Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  I’ve taken the time to think about all that happened at the party and what was said thereafter. When he gets here, I’m going to just sit him down and ask him straight up what in the hell is going on with him? I may not like the answers but knowing that will not dissuade me from my questions.

  “Renee, Joe just sent Lawson up. He should be here any minute.”

  “Yes, I know. He texted me that he had arrived. Thanks, Jeanie, you can go home.”

  “Are you going to be alright? I can stay and just do work.”

  “No, that won’t be necessary. I asked Lawson to join me here because I felt this was my safe zone to keep myself in check. There are things to say and it has to be in private.”

  “I understand. You know I’m talking to you as my friend and not my employer.”

  “Yes, I know the difference and I appreciate it.” The sound of the bell alerted us that Lawson was out in reception. “Will you please get him settled and I will be right out.”

  “Sure thing. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

  “I will,” I said knowing I wouldn’t. Her heart is in the right place but this is on me and whatever happens, after he walks through my door.

  I walked into my private en-suite and fixed my hair while touching up my makeup. I never wore too much but today I want my look to be killer and my five-inch stilettos helped my bruised ego a great deal. After I was satisfied with my smoky eye and perfect lip liner application, I gave myself another pep talk.

  “Stay strong. Don’t cry. Listen and don’t interrupt him. Renee, you need to allow him to have his voice in your marriage.”

  Okay, I was polished enough and walked out to greet Lawson. When I opened the door, he looked apprehensive and maybe a little regretful. His eyes found mine but not before taking in my appearance. Yes, he knew I cleaned up nicely when I went for something better than yoga pants, but the way he was looking at me now made me angry for some reason. Why couldn’t he have looked at me this way on the night of his party? And I had a spa day getting primped and plucked for half the day just to please him and holy hell! I went to bed without a damn orgasm.

  “Have a seat,” I said gesturing over to the sofa while I took the chair placed in front of it. He didn’t look happy with my cold greeting and shrugged his jacket off and took his seat. He loosened his tie and looked so restless I thought he was ready to spit nails.

  “Care for a drink?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Thank you for coming,” I said.

  “Thank you for calling,” he politely replied.

  “Tell me something, Renee, is there a reason why you are dressed like that?” he pointed at me with his index finger and once again staring at me from the top of my head down to my shoes.

  I looked myself over and found nothing wrong with my chosen attire. And then a smile crept over my lips knowing what Lawson was probably thinking. I was dressed up because I was proving a point because of what I said to him on the night he left. I would be fine and no matter what happens between us, I will not break. Yeah, again, boss bitch protective mode. Who was I kidding? Because I certainly was not fooling myself. If Lawson divorced me and left our marriage, I know there would be a part of me that would have to move forward because it wouldn’t be an option to fall apart. The other truth is I would be shattered because the man whom I have loved since I was sixteen years old has just moved on without me and broke every promise he ever made to me.

  Yes, this is why I’ve retreated back to protective mode. He’s not making it easy on account of how he is looking at me right now. If I didn’t know any better, Lawson almost looked aroused which made me secretly happy inside. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of feeling uncomfortable around him. No way in hell. This is the first time I have actually felt better since he left. I loved when he got this way which usually led to great sex. Keep on looking. Maybe you should have appreciated what you had before you so easily let it go.

  PAST…

  After our parents collectively picked up their jaws from the floor, we all laughed and began planning our Halloween themed wedding. Lawson didn’t want to wait one more day than he had to. It was a long deployment and even a longer time to officially process out and begin the next chapter of our lives.

  We married on the Douglas property. They had a massively sized barn that was transformed into a castle fit for a queen and a king. The inside was designed into a fairy tale theme wonderland. And why not a wedding with a magical theme? After all, I was marrying my prince, so it just made sense to be a Cinderella bride with the matching diamond tiara to complete my look. Our families were great and my father was in seventh heaven because at the end of the day, he just wanted me happy and I was. I was marrying Lawson Douglas and I couldn’t wait to be his wife.

  PRESENT…

  “Renee, did you hear me? I asked you a question.”

  “What?” I responded.

  “Why do you look the way you do?”

  “And how do I look, Lawson?” I said as I straightened my posture and looked directly at him.

  “You look beautiful but that’s not the point. Tonight, you look as if you tried extra hard to make me notice you which pisses me the fuck off.”

  “Why is that? You are unbelievable, Lawson Douglas!” I shouted and now up on my feet.

  “No, you are! I get it, Renee, you are equally mad at me and this is your way of telling me to fuck off, right? I have news for you sweetheart, you never have to try because I see you every single day and I never asked you to play a role for me. I just wanted you.”

  “What does that even mean? I don’t understand you at all. Just because I don’t look like a damn train wreck doesn’t mean I don’t feel like one. You hurt me, Lawson, probably more than you ever have in your life. You asked me for a divorce without any warning whatsoever. You’re angry because of my choice of clothing? A weapon of choice I am using to get back at you? Oh, that’s rich but please don’t flatter yourself. Once upon a time and long before you said those words to me, yes, I would have worn this for you. To make your heart race a little faster, or your dick tent a little tighter against your zipper. I know I’m not a supermodel by any means and we can’t turn back time, but as hard as I work to keep up with you, I deserve to wear whatever the fuck I want.”

  “To keep up with me?”

  “Yes, you! Have you seen yourself lately? Do you ever age at all? This right here?” I gestured to my ensemble and then to my hair. “Takes work but I don’t care because I love the end result.”

  “As do I,” he whispered.

  “Hmmm, well it’s a little too late now, isn’t it, Lawson?”

  “It doesn’t have to be, Renee. I know I’m doing this all wrong and that’s on me, but please let’s talk.”

  “Change your mind on that drink?”

  “Yeah, I think I’ll take it now.”

  “Coming right up.” I filled two crystal tumblers with scotch for Lawson and a double Bourbon for me. Screw it! These shots of liquid courage will hopefully help me get through this conversation. “Here you go,” I handed over his glass and he simply nodded.

  I got comfortable on the couch opting not to resume my place in the chair. Why the hell not? This couch is awesome and I would never tell Lawson but I’m about a minute away from chucking my shoes and demanding a foot rub from my confused husband.

  “Renee, I’m sorry for hurting you. I know I hurt you deeply and I will regret my actions for the rest of my life. I know you want answers and you deserve to hear them but baby, I don’t know myself. The man I know I am would have never ever said those words to you the other night, least of all think them. I felt as if I was—”

  “You don’t recall? Let me refresh your memory. You said that you felt as if you were standing in quicksand and you were slowly sinking. Is that how you feel about our marriage, Lawson? It’s an invisible weight tied around your ankles and you feel stuck so instead of fighting you decide to just give up and sink until you are
so far under the surface that no matter what I say or do, I can’t bring you back. Am I close?”

  “Baby, please”

  “Don’t call me baby! You lost that right on that night you asked me for a divorce.” My hands began to shake and my tears were unstoppable now. I placed the glass on the table and got up from the couch and away from my husband. I couldn’t concentrate while I was so close to him and a few whiffs of his cologne and I was forgetting why I was so angry. He was by my side in a heartbeat with his hands on my hips and his warm breath on my neck.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, baby.” He began kissing me on my neck and I leaned into him like I’ve done thousands of times before. Lawson’s touch on my body made me come alive and feel so desired and wanted. I know I should be pulling away but I want him and I know he wants me. I don’t understand him, and I’m too emotionally drained to figure it out. He turned me around and kissed me hard on my mouth begging for entrance to claim even the smallest piece of me.

  PRESENT…

  Lawson

  This was sheer madness what I was doing here right now with Renee. Knowing her as much as I do, she’s got to be spinning out of control with all the mixed signals I’ve been giving her but I don’t care. I have to have her and I will take my wife anyway I can get her.

  Renee is everything. She’s so compassionate with her patients and devotes all her energy to helping them. This is one of the many reasons why our daughter followed in her footsteps and chose the same career to help people find their way. I was the one that was lost and I never allowed her to help me, and I’ve hurt her over and over again with my silence and now because I’m a selfish asshole, I’ll do it again by taking her body.

  When I pulled away from her mouth, I turned her again and shoved her down over her plush chair. Her face was pressed into the leather with her long legs spread and positioned high on the sexy as fuck shoes. She began to move against my body with my hard erection pressing into her backside. I’ve taken her there in the past and although it wasn’t often, it was the most erotic sensation we ever felt together making love and experiencing the high it brought to the both of us. I wouldn’t do that tonight and if I was a better man, I should walk away right now and ice my balls because it’s what I deserve for hurting her.

  “Lawson, what are you doing?” she rasped out in frustration. I didn’t answer her, and I wasn’t gentle about what I did next. I pulled her tight pencil skirt up and ripped her thong that was practically dental floss. Why bother with such a skimpy scrap of material? I ran my hands up her legs feeling the silk under my fingertips. She bucked against me again and I think I heard her curse under her breath to get inside of her. Sassy little thing, I thought and before I could question it, I did just that. I thrust my hard dick inside of her making her jump before my entire body was cloaking hers and holding her hands down.

  “This is going to be rough baby, tell me to stop if it becomes too much.”

  “Fuck you, Lawson!” she cried out as I entered her again and again.

  “Oh, fuck, Renee, give it to me,” I shouted the fucking walls down and came harder than I ever did in my life. Renee was clawing the hell out of her Italian leather and joined me in the best fucking orgasm of my life.

  “Lawson,” she mumbled into the chair. “You need to get off.”

  “I just did sweetheart. Give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready to go again.” I stumbled back on my feet just a little to regain the strength in my legs. Fuck! That was hot. Renee slowly got up from the chair and made her way into her private bath to clean up. I saw my release slide down her sexy thighs and it took everything I had not to pounce on her again.

  I grabbed a towel off the bar and cleaned up the best I could without showering. Once I was put back together, I grabbed my glass and refilled it with a double serving of scotch. I paced her office and waited for her to come out. After a few minutes of silence, I tapped my knuckles against the door calling out for her. When she didn’t answer, I turned the knob to find Renee curled into a ball on the floor silently crying into a towel.

  “Oh, baby, I’m sorry. What are you doing?”

  “You say that a lot, don’t you?”

  “What?” I said as I pulled her off the floor and into my arms. She fought my hold and tried to get up.

  “Stop this and talk to me?”

  “No, I think the time for talking has long passed, don’t you think? I was crying because I feel like I am mourning a life that has been ripped out from under me and I don’t know how to get it back. You hurt me in a way I never believed a single person could. Lawson, all these years I have placed you on this high pedestal, a pillar of perfection if you want to call it that. You have been larger than life for so many years, I had no idea that you were knocked down a few pegs. I blame myself for not seeing it sooner.”

  “Renee, I’m not perfect and I never claimed to be.”

  “You didn’t have to, I did it for you.”

  “Look, we did this all wrong tonight. Let me take you to dinner and we can talk.”

  “No, I don’t think so. I need to get home and be by myself for a while. And you, well, I don’t know what’s next for you and I can’t be the one to help you. Lawson, you have taken the first steps to the next path in your life and I don’t know if there’s room for me or your children.”

  “That’s not true, Renee, and everything you are saying here right now is just you flipping the switch into what? Protective mode? Survival? Because you don’t want me to break you? I have news for you sweetheart, I’m already there because I fucked up monumentally with you the other night and I have no idea how to fix my mistake. I’m not deluded into thinking all our problems will get resolved tonight. If you believe that was my intention when I came here tonight, then you are wrong. I just wanted to be able to talk and try to explain even in the smallest measures of the colossal error in judgment I made.”

  “Monumental, colossal, two words that mean the same but best describes us right now down to the very core of our marriage. The point of it is, is that you said four words to me that changed my entire life once I heard them. You are a completely different person to me now and I don’t know how I feel about that and I have no time frame when I will.”

  “Renee, what we just shared, I”

  “Don’t do that. You don’t get to use my actions against me. While I still hold the title as your wife, I exercised my right and fucked my husband. Don’t make it anything else than what it really was.”

  “Don’t sugarcoat it, sweetheart, tell me how you really feel.”

  “I just did, and now I want you to leave.”

  “Renee, please, we haven’t settled anything between us.”

  “No, we haven’t and we are not going to either. You need to call your children and talk to them. They are hurt and confused by their father’s actions and I can’t play the mediator here, it’s your turn to figure it out.”

  “Fuck!” I shouted and then took my glass and shattered it against her office wall. My girl was tough and wasn’t even fazed by it, maybe she expected it. “Why are you doing this to me? Please don’t let me walk out of here feeling more lost than ever. I need you.”

  “Hmmm, now my skills are needed? You hate when I head shrink you. Isn’t that what you always accuse me of doing? You told me so on the night of your birthday. Hell, if I could read your mind, you probably thought that’s how this night was going to go. Sorry to burst your bubble but I have no fucking clue on how to fix us. Now get the hell out of my office and leave me alone.”

  “This is not over.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yeah, it’s the one thing I do fucking know.” I rushed over to her and held her face in my hands crushing my mouth down to hers, making her feel something.

  “Fuck what I said. We will never be over.” I kissed her again and again and then held the sides of her head to make her look at me. She held on to her convictions and made no moves of softening her anger. I get it and t
otally deserve it. I placed one more kiss on her forehead and then grabbed my coat and left her office.

  After leaving Renee at her office and alone, I went back to our city apartment and drank until I passed out. I wanted to feel nothing but only remember how she felt beneath me as I fucked her hard. Damn, it was hot but now I feel like shit because I never used her like that. We always had a hot sex life but it was a mutual give and take. I feel that I took tonight and she just had to take it even though she didn’t word it that way to me. She was bold and sassy and right in my face. Fuck! I loved that side of her. It’s been a long time since she challenged me like that and if I was being honest, I loved it and wanted more of it but that wasn’t going to happen again until we talk for real.

  When I woke up the next morning, I had the hangover from hell and called my assistant to send the necessary rations I would need to recover from last night’s drinking session. I’m too old to punish my liver like that and drinking gets you nowhere but a fucking headache and emptiness in the pit of your stomach. The messenger delivered a bag of food and a bottle of hair of the dog. I downed the disgusting elixir and dragged my tired ass in the shower where my dick was standing attention and needed a release. It didn’t take long to accomplish that and after I came, the pounding just increased in my head for all the distress I had created.

  The loud pounding continued and once I shut the water off, I realized it wasn’t just my head. Someone was at the door and not going away. For a moment, I believed it might be Renee, but she would never knock, not when she had a key. I grabbed a towel off the warming rack and wrapped it around my waist.

  “I’m coming, hold on,” I shouted and then opened the door to find Rogan on the other side of it. I stepped aside and let him in. Both of us not knowing what to say to the other. I stood there for a minute and then closed the door. “I was going to call you today, but as you can see I kind of had a late night.” He looked around to the mess that was scattered on the table and he didn’t miss the empty bottle of scotch. He picked up the bottle and studied it for a minute before tossing it into the trash can.