Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  “The same. I ordered another MRI and the results are clear. I can’t imagine how you feel being on this nerve-wracking timetable waiting for your wife to wake. All I can say with my complete medical assurance is, in fact, she will wake up. I believe something is holding her back and that’s a mystery but if anyone can bring her back, it’s you, Lawson. I’ve only known you for a little over a week, but I can tell you love her dearly.”

  “You have no idea.”

  “I think I do. Why don’t you go in and sit with her? Maybe tonight is the night.”

  She looks so small in this big hospital bed. Most of her wires were now gone with just her IV line remaining. I kicked off my shoes and gently slid in beside her holding my wife and sending her all my love for her to feel.

  “Have I told you how magnificent you are? I’m sure there had to be a few times through the course of our marriage but I figured I’ll tell you again. I listened to your speech. It was wonderful and real. I don’t know how you can stand up there and feel even a small sliver of the doubt when the masses you spoke to would not stop applauding. It was like you were a star up there speaking to your public. I am so very proud of you and I wish I could have been there right in the front row. I probably would have been competing with Jacque, your biggest fan. Yes, I didn’t meet her but I sure got an earful from her on the phone.”

  “I haven’t called the kids yet and I really don’t think how much longer I can avoid them. I just don’t want to worry them and you know Emily is going to freak and jump on the next plane to be here. I miss them both terribly but I know the minute I see them, I’m going to fall apart.”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t let you. I’m here, Daddy.”

  I looked up to see Emily standing in the doorway of Renee’s room. I got up from the bed and sure enough, I lost it the minute I saw my daughter begin to cry. She walked right into my arms and buried her face in my chest.

  “Oh, Em, I’m so sorry for not calling you sooner, I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “Rogan is here too, and grandpa. They couldn’t stay away, so don’t be angry. And before you ask about work, Alison has everything covered along with Ty and Paul.”

  “Work is the last thing on my mind but thank you for telling me. How did you find me here?”

  “Well after you didn’t return my calls, I called the hotel and found out mom was still registered. Before I could make any more inquiries, I got a call from Jacque Gillespie. She told me about the accident and of course, I called Rogan, and then he told grandpa, and now we are all here. Daddy, why didn’t you call us right away? That’s my mom in that hospital bed and we had a right to know our mother was nearly killed.”

  Before I could defend myself and my reasons for not calling her, Rogan rushed down the hallway with my father following. “Dad!” he called out.

  “Em, let’s continue this after I speak with Rogan.”

  “Oh, yes we will. Hey bro, give him hell.”

  “I got it, sis. Dad, how’s mom?”

  “She’s stable. Let me say hi to grandpa and then we can all go somewhere quieter to talk.” I walked over to embrace my father and he patted my back in return.

  “How’s our girl? I want to see my daughter in law.”

  “Let’s go talk and I will give you all an update on Renee,” Emily was peering over my shoulder with her eyes focused on her mother. Our kids needed to see her and spend some time with her. I gave them some time to do that and I just quietly waited in the corner of the room while listening to my kids cry over her still body.

  They both kissed her hands and wiped away their tears. Emily had noticed right away that her wedding rings were missing. I explained to our daughter that after I located the rings with the rest of Renee’s belongings, I discovered that they were damaged in the accident. As soon as I could, I would repair them and vow to see them on her hand again. I watched my father lean over and kiss her forehead before wiping away his own tears. They all surrounded me and we stood in silence hugging each other and praying for Renee to wake up. I spoke to Raj and told her that I would be returning to the hotel with my family for a while and would be back later. She had printed passes for the kids and my father to return with no issue even if it was beyond visiting hours. The cab ride was quiet back to the hotel. I knew they would have many questions about Renee.

  “Is anyone hungry? I can order room service.”

  “Dad, we’re not here for a vacation and a day at the spa. I want to know about mom.”

  “Okay, Rogan, Emily, and dad, please take a seat and I will explain. As you know, I flew here to surprise your mother and make things right with us. I arrived shortly after she finished giving her speech which was amazing by the way, and I was just standing across the street and that’s when I saw your mother on the other side. She looked so beautiful and happy, more like at peace. I called out to her and she saw me and your mom smiled. The light had changed and we began walking toward each other. I don’t know what happened but she fell down to the street and I tried to get to her but then a taxi ran the light and struck your mother head-on. All I heard was screeching tires and the sound of crunching metal leaving your mother in the middle of the street.”

  “Oh my god, poor mom. Daddy, we need to be with her.”

  “And you will. Let’s take this time to talk and then we can go back.” The kids agreed and I continued on with my explanation.

  “The taxi driver was drunk. After the ambulance took your mother away, I wanted to kill that bastard but I was held back by the cops.”

  “Dad, you should have called us immediately. She’s our mother and she could have died without us being here. Are you that fucking selfish that you don’t know that?”

  “Rogan, calm down,” my father admonished him for his outburst.

  “I know you are angry and have every right to be. I wanted to call you but I just didn’t know how to find the words. This is your mother’s department. I just couldn’t do it. I have never been so terrified in all of my life. What I experienced, I will never be able to unsee. I’m sorry if you think I was being selfish but I needed those moments with your mom.” My son wiped away more of his tears and lunged forward to hug me.

  “I’m sorry dad, forgive me. We can’t lose her.”

  “We won’t, Rogan.”

  “Son, we understand but how could you believe you could take all of this on by yourself? We are your family and we love Renee just as much as you do.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think so. She’s my life dad and I need her to wake up and come back to me.”

  “She will daddy, she just has to.”

  “Okay, if you’re ready, let’s go back to the hospital. Dad, do you want to rest for a while and then I can send back a car for you?”

  “I’m fine, stop worrying. I want to see my girl.”

  I guess I couldn’t argue with my father when he got like this. It’s not like I couldn’t blame them. I just need Renee to wake up and we can begin to put this nightmare behind us.

  “Okay, I’m going in first to check on mom and then I’ll step out and you can go in.”

  “Daddy, why can’t we just go in now?”

  “You’re right, go in and see your mom.”

  I watched Emily and Rogan each take a side with their mother, and my dad standing at the foot of the bed. My heart was aching taking in the scene before me. I couldn’t do it and had to get some air. I walked down the hall and stood by a window placing my forehead against the glass.

  Of course, he followed me. “Are you alright, son?”

  “No, far from it. I’m out of my depth here and have no clue on what to do. What if I lose her dad?”

  “Talking like that will not help you or your family. She’s fighting son, it’s just taking some time.”

  “How much more? The waiting and pacing these hospital floors is exhausting. The hours seem to just tick by at a snail’s pace and it’s so quiet, I can’t even think straight.”

  “Let’s go back in there
. Emily has probably cried a bucket’s worth already and Rogan has seemed to take over the pacing for you. They need you son. You need to be strong for your kids.”

  “I need Renee.”

  “I know and she needs you too. Go to her and tell her that. She’ll come back to you. I know it, Lawson. This is not the end for you and Renee not when you have so much more to experience with one another. She’s fighting her way back, I know she is. Now you go and be strong for her.”

  “Thank you, dad. I know this can’t be easy on you, especially after losing mom.”

  “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Your mom is watching over all of us right now. I know you may believe you get all of your strength from me. It’s easy to think that way with fathers and sons, but it’s really from your mom. She was the strongest person I knew and the way she fought in her final days was a miraculous testament to the person she was. You have that same fight in you and now you need to pass it to Renee.”

  I hugged my father so hard, I feared I may have hurt him but then he returned the same force of hug back to me. It wasn’t easy for a man like Roman Douglas to express what he was feeling but he did it for me tonight because he knew it was exactly what I needed.

  PAST…

  Renee

  “Do you like this house?” My husband excitedly asked as he practically bounced on his heels.

  “Lawson, it’s not a house, it’s more like a mansion.”

  “Yeah, maybe, but if we are going to fill it will kids then we need a lot of rooms.”

  “Can we afford this?”

  “Baby, I run my own company and the last time I looked at my bank statement, yeah, we can afford this.”

  “So what you’re saying is this is the house that we are going to raise a family in.”

  “Exactly. Let’s get started.”

  Before I could even blink, Lawson had me over his shoulders and running up to the house. “Did you already buy this house and this is why you have a key and now are opening the front door?”

  “Oh, baby, I wouldn’t buy a house without you seeing it first but I did charm the panties off the real estate agent and she’s allowing me to get a feel for the house before I sign, no we sign the contracts later today. Let’s go check out where our master bedroom will be, maybe we will make a baby today.”

  “You are crazy,” I said as I swatted his ass.

  “Crazy for you,” he responded and swatted mine in return.

  He carried me all the way to the top of the landing and did not put me down into we were standing in the middle of the vast bedroom with French doors leading out to a balcony. Natural light radiated throughout the room. It was lovely and all I could imagine was sitting in the corner rocking our baby with Lawson playing the guitar.

  “This is beautiful, I love it and I want the house.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes, this house is everything I want and every time I look at it, I can’t help but imagine we building our life here together like we always promised each other. Yes, let’s do this.”

  “Yes! I love you, Renee. I promise to always make you as happy as you have made me.”

  “I love you too. Let’s make a family.”

  PRESENT…

  “Dr. Amsterdam, here are the results from her latest labs.”

  “Thank you, Raj. Let me take a look. This is so frustrating. Everything is normal and in perfect range. Her MRI is normal with no bleeds and her leg is healing. I just don’t understand it, Raj, why isn’t my patient waking up? I don’t know what to tell her family at this point. It just doesn’t make sense.”

  “Why don’t you talk to her husband? Maybe he can help?”

  “At this point, I will try anything. Do you know where he is?”

  “Yeah, they went to get coffee and should be back in a few minutes.”

  “Okay, page me when the family returns.”

  Is Lawson here? I wanted to open my eyes and find out what the hell was going on but they felt heavy and my body wasn’t cooperating at the moment. I heard the door open and close as I tried to come up to the surface but again I felt as if a heavy weight was keeping me down.

  “Dr. Amsterdam, it’s been five days since the accident. Why isn’t my wife waking up?”

  He’s here. I wasn’t imagining him. Yes, I remember. He came to New York to see me and I got hit by a car trying to get to him. OMG! Wake up, Renee. Your family is here sobbing over you and you’re just laying here doing nothing to help them.

  “Medically speaking, she is recovering. Something has to be holding her back, I just don’t know what that is.”

  “So, this could be all in her head?”

  “Something like that. I have to get personal here, Mr. Douglas, is there a reason why your wife may not want to come back to you and your children?”

  “Why would you ask me that?”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry but in this case, I have to for the sake of my patient’s recovery. I don’t know you or the past you share with your wife. I’ve seen how worried you’ve been. Having said that, I still have to ask questions that may make you feel uncomfortable. More importantly, I have no medical reason to offer you and your family as to why she is not waking up. The only reason why I am even entertaining this line of questioning is that I’ve seen it before in other patients. It’s like they are blocked, maybe even afraid to face something in their life before the accident.”

  “I don’t know how to answer you, doctor, she was practically run over and maybe the trauma of almost being killed is keeping her asleep.”

  “Maybe. I’ll check back later.”

  PAST…

  “What do you want from me, Renee?”

  “What do I want? How could you ask me that? I want you, Lawson. I want our marriage. What the hell do you want? Oh, that’s right, I remember. You asked me for a divorce. Tell me, Lawson, is that what you really want from me?”

  “Stop pushing me, Renee, you know that was a mistake and one that I will forever regret. I know I hurt you deeply and I am so sorry for that.”

  “You always said apologies were just words and actions were the real apologies.”

  “I know and I still believe that.”

  “Okay, so what’s it going to be, Lawson?”

  “Meaning?”

  “The grand gesture. The big over the top moment to win me back?”

  “I have no idea, Renee. I know I love you and I wish that was enough right now but I know it’s not. You don’t know how much I hate myself right now, so much that I just want to punch myself in the face and knock my stupid ass out.”

  “Okay, that’s a start. Listen, I have a plane to catch, New York, is waiting for me.”

  “Knock’em dead.”

  “I will, I always do. Is that where I went wrong with us?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Sure you do. It’s my over-confidence, right? I behave as if I have all the answers to every single problem and I doctor you too much instead of being a wife because that’s what you have needed me to be.”

  “Renee, I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, you’ve said that. See you, Lawson.”

  PRESENT…

  Lawson

  “Daddy, I’m going to say good-night to mom and then head back to the hotel with grandpa and Rogan.”

  “Spend as much time as you need, I’ll be outside.”

  While our kids were in there with Renee, I lit some candles in the chapel and prayed for my wife. I didn’t have a clue on how to fix my life. All I knew is that I want my wife back and she needs to wake up so I can do everything in my power to make things right between us.

  I said goodbye to the kids and my dad. They got rooms in the same hotel so we could all be close to one another. It’s been a super long day and I was worried that my father was overdoing it but he basically told me to kiss his ass and be quiet about it. I love my father and his bluntness way of setting me straight.

  I took my wife’s hand in
mine and held it to my heart. “Renee, is it my fault that you are not waking up? I know I hurt you and maybe this is your way of protecting yourself from the pain I caused you. I wouldn’t blame you if this is my punishment, I deserve it but the kids don’t. Our kids need you to come back to them. I need you. I need my wife to forgive me and just open your eyes. I would do anything to be able to return to the night of my birthday and instead of being stupid, take you in my arms and love you.”

  “You’re not stupid.” What?

  “Renee? Come on baby, keep talking to me.”

  “I’m here, Lawson, and I’m not going anywhere.” She coughed a few times clearing her throat. I reached for the pitcher of cool water and poured some in a cup. I held it to her lips as she slowly took a few sips.

  “Thank you,” she softly whispered.

  “You scared the hell out of me. Oh, my god, Renee, I thought I was losing you. Please tell me I haven’t. There is nothing we can’t conquer as long as we are together.”

  “That’s my guy, dive right into the hard stuff.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m just so grateful I’m looking into your beautiful eyes. The kids are here and dad is too. I’m going to call them right now and they’ll come back.” She reached for my hand to stop me from leaving. Her eyes were warm.

  “Lawson, slow down. It’s late and they need their rest especially your father. If it’s okay, I just want you right now.” I visibly relaxed.

  “Yeah, it’s okay. Anything you want, baby, I will do for you.”

  “Will you kiss me?”

  I cupped her face and kissed her chastely at first and then she beautifully opened up for me and it turned passionately. “God, I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for coming back to me. I swear to you, Renee, I will never ever hurt you again for as long as I draw breath.”

  “Lawson, please, let me come up for air and say something to you.”

  “Okay, go on.”

  “I had a lot of time to process everything that happened between us and to tell you the truth, I’m kind of over it. You made a mistake and I punished you for it. I vilified you and made myself blameless and that was wrong. I’ve been going back to the past and the here and now and you know what?”