Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  Better than ever? What does that mean? “Well, good. I have to run honey. Thanks for the files.” I had to get off the phone before I cry.

  “Mom, it’s going to be alright. You and daddy are going to make it. This has just been a bump in the road. Now go rock the rest of the conference so you can come home to us. Gus misses you. He said he needs his partner in crime for the rest of the wedding plans to be finalized.”

  “Sounds good. Give him my love, and Rogan too. I’ll be home soon.”

  “Any messages for daddy?”

  “No, I think I will wait until I see him in person to tell him what I have to say.”

  I was about to get back to working on my speech but all my thoughts went to Lawson. What if I call him and ask him to meet me here in New York? Or I could call Alison and ask for his schedule, maybe I could plan a surprise for him? In any case, he’s been doing wonderful things for me all these years. I’ll think about it once tonight is over and I can have a minute to think. I know it’s crazy in a city that never sleeps but for some reason, I can relax here. After revising my speech, no, totally re-writing it, I was way past the point of starving. I had called ahead for room service and as I approached my room, I saw a waiter exiting with an empty cart.

  “Hi, Dr. Douglas, everything has been set up on the dining room table. If you need anything else, just call down.”

  “Thank you, I will.”

  “Wow, Dr. Douglas, you look amazing. I love your suit, Chanel, right?”

  “Yes, Jacque, it is.”

  “I knew it, I know my power suits.”

  “Jacque, may I say something to you?”

  “Um, yeah, anything.”

  “In my time I’ve been here, you have been most accommodating. You have gone way beyond the job description of host and I just wanted to say thank you. The foundation should be honored to have you on staff.”

  “Oh, thank you, Dr. Douglas, you just made my night.”

  “Okay, let’s go mingle and then I have a speech to give.” Ninety minutes later of a lot of talks, it was time to deliver my speech. I glanced down at my phone and saw no messages, at least none I wanted. I stepped aside to a quiet corner and called Lawson. His phone must be off, so I left a message.

  “Hi, it’s me. I’m still in New York and it’s the last night of the conference. I’m actually getting ready to deliver my speech and you’ll never guess what they’ve asked me to talk about. I’ll keep you guessing until I can tell you in person. Um, Lawson, do you remember the question you asked me before I left for my trip? Well, my answer is yes. I have to go, they’re calling my name.”

  “Please welcome, Dr. Renee Douglas, your keynote speaker.” I made my way up to the podium and waited for the applause to stop but I guess a lot of people were interested in what I had to say because I received a standing ovation.

  “Thank you. Thank you. I truly appreciate your warm welcome. I’d like to also extend my gratitude to The Elliman Wellness Foundation for inviting me to join all of you here this evening. I have to say I was surprised to hear what topic I would be addressing this evening. So, let’s talk about communication.”

  “That is one subject that I don’t believe not one person in this room has mastered, including myself. I may have many degrees that line the walls of my office that prove I know what I’m talking about most of the time, but I have to be honest here and admit to you that I wish some days could just be silent. I can be silent and just listen. Yes, communication is key to any successful relationship we have in our lives. From marriage to friendships, it’s a key component and one we can’t live without unless you want to spend your life in a world of silence. I’ve recently learned a valuable lesson on this very subject. You see, I’ve been married for 25 years and so much in love since I was sixteen years old. Along the way of getting everything we ever wanted, some things in our lives were so loud that we actually went silent.” I paused for a brief moment to look out to the audience who were attentive and waiting for me to continue. This wasn’t the usual speech I was used to giving. This was my truth. The truth Lawson has wanted me to admit for so long now but I never could until he walked out the door and left me all alone in my—silence.

  “It took a major wake-up call in my life to realize that I was too busy and wrapped up in my career and putting the needs of my patients first, then my children, and lastly, my husband. It’s very easy to exert power and control over others when you’re the one at the top of the food chain. The truth of the matter is, I stopped listening. I never knew how much my avoidance of certain things in our lives was costing my family, especially my husband. But I certainly did know on the night he finally had enough and reached his breaking point with me. Of course, I was totally taken off guard and played the victim and blamed him for everything.”

  “Why did I do that? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for weeks now and have come up with this answer. I got used to my own rules and totally disregarded the ones I had promised to my husband. I stopped listening. As I look around this room, I see the shock registering on your faces because I’m sure you were not expecting to hear this kind of speech from me. I guess I surprised myself too because I’ve never found myself in a situation that I couldn’t control. A problem that I couldn’t solve. Yes, all new territory for me, so this is not my usual speech that I give at conferences to a room filled with my peers. Right here and now is my confession. I’m not perfect.” I paused for a moment and then I laughed so loud that I had to hold my stomach and then the room laughed along with me. “Wow! The world didn’t stop with those words, did it? No, I’m not perfect, far from it and it feels damn good to finally admit it.”

  “You can open any medical textbook and look up the definition of communication and you will find many answers to this very complex subject. Look, let’s be honest, it’s not pretty. We make our living using our fine communication skills to help others but I am here to say, the real work begins at home. We can only be our best self when we acknowledge our faults first, and I intend to work on mine the minute I can board a plane and have a real conversation with my husband. One where I will listen and allow someone else the chance to speak because I now know I can’t always take the lead.”

  “I’ll leave you with this. You ever hear the reference a good painter is only as good as his paintbrush?” Again I paused in my speech. I heard some laughter and then I saw some confused faces. “Yes, I know, I shuttered the first time I heard it too, but it has merit. A good communicator is only as good as their last conversation. Think about it and give yourself time to really believe how it will apply to you, your patients, and your life. And while you’re doing that I will say, “Thank you for your time.” And when I thought I was going to be pelted with rotten tomatoes, I received a standing ovation with Jacque leading the applause. I stepped down and was flanked by a colleague and then more approached and asked all sorts of questions and wanting meetings to further our discussion.

  “You were amazing!” Jacque said as she wrapped her arms around me in glee.

  “You are being kind but thank you.”

  “No, I’m not. Renee, I’m being honest and what you said really moved me. It was real and human, and exactly what we needed to hear. I know you must be exhausted, so I won’t keep you. Thank you, for this week. And I hope you get to have that conversation with your husband, he needs to know you’re ready to listen.”

  “I hope so. See you next year?”

  “I already have you down for running a panel.”

  “Bye, Jacque. If you’re ever in Savannah, look me up.”

  I looked down at my shoes and was regretting not changing into something more comfortable, but the city was waiting for me and I didn’t want to miss another minute of it. I stepped outside of the hotel and just smiled as I looked all around. I felt lighter as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. I didn’t hear him at first and then I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see one of the many doormen the Plaza had employed.<
br />
  “May I get you a taxi?”

  “Excuse me, what?”

  “I’m sorry, I asked you if you needed a taxi. Can I assist you in any way?”

  “No, thank you, I think I’m going to take a walk.”

  “No disrespect ma’am, but this is a big city and I don’t think it’s safe for you to be on your own.”

  “Thank you for your concern but I’m only going across the street to that Starbucks,” I pointed to the building on the other side.

  “Okay, fair enough.”

  Who knew New Yorkers had chivalry? I was still high from the conference and all the accolades I had received from my peers. It was a wonderful conference and in the end, I was happy I went. The night air felt great as it breezed against my skin. I just wanted to take a walk and for the first time not to clear my head.

  I felt better and more secure about my life and the one I intend to continue having with my husband. I waved to the doorman and smiled back as I waited for the light to change to green. I was standing there on the curb just thinking about Lawson when I heard his voice call out my name. Seriously? How can that be?

  I looked around the busy area surrounded by New Yorkers coming and going and then I heard his voice again. Lawson was here and standing on the other side. He had a duffle over his shoulder and was waving to me. He began crossing the busy intersection and it was my turn to go. I stepped off the sidewalk and into the street when suddenly the heel of my shoe snapped sending me careening out into the busy crowd. As I rose to my feet, a taxi ran the light and it was too late to run to safety. It happened so fast. Three tons of steel crashing into me. My body was launched off the ground and it felt as if I was soaring through the sky. I heard him screaming my name in pain.

  “Renee!” was the one thing I heard until he was kneeling beside me and over my body. “Baby, you hold on. Help is on the way. Renee, I’m here. Don’t you dare leave me.”

  “I love you, Lawson…” I didn’t have the ability to speak but I hoped he knew as all that was light in my world a moment ago has now turned to darkness.

  PRESENT…

  Lawson

  “Oh, daddy, mom is going to flip when she sees you.”

  “Yeah, dad, who knew you were such a romantic.”

  “Thanks, Rogan, but I’ve been known to wine and dine your mother on many occasions. Okay, listen to me. I don’t want you to worry one bit. Mom and I are meant for forever and my stupid lapse is not going to end us. I believe she’s over the initial shock of my error in judgment and she wants to forgive me.”

  “You have our support.”

  “Thank you, Emily. What about you? You’re quiet, Rogan.”

  “I’m sorry dad, I was reading a report.”

  “Spoken like a true workaholic.”

  “Says my baby sister who works what? 12-hour work days while planning her nuptials.”

  “Okay, you two, that’s enough. I love you very much and it’s going to be great. Listen Em, I still have to go home and pack and tie up a few things here with Rogan before I leave for the airport.”

  “Is that your subtle way of asking me to leave?”

  “Yeah, genius.”

  “Shut-up, Rogan.”

  “Enough. Can we pick this up when I get back?”

  “Absolutely, I will see you and mom.”

  “You definitely will. I love you,” I said as I took my daughter in my arms.

  “Now, let’s talk about you. I believe the last time we had spoken, I asked you to take some time to think about the next chapter in your life.”

  “And I did.”

  “Oh, yeah, what? A day? If your grandfather hadn’t shown up on my doorstep, when were you going to tell me? because I thought you were on a plane to Argentina.”

  “Dad, I’m you, and I’m not sorry for it. Everything I have learned about life comes from you, and I’ll be damned if I take a fucking vacation when all I want to do is work hard and make my own mark on Douglas ECO. I know you worry about me but I’m okay. I promise you I won’t allow the work to become bigger than me.”

  “I know you feel as if it has swallowed you up and has left no room for anything else in your life, but you’re wrong, dad. You have so much, probably more than most. I intend to have a family of my own someday and I can only hope for a marriage like yours with mom. I just want the work now. It makes me so happy and complete, I really can’t think of anything else.”

  “Wow! You sure know how to build up a father’s ego. Thank you, son. I am a very lucky man to have the life I have but I didn’t do it all on my own. I had your mother. Your mom was always there for me, and never missed a day when it counted most. She’s had to put up with a lot from me over the years and never once complained. I was selfish that night and cruel. I had been feeling unsettled and not fulfilled with work, life, you name it. I took it out on your mom knowing she didn’t deserve it. I swear I will do everything in my power to make things right between your mother and me, and that begins today with my trip to New York.”

  “So, in my absence, you are in charge.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. I have complete faith in you. Ty and Paul will be here along with your grandfather. It’s always been a team effort, and you must always remember that.”

  “Always. I won’t let you down, dad.”

  “I know. I have complete confidence in you. Now, I have a plane to catch.”

  Bless my daughter. I don’t know how she managed to do it. I took the elevator down to the ground floor and there was Emily standing there with my bag in hand.

  “How?” I said.

  “Oh, please! Mom taught me well. Here’s everything you need. Now go get your girl and bring her home.”

  “That’s exactly what I intend to do,” I practically lifted my daughter off the ground in a big hug. “Thank you, Emily.”

  I made it to the airport and boarded my flight with a few minutes to spare. I knew I was cutting it close even with Emily’s help. The flight attendant took my jacket and bag and I sat in my first class seat. I finally had a moment to breathe and think about what I wanted to say to Renee when I finally get to hold her in my arms again. I don’t know how I missed her call but I had a new voicemail.

  “Hi, it’s me. I’m still in New York and it’s the last night of the conference. I’m actually getting ready to deliver my speech and you’ll never guess what they’ve asked me to talk about. I’ll keep you guessing until I can tell you in person. Um, Lawson, do you remember the question you asked me before I left for my trip? Well, my answer is yes. I have to go, they’re calling my name.”

  Listening to her voice, I had this incredible overwhelming feeling that just washed over me and I wished I was Superman so I could get to her at the speed of light. My woman needed me, I could sense it in her tone. I should have put my plan in place earlier but no matter, I’m on my way and she will be back in my arms soon.

  Once I landed in New York, I practically sprinted through the airport to the car service. All I wanted to do is see Renee. I looked down at my watch and she was probably still at the conference. If I hurry, I could probably be there just as it’s ending. I wanted to call ahead and arrange champagne to be waiting for her in her room but we can order that together once we are reunited.

  “Damn, this traffic. Does it ever end in this city?” I said aloud as I took in the path of red stopped lights.

  “Let me guess, you’re not from here?”

  “No, I’m not. What gave me away?” I mocked.

  “It wasn’t your sparkling personality.”

  “You got me there. Sorry, man, I just need to get somewhere and I’m in a hurry.”

  “Well, maybe you have a little New York in you but sorry pal, we are at a standstill.”

  “How far is The Plaza from here?” I asked the driver.

  “About twenty city blocks pal, it’s a hike.”

  “Yeah, well thank goodness I’m in shape to run it. I’ll get out here.”

  When
I finally reached Fifth Avenue, I was feeling the burn in my chest and legs but it was so worth it because I was that much closer to Renee.

  I was standing on the corner and right across from the hotel. It was like the stars aligned because there she was. Renee looked beautiful and her smile had the ability to stop my heart from beating. My wife was just within arm’s reach.

  Who knew if she could hear me over the city noise and traffic, but I called out to her anyway. I was waving like a lovesick fool but I didn’t care. “Renee!” I shouted in my cupped hands and then she looked up and everything in my world was righted. Would it be cliché to say we looked like two star-crossed lovers? It certainly felt like that. I began to make my way to Renee, and she to me. I was almost there and then I watched in horror my wife get struck by a fucking taxi.

  “Renee! Renee!” By the time I reached her, she was nearly unconscious. I begged her to stay with me.

  I held her broken body in my arms and wept over her begging her not to die. Her eyes were closed but she still had a pulse which was my lifeline right now. The ambulance arrived and loaded her inside within seconds of evaluating her injuries. They said I couldn’t ride with them with the two EMTs in the back with her.

  “I want you to take her to New York-Presbyterian Hospital.” They looked at me like I was crazy which enraged me more.

  “Hey, don’t let my southern accent confuse you for being stupid. I want the best for my wife, and you will take her there,” I shouted.

  “Yes, sir.”

  There was no time to argue, every minute counted on saving Renee’s life. After they pulled away, I just stood there for a second trying to take in what just happened. My wife was just struck by a car right in front of me. The sounds of blaring horns made me move onto the sidewalk and that’s when I saw the taxi driver being handcuffed and placed into the back of a police car. His entire front end was smashed in. Holy shit! That’s the impact of hitting my wife.

  Rage flooded my senses and all I wanted was to kill the motherfucking driver. “Hey! You!” I called out as I rushed the police cruiser. I was thrown back by two NYPD officers. “Let me go,” I shouted and struggled to be free. “That bastard hit my wife. She’s fighting for her life because of him.”