Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  ***

  Within minutes, I reached the mansion and opened the front door, entering the dark and quiet space that was filled with so many painful memories, but I was certain they wouldn’t make me cower away anymore. I dragged myself upstairs, feeling exhausted and wanting nothing more than to sleep through the rest of the day even though it wasn’t that late.

  The moment I got inside the silent solitude of my room, I took off my shoes and lowered my body on the bed, instantly closing my eyes and praying for the sleep to come. But given the events of the day, falling asleep was everything but easy. For a long time, I tossed and turned in bed as some kind of inexplicable restlessness continued torturing my mind. No matter how hard I tried to block out the dark thoughts, they would still come to torture me in the dead of the night. For the longest time, I remained lying in my bed, with eyes wide open, trapped between the worlds of reality and dreams. As I willed myself to think happy thoughts, which would help me sink deeper into a captivating daze, an image of a smiling man with soft, satin bronze skin, black hair and the most captivating, shining, emerald gaze danced before my eyes and I had to inhale a chunk of the stale air that lurked around me, to keep my heart from beating out of my chest because only one thought consumed my mind—I both missed and needed him now. The fact that I could run away for millions of miles and alter my ego hundreds of times made me realize that everything about me could change, but one thing would always remain the same. Without a doubt, I was capable of blocking out everything and everybody, but not that man.

  “Where are you, Sebastian?” I whispered into thin air, calling for him with the yearning need that was stronger than ever before.

  To my complete astonishment, only moments after that silent plea escaped my lips, the familiar, muffled melody of the piano traveled in my direction, making me think I was hallucinating. With the determination to prove to myself that I wasn’t losing my mind, I sat up, covering my ears with my hands to block the sound, which I was sure would be gone by the time I removed them. Focusing on nothing but the silence, I counted to ten and removed my hands only to be welcomed by that captivating music again. The sound of its allure spread everywhere around me, pulling me towards it like magnet, inviting me to find its source because my heart knew it would lead me to that man with the shiny eyes that might have been dangerous and flawed, but it didn’t matter because he had already captured my soul. As if I was sleepwalking, I got up to follow the sound of the most beautiful composition that filled me with hope and gave me the peace of mind I had searched for so long. This was my sanctuary and I had to take the risk. I had to find him.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  The magical sound of the piano became louder as I descended the stairs, cautiously brushing my hands along the wall to get a sense of orientation until the dark got broken by a glimpse of light emerging from that same room where I found him playing long ago, when seeking him had been the last thing on my mind.

  As I approached the door, savoring the echoing sounds of the notes that created the melody which evoked warm reassurance as well as painful melancholy within me, I knew that I would kill the magic of the moment as soon as I entered that room, so for a while, I just stood there, waiting, hesitating and absorbing every sound like it was a spring of life from which I drank in order to survive. Letting go, I leaned on the wall, closing my eyes and surrendering to the familiar sensation that streamed through my body in hot, overwhelming waves. In a moment, I was swept away by the passion that emerged from this bewitching piece of music spreading through the silky, black veil of silence so calmly and effortlessly, my heart pounded in a crazy rhythm. I could already feel Sebastian’s presence. To my great disappointment, the man I sought out suddenly seemed to press the keys with amazing caution and tenderness, announcing the slow ending of the beautiful melody. As he produced the last sounds that soothed my soul and brought about an immense feeling of unexpected joy, I became aware that I was moving towards the door, pulled by invisible strings carrying my body, pulling me closer to the remains of the music, still echoing through the dark, leading me straight to its creator.

  In accord with the last note, I slowly opened my eyes, absorbing the final vibration of the charming sound as Sebastian’s graceful, wide form appeared in front of my small and fragile one. Unaware of his movement, I only registered that one moment I was alone and the next, he was standing in front of me, keeping a safe distance, like he was afraid to come as much as an inch closer. When I looked up at him, I realized he was staring at me in confusion as if he had seen a ghost.

  In the quiet calmness of the late night hour, we just stared at each other, taking our time, observing the features of our faces and comparing them to the sketches in our memory, like we were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years. After a while, when the pressure became overwhelming, we both drew in a breath and spoke at the same time, almost like we could read each other’s minds.

  “I’m sorry if I—”

  “I couldn’t—”

  “woke you up—“

  “sleep.” The sound of his low voice intertwined with the words I uttered in one soft breath.

  Instantly, we smiled at each other and it felt like nothing had changed. He was the same sweet man who took me to the movies and I was that same girl on the brink of surrender who slowly allowed him to take over her heart.

  “What kept you awake?” He asked with caution, like he prepared himself to hear the unwanted answer.

  I shrugged, brushing off my insomnia as being insignificant because I wanted to offer him reassurance. “Just a lot on my mind, I guess.”

  He took in a deep breath and confronted me with his green gaze which radiated a spectrum of emotions, none of which seemed to have been happiness. “I understand.”

  He produced a weak smile on his face and my eyes darted towards the piano because it hurt to see him in that state. As I explored the imposing size of the instrument, my gaze froze on the half-filled glass of red wine, and I recognized the same scene from the last time I had heard him play in that room.

  “Don’t worry. I won’t be offering you any alcohol tonight.” His low voice transcended into a warm teasing whisper that seemed to have cost him a lot of effort.

  As I looked at him again, the thought of the excruciating events of the day crept in my mind and made me reflect on my new found determination to make a change in my life. It meant that I had to try and defeat all of my boundaries and fears, one at a time. And what better time to start then now?

  “Actually,” I smiled, fully aware of Sebastian’s probable reaction to what I was about to say, “I think I would like a glass of wine.”

  Just as expected, his eyes narrowed at me, conducting a silent interrogation. “Isabelle, is something wrong?” he asked with a mixture of worry and curiosity. “Besides the obvious, I mean,” he added in a light voice.

  “Everything is fine, Sebastian.” I started in a firm and clear voice, but couldn’t help the urge to whisper his name, gulping and relishing in the sensation provided by the feeling of its syllables rolling down my lips. I swallowed, suppressing the need to laugh because he was so bad at hiding his shock. “Why?”

  He chuckled, relaxing a bit at last. “It just isn’t like you to drink wine—or seek me out in the middle of the night,” he said with a playfulness that held traces of a serious admission.

  “Well, I’ve decided to give it a try,” I whispered with self-assurance.

  Something sparked in his eyes and he smiled mysteriously, walking away without adding another word.

  The scent of his cologne remained in the air, and strange enough, even though he was gone for only a few moments, I already missed him. Shaking my head to dismiss the silly thoughts that formed in my head, I wrapped my arms around my middle and walked towards the window. A thick shade of darkness covered up the already gloomy sky, and if it hadn’t been for the full moon that emerged through the murky fog, the scenery outside would have been entirely black and soulless. The
boring skyline had been stripped of its night decorations and I found it disappointing that there wasn’t a single star on the sky. The day had already been awfully bad, why would the night be any better? Glancing away from the depressing view, I looked towards the door to see if Sebastian had returned, but there was no sign of him yet. Suddenly, the quiet atmosphere was interrupted by the sounds coming from the outside. My eyes darted back at the night sky and I was awestruck by the sight in front of me.

  A large flock of birds, flying so high they managed to create the illusion that it was crossing right over the shiny moon. I smiled at the bewildering scene in front of me. Some things are a rarity on their own and when they cross your way, you know they will never cross it again. This was one of those once-in-a-lifetime things. Following the movement of hundreds of birds trying to find their way through darkness, I secretly envied them for the unconditional freedom they obtained with such ease and smoothness.

  “Here you go.” The appeal of Sebastian’s voice enhanced by a pleasantness of his hand touching my shoulder, managed to wake me from deep thoughts and I turned to face him. “A glass of sweet red wine for an incredibly sweet girl.” He winked and handed me a half-filled glass.

  I took a sip of its contents, observing Sebastian’s smile as I slowly swallowed the liquid that filled me with inexplicable feeling of warmth and unfamiliar sense of courage. I didn’t know how it felt for others, but I already felt intoxicated.

  Longingly, I turned around because I wanted to observe the birds for a while longer, even though they were almost gone from the horizon. As I gazed at the sky once again, Sebastian stood behind me and joined me. He was at a safe distance, making sure that he didn’t touch me in any way, and yet he was close enough for me to feel the warmth of the captivating energy that seethed off of his body. I let out a shaky breath, fighting the threat of being affected by his presence more than I would have liked. Silence reigned the tight space between us as we focused our attention on the passing flock, keeping our thoughts to ourselves.

  “Where do you think they fly to?” I asked in a quiet voice, uncovering my course of thoughts.

  Sebastian shrugged and although I couldn’t see him, I felt that he was smiling behind me. “I don’t think they have a specific destination. I think they are looking for something and once they find what they’re looking for, they settle down,” he pondered, almost as if his mind had wandered off with the birds.

  A short-lived smile escaped my lips. “And what is it that they’re looking for?” I asked with genuine curiosity, wondering how the world looked like from their perspective.

  “What do we all search for?” He replied in a soft voice. “Happiness... acceptance... friendship...” He swallowed, taking a small break before whispering that alluring word. “Love.”

  I turned to face him and at first I regarded him with a serious expression, but then I chuckled softly and shook my head at him. “You’re being awfully melodramatic,” I said in a teasing voice and he stilled for a while, looking at me in a strange way, which I would have described almost as silent pride for the lack of a better word.

  “You can’t blame a guy for trying,” he said smartly and then narrowed his eyes at me in a playful manner. “Maybe I’m wrong, but you’re sparkling with some kind of a new aura,” he said puzzled, and smiled. “And I like it very much, sweet.”

  His eyes were trained on me for moments after he said that and I started blushing under his infatuating green gaze. Looking away, I thought some things, such as my childish reactions to his compliments, would never change.

  “I fired Antoinette,” I blurted out half-conscious because I needed to say something to break the overwhelming, tension-filled silence, and now the words were out I realized that once again my tongue had been faster than my brain.

  Part of me became slightly nervous, because I had fired a member of staff without consulting him about it first, and now I felt a bit guilty, thinking that he might be upset about it. But once he rewarded me with a warm smile, I relaxed because Annette being gone didn’t seem to bother him in the least.

  “I know,” he revealed and offered an explanation when I gaped at him, caught in complete wonder. “Anne told me.”

  Theresa’s words sprang to my mind and I realized she had actually made a good point that time she tortured me with her evil remarks in the dining room.

  “I heard that news travel fast around here,” I said teasingly, taking another sip of wine.

  “It sure does,” Sebastian asserted self-confidently, his eyes vividly following the movement of my glass. “And even if it didn’t, nothing that goes around here escapes my eyes, sweetness.”

  Sweetness. The silent echo of his raspy voice travelled to my ears, spreading the warmth along my cheeks. I didn’t know if it was the wine or the simple fact that I felt happy in his presence, but I smiled at him and bluntly returned the favor.

  “You know, you’re quite sweet yourself... And beautiful,” I breathed, taking a closer look at my husband. “And... And handsome,” I added softly, blushing like a little girl and causing him to fall into a fit of light, teasing laughter.

  “Is that so?” he asked in a light voice, still smiling.

  I nodded and smiled back at him. “Sebastian, I think I like you,” I whispered in a hot breath and suddenly turned serious. “I think I like you a lot.”

  Saying those words, made me feel a bit embarrassed, but I didn’t look away from him.

  The already familiar melody of his vibrating laughter filled the room and he leaned closer to me, forgetting all about the safe distance that kept him from me so far. “If it’s any consolation...” His gaze turned into fire that burned through my skin, devouring every part of me without actually touching me. “I like you a lot, too.” He winked at me and caressed my cheek with excruciating slowness, prolonging the contact by forcing his palm to linger on my skin for as long as possible.

  Goose bumps danced on my skin and warmth radiated where he had touched me as I slowly looked up to face him. He gazed at me with a broken, yearning stare, like this innocent action made him realize that he wanted to touch me for so long and I wanted him to. God, I wanted him to.

  I swallowed, closing my eyes while trying to deal with the feeling of his unexpected touch. Even the most innocent caress made me feel something so powerful that it couldn’t be described as a separate feeling, but a spectrum of all kinds of different emotions. After I remained standing at the same spot for a while, he frowned and took one step closer to me. It was enough to turn my legs to jelly. When I opened my eyes and met his gaze, I knew that he was aware of the reaction he was causing within me.

  Smiling lightly, he leaned even closer and I held my breath when his scent traveled in my direction. “I know that I shouldn’t, but I want to kiss you so badly right now,” he whispered.

  Training my eyes on his full, inviting lips, I realized that was exactly what I wanted him to do. “Kiss me, then...” I said in one breath, waiting for his lips to touch mine.

  As our breaths collided, a shivering current rushed through my body, evoking a tingling sensation all over my skin. Inviting, my body rose closer to him and that was all the confirmation he needed. Pulling me into a captivating embrace, his lips crashed against mine and I was taken into a colorful world of sheer passion. He had never kissed me like that before, without hesitation or painful restraint. His kiss had managed to consume all of me—body, mind and soul. If he had asked for it, I would have given him everything at that moment. But he didn’t ask. He didn’t push me any further. Showing admirable restraint, he only stole a kiss even though I was sure he sensed he could have taken a lot more if he wanted to. By the time he moved away, we were both panting for air, our thoughts still in the kiss. We were still connected to each other. He didn’t have to say a word. I knew what he felt—I could see it in his eyes.

  His hand brushed along my deeply flushed cheeks and his emerald eyes pierced through mine as he observed me in awe. “God, you’re be
autiful,” he said in one breath, without blinking, without taking his eyes off mine. He looked at me with so much honesty, reassurance and consolation, holding me under the power of his transparent gaze. Then he smiled sadly and caressed my hair in a touch that was light as a feather. “You don’t know how much I want to take away your fears,” he said in a silent voice that rang with hidden desperation. He leaned just a bit closer and kissed my temple, inhaling my scent with lingering restraint like it caused him pain. “I would like to erase all those memories that make you tremble in my arms.” He leaned his forehead on mine and his pleading whisper broke through me into a thousand fractured pieces. “I ache for you, Isabelle.”

  In that moment, I became aware how much self-control he had to have had to keep his promise. Even though we had been married for months, our marriage had only been consummated once. The memories of the time when he was a monster fled from the hidden corners of my mind and I was confronted with the fact that even then, despite all of his dreadful threats and un-kept sordid promises, he had never once tried to get me to be intimate with him after that night. His words from not that long ago returned as a challenging memory. There’s only so much a man can take. As I contemplated on my next action, trying to collect courage, the conversation I had with my mother suddenly haunted my mind like a torturing demon, but I refused to let her ruin me from afar. If I had to choose to put my faith in someone, it would be Sebastian. Without thinking about what I was about to do, I looked at him with trust I prayed he wouldn’t betray and with painful slowness, I undid a couple of the buttons on my thin dress.