Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  “I just... I thought I could help Annette in the kitchen.”

  For a few short moments he remained silent as if something bothered him. My mind raced when he looked at me with an apparent intention to speak.

  “I didn’t know you like to cook.” He finally smiled, taunting me with the same sentence I threw his way not that long ago and it brought some peace to my mind. “It’s very nice of you to help, but I think Antoinette can find her way around the kitchen.”

  He used her real name and it puzzled me. It meant that he still didn’t like her. I knew that it shouldn’t have, but for some reason, the revelation made me feel at ease. However, the thought that he might have overheard fractions of our conversation made my face redden with shame.

  He took in my appearance as he approached me and I was suddenly very aware of the simple dress I was wearing.. I hugged my middle, trying to hide from the piercing glare in his eyes. I’d never worn anything so revealing in his presence and the thought that he might get the wrong idea made me nervous. The almost-teasing smile wouldn’t leave his face and I knew that I was being ridiculous since he had paid for the dress, but I couldn’t help it. His eyes paused on my shoulder and I realized that one of the straps had slid down when I had reached for the bowl on the floor. Slowly, he directed his green gaze straight to my eyes and looked at me tenderly as his fingers brushed against my naked shoulder and pulled the strap back in place. Even when he moved his hand away, the feeling of his soft touch still danced on my skin and sent tingles all the way down, way below the surface, causing the sense of some undefined serenity that made me hunger for more of his tenderness. As I gaped at him in wonder, the smell of something burning filled my nostrils and I gasped when Sebastian hurried towards the oven. Cupcakes! I’d forgotten to set the timer. A small cloud of smoke escaped when he opened the door and as I stood there, angry at myself for being so stupid, Sebastian was laughing his head off.

  “Unless they were made of dark chocolate, I don’t think there’s much hope for these muffins.” He barely managed to say through his laughter.

  His light mood was so soothing and contagious, that I couldn’t help but relax and laugh as well.

  “It’s not funny,” I protested.

  “You’re right. It’s not funny.” He became slightly serious. “It’s hilarious.” He started laughing again full force while I shook my head at him. “I can’t wait to see the look on Norma’s face. I think she won’t be taking a day off in a while.”

  “You’re wrong,” I said in a teasing voice. “They would have been delicious.”

  His laughter subsided and he looked at me with the glowing light in his eyes. “I’m sure they would have been the best cupcakes I ever had.” I gazed at him with apparent surprise, but he ignored my suspicious stare and made an interesting suggestion. “Let’s go out to dinner tonight.”

  The idea of spending the evening in some fancy, à la carte restaurant was more than appalling, but Sebastian had done so many nice things for me and I felt like I owed him, so I decided to accept his invitation.

  “Sure.” I smiled, pretending that I liked the idea. “Just give me some time to change.”

  I already headed towards the door, but he stopped me by softly taking hold of my elbow and almost pulling me into an embrace. The smell of his cologne grazed my senses and a shiver passed through me when I became aware of how painfully close we were.

  “No,” his whisper carried the mint breeze I still remembered. “You don’t need to change.”

  He smiled while I looked at him in confusion, thinking that he must have lost his mind.

  “But... But this dress...”

  “Is lovely,” he interrupted me.

  “And... And my hair...” I touched the bundle of mess on my head.

  “Is perfect,” he whispered and gently settled one loose strand of hair that hung above my face to the side.

  “Sebastian...” I pleaded.

  He tilted up my chin, speaking softly to me. “You’re perfect, Isabelle. I don’t want you to change the dress. I don’t want you to fix up your beautiful hair. I like it just the way it is.”

  I realized I wasn’t going to win and persuade him into letting me wear the appropriate attire, so I gave into his expectant expression and allowed him to lead me towards the car.

  ***

  The entire ride, I kept thinking about the embarrassment I would have to face in front of the staff and the guests of the restaurant. Sebastian wore a mysterious smirk on his face and I couldn’t help hating him a little for making me go into a place that would be filled with stuck up people, without giving me the opportunity to dress appropriately, especially when he was wearing one of his perfect, wrinkle-free suits. Even though I liked the new clothes he’d given me, I still hated drawing people’s attention in places we attended as a couple. Everybody were throwing silent, mean comments my way as it was, and the last thing I wanted was to give them another thing to judge me for and talk about.

  As expected, he parked his car across from one of the exclusive restaurants whose French name I couldn’t even begin to imagine how to pronounce. Apprehension got the best of me and I sighed, fumbling with my fingers and trying to prepare myself for the mental torture of proper cutlery usage that would only be topped by the pressure of following the etiquette to the letter. I had a feeling I would make a fool out of myself. Sebastian glanced at me shortly and smiled, providing me with encouragement, but it wasn’t enough to make me relax.

  “Wait here,” he muttered and got out of the car.

  He walked to my door and opened it for me, offering me his hand and helping me out of the car.

  “Nervous?” he asked like he knew the answer to his question. I nodded and he whispered to me, offering reassurance. “Don’t be.”

  I shrugged. It was easy for him to say. Finally making peace with the fact we were going to eat at that place that looked so pretentious that it probably served snails and other nasty food I despised, I started turning towards it, but I stopped when I heard Sebastian’s chuckle behind me. I turned around, noticing he hadn’t moved away from where he stood.

  “Where are you going?” he asked with a smirk.

  “I... I thought you said we were going to eat out.” I gaped at him with confusion.

  He smiled. “We are, but not in that place. I would hate to put you through hell of pronouncing the names of French dishes like that girl in the movie. Remember?” he said with a teasing undertone and I remembered the nice evening I had spent with him in the movies.

  Thinking about it made me smile. It made me happy. “Where are we going then?” I asked in one breath.

  “It’s a surprise,” he said softly and placed his hand on the small of my back and that shivering current rushed through me again.

  We walked through the small park in silence, and suddenly I was facing the glowing lights of the last place I thought we’d end up at.

  “Well, I hope you’re hungry because we just reached our destination.” His voice was serious, but I knew he had to have been joking.

  “But this is... McDonald’s?!” I exclaimed in surprise, almost laughing at the thought of Sebastian eating at a place like that.

  “I thought it was only fair to take you somewhere where I didn’t fit in for a change.” He shrugged and I looked at him with amusement.

  He was right. There would be some glares and silent comments coming his way this time. The only difference was, I kind of doubted it would be humiliating or condescending. Any other girl would be unimpressed with the dinner at the McDonald’s, but I liked the thought of eating somewhere where I could relax and be myself.

  The moment we entered, Sebastian immediately demonstrated how much he stood out among the rest of the clientele when he started walking towards the table, expecting to be served by one of the employees. I chuckled, realizing this was his very first time at the McDonald’s. Coming from a small place as Rosemont, where McDonald’s was practically unheard of, I could probably
count the times I’d eaten there, but I wasn’t as nearly clueless as Sebastian.

  “Um, don’t we need to order something first?” I asked quietly.

  “Yes, of course.” Just like always, he pretended to have everything under control even though it was obvious he didn’t have a clue of what he was supposed to do in a place like McDonald’s.

  It was fun to think that a man, who basically conquered the world, didn’t have the slightest ability to fit into a normal, everyday life with the rest of the people.

  When we finally ordered something and took a seat, I could tell he was confused as he looked around his plate.

  “There is no cutlery,” I said with a smile on my face. “You’re supposed to eat it with your hands.”

  He smiled and sighed. “I should have known.”

  Without another word, he took the hamburger out of the package and started eating it with his hands. To my astonishment, he was actually being a lot less of a snob than I expected him to. “This is really tasty. I could get used to it,” he praised the meal though I was sure he hated it.

  While he continued struggling with his food and even managed to stain his incredibly expensive suit with some gravy, I looked towards the other tables, suppressing the need to laugh. Just as I suspected, every now and then, people would glance at our table, then whisper something to each other. I was wondering what they thought about Sebastian and the fact that he was accompanied by someone like me, when a little girl with blonde hair, carrying a red balloon approached our table. Both Sebastian and I stopped eating and gave her our full attention. Her little cheeks blushed sweetly as she looked at Sebastian, smiling. She was adorable.

  “What is your name?” she asked Sebastian timidly and he gave her a gentle smile.

  “My name is...” His eyes lit up and then he acted like he was startled by something. “Oops. I can’t tell you, you’re a stranger.” He winked at her and chuckled.

  The little girl giggled and pointed towards me. “Is she your girlfriend?”

  “No, she’s not my girlfriend.” Sebastian smirked. “She’s my wife. I’m married to her.” He stretched his hand and seemed proud to show her the ring on his finger. “See?”

  She touched his hand and he looked at her tenderly as her little fingers explored the shiny ring on his finger. It felt surreal, observing him interacting sweetly with that child, taking hold of all of her attention. He would make an excellent father one day. My earlier thoughts of comparing myself to Annette returned to haunt me. He wanted a real marriage and life with me, but I had nothing to offer in return. Seeing him like that, I imagined him with our own child, and I realized he was perfect for the part. Still, I knew what I had to do to get that child and the very thought of it mortified me.

  The girl took her eyes off of Sebastian’s ring and then smiled, turning towards me. “You have a ring, too?”

  I looked at Sebastian who stared at me with so much warmth, and then I looked back at the little girl. “Yes, I have one too,” I whispered, smiling at her.

  “Can I see?” she asked excitedly and I showed her the ring on my finger.

  Even though I couldn’t see his eyes, I felt they were focused on my hand, burning an impression of that ring.

  “Did you buy her that pretty ring?” The little girl kept asking a storm of questions that could only open wounds that were just starting to heal.

  I glanced towards Sebastian, wondering what he would say and sadness washed over me when I saw the flicker of pain in his eyes. “No,” he answered the little girl’s question without taking his eyes off mine. “I didn’t buy her that ring, but I wish I had.”

  His gaze was suddenly so intense that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Blushing, I swallowed and looked away.

  “Madelyn, what did I tell you about leaving the table?” The girl’s mother came to look for her.

  Madelyn pouted her lips and looked at her mother. “Mummy, you’re not supposed to say my name. They are strangers.”

  Sebastian laughed, looking at that little girl, but sadness still lurked in his eyes. Madelyn’s mother pulled her closer and apologized for causing us trouble. While Sebastian courteously told her that little Madelyn wasn’t troubling us in the least, I noticed she looked at him with awe. I had often seen that look on women’s faces when they looked at him and I realized that this man could have any woman he wanted. The drive behind his consistent persistence to work on our marriage had become more unfathomable than ever before.

  Not shortly after Madelyn and her mother left our table, we headed towards the car, pushed by the tension that brewed between us. The thick, heavy air caused by the commotion on the inside, was replaced by the fresh oxygen provided by the peaceful night. While walking through the park, we were again bathed in silence, only now it felt a lot more uncomfortable than the first time.

  “I liked it. I think we should go there more often,” he said with an already present undertone of nostalgia in his voice.

  “Yes, we should,” I agreed, unprepared to hear what he was about to say.

  “That Madelyn was really something, huh?” he asked with a smile. “I would love to have a daughter like her someday,” he said in a normal voice, making small talk, but his words cut deep into my heart.

  I looked at him in wonder. “I always thought you’d want a son. An heir.” There was a hidden pinch of bitterness in my voice.

  The edge of his lips twitched in a light smile as he observed me. “Actually, I’m fonder of having a daughter.” He took a step closer and trained his gaze on my face. “I can imagine her already.” He smiled and took a strand of my hair between his fingers. “Beautiful curly, blonde hair,” he whispered, gazing at me like he was drowning in my eyes. “Wide, captivating chocolate eyes.” His hand slid down my face and I closed my eyes as redness settled on my cheeks. “And the most adorable pair of blushing cheeks.” He came even closer to me and his lips brushed against my ear. “I don’t mind the idea of having a female heir, sweet.” As he stepped away from me, my eyes opened in confusion and met his almost challenging stare. “I love it.”

  “But... But that’s not possible,” I said with mouth wide open in surprise.

  He chuckled. “Why? Because a man who’s been dead for almost one hundred years said so?!”

  I nodded, looking at him with painful regret once I noticed he turned serious again.

  “I don’t care about the contract and even less about his will.” He cupped my face and looked at me with sheer tenderness, leaning his forehead on mine. “This,” he swallowed and kissed my forehead, “is what I care about.” His voice was firm and decisive. “It ends with us, Isabelle. If we ever have children, I’ll make sure that they’re not forced to give up on their lives and dreams just to fulfill the wishes of a lunatic.”

  Dismissing the fact that having children was something I wasn’t even remotely ready for, I thought about how much he was willing to put at stake for the sake of a marriage that still held nothing but uncertainty and it seemed unfair.

  I looked at him, unable to hide my worry. “You might lose everything,” I whispered and looked away.

  He pulled me back towards him and ran his fingers through my hair, captivating me under the spell of his glowing emerald eyes. “You still don’t get it, do you?” As I slowly shook my head, he leaned closer and leaned his soft lips against mine, causing a trembling sensation that spread like fire within me. “You are my everything!”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  That night, when we came home from McDonalds, it was hard for me to fall asleep. Sebastian’s words from earlier kept returning to my mind like a sweet torture. Excitement rose in my system, the images of his caring gestures interchanging before my eyes until the late hours of the night. I remembered how he took me to the movies and bought me a whole new wardrobe to make up for throwing away my clothes Our visit to his grandfather’s estate where he shared all of his childhood stories and even made an amazing breakfast for me, warmed up my heart and a smile sp
read across my face when I thought about the fact that this man, whom I used to consider incapable of producing affection, even sent me flowers when he was closing a business deal in Paris. The proof of his intention to fight for our marriage was undeniably strong and this last tentative surprise made me laugh because I still couldn’t believe he’d actually taken me to McDonald’s. All of those things seemed almost too good to be true, but I didn’t care. With each passing day, we were getting closer to each other and I knew that it was only a matter of time before we started living like a real married couple. Unlike before, the thought somehow seemed a bit less frightening, and I was starting to believe that his patience and reassurance would manage to melt the iceberg of my fear away.

  After a long time of tossing and turning in my bed, I fell asleep, feeling careless and happy with the way my life had been unfolding. The only thing that scared me was the threat that something might take that happiness away.

  ***

  Heavy raindrops colliding against the window woke me up in the morning. I glanced at the grey clouds that stretched along the murky sky and I sighed in disappointment. I hated autumn and I longed for the warmth of the summer when I could spent most of my time outside, avoiding the impression that the walls of that immaculately decorated, yet cold mansion were closing down on me. After spending some time in bed, because there wasn’t much I could do on a rainy day, I finally got up to get dressed and head downstairs for breakfast. The bags on my tired eyes revealed that I hadn’t had much sleep the previous night, but I was too tired and too hungry to hide them with makeup. When I reached the ground floor, I heard flusters and I became aware that Sebastian hadn’t gone to work yet. Suddenly, for some reason, I wished I had made myself somewhat more presentable.

  Almost shyly, I entered the dining room and I felt grateful that he was busy reading his newest issue of The Guardian, just like every other morning. I chuckled at the fact that the newspaper had been so huge that it covered up his entire face. I pulled out a chair and took a seat, convinced that he was completely unaware of my presence.