos. They kept me warm at night until I was able to come home. Renee, the day my sergeant told me my unit was being sent home early was the greatest day of my life next to you telling me you loved me. I got word to my parents and then to you. After that, it was just a blur until I could leave. It didn’t take long to pack up my gear and then in the weeks that followed I was just in robotic mode until I boarded the plane.”

  “You were so excited when you picked me up. I thought you were going to plow through the crowd to get to me.”

  “I almost did. Thank you for keeping your promise, Lawson.”

  “Thank you for keeping yours.”

  “Mine?”

  “Yeah, your promise. A promise to wait for me until I came home to make you mine. Baby, that day is here and now. Will you come home with me?”

  “Yes, I will. You are my home, Lawson, and I don’t want to spend one more night without you beside me.”

  PRESENT…

  Two days later and radio silence from Renee, or the kids. Emily has to be an emotional mess with me leaving so unexpectedly. She’s always been my baby girl but I guess if she had to choose sides, she would console her mother before me. What I am surprised about is Rogan, I would have thought he would have at least called me.

  “Happy Monday, yes, I know you are not a fan of it but we need to go over this week’s schedule. Ty and Paul are back from surveying the land an
d with all the paperwork now filed and approved, we should expect the deeds to come in by the end of the week. Sir, are you listening to me?” No, I wasn’t. I just needed some peace and quiet so I could think for a damn minute.

  “Will you please get out of my office? Hold my calls and close the door behind you.”

  “Yes, sir.” She practically ran for the door.

  Any other day I could handle Alison and her energetic pace but not today. I don’t know why I even came in today. I half expected my father to bust down my door at any minute but even he was silent. I held my face in my hands and deeply sighed. I was about to call my assistant when my line buzzed.

  “I thought I told you to hold my calls!” I shouted back in anger. Fuck! This is not her fault.

  “Sir, your wife is on line two.” I didn’t even respond in return. I just hit the line to speak with my wife.

  “Renee,” I could barely get out.

  “I need to see you. Will you come by my office, say at 7?”

  “I can be there.”

  “See you then.”

  It felt as if my stomach dropped and I was going to be sick. She sounded calm and direct while I was the one here falling apart. I canceled the rest of my day and told Alison to reschedule any meetings for tomorrow. Sitting here in my office all day would do me no good. My mind was focused elsewhere.

  As I closed my office door, my assistant popped her head up from behind her desktop. Wide-eyed, I think she was surprised that I was leaving. “Alison, I’m leaving now. Here are my notes for Ty, and everything else is uploaded to the drive.”

  “Um, okay, will you be returning back to the office tonight?”

  “No. Anything else you need to know on my personal life?” I snapped at her.

  She gasped in surprise and simply nodded in silence. I walked off in a huff and hit the elevator button. When the doors opened and I stepped inside the elevator car, I hit the ground level button and looked up to see Alison had her head carefully hidden behind her large screen monitor. Yeah, I’m a dick and took out my shitty mood out on her. I silently thought. I had so much anger thrumming through my veins I knew I needed to do something to burn it off before seeing Renee. I went back to the apartment and changed into running clothes. I ran all throughout the city until my legs tired and I needed a break. I gave my body a deep stretch along the runner’s trail I had stopped on.

  What the hell am I going to say to Renee? I don’t have a fucking clue but I better get myself back home to get ready.

  I parked my car and made my way through the main entrance of the building that was home to Renee’s wellness center. It was seven o’clock and I was right on time to meet my wife. I was nervous to the point of my hands were sweating. I’m never nervous and it’s rare to show my hand but this was Renee, so all bets were off.

  Renee, my wife, my best friend, mother to my children, and the one I have loved since I was eighteen years old. So why did I ask her for a divorce? Monumental mistake on my part and one that I know hurt her deeply. I don’t know if she will forgive me? If the roles were reversed I don’t know what I would have done. I probably would have punched a wall and ask questions later. She was mine even before I made her mine. From the moment I saw her, I knew she was the one.

  I’ve been driving myself insane since Renee asked me to leave. We always shared a bed. To be without her for the last few nights has made me restless and cold, no warmth around me. I feel sick. I should have never said those words to her. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I felt backed into a corner when she pressed me for answers. No matter what the circumstance, I should have never gone to that extreme. And now we are in an unfamiliar place and I have no clue to what she will say to me.

  I approached the front desk and the security officer recognized me immediately and greeted me warmly.

  “Mr. Douglas, how nice to see you again. It’s been a while.”

  “Hi Joe, yeah, I guess it has. How have you been? Family good?”

  “Thank you for asking. Everyone is well and happy, and I have no reason to complain.”

  At least someone is. I sighed and kept my thoughts to myself. “Nice seeing you,” I said not wanting to offer anything more.

  “Take care, sir,” he said to my back as I decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator. My run has already been forgotten because my nerves are back. Once I reached her double doors, I didn’t know what to do. Should I knock and walk in? Or should I call her to let her know I’m here? She probably knows because I’m sure Joe has already called up to her. Before I could stress another minute, the door opened and Renee was standing on the other side of it. She looked beautiful today and certainly didn’t look as if she’s been pining away for me.

  “Thank you for being on time, please come in.” She opened the door wide enough for me to enter her office and once I was far enough in, she closed the door behind her with not a slam but loud enough to catch my attention.

  “Have a seat,” said Renee, as she pointed to her sofa. I shrugged my jacket off and placed it off to the side. She offered me a drink that I declined and she took her seat in front of me. This is where she switched roles from my wife to therapist. I hated this role and the anxiety I felt earlier has now faded away and it slowly morphed into anger again. I wanted to talk to my wife, and not a therapist whose job was to analyze the fuck out of me and get to the root of my problem. Maybe this was the problem and being here with Renee in this office has just made me realize why I said the words I did.

  PRESENT…

  Renee

  By the time the shock wore off from telling the kids about Lawson, our scheduled brunch was now an early dinner. I didn’t care as long as I could order a drink, and not just one. I think I needed something stronger than a mimosa. As I finished off my second Cosmo, I looked over to Rogan who was uncharacteristically quiet.

  “You know you can talk to me, right?” I said tapping on the glass with my silverware to get his attention. Emily was doing no better but at least she was trying.

  “What do you want me to say here, mom? My father has left you and I’m just, no we are supposed to just be okay with it and roll with the punches? Fuck that! He owes us an explanation and instead of sitting here playing happy family, we should find him and drag his ass back home. It’s where he belongs.” I let out an exasperated breath before addressing the issue with Rogan and Emily.

  I linked my hands together and leaned on my elbows as I took a deep breath and addressed our son’s anger and hostility. “Rogan, first of all, he was my husband long before he was your father. I know him better than anyone. Before you go conjuring up theories about why he left, just ask me and I will tell you.”

  “You already told us that it’s not another woman? So, what is it? Midlife crisis? Um, he’s fifty, get over it.”

  “Rogan!” Emily shrieked causing the fellow patrons to look in our direction.

  “What? Am I wrong? Come on sis, you’re not a little kid anymore and neither am I. This is not something dad has just thought of. He must have been going through something for a while now and hiding it from his family when he should have been talking to us. Isn’t that what you taught us, mom? You have stressed over and over how important communication is in a family.”

  “True, but parents like to use that to our benefit. In our case, we’ve been lucky to have the relationships we have with both of you and please do not rush to judgment and jeopardize what you share with your father until I speak with him. Your father loves you with everything he has in him and although you are angry, this is really between your father and me.”

  “Mom?”

  “Yes, baby girl.”

  “Will you call him? I hate that he’s not home.”

  “I will call but not today. I want today for us. Tomorrow will be for your father.”

  Rogan and Emily both left their seats at the table and hugged me protectively already drawing lines in the sand on the side they were on. I didn’t want them to do that but I said nothing a
nd just returned the love while promising myself that whatever was going on with Lawson, would not destroy the family we built.

  It was Monday, and you know what they say about Monday’s right? It’s probably voted the most hated day out of the week and most of us wish we could have just stayed home in our warm beds and not face the new week, especially me. I know I wish I could have been anywhere but here but I’m not about hiding and living in denial of my problems. After I phoned Lawson and asked him to meet me here tonight once my workday was done, I knew there would be no turning back. I was sullen and to the point. I didn’t want to be but after the kids had left to return to their exciting and happy lives, I was left alone in our big house with no one to talk to.

  I caught up on some work and did more dictation for Jeanie to transcribe than I have done in the last six months. What could I say? I had a lot of time on my hands. Our home always filled with light and laughter was now dark and quiet. Roman had called to check up on me but I assured him I was fine and would catch up with him soon. My relationship with his son is mine and although he is a wonderful father in law, he tends to be on my side more than his son’s and I never agreed with his tough approach. It only angered Lawson and pushed him away which was not fair to him.

  Lawson loves his father. They disagree on a lot of subjects but at the end of the day they are father and son and whatever happens between us, I don’t want any of our relationships affected by it. Yeah, says the therapist that would undoubtedly argue my naïve way of thinking but this is not about one of my patients. This is my life with my husband and I have to follow my heart no matter how many times the boss bitch of my natural instinct is telling me otherwise. Again, protective mode. This is why I asked him to leave. I was hurt so deeply when he said those words to me.