Dying To Be Me

by Anita Moorjani

  A serial killer is diseased, similar to a person with cancer. And if we have more murderers in the world today, it means we have a sick society. Locking them away may have short-term benefits, just like treating the symptoms of cancer. However, if we don’t transform and transcend the core issues within any society, the problem will only grow, requiring us to build more prisons and straining the judicial systems. Perpetrators are more than just victims of their own circumstances. They’re the physical symptoms of underlying issues with us as a whole.

  I’m not condoning their acts. I’m just trying to say that the knowledge of my own magnificence changed me. I think that if everyone were able to get in touch with their own truth and know their greatness, they wouldn’t choose to be harmful. A happy and loved person who feels inseparable from Oneness knows that to injure another is the same as injuring the self.

  Q: Are you saying that a criminal—say, a murderer—would go to the same place and feel the same nonjudgment as a saint?

  A: Yes, that’s what I’m saying.

  In that state, we understand that everything we’ve done—no matter how seemingly negative—has actually come from fear, pain, and limited perspectives. A lot of what we do or feel is because we know no other way. Once we’re in the other realm, however, our physical limitations become clear to us, so we’re able to understand why we did things and we feel only compassion.

  It felt as though those whom we label “perpetrators” are also victims of their own limitations, pain, and fear. When we realize this, we feel only connection with everyone and everything. I understood that in the other realm, we’re all One. We’re all the same.

  If everyone knew this, we wouldn’t need laws and prisons. But here, we don’t understand, so we think in terms of “us” and “them,” causing us to operate out of fear. This is why we have judgment, laws, prisons, and punishment. In this realm, at this time, we need them for our own protection. But on the other side, there’s no such thing as punishment, because once we’re there, we become aware that we’re all connected.

  Q: If we create our reality, do you think people will be punished for what they do through karma?

  A: As I mentioned before, there is no punishment in the NDE state. I view karma as being more a concept of balance rather than cause and effect. For example, I would never use the phrase bad karma, as I don’t believe there is such a thing. I simply believe all aspects of life are needed to create the whole.

  Neither do I believe anymore that we live out all our lives sequentially in linear time, which is the framework that many people have for their ideas about karma. It’s what I was brought up to think as well.

  In the NDE state, however, I realized that every moment in all our lives—past, present, future, known, unknown, and unknowable—exist simultaneously, as though outside of what we know as time. I became aware that I already was everything I was trying to attain, and I believe that’s true for everyone. All things that we perceive as positive, negative, good, or bad are simply parts of the perfect, balanced Whole.

  Q. I’ve heard people speak of the importance of forgiveness. Did you find that you had to do a lot of forgiving in the other realm?

  A: In the NDE state, the clarity is so acute that the whole concept of forgiveness takes on a very different meaning. I realized that it was myself I hadn’t forgiven, not other people. There was no negative judgment for anything I’d seemingly done wrong—I felt only understanding about why I’d done everything.

  I also realized that within that infinite, nonjudgmental realm, there’s actually no need to forgive myself or anybody else. We’re all perfect, exquisite children of the universe, and we exist out of pure love. Unconditional love is our birthright, not judgment or condemnation, and there’s nothing we need to do to earn it. This is simply who and what we are.

  The need to forgive is born out of seeing things as good and bad, but when there’s no judgment, there’s nothing for us to pardon. Within the cosmic tapestry we’re creating, all thoughts, words, and deeds are necessary for the creation of the infinite, magnificent Whole. Just as with the light spectrum I mentioned earlier, all colors are needed to give contrast and bring life into being. What’s to forgive?

  At this point, I’ve replaced forgiveness with empathy, unconditional love, and compassion—for myself and for others. Rather than judge, creating a need for pardon, I now have only caring and great respect for the multifaceted role each of us plays in the Whole of creation

  Q: Wouldn’t too much self-love make people selfish and egotistical?

  A: Once we understand that each of us is at the heart of the infinite universe, our centrality to the Whole becomes paramount, and we see the value in loving the self. We can’t give what we don’t have.

  In my culture, I was taught to put others first and myself last or not at all. I wasn’t taught to love myself or to value who and what I am. As a consequence, I had very little to offer others. Only when we fill our own cup with regard for ourselves, will we have any to give away. Only when we love ourselves unconditionally, accepting ourselves as the magnificent creatures we are with great respect and compassion, can we ever hope to offer the same to anyone else. Cherishing the self comes first, and caring for others is the inevitable outcome.

  Selfishness comes from too little self-love, not too much, as we compensate for our lack. There’s no such thing as caring for the self too much, just as there’s no such thing as too much genuine affection for others. Our world suffers from too little self-love and too much judgment, insecurity, fear, and mistrust. If we all cared about ourselves more, most of these ills would disappear.

  To say “I love you” when I have no matching emotion for myself is playacting. It’s not real. Affection for the self and others is the same thing. We’re all One—all interconnected. Having an awareness of our own divinity can help us to see our magnificence and worthiness for love without conditions. Once we understand this, offering the same to everyone else becomes much easier.

  Q: Most people on a spiritual path believe that the ego impedes spiritual growth and that we’re supposed to shed the ego. Why aren’t you advocating this?

  A: Because if you deny the ego, it will push back against you harder. The more you reject something, the more it fights back for its own survival. But when you can completely love your ego unconditionally and accept it as part of how you express in this life, you’ll no longer have a problem with it. It won’t impede your growth—on the contrary, it will be an asset.

  We’re all born with an ego—it’s a natural part of who we are here. We’re only completely without it in death. Fighting against this during life only creates more self-judgment. Plus, only when we love our ego unconditionally are we able to accept everyone else’s. This is when it stops being an issue, and your humility and magnificence really shine through.

  Q: What’s your opinion on service and serving others?

  A: When service comes from the center of our being, it’s the highest form of self-love. We know this is the case when we feel joy while serving. It will even feel light and fun! This uplifts both us and the recipient and helps to elevate the receiver’s self worth.

  But if we perform out of an obligation or sense of duty, it feels serious and heavy and can be energy draining. This really doesn’t do us any good, and it’s not that great for the recipient either—especially if they can sense that we’re acting out of obligation. This can make the receiver feel small and worthless.

  In addition, when something comes from the center of our being, it’s no longer an action—it becomes who we are. We don’t need to think about it or work at it. We become an instrument for service to manifest on this planet. This is the difference between being of service and performing a service.

  This connected level comes with the realization that there’s no separation between the self and the Universe. It’s the knowledge that what I do for the Whole, I’m also doing for the self, and vice versa—and that’s truly a joyful and fun state t
o be in!

  Q: As I look around, it seems to me a lot of rancor, arguments, and downright hostility come from everyone insisting that their reality or point of view is the only one. Yet your experience and those of many others who’ve had NDEs indicate that what we consider reality is no more or less real than a sort of dream. So essentially, people are arguing over whose illusion is the most valid. Can you elaborate on this?

  A: I can only recount my experience. For me, it felt as though when I “died,” I woke up from a dream. It didn’t feel as if I went anywhere, but as though I’d awakened and had omni-perceptual senses—that is, 360-degree vision and complete synesthesia, or simultaneous perception of the senses. I could see, hear, feel, and know everything that pertained to me! I was living my past, present, and future simultaneously. I also knew what was going on beyond walls and space, as long as it related to me—hence the visuals of my doctors’ conversations, my brother on the plane, and so on.

  I sort of liken it to a blind person being able to see for the first time. The individual didn’t go anywhere, but the clarity of what the world actually looks like (as opposed to what he thought it was like) would be amazing! He would suddenly understand things such as color and shade. These would previously have been beyond his conceptual understanding.

  In that respect, for me, there was this incredible knowledge of how we’re all interconnected and how what I feel affects the universe, for the Whole is within me. As far as I’m concerned, if I’m happy, the Universe is happy. If I love myself, everyone else will love me, too, and so on.

  After coming back, even though I’ve lost some of the enhanced senses that I had during the NDE, the understanding, clarity, and feelings of love haven’t left me. The dots are already connected, and I can’t go back to thinking the way I used to. Imagine the blind person going back to being blind. Every time he makes his way through the world, he knows what it really looks like, even though he cannot see it. That’s sort of how it feels for me now.

  As for this plane not being real, I feel that we’ve each created our own reality based on what we think the world is like. In that awakened state, it felt as though this 3-D existence is just a culmination of my thoughts. When I went to the other realm, I actually woke up to a place more real than this one…sort of how it feels when we awaken from a dream into our everyday reality!

  Q: What are your thoughts on religion? I notice that you rarely, if ever, bring it up when you speak about your experience.

  A: That’s because death transcends religion, which is something we’ve created in order to help us to live or to help us understand death. But once I experienced the other realm, trying to make it fit into a religion—no matter which one—actually seemed to reduce it.

  Another reason I don’t really talk about it is because religion can be divisive, and that’s never my intention. I much prefer to be inclusive. I experienced us as all being One, knowing that when we die, we’ll all go to the same place. To me, it doesn’t matter whether you believe in Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Allah, or none of the above. What matters is how you feel about yourself, right here and right now, because that’s what determines how you conduct your life here. There’s no time except the present moment, so it’s important to be yourself and live your own truth. Passionate scientists living from their magnificence are as valuable to humankind as a whole room full of Mother Teresas.

  Q: One of the most intriguing statements you’ve made about what you understood from your experience has implications that are profound, multifaceted, and far-reaching. I’m thinking of your contention that we can effectively alter our past by the moment-to-moment choices we make as our lives unfold into the future. Am I reading too much into what you’re expressing, or is this close to what you understand?

  A: You’ve interpreted it absolutely as I meant it. I feel that the present moment is the only point in time we have to create our reality. Please note that I intentionally don’t say “create our future.” The past and future felt fluid to me, and this is how I was able to alter the test results depending on whether I came back or not.

  I agree that this is important because of its implications. For me, it continues to unfold each day, and now this awareness has become bigger than the NDE itself.

  Q: In your NDE narrative, you stated, “All disease first begins in the energy first, and then manifests in the body.” Do you have any sense as to how this is accomplished and what prompts the disease to form in the first place?

  A: During my NDE, I felt as though my body, in its solid form, didn’t exist. I was just pure energy—perhaps this could be interpreted as the soul or the spirit. It was much bigger than the body, and I like to use the word magnificent, because that’s how I felt in that state. It was almost as if having a physical self was an afterthought. This infinite energy mass was the real me, and the body was only a barometer to show how much of this life force was “coming through” or being expressed. It felt as if the 3-D world was the other dimension, and my energy mass was real.

  From this, I feel that when we say people are of a higher vibration, we probably mean that they’re letting more of their authentic magnificence come through, so their “barometer” readings are really high! Consequently their positive energy and physical presence are strong. In that realm, however, nobody seemed stronger or weaker. Everyone was magnificent. But how much of that we express through our bodies into this dimension seems to be our choice.

  Q: Are you suggesting that the power of your healing came internally and not from an external source?

  A: It was neither internal nor external, or I could say it was both. Once I was no longer expressing from the state of duality, I realized that there’s no separation between within and without. I became the Source of all things, and the Source became me. But if you’re referring to whether I think it’s me—as in the ego or the physical self—behind my healing, then no. It emanated from expressing through my infinite self and knowing that I’m not separate from source or anything.

  Q: What are your thoughts on the different healing modalities, both Western and Eastern?

  A: I feel that many treatments and modalities are useful—and I also want to be clear that I don’t think it’s necessary to have an NDE to heal.

  Before my NDE, everything I did came from a place of fear, even when it came to healing. My psychological makeup was such that I only sought out these things because I was afraid of the consequences of not doing so.

  But when the dread is no longer there, and we come from a perspective of trust, then the healing modalities stand a much better chance of working. During my short stint in India, my health improved because I was away from the atmosphere of fear. I was in a culture that supported an entirely different outlook on cancer, one that was much more positive. In Westernized Hong Kong, most people I encountered had enormous fear of cancer and passed that on to me. But in India, I was given a different perspective, which gave me hope. I put trust in it, and I felt the effects on my health quite rapidly.

  Q: You said that your cancer seemed to heal when you went to India and received ayurvedic treatments, but when you returned to Hong Kong, the disease came back. Do you have any thoughts as why the cancer seemed to disappear in India, but returned in Hong Kong?

  A: To reiterate, I think ayurveda worked for me in India because there was no conflict. Everyone around me believed in the same thing, and what I was doing made sense to everyone. I wasn’t confused. For the first time, I felt I was on the right path. There was also a lot of support in terms of ayurvedic doctors, ashrams, and so on, all of which supported this modality.

  But here in Hong Kong, the choices are endless and multicultural, and all the different modalities conflict with each other! My first choice has never been conventional Western medicine, but if I hadn’t been inclined toward other methods, I would have chosen it. Personally, however, it was the last thing I wanted.

  I think if I’d been born and brought up in the middle of China, traditional Chinese medicine wo
uld have worked for me, too—but then I might not even have gotten sick in the first place! Do you know that in Chinese culture, cancer is often referred to as “Western people’s disease”? Are you aware that the incidence of cancer in China, Japan, and even India is far lower than in Western countries?

  Some people think it’s because of diet, but I feel that’s only part of it. Another, possibly even larger factor may be mind-set—the Western belief in cancer, the fear of it, and the constant “awareness” campaigns! Conventional western medicine focuses on detecting cancer, and most of their technology is diagnostic rather than promoting overall physical well-being and balance.

  Q: What differences did you experience between Eastern and Western healing approaches?

  A: Going to and fro between the two caused my emotional state to swing between fear and hope.

  The Western doctors focused only on the cancer, making me feel as though something external was attacking my body and it had to be gotten rid off. In other words, cancer is the enemy and has to be attacked. Their diagnosis always instilled fear.

  Eastern doctors (from both ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine) looked at my well-being more holistically. They viewed my illness as my body’s way of trying to heal from its imbalances—not just physical ones, but emotional and mental as well. The cancer was actually my ally. These methods were much more comforting and gave me more hope.