Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  My face heated as I stood up and hurried out of the room, leaving her alone and baffled after uttering my final warning. As I walked away, I had a good feeling I would never see Antoinette again and while I was happy about that, I also wondered what on earth had possessed me to act that way. What bothered me even more was that it actually felt good to confront somebody who had hurt me and betrayed my trust. As my body trembled from the shock of what I had just done, I tried to suppress the anger, but I knew there was only one thing which could bring me peace so I hurried to my room, got my phone and practically ran in the garden because I couldn’t wait anymore. I couldn’t wait one more second to get it all out.

  The moment I got to the swing chair in the garden I sighed, taking in the sad image of roses that died away under the merciless late autumn cold. Since it was late afternoon, it was already getting misty and it was only a matter of time before the sun completely set, leaving me in the dark, but I had to do this. It was now or never. I grabbed the phone with my shaky hands and dialed the number I hadn’t dared to dial even once since I had been married off to Sebastian. Even though it was cold, beads of sweat ran down my face as the phone rang. Once... Twice... Three times.

  “What a pleasant surprise!” That high-pitched voice sounded through the phone, sending chills down my spine and I froze for a moment, thinking that she still held power over me and that I wouldn’t be able to fight her in order to set myself free.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Moments went by and I tried to say something, but my throat clenched under the pressure and there were so many things I wanted to scream at her at the same time.

  “Is something the matter?” she inquired self-assuredly as always when she realized I wouldn’t speak. “Or has my dear daughter finally decided to call her mother and pay her some respect. I’ve been wondering when you’d do that.”

  Something about her voice and the manner in which she spoke opened the same gate that had pushed me to fire Annette and as defiance and inexplicable detest towards this woman who’d gifted me life only to destroy it for her own selfish motives rose inside of me, I gained the power to settle my accounts with her once and for all.

  “Don’t flatter yourself. Paying respect to someone like you is the last thing on my mind.” I was surprised when I said the words in a calm, clear voice and it encouraged me to add something I had been dying to say. “And don’t waste your breath calling me your daughter because you don’t have one anymore!”

  “Young lady,” she started in her usual demeaning tone. “What gives you the right to talk to me like that? Apologize this instant!” Her deep southern accent brought about some of the worst memories and I sighed into the phone, suddenly feeling discouraged and sad. But I wouldn’t let her bring me down, those days were over!

  “Tell me,” I muttered in a shaky voice that had a strange sense of demand in it, making it abundantly clear that her request for an apology would be denied. “How can you live with yourself? Don’t you have any conscience that keeps you awake at night?” As I said that, all the images of the painful experiences that had crossed my life appeared before my eyes, ironically, because of the one person who should have protected me from them. “Mother...” the term escaped my lips almost involuntarily, but I couldn’t help it. Even now, when I seethed with anger, a part of me longed for her love and acceptance. “Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through?” Despite my strong resolution to stay relentless, the words came out in a broken, almost pleading whisper. I wanted to give her a chance to repent for her sins, but I might as well been trying to evoke compassion from a dead man, because my mother’s heart had been made of stone.

  “Oh, I have an idea, dear. Actually, I have a few. Please, tell me... What is it that’s not to your liking? Is the mansion you live in too big or are the pretty clothes you wear too extravagant for your taste? Or maybe your handsome husband is just too perfect and you’re afraid that—”

  “Enough!” I couldn’t take the sound of her condescending tone any longer. I wouldn’t let it get to me. Not anymore. “How about I do the talking this time? I think it’s only fair to force you to face the truth after all the lies and deceit,” I said in a dignifying voice, without revealing the actual extend of my anger.

  There was a break and I even thought that the line might have been broken, but then I heard her sigh in the phone.

  “The truth?” She sang the words mockingly. “What truth, darling?”

  “The truth about the way you orchestrated the wedding that was never supposed to happen,” I muttered in a cold voice. “The truth about how you sold me to these people like I was a thing you wanted to discard off. And you knew exactly what would happen, didn’t you?” My voice rang with an emotion I couldn’t really place, but it was there and the pressure became stronger with each passing second, consuming my mind with the unwanted bitterness. “How could you force me into Sebastian’s arms, knowing what my debt to him would be? You knew, and still...”

  “Isabelle, what is it that you are accusing me off?” Her voice darkened and she reciprocated by showing the level of her annoyance. “You were always an insolent brat, you know that?” She raised her voice and I could already picture her, shaking her head and nervously tapping her fingers on the nearest surface and I could tell I was right because I heard the annoying sound of her long nails bouncing off of something. “Maybe you would have been better off if I made you marry some drunken hobo from Rosemont, because honestly, you didn’t deserve any better. After all the sacrifices I’ve made. How dare you disrespect me like that?! I gave you everything a girl can wish for and this is how you repay me?”

  The memories of the bitter beginning of my marriage to Sebastian attacked my mind and I stilled for a while, remembering a girl who lived in her own version of a dark, twisted fairytale, completely broken, neglected by everybody and depending on nothing else but terrorizing fear.

  “Everything a girl can wish for?” I asked in disbelief. “You really have no idea what a man is capable of doing when he’s forced to marry a woman he doesn’t want, do you?”

  A loud sigh broke through the phone and my mother’s victorious voice came to the surface. “Oh please, stop complaining. Every woman has to deal with a little discomfort in her marriage.” She didn’t even try to deny my accusations. Instead, she chose to minimize the terrorizing experience I had been through by speaking to me in her falsely reassuring voice and the very sound of it sent shivers down my spine, making me queasy and sick with detest. “Besides, I’m sure that a man like Sebastian is very agreeable—and reasonable when it comes to these things,” she continued in the same sickening tone.

  I clenched my fist, fighting the pain, fighting the urge to scream. It only took a moment—one agonizing moment to deal with the loss. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and silently uttered the final goodbye. After that, there wasn’t any feeling tying me to this evil woman anymore. I felt nothing. Not even resentment.

  “Unfortunately for you, he has been quite reasonable,” I admitted to her as well as to myself for the first time. Despite the fact that he had hurt me, he could have done so much more to enhance my suffering, but didn’t and there was no escaping that truth. “It turns out that prolonging my discomfort didn’t hold his interest as much as you thought it would have.”

  “Oh, my...” She faked her surprise. “Are you telling me that you’ve managed to work your charms on your wealthy husband, after all?” she asked in a condescending tone as if the fact amused her, crushing my last hope that there was any good left in her. “I have to admit that I’m pleasantly surprised, dear, because I didn’t think you had it in you. Why, by the looks of it, you may bless me with a grandson a lot sooner than I thought.”

  “By the looks of it, you can say farewell to your precious money, because I’d rather die than fulfill the terms of that contract.” Even though I tried to control my temper, I practically yelled at her.

  She snickered, dismissing my words and mocking
me with her indifference to them. “I’m sure you would honey, but I think that your beautiful husband looks a bit differently on that matter. You don’t actually think that he wants to stay married to you forever, do you?”

  I swallowed and froze at her words. Even though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t let her get to me, she’d managed to insert doubt and fear into my mind all over again. Willing myself to stay strong, I decided not to cower away, despite the sudden feeling of insecurity that she managed to create in me after all.

  “What if that’s exactly what he wants?” I challenged her in a voice that rang with uncertainty because I was wondering myself if that was indeed what he wanted. Like a vulture lurking in the shadows, she sensed that her prey was slowly giving in.

  “You poor thing... You do believe he will protect you, don’t you?” she said victoriously and I winced. “When will you grow up and realize that men like Sebastian Everett are not to be trusted? Put your faith in him all you want, but at the end of the day, the outcome of your marriage will always be the same... Sooner or later he’ll want you out of his life and it will be my door you’ll be knocking on when that happens.”

  Don’t listen to her! Don’t let her get to you! I repeated the mantra in my head.

  “If you think—” I started speaking in a harsh, decisive voice, but she interrupted me, repossessing the power she held over me for so long.

  “I’d choose my words carefully if I were you, Isabelle,” enjoying torturing me, she paused before adding a final nail to the coffin she’d so meticulously created for me, “I’ll let this little incident slip my mind, but you should treat me with respect in the future unless you want to face the consequences. I’m sure you wouldn’t like to have to explain to your dear sister why disrespect in this family isn’t tolerated.”

  A storm of emotions boiled inside me and I remained silent for a while, contemplating on her warning. Ashley was the reason I’d ended up marrying Sebastian and my mother’s most powerful weapon to keep me in check. Thinking about the possibility that my rebellion could hurt her evoked an overwhelming panic, but I chose to suppress it. I talked myself into calming down and once I could think with a clear head, I realized that this was nothing but yet another attempt to manipulate me and I couldn’t let that happen. Ashley would be eighteen in a few months and if Mother chose to punish her because of me, she didn’t have much time to do it anyway.

  “You can threaten me all you want, Mother but my resolve is still the same. Nothing you say or do can get to me anymore. You’re a thing of the past and whatever the future holds, you won’t be a part of it anymore.” I inhaled a chunk of fresh air and felt liberated. “Don’t get your hopes up because yours would be the last door I would knock on.”

  “We’ll see about that, darling. We’ll see.” She sighed, producing an annoying high pitched noise. “That husband of yours... He’s clever alright.” A condescending chuckle sounded through the phone. “Was he the one who got you to do this little show?”

  Fury rose inside me because she obviously thought I was incapable of standing up or myself. “This may come as a surprise to you, but I don’t need Sebastian to tell me I have a pathetic excuse for a mother.”

  Shivers ran through my body, leaving me in a shock I needed to recover from. I had never dared to speak to her like that and I had a good feeling there would be a retaliation coming my way. Surprisingly, I was wrong.

  “I guess it’s true what they say: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Judging by what’s become of you, it’s quite clear that he’s been keeping you very, very close to his side,” she sang the words mockingly.

  “I’m sure you would know,” I spoke in a melancholic tone filled with indifference. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you a single word because your little spy has already told you everything.”

  “Spy?!” She burst in a fit of laughter, but it was the nervous kind which told me she knew exactly what I was referring to. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “I’m not being ridiculous. I think I’m making sense for the first time in my life. What kind of a mother sells her child? If you had any sense of decency, you would have escorted yourself out of my life long before we had this conversation.” I gasped a smile, realizing that I was indeed being ridiculous. “But you don’t have even a bit of shame, decency or motherly instinct in your body, have you? It’s all been sucked away by greed!”

  The words must have stung her because her usually instant and clever reply seemed to have been missing this time.

  “What would you know about what it feels like to be a mother of a child who represents the loss of every single one of your dreams?” Her voice was serious, yet there were traces of resentment that seemed to have been buried deep inside her. “You want the truth? I’ll give you the truth!” she said fiercely. “I never wanted you. You’re a consequence of an incident that was never supposed to happen.”

  It should have hurt to hear her say those words; her sharp knife should have left a terrible, bloody wound—but it didn’t. When she realized I wouldn’t dignify her cruel confession with a response, she simply decided to add some oil to the already raging fire, eager to burn the remains of the bridges between us. It didn’t matter anymore, because that feeling was entirely mutual.

  “Don’t whine to me about being forced into a marriage because I know fine well what it means to be married to a man you despise in order to avoid a public scandal.” Her voice was silent, but filled with terrifying hatred and contempt, making me understand what she was trying to say. “I was supposed to get married to a man who worked for a rich family in New York and move away from this dump—make something of myself. Things were lined up for me perfectly, but then...” As she paused I became aware that she had just revealed her ties to the Everett family. That man she talked about must have been the one who informed her about the fact that Sebastian was getting married. “Only one night with that drunken scum of your father resulted in you, and just like that my entire life was ruined.”

  Those last words made me realize the extent of her hatred. This woman was filled with loathing and resentment that seethed off her like venom. Indeed, she was a monster, incapable to feel or show affection. Now more than ever, I wondered about the roots of her selfishness that made her see only herself and nobody else. Ruining people’s lives held no importance to her and her complete lack of self-reflection and compassion towards those she had wronged, left me bewildered. The image of my father when I was little and the man who died only a couple of years after appeared before my eyes and suddenly I understood that man perfectly. In an attempt to bury his sorrow because just like mine, his need for love and affection from Elisa Walsh had been rebuffed, he turned into an alcoholic and ended up paying with his life for loving my mother. But I wouldn’t share his destiny. I couldn’t let her pull me back into the dark pit of despair. A string between a mother and a daughter was never to be broken, but the fact that we’d probably never shared that sacred connection to begin with, made it all the easier for me to bring this to an end.

  “I’m sorry you had to marry the man you didn’t choose for yourself.” I sighed, fighting to stay calm. “But that still doesn’t justify your hatred and resolve to hurt me with the intention of ruining my life. I know you’ll never admit your mistakes and ask for my forgiveness.” I paused, realizing that I was talking to the wind, the trees and dried out roses because she wouldn’t hear me. No matter how much I tried to get to her, she always chose not to hear me. Still, even though she refused to acknowledge me with her love, I needed closure because that was the only thing that could bring me relief. “But you have it all the same.” She breathed nervously, ready to attack me with her bitterness again, but I raised my voice as a warning that I didn’t want her to interrupt me. “Don’t worry, I realize that I can’t make you understand any more than I can make you love me.”

  As if there was a piece of her heart that wasn’t rotting away under the scrutiny of hatred, she produced a sad
sigh, trying to show that there was a part of her that wasn’t completely made of stone. But I knew her all too well and before she even said anything, I realized she simply wanted to guilt trip me into doing her bidding again.

  “All I ever did was driven by love, Isabelle.” The words she spoke in a quiet, humble voice demonstrated I was right. The very thought that she managed to get me to believe her with similar acts so many times, made my blood boil. “It’s the only way I know how to be.”

  “I don’t think so, Mother,” I said quietly. “You’re not capable of producing that emotion.”

  “Oh, really?” She said in a firm, challenging voice. “May I remind you that I am a respected member of the church? Would a person who is incapable to love, pray for the less fortunate and help those in need? All my life, I’ve been making sacrifices for others and you can accuse me all you like, but my conscience is clear. One cannot be held accountable for evil which emerged from good intentions.”

  Swallowing, I actually smiled as I realized how deliberately delusional she was being. The religious freak that was, I could imagine that she believed in her words, being completely oblivious to the fact that she had already sinned way beyond the point where she could redeem herself.

  “You can pray to your saints all you like and go to church every single day, but nothing will save your rotten soul, Mama.” It was the first time I referred to her with that term of endearment and it would be the last. “You will burn in hell for what you’ve done to me!”

  With those words, I hung up the phone; the one she got for me the day when Mrs. Moran first came to visit. Glancing at it, I realized I wanted absolutely nothing of hers in my presence so I threw it away, discarding of it without a glimpse of regret. Then, I got up off the swing chair and headed back towards the house. As I walked through the thick, white mist, I held my head up high, feeling like I had turned a new page in my life because Elisa Walsh held absolutely no power over me anymore. Somehow, deep down I knew that it wasn’t the end of it. She would do whatever it takes to ensure my compliance in her twisted plan, but I also knew that I wouldn’t go down without a fight and the revelation evoked the sense of immediate relief.