Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  “Isabelle...” He looked at me. My action had startled him.

  “It’s okay.” I tried to say firmly, but my voice came out in a shaky whisper.

  With one soft touch, he tilted up my chin and let his eyes roam along the contours of my face, almost as if he wanted to figure out what was going through my mind. After a few moments, he gave up his inspection and focused his gaze on my chin, observing the very spot where his hand touched me. Then, in a split second, those green eyes that always shone with mysterious light snapped wide open and pierced right into mine. His stare was a raging storm, guided by obvious desire so powerful it made me gulp in a mild consternation. I couldn’t have mistaken that gaze for anything else because it had been engraved in my memory. It’s exactly how he looked at me that night... The only reassurance that made all the difference in the world was that back then his gaze had been guided by darkness, whereas now there was so much light and besides the strong presence of the carnal lust he couldn’t escape, his eyes gleamed with another emotion hidden in the background of their emerald depths. Nevertheless, it was undoubtedly there, offering me something to lean on.

  “Isabelle, if you knew...” He leaned his forehead on mine, whispering softly like he fell in a trance. “If you knew how much I feel.”

  In one swift movement, his hand dropped from my chin as he uttered those words and then, he gently picked me up in his arms, declining to postpone his aching torture any longer. As he carried me to his room, I closed my eyes, clenching onto him, trying to think about all the sweet gestures and the reassurance he provided me with. I focused on his scent—a mixture of his cologne and something raw that was simply him. I held onto a string of salvation he seemed to offer so patiently and sweetly, but as if the devil himself came to torture my mind, the memory of the dreadful pain that I felt after that one and only time kept appearing in frightening flashes, bringing forth the fear of the unknown, the fear of the pain that I could experience again... Very soon.

  As he lowered my body on the bed, in a panicked attempt to chase away the gloomy memories, my eyes snapped open and I saw him—my husband—staring at me like I was made of glass. Like one simple touch could break me into million pieces.

  “You’re trembling,” he said softly and removed a strand of tangled up hair from my face. “Are you afraid?”

  It was the same question he had asked before, when he mocked my fear and my tears, only now it was asked in a voice that was filled with patience and compassion. “You’re frightened,” he whispered after I shook my head, offering a weak and barely noticeable reply.

  Knowing I was about to crumble under the immense pressure, I tried to look away from him, but he gently caught my face between his fingers, trying to get me to calm down, to simply let go and trust him.

  “Please, don’t,” he whispered and as I looked up at him, his hand slid down on the unbuttoned opening of my nightgown and although it shouldn’t have, it took me by complete surprise. The sudden dread I hadn’t felt for so long, took hold of me as I closed my eyes, expecting him to undo the remaining buttons. “Shh.” The thumb of his other hand brushed against my lips when I let out a small moan of protest. “Don’t.” He kissed the bridge of my nose. “Don’t be afraid, my love... “

  With headstrong persistence, I kept telling myself that he was my husband and that it was okay. I continued repeating that this time there wouldn’t be any pain. Still, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake off the thought that I might not like what he was about to do to me, but I didn’t want to deny him. Not this time. I kept my eyes closed, but I could still feel his piercing glare on me. I waited. I prayed not to break down when he took hold of one of the remaining buttons. “I’ll show you how it’s supposed to be, angel.” My cheeks flushed, betraying me and I swallowed in unnerving anticipation. Sebastian’s fingers moved and I gasped as he did the last thing I expected and slowly buttoned up my dress. “One day, soon sweetheart. Don’t be afraid. Tonight I only want to hold you in my arms.” He finished his sentence in a soft whisper, but with obvious frustration and I opened my eyes, in complete shock by what he had done.

  I lowered my gaze, utterly ashamed by my fearful reaction. Why was I such a coward? Why could I stand up to my mother with so much bravery, but still couldn’t endure to be intimate with a man who meant everything to me? I felt like a failure, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

  Drawing in a breath, I said his name, trying to defy my weakness and falsely reassure him that I wasn’t afraid, even though I still trembled in his arms. “Sebastian, please. I want...”

  “Shh,” he interrupted me, laying a soft caress on my cheek, before I got a chance to say anything else. “Don’t ask me to take something you’re not ready to give, Isabelle.” He closed his eyes as if he was making an oath. “I promise I will always fulfill each and every one of your wishes, but don’t ask me to do something that might hurt you. It’s a risk I cannot take, love.” He opened his eyes and looked at me like he was in pain. “Besides, I would like to take care of some important things first. I don’t want any doubts or insecurities between us.” Pulling me into a tight embrace, he kissed the top of my head and whispered the words that melted my heart even though I didn’t have the slightest idea of their true meaning. “When I make love to you for the first time, I want it to be real. I want you to give yourself completely, knowing that you can truly trust me with your heart and soul for sacred eternity.”

  The extend of Sebastian’s understanding and compassion took my breath away, and I blinked in disbelief, feeling guiltier than ever for not being able to be the kind of wife who would be able to reward his traits in a suitable manner.

  “You’ve been so patient. You’ve been so kind. You deserve someone who can make you happy. Someone who can...” I swallowed as the shame caused by my failed attempt to get over my fear returned to haunt me.

  He didn’t even blink before he answered. “I already have that someone.” In a gesture that confirmed the sincerity of his words, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly, resting my tired head on his shoulder. The feeling of warmth and comfort spread through my body as his fingers softly ran through my hair, massaging my scalp and taking away the tension. He leaned even closer and kissed my temple, before whispering in my ears. “There is no need to look for something that’s right in my arms. I would never leave you, Isabelle,” he said firmly and a small, mysterious smile curved his lips as his voice turned into a hot whisper. “One cannot live without a heart. One cannot live without a soul. You took them both.”

  I swallowed and my voice became heavy with pressure. “But what if I never...” I chocked on a lump of fear.

  “Shh, don’t worry. We’ll get there, love. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but we’ll get there real soon. I promise.”

  There was so much protection, reassurance and compassion in his soft gaze that I had no other option but to trust and lean on him. I broke my word and I’d shown weakness, but maybe he was right. Maybe things would fall into place of their own accord.

  As my head fell onto his chest, he embraced me with his strong arms, offering me shelter. “I missed you so much,” he breathed, holding me tighter, inhaling the scent of my hair. “Sweet torture... I can’t believe you’re finally here, next to me”

  My eyelids dropped as he started a series of light caresses that spread along my entire body with such precision that it felt like he knew every spot that could help me relax and make me shiver in his arms from something entirely different than fear. His lips gently traveled from my forehead—exploring, sensing and burning with every small kiss he laid on my temple, my cheeks, the corner of my lips and my chin. After such a long time, we shared a bed together and only at this moment of heavenly pleasure he was providing me with, did I realize that this was the first time I was about to sleep next to him feeling safe and blessed in his embrace. And while the ultimate goal I yearned to offer him as a gift still seemed to be out of our reach, this intimat
e situation seemed to have been something we could use as the first step towards it and the revelation supplied me with a sense of relief.

  Sensation of disarming calmness took hold of me as I let myself go, enjoying every feeling, every kiss, every touch. Slowly, I drowned in the sea of his tenderness; taking deep even breaths as if I was asleep, but I was still conscious of everything he did to me.

  With fragile sensitivity, he leaned above me and I could feel his gaze piercing through my closed eyelids. I could sense the vibration of his lips trembling above mine, but I didn’t move—didn’t make a sound. Patiently, I waited in sweet anticipation and when he parted his lips, I felt the fresh breeze of his breath on my delicate skin.

  “I love you, princess,” he whispered the unexpected words in one desperate, shaky breath which was filled with so much disarming affection that it touched the deepest part of my heart and one revealing tear slid down my face at the very moment he leaned down to kiss me. “Forever.”

  His fragile, silky voice filled my ears as his lips gently brushed against mine, then moved towards my left cheek, kissing away the teardrop that stained my flushed cheek. He knew I had heard him. For a short while he stared at me, without doing anything else except for curiously observing the features of my face. When I swallowed hard under the power of the feelings he had evoked in me, he leaned the palm of his hand on my warm skin in one soft touch. Then he lay next to me, pulling me towards him and carefully leaning my back against his strong, warm chest. He wrapped one of his arms around my abdomen while his lips nuzzled against my hair, still laying incredibly pleasant, soft kisses and whispering warm reassurances.

  Something warmed around my heart and I repeated the word in my mind before drifting away into the most beautiful sleep. Forever.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  The shiny rays of the sun danced on my face and spread through my closed eyelids, making me see the shadows of fiery red. Enjoying the feeling of warmth and protection, I decided to sink back into the world of comforting dreams because I wanted nothing more than to prolong this experience of heavenly bliss. To think that sleeping in his bed and waking up in his arms would make me feel like I was floating in a soft, silky cocoon that guarded me from any harm, felt surreal. It was a commonly accepted belief that people with our past could never find a way to coexist together because the mere thought that we could ever produce enough light to chase away all the darkness from our memories, fought the very conception of what was considered possible. And yet there we were, peacefully sleeping in each other’s arms, producing the light, fighting the laws of common sense and dancing on the realm of possible.

  As his fingers—still gently pressed against my abdomen—started moving in a light circling motion again, the warm feeling that spread along the ticklish surface of my skin became overwhelming and I couldn’t suppress the giggle that threatened to come out with a loud annunciation. At first, I squeezed my lips and closed my eyes, trying to keep the impression that I was still asleep, but with each moment I was losing the battle and as my stomach started moving up and down, I buried my head in the pillow and started laughing as quietly as I could, but it was still loud enough for him to hear me. With incredible sensitivity, he pulled me even closer to him, until my back collided with his firm and warm chest. While I continued suppressing my giggle with an obvious effort, he stopped touching me and as his nose nuzzled against my loose hair and travelled through its golden strands, I stilled in his arms, not making a single sound. Those soft lips were fixated right above my ear and I inhaled deeply, waiting to be burned by his hot breath.

  “Too late, sweetness, I know you’re awake,” he whispered in a sleepy voice and slowly turned me around to face him.

  Invited by his soothing scent, my eyes snapped open and met the illuminating sunrise in his deep, emerald gaze. More than ever before, there was life in his eyes and unlike the previous night when he wore a tortured expression after playing that captivating melody, now he appeared to be filled with so much joy that exploded in those shiny, green jewels. Carried away by the way he looked at me, I allowed myself to become his willing prisoner and the only weapon I could use against him was a small smile of genuine helplessness.

  “I forgot that nothing escapes your eyes, Mr. Everett,” I teased him in a barely audible voice and he chuckled, placing the palm of his hand on my face.

  “Oh, Mrs. Everett, you have yet to learn how vigilant and protective I am of what’s mine.”

  “Then I guess I’ll have to be on my best behavior.” I looked at him in playful defiance.

  “That’s alright, angel. I don’t think I want you on your best behavior,” he whispered seductively and for a moment he seemed to be caught up by something. I didn’t have to wait long to find out what it was. “Did you really fire Antoinette?” He still couldn’t believe I was actually capable of such a thing.

  “I did,” I replied and then revealed something I was sure escaped his watchful eyes. “I also told my mother she can go to hell.” Sebastian’s smile slowly turned into a straight line and like he was taken aback by what I had told him and even though I didn’t laugh, I thought it was really funny. “Well, not in those exact words, but she got the point.” I joked to ease the sudden tension.

  His frowning expression told me he connected the dots which made him understand why the two awful events took place at the very same day and suddenly I observed him with mild trepidation. Like someone who knew me in depth, he chose to respect the glare in my eyes which told him I didn’t want him to ask for answers which were already obvious.

  Instead of pushing the painful topic further, he laughed softly, making an apparent effort to regain the comfortable atmosphere between us. “You seem to be on a roll, sweet. Are you going to send me to hell as well?” he asked in half-serious voice, starting one of his funny mind games and I gladly took the bait.

  “Hmm,” I pretended to give it a serious thought and then I looked at him tenderly. “I’ll have to think about it.”

  “You’re bluffing,” he challenged like he could read my mind.

  “What makes you so sure?” I raised my eyebrows, but kept the smile on my face.

  “A number of things,” he said self-assuredly.

  I looked at him with mild curiosity. “Such as?”

  While his hand slid down my face in one uninterrupted, gentle touch, his eyes followed it and then quickly returned to mine the moment his gaze reached the edge of my collarbone. “For one, you’re too kind,” he said in a quiet voice, “and I’m too adorable for my own good.” He winked at me and then his face formed a light expression, revealing a true picture of his inner state.

  “Did anyone ever tell you you’re the most conceited person at the face of the earth?” I shook my head and stared at him with infatuation.

  To my surprise, a wide smile graced his beautiful face and for the first time I noticed little dimples at the corners of his lips. Beautiful.

  “No, not really,” he replied softly, pretending to think about it. “Actually, I’ve been told that I was sweet.” As I took in a breath, recognizing the words I’d said to him the previous night, he kissed my forehead and confronted me with his powerful gaze again. A smile danced on his lips when he noticed a deep shade of red settling on my cheeks and the playfulness in his eyes made it clear he wasn’t about to stop the sweet torture. “Beautiful.” The word held a double meaning and his gaze paused on my parted lips, observing as I took in small, shallow breaths. “And handsome.”

  I cleared my throat. “And who told you that?”

  “A certain beauty who likes me... a lot,” he accentuated the words with one hot breath that traveled to my skin in a light breeze and the shade of crimson red returned on my face, causing him to fall in a fit of contagious laughter. After a few moments, when the laughter subsided, he still looked at me with tenderness and I felt I was blossoming under his warm gaze.

  He actually grinned and leaned closer, deliberately teasing me with his undeniable appe
al. His lips got so close that they were almost touching mine, but he kept them at this almost invisible distance quite consciously, and it made the torturing anticipation all the more unbearable.

  In order to control the sudden loud beating of my heart, I started a round of foolish babbling. “Well, she forgot to tell you that you’re really childish,” I gulped when I took in the features of his breathtaking face, “and dangerous.”

  His eyebrows arched and his nose snuggled against mine, making me gasp in sudden excitement. “Sounds like a great combination. I think I’ll take it as a compliment,” he muttered and then kissed me softly, only grazing my lips, but it was enough to make me shiver.

  A smile appeared on his face and he seemed to have enjoyed the easiness with which he could make me yield to him.

  “You really are arrogant, Sebastian,” I teased, pretending that his small kiss didn’t faze me as much as it did.

  “No sweet, not arrogant.” His lips moved when he spoke and it caused them to brush against mine one more time. “Helpless...”

  As goose bumps exploded all over my skin, I felt exactly that—helpless and at his mercy. Then, he looked up at me, waiting for permission to continue, and since I knew he wouldn’t push me past my boundaries, I gave it to him without delay, thinking that I probably wanted this even more than he did. Gently, he deepened the kiss until I gave in and our breaths intertwined in one sweet substance that left us hungry for more after he slowed the rhythm of the kiss, capturing my upper lip between his lips and then reluctantly moved away from me.

  His shiny eyes bored into me. “I could wake up like this every morning, princess,” he whispered softly and a shiver rushed through me as his sweet exclamation of love from the previous night rang in my ears again. I love you, princess.