Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  “We know, sir, and you going to jail tonight for assault is not going to help her. You need to get to the hospital. I swear to you that this asshole will get what’s coming to him.”

  “Please, five minutes with him, it’s all I need.” I cried out.

  “Sir, he isn’t going anywhere, I promise.”

  “You hit my wife! What in the hell is wrong with you!?” I shouted. I stepped back and raised my hands up showing the police I would not lunge again. I tried to take a few calming breaths but it felt hard to breathe not knowing what was happening with Renee. I was offered a ride to the hospital as I watched the drunk driver be pushed into the back seat of the other police cruiser. I had to get to my wife, that’s all that mattered right now. I sat in silence and prayed for my wife to survive.

  “Please drive faster.”

  “Sir, don’t worry, I’ll get you there.”

  “Please god, don’t take her from me or our kids. We love and need her. I can’t lose her.” I gripped the sides of my head in frustration. How the hell did this just happen? All I wanted to do was to reunite with Renee by surprising her in New York.

  She always loved my over-the-top romantic gestures and all I wanted was to re-create something special for her. My birthday party was an epic letdown which was totally my fault and I’ve been trying to make it up to her ever since. From our kids, my father, and too many hours of soul searching, my head is on straight now and I will never fuck up again with my wife. She has to be okay so I can spend the rest of my life making her happy.

  The cop escorted me inside to the entrance of the emergency room and brought me right through so I could get information on Renee. A staff member must have recognized the cop with me as she greeted him warmly and then said hello to me.

  “Hi, Mr. Douglas, I’m Raj. I work closely with Dr. Amsterdam.”

  “How’s my wife? I’m going crazy.”

  “She was just taken into surgery. She has a broken leg and several broken ribs with one puncturing her lung.”

  “What about head injuries?”

  “We will know more after we get the MRI results. Her leg was in need of emergency care.”

  “What are you saying? Is she going to lose it?”

  “We don’t know yet. Dr. Amsterdam and her team are the best. I’ll keep you posted with every update I get down here. Is there anyone I can call for you?”

  “No, thank you. We don’t live here in the city. Is there a waiting area I can go to?”

  “Yes, I can take you up there.” We rode in silence as the elevator reached the floor. We stepped out and Raj directed me to the waiting room just off the OR doors. I thanked her and took a seat by the window looking down to the busy city below.

  I slid my finger across my phone screen to open up my contacts. It was so late and I knew I should call our kids but I couldn’t bring myself to even say the words. I shoved my phone back into my pocket and just waited. It had been a few hours and I was just about to lose my mind when a tall woman in scrubs walked through the door.

  “Mr. Douglas?”

  “Yeah, that’s me. How’s my wife?”

  “She’s stable and in recovery. Why don’t we have a seat and I can go over the surgery with you. Due to the impact, her femur was shattered resulting in me reconstructing the Femoral shaft. She’s kind of like the bionic woman and will need at least six months of recovery time.”

  “So, my wife is like Humpty Dumpty? The accident shattered her and you what? Put her back together?” WTF? How am I even saying these words? The doctor just stood there and patiently listened as I ranted off complete nonsense. Does she hear this often from worried family members? “I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m just running on empty and in need of coffee.”

  “Actually, that wasn’t so bad considering what I’m used to hearing doing this job. Mr. Douglas, you have a right to be upset. Your wife has been through a great ordeal tonight. As for Humpty Dumpty, only her leg. She will probably set off the airport security alarms anytime she travels, but she still has her leg and although the recovery will be difficult, the thing to remember is she will recover and be able to walk again.”

  “Thank god, and what about the rest of her injuries?”

  “She has three broken ribs, one that got really close to her lungs but thankfully the scan was wrong and they were not punctured like you were initially told. She has no cranial damage which is a miracle but she does have a bump on her head. Her vitals are strong and we want to keep them that way. I am going to keep her sleeping for the next 24-to-48 hours to rest. This was a horrific trauma that could have killed her. My best advice is to get some rest tonight and we can talk again in the morning.”

  “I’d rather stay. Please, can I see my wife?”

  “I know you’re anxious to see her, Mr. Douglas, but like I said, she’s sedated and no visitors are allowed up in the ICU recovery room. Please, do yourself some good and get some rest. The next few days is going to be hard and you will need your strength to get through them. If you have anyone to lean on for support, I encourage you to call them. I will have Raj call you after I access her condition in the morning.”

  “It is morning, doc.”

  “How about nine? You can see her then.”

  “Fine. I’ll be back.”

  PRESENT…

  Lawson

  By the time I got back to the Plaza, it was nearly four in the morning. The concierge expressed his sympathies for my wife and handed me a stack of messages from I imagine her colleagues from the conference. He escorted me personally up to her suite and even had some food ordered up for me. The accident happened right in front of the hotel and some of the staff who had interacted with Renee were upset.

  I was grateful for all their kindness. All I wanted to do was get some rest and get back to the hospital. The minute I stepped inside of her hotel room, the smell of her perfume hit my nostrils. She was here with me in some kind of way. I closed the door and slid down to the floor in a heap of tears. I remained there until I heard a knock at the door. It was room service delivering whatever the concierge ordered for me.

  I took a hot shower after letting them in, and when I came out of the bathroom, the dining table was elegantly set. Under the silver dome covers were filet mignon, roasted red potatoes, and asparagus tips. Wow, and here I was expecting a burger and fries. Not remembering the last time I ate, I just devoured the delicious meal and then caught a few hours of sleep before returning to the hospital.

  I was exhausted and my legs felt heavy with every step I took. I wanted to see Renee so badly but I was scared at the same time for fear of what the doctor will tell me. Once I reached the nurse’s desk, Raj was there to greet me. She didn’t look nervous to talk to me so I took that as a good sign. However, a big part of her job is to show her game face to patient’s families, so that blows my theory right out of the window.

  “Hello, Mr. Douglas, how are you today?” she said as she came out from behind her desk.

  “Tell me my wife is awake and I’ll be just fine.”

  “She’s still sedated but is improving. Dr. Amsterdam is in with her now. She will be out soon and give you an update.”

  “You don’t know?”

  “I really can’t say but please, don’t worry.”

  They wouldn’t let me back there so I had no choice but to wait in the waiting room. I was giving it five more minutes and then I was going in no matter what. Raj must have sensed my anxiety from earlier and walked over with a cup of coffee for me.

  “Not exactly what I need at the moment but I will take it anyway, thank you.”

  “You are welcome. Dr. Amsterdam has finished with rounds and will be out in a minute to speak with you. My shift is over Mr. Douglas, stay strong and I will see you tomorrow.”

  “That means my wife will still be on the ICU floor tomorrow?”

  “Not necessarily. It means as long as Dr. Amsterdam is her doctor, you will see me too.”

  I placed my hand over my heart
to calm my nerves. I was never a fan of hospitals. You had to see me when Renee had the kids, I was a complete mess with almost passing out once when she pushed out Rogan.

  “Good morning Mr. Douglas, I’ve just come from examining your wife, and I’m happy to say she’s doing well, so much that she’s fighting the vent. I just removed it and hopefully in a matter of hours she will wake up.”

  “Oh, thank god! Can I see her now?”

  “Absolutely. She’s in room 4115.”

  I nearly dropped my coffee after the doctor told me about Renee. She’s always been strong and she would never give up without a fight. When I entered her room, I was thankful she was the only patient in here. I closed the door behind me and grabbed a chair to sit beside her. The sounds of the monitors all beeped in a synchronized rhythm. One would stop and another would sound off. The side of her face was marred by road rash, and she had bruises and abrasions lining her arms and her hands. Where are her rings? Pangs of guilt hit my heart like a baseball bat. My wife never took her wedding rings off and to see her hand bare made me feel sick. I hated myself for hurting her and even angrier for not being able to save Renee from getting struck by that car. I was too far away from her and all I could do was to watch in horror as my wife got hurt. I held her hand in mine and leaned over to kiss her forehead. She had multiple IV’s in her arms and was careful not to get in the way of them.

  “Hey baby, I’m here. Yeah, that’s stupid. Where else would I be? When I saw you last night standing on the other side of the street, you took my breath away. You looked so beautiful and your smile, your smile righted every wrong in my life. All I wanted to do was reach you, hold you, and love you for the rest of my life. So, in order to do all those things, you need to wake up for me and put me to the task, okay?”

  I kissed every mark on her battered skin and then prayed for God to hear me and make her well. “Renee, please come back to me. I love you.” I stayed by her bedside the entire day and through the night forgoing the hotel. They tried to kick me out but this time I refused. I would camp outside the door if I had to but it didn’t come to that.

  So this is how I spent the next three days. The “team” kept reassuring me that she was getting better and stable but to me, she was in a functioning coma and every day I sat here watching her broke me down a little more by the day. This was killing me and I had no idea what to do. Both Rogan and Emily have been texting me which I have been ignoring to the best of my ability but I know them and they have to be wondering what’s going on with their mother and me.

  I have to call them but what will I say? Emily helped me plan this entire surprise for her mother. My beautiful girl is such a romantic and all she wants is for me to fly in on my magic carpet and fly her mom away to paradise.

  By the fourth day, I was climbing out of my skin after spending the last 48-hours at the hospital. I had returned to the hotel after her doctor forced me to leave to get some rest. My energy was depleted and as tired as I was, I didn’t believe I could sleep. The room had been cleaned and the sheets didn’t smell of Renee anymore, so I took out her favorite perfume and sprayed the bedding just so I can have a piece of her with me.

  I only had a duffel with me with minimal clothing so once again I called down to the concierge to help me with a few things. This time I didn’t forget my manners and asked him his name which is Franco. He was more than happy to assist me in the shopping department. The hotel has personal shoppers on call from Saks, so one phone call later to confirm my sizes and I had a new wardrobe delivered by the afternoon.

  Once I had eaten and showered and dressed for the day, I took some time to go through Renee’s things. She had her papers strewn all over the desk and I had just finished putting everything in her briefcase when I saw her speech with red markings all over it. It was supposed to be the original speech she was going to give. I looked around for another copy but I didn’t find one. My interest was definitely piqued and I looked through her papers again and found a business card of the event coordinator from the conference. Jacque Gillespie, I immediately called her and thankfully she answered on the second ring.

  “Hi, my name is Lawson Douglas, and my wife is Dr. Renee Douglas. Yes, thank you for that. She’s in stable condition and still in the ICU. Thank you for the flowers, unfortunately, patients can’t have them in there but the nurses love them. Anyway, let me get to the reason for my call. I found my wife’s speech with her things and it seems to be heavily edited. I was wondering if you had a copy of what she delivered to the conference?”

  “Oh, Mr. Douglas, do I ever! The keynote speeches are always recorded and streamed for the members that are not able to attend. I can send you the file and you can see your brilliant wife in all her amazement. I am telling you, sir, she just floored me.”

  I let out a frustrating sigh before interrupting her banter. Did this girl ever stop talking? “I truly appreciate it, Jacque, but I need to go. Yes, I will send your best.” My phone beeped right away with the incoming file. I clicked it open and watched my wife. She always looked beautiful but she seemed nervous standing at the podium. She bounced on her feet for a moment or two and then began her speech.

  “Please welcome, Dr. Renee Douglas, your keynote speaker.” She received a standing ovation.

  “Thank you. Thank you. I truly appreciate your warm welcome. I’d like to also extend my gratitude to The Elliman Wellness Foundation for inviting me to join all of you here this evening. I have to say I was surprised to hear what topic I would be addressing this evening. So, let’s talk about communication.”

  “That is one subject that I don’t believe not one person in this room has mastered, including myself. I may have many degrees that line the walls of my office that prove I know what I’m talking about most of the time, but I have to be honest here and admit to you that I wish some days could just be silent. I can be silent and just listen. Yes, communication is key to any successful relationship we have in our lives. From marriage to friendships, it’s a key component and one we can’t live without unless you want to spend your life in a world of silence. I’ve recently learned a valuable lesson on this very subject. You see, I’ve been married for 25 years and so much in love since I was sixteen years old. Along the way of getting everything we ever wanted, some things in our lives were so loud that we actually went silent.”

  “It took a major wake-up call in my life to realize that I was too busy and wrapped up in my career and putting the needs of my patients first, then my children, and lastly, my husband. It’s very easy to exert power and control over others when you’re the one at the top of the food chain. The truth of the matter is, I stopped listening. I never knew how much my avoidance of certain things in our lives was costing my family, especially my husband. But I certainly did know on the night he finally had enough and reached his breaking point with me. Of course, I was totally taken off guard and played the victim and blamed him for everything.”

  “Why did I do that? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for weeks now and have come up with this answer. I got used to my own rules and totally disregarded the ones I had promised to my husband. I stopped listening. As I look around this room, I see the shock registering on your faces because I’m sure you were not expecting to hear this kind of speech from me. I guess I surprised myself too because I’ve never found myself in a situation that I couldn’t control. A problem that I couldn’t solve. Yes, all new territory for me, so this is not my usual speech that I give at conferences to a room filled with my peers. Right here and now is my confession. I’m not perfect.”

  I watched my phone screen and focused on my wife and then she did something I wasn’t expecting, she laughed. I smiled at the sound of the carefree tone in her voice, a sound I have missed.

  “Wow! The world didn’t stop with those words, did it? No, I’m not perfect, far from it and it feels damn good to finally admit it. You can open any medical textbook and look up the definition of communication and you will find many answers to
this very complex subject. Look, let’s be honest, it’s not pretty. We make our living using our fine communication skills to help others but I am here to say, the real work begins at home. We can only be our best self when we acknowledge our faults first, and I intend to work on mine the minute I can board a plane and have a real conversation with my husband. One where I will listen and allow someone else the chance to speak because I now know I can’t always take the lead.”

  “I’ll leave you with this. You ever hear the reference a good painter is only as good as his paintbrush?” Yes, I know, I shuttered the first time I heard it too, but it has merit. A good communicator is only as good as their last conversation. Think about it and give youself time to really believe how it will apply to you, your patients, and your life. And while you’re doing that I will say, “Thank you for your time.”

  Her speech had ended but the recording went on for a few minutes of unending applause and standing ovations. I saw a woman rush the stage and hug my wife hard. Her expression was classic Renee, I loved it. Renee wanted to see me as badly as I wanted her. She called her speech a confession but to me, it was an apology, and one she didn’t say to me but to an entire room of her peers. This took courage for her to put it all out there and I have never been prouder of my wife.

  My tears wouldn’t stop. I paused the screen and it was frozen on Renee’s smile. I let out a roar of pain and never prayed so hard in my life for my wife to come back to me. I had reached the hospital just in time for the evening rounds. Dr. Amsterdam had already been in to see Renee and was waiting for me at the nurse’s station when I arrived.

  “Good evening Mr. Douglas,” greeting me warmly.

  “It’s Lawson, please. How’s Renee?”