The Power of Presence
Page 28
Candace says other than losing Cody as a baby, she has few regrets in her life, including not finishing college.
To me, there’s something much deeper as far as humanity. I don’t know if that’s part of my Native American way of thinking, but I’ve gone to college and to me, I don’t think it really was the answer to my heart because it didn’t answer the question about how it was going to make me a better person or change how I interact with the world. Instinctively, I’m a helper. I’m a learner with peers, with teams. I like discussion and I like thinking about big and small stuff. My degree is in life, humanity, and people. When I die, it will be my children and others who say how I mattered to this world, not my credentials. Passing on a value system that made my children good and caring human beings is the legacy I want to leave.
LESSON FROM A LIONESS: Establish a value system in your home, one that is culturally relevant and rich in family history.
In the 1990s, researchers at Emory University conducted a series of studies comparing how much children knew about their families and culture and how they fared emotionally. They found that the children who “knew the most about their family histories showed higher self-esteem, a stronger sense of control over their lives and believed that their families were healthier and more successful.” This is great intelligence for all families but for single-mother families, it takes on even greater importance because children may have limited access to information from both sides of their family. Casey Call, PhD, from the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University, says that whoever passes on this cultural information must do it in a way that engages the children. “I think you have to make it authentic, and it has to address what they’re currently going through. Sitting down and giving a history lesson to the family isn’t probably going to be as well received as finding authentic, natural times within conversations to tell stories.”
Suggestions on how to do this include:
Relate family stories to what is going on in the moment. For example, during a discussion of a problem at school, talk about an uncle who experienced that issue. Or when a story about a country that’s part of the child’s background comes on TV, tell the tale of a relative who came from there and what life was like.
Display photos of grandparents and great-grandparents around the house and tell stories about their lives as you pass by them, in an organic way.
Turn it into a game. Deanna Mason from Plano, Texas, created something called “ancestor cards” with a relative’s picture on one side and simple facts about that person on the back. She then played them with her children like flash cards.
Create an ancestor scrapbook that relatives can contribute to and can be shared, with the stories behind the photos, at family gatherings.
It wasn’t until Candace connected with her heritage and its value system that she could set a course for her life and those of her children. By looking back, she gained the strength to confidently move forward.
Conclusion
The Lakota Prayer
Wakan Tanka, Great Mystery,
teach me how to trust
my heart,
my mind,
my intuition,
my inner knowing,
the senses of my body,
the blessings of my spirit.
Teach me to trust these things
so that I may enter my Sacred Space
and love beyond my fear,
and thus Walk in Balance
with the passing of each glorious Sun.
This prayer of the ancestors of the Lakota Native American tribe was introduced to me by Candace RedShirt, one of the many magnificent women profiled in this book. Her exposing me to something new illustrates how much we can learn from one another, particularly the gifts many single mothers have to offer, if only we are open and eager to receive them.
According to the Native People, the Sacred Space is the space between exhalation and inhalation. It is that pause where nothing is happening, where inaction exists. Too often in life, that pause when we feel neither here nor there is scary, but the Lakota Prayer says that space of the in-between should be our destination. It is where peace lives.
Further, to walk in balance is to have heaven (spirituality) and earth (physicality) in harmony. When this beautiful wisdom sank in, it dawned on me that presence is really all about creating harmony in our lives and especially in the lives of our children. After all, isn’t harmony the endgame for all parents, single or not?
I am so grateful for the single mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and mentors who entrusted me with their stories, providing intimate glimpses into their private spaces—their challenges and, equally important, their triumphs. Their examples can become touchstones and teaching tools for anyone who holds a relationship with a child or young person. They and millions of single mothers who have conquered adversity and emerged victorious have powerful lessons to share, if we include them in the conversation, and if we, as a nation, just listen.
A new outlook can change the prevailing narrative about the worthiness of single mothers to one that sees them as teachers of resiliency, experts in resourcefulness, vessels of values, keepers of culture, and masters of mindfulness. Single mothers have produced literary giants, even though they themselves might not have been able to read. Single mothers have produced great statesmen, even if they didn’t have enough money to travel outside their home state. Single mothers have produced giants of business, even though they might at one time have been homeless.
Parents in general, and single mothers in particular, hold the keys to many of the solutions needed to help us form a more perfect union. That in-between space the Lakota talk about is the window of opportunity parents need to form more perfect families, which will result in stronger communities.
So simple yet so profound, the Lakota Prayer has gifted me with a deeper understanding of what I had been trying to do all along with my pillars: create harmony in heart, mind, resources, courage, faith, connectedness, and values. The prayer says the way to accomplish this is through being aware of and present in my mind, my body, my spirit, and my intuition, and to trust the sacred space of the in-between. It is my best hope now and for the future that we can create harmony among all families, a space lionesses have perfected in the wild, so we can truly be a pride that offers the very best collective and shared wisdom to the next generation. Only then can our prayer for presence become the ever-present voice in our children’s ear.
Acknowledgments
William Arthur Ward once said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Please allow the time and space for the following to be signed, sealed, and delivered.
Let me first express my gratitude to my Creator, from whom all blessings flow. The first act of divine benevolence to me was the family I grew up in and the one I am privileged to lead. To my parents, James and Winell Thomas, I am nothing if not for you. You were my parenting models and my ever-present North Stars. Without you my family’s story would have been very different, and there are no words or ways to thank you. To my sisters-in-law, Evelyn, Dawn, Tawana, Cookie, Connie; my brothers, Ralph and Howard, and the halves that make them whole, Donna and Pam: Thank you for always being there for me when my duet became a solo and I struggled with the notes. To my amazing son-and daughter-in-love, Jamaar and Dawn, thank you for completing the lives of the people I hold most dear to my heart, my children. And to them, Joy (Nikki), Wes, and Shani—thank you, thank you, thank you for tolerating my growing-up years and for teaching me how to become the kind of mother who is now humbled and blessed with the opportunity to write this book. The word love doesn’t begin to describe my feelings for you, nor my excitement about the incredible adults you have become. You truly are my pride and joy.
My life has been anchored by unconditional presence and amazing prides of people surrounding my family and me. To bring this book to life, presence and prides continued to have starring roles.
My pride of extraordinary editors and writers patiently and expertly helped me find my literary voice. To my book agent, Linda Loewenthal, who sensed there was a story to be told and a need to tell it: Thank you for guiding me through the long, winding, and rewarding process of discovery of direction and delivery of product. Along the way, I was blessed by the amazing vision, writing, and editing talents of Danelle Morton and Cheryl Woodruff. I was humbled by their selfless sharing of their time and talents, and by their encouragement that kept me moving forward. To the extraordinary writer and editor who brought me across the finish line, Michele Matrisciani: Thank you for being you. I loved talking copy and children with you, and I will be forever grateful to you for helping my thoughts and words take flight. Thank you as well to my researchers, advisers, thought partners, supporters, and, most important, dear friends throughout this book project: Kathryn Shagas, Grace Giermek, Kris Coffey, Jennifer Henderson, Lisa Nutter, Ralph Smith, and, of course, Mom, Nikki, Shani, Jamaar, Wes, and Dawn—you helped me make sure my memories were grounded in fact and my words connected to purpose. And rounding out my literary pride are the wonderful folks at Grand Central. Thank you for taking a chance on an unknown entity and giving me the freedom to craft a book that I hope people will enjoy, but that will also make a difference in their lives. Sarah Peltz, thank you for being my first champion before moving to the next leg of your professional journey, and Leah Miller, for assuming the reins as my editor and advocate in magnificent ways. To Katherine Stopa, Linda Duggins, Nick Small, Amanda Pritzker, Luria Rittenberg, Elisa Rivlin, Laura Jorstad, Melissa Mathlin, and the rest of the Grand Central team—from editing to design to production to marketing: I have so enjoyed being part of Grand Central during this entire process. Thank you for allowing me to join the family.
Embarking on this project, I was adamant that it had to contain more than the story of our family, because I knew and had heard about so many amazing families that were headed by single moms. This book has its breadth of experiences, tips, and tools because of the generosity of spirit of the single mothers within who perfected their own brands of presence. I will be forever grateful to Mary Ann Boyd, Allessandra Bradley-Burns, Ona Caldwell, Maria del Rosario Castro, Rama Chakaki, Gina Davis, Loida Nicolas Lewis, Una McHugh, Calynn J. Taylor Moore, Hilary Pennington, Candace RedShirt, Susan L. Taylor, Pamela Warner, and Terrie Williams for the courage and the confidence in me it took to share the intimate details of their lives. Thanks, as well, to Ambassador Reverend Dr. Suzan Cook for her guidance in the faith chapter and Detective Tanya Carr, who along with Philip Banks III provided invaluable assistance in preparing the chapter on The Talk. Thanks go as well to all the other experts quoted throughout the book.
My parenting journey has had the benefit of sharing some inspiring experiences with a legion of dedicated single moms (and some incredible single dads and temporary surrogates too), who after a divorce, tragic death, deployment, or incarceration stepped up to raise amazing kids: Linette, Blossom, Carlton, Angela, Guy, Camille, Stephanie, Sharon, Evelyn, Dawn, Tawana, Connie, Cookie, Esther, Sandy, Tod, Desiree, Sherece, Maurice, Beverly, Rae Carole, Bethany, Yolanda, and Zelma. And while we have never met, I also want to acknowledge Mrs. Prothero, who lost her husband tragically and senselessly and who heroically raised their five children on her own.
And what can I say about my extraordinary girlfriends? Oprah, my guru on girlfriends, says, “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” Linda, Vicki, Gail, Pam, Mary, Thursa, Sujay, Alexis, Debbie, Edna, Kathryn, Kris, Linda, Ellen, Denise, and Cheryl: Thanks for always helping me get off at the right stop when the limo broke down.
And to all the courageous and hardworking single mothers I met at WMAL, WJLA, Riverdale, Valley Forge Military Academy and College, Essence, the Annie E. Casey Foundation, and the Campaign for Grade-Level Reading, as well as in the communities I have had the honor to get to know: Thank you for all you have done and continue to do to raise the children who became and will become the future leaders of this nation. Yours are the stories of sheroes, and my hope is this book will help to change the prevailing narrative around single mothers and instead start a movement to celebrate you and thank you for the enormous value you add to this nation and world.
Any presentation of gifts would not be complete without acknowledging those in the ancestral pride who have gone before us—Mama Gwen, Papa Moore, Ms. Elizabeth, the grandparents and those aunts and uncles in the Cannon family, the Moores, the Thomases, the Duncans, Vanzies, Moystons, Dwyers, Banks, Anglins, Stephens, Brandons, Flythes, Spences, Bailey-Hayes, Weatherbys, Boyds, Carolinas, and Meads. Thank you for the examples you provided, the love you shared, and the baton you passed to all those who followed. And to my father and my beloved Wes, my eternal gratitude. From you, Dad, I learned how a woman should be treated and that I could be strong and confident, whether I was an equal partner in a family or the head of it. And to Wes, even though our marriage was cut short, your influence on my thinking, your encouragement, and your support honors our vow of eternity. I raised our kids as we would have together, only your guidance was from your Heavenly perch. Thank you for your endless love.
There are so many others I am indebted to, who have stood by me, believed in me, and believed in and mentored my children. If I have not mentioned your name specifically, know that you are anchored in my heart and I will be forever grateful to you for helping me prepare my children, and all those whom they will influence, for brighter futures.
We are like lighthouses to our children… Beacons showing them the way. And when our light goes out, theirs will be at its brightest… ready to take over for us.
—Linda Poindexter
About the Author
Joy Thomas Moore is a Peabody Award–winning radio and television producer whose career has focused on connecting family issues to policy and practice. While she now runs her own media consulting business, she spent fifteen years at the Annie E. Casey Foundation in Baltimore, managing its media portfolio. Documentaries she championed earned numerous recognitions including Oscar nominations and Emmy Awards.
She is the mother of three grown children. Her daughter Joy (Nikki) is a successful event planner in the Washington, DC, Virginia, and Maryland area. Her son is Rhodes Scholar and New York Times–bestselling author Wes Moore. He now heads the Robin Hood Foundation, one of the country’s largest anti-poverty organizations. Her youngest daughter, Shani, is a legal and business executive at NBCUniversal in Los Angeles and an independent television screenwriter. Moore’s rewards for parenting are her two grandchildren, Mia and James.
Moore hopes to influence the prevailing narrative about successful parenting by throwing a spotlight on those voices not usually included in the conversation—single parents.
For more information, resources, and additional profiles, visit her website at www.power-ofpresence.com.
Reading Group Guide
The seven pillars that guided Joy throughout her parenting were Presence of Mind, Presence of Heart, Presence of Faith, Presence of Courage, Presence of Resources, Presence of Connectedness, and Presence of Values. Which one of these did you relate to most immediately and why?
In addition to the pillars, the book is anchored by the analogy of the lioness and her pride. Do you or does anyone you know fit this description of a group supporting each other to help raise each other’s kids? Do you have a pride? Did you have a pride when you were a child?
Following the death of her husband, in Presence of Mind we learn of Joy’s dilemma: whether to stay in the home they had together in Maryland or to return to her parents’ home. Her moment of clarity came one night when she entered their bedroom and wondered, “What would Wes do?” Suddenly freed from a sense of failure, and realizing her need for more support, that night she decided to move. She waited two years but then moved back to New York. What would you have done and why?
Why did Joy describe her
childhood home as having “elastic walls”? Does having an influx of people change the relationship between parent and child?
In Presence of Mind, Joy made a point of celebrating the accomplishments of siblings equally to keep it a celebration and not a disruptive competition. How do you celebrate accomplishments in your own home? What ways can you set goals and celebrate accomplishments in order to include everyone?
What is “boundary work” and why might this be an important tool for working parents?
In Presence of Heart, what did Rama tell potential employers was non-negotiable? Are you able to take steps that put your family first in the workplace? How do you balance work and family responsibilities? What steps do you take to make your time count?
The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” Do you remember a moment when you took that first step, not knowing where it might take you?
Joy and her husband Wes made a ritual of paying their monthly bills together, with the first allocation going to their savings account in order, as he put it, “to pay ourselves first.” Have you been able to put a savings plan together to help secure your family’s financial health? What are your financial priorities?
In Presence of Connectedness, Rosie Castro made it a point to take her two sons with her to work and community action meetings. Each has chosen public service as a career. What values do you want your children to have? How are you communicating those values to them? How are you influencing your children’s futures by the activities you are or are not exposing them to?