Finding June

by Caitlin Kerry

  “You okay?” Reece asked me as he narrowed his eyes to me and lowered his arms.

  “Yeah …” I stammered.

  “You sure? You looked really flustered there for a minute.”

  Great, my thoughts of a naked Reece were written all over my face. This time I only nodded and thought back to his journey in the last seven years.

  I took in the information and wondered why this man had been all over the country since high school. Usually you graduate, go to college, and get a job. That was the order of things, the accepted way of things.

  “Why?” I asked.

  Reece took another swig of his beer before answering. “Why did I live in all those places instead of going to school?”

  “Yeah.” I copied Reece’s movements and took a swig from my own beer.

  “I had my reasons. I wanted to do my own thing. Find my own way.”

  His words sunk in, and for a few moments I didn’t know what to say.

  “What if you get lost?” I whispered. I couldn’t look at him; instead, my eyes focused on the record player.

  “Then you take in the scenery and know, eventually, you’ll find your way.”

  “Did you?” This time I looked directly at him, wanting to see the hope in his answer that I would figure this all out.

  “I think I’m getting pretty close to finding my home again.”

  It was enough, for now, to know his story had direction.

  “Eventually, you’ll find your way”

  It had been a week since my crash and burn in front of Reece’s house, but his words still ran through my head. We hadn’t seen a lot of each other since we kept working opposite shifts. However, even if I wasn’t working with him, he was on my mind more than I wanted to admit. I didn’t know if it was because Jolene had encouraged me to become friends with him or because he was someone new that had no attachment to myself before I left for my summer job. So far, though, our limited interactions and conversations were rich in authenticity. Each word he spoke was strung together to create these thoughts that were like a lighthouse to my ship lost at sea. I secretly looked forward to working with him, but made sure to put a disinterested look on my face. I couldn’t help but think he was different, and that scared me.

  “June, did you hear that?” I looked down and realized I had been wiping circles into the counter for the last few minutes. I had gotten lost in my thoughts, which had been happening more frequently lately.

  I glanced up to Reece standing with his hands on his hips. Images of Reece’s black scripted tattoo on the inside of his arm came into my mind, giving me chills. “No, sorry. Repeat what you said?” I replied as my mind cleared.

  Reece cocked his head to the side, and after a few seconds he said slowly, “That you’re phased. Looks like it’s starting to slow down, so get out of here. That way you might get a bit of a break before your shift tonight.”

  I nodded my head and threw the towel back into the bucket of water.

  “Hey,” Reece’s voice cut through the noise of the restaurant, “what part of your story do you want to tell me today?”

  I smiled. “I hate lunch shifts. I would rather work dinner even if I do have to spend all night here.”

  “What, you don’t like tables full of stuck up ladies with Diet Coke addictions?”

  That was the perfect description of lunch. “And what will you be sharing with me today?” I countered.

  “I enjoyed spending time with you over a couple of cold beers. Even if you were bleeding all over everything. I hope to share more drinks with you in the future.” I felt my stomach drop, a world full of butterflies attacking me. As Reece walked off, I immediately felt guilty because this was a friend thing, nothing more, but I couldn’t help that feeling of floating among the clouds and Reece Day was to blame for it. I was also blaming Jolene for putting ideas in my head.

  As I started my sidework so I could go home, I thought about how Jo was trying to get me to go out and bar hop tonight. Most people went out on the weekends, but servers went out whenever they could. Hell, usually it was going out after each shift to wind down after the stress-fest a shift could bring. But I was riding the lame train and usually went home after work. When I was with Owen it was because I thought I was past the ‘go out every night’ stage, and now it was because I didn’t feel up to being pawed at a bar by the lonely of Boise. Jolene was more of a shining light in that group because she loved being the center of attention and was content with how her life was. Jolene and I had bonded over our ability to speak our mind and how we were both comfortable in our own skins.

  Well, at least I thought I was. I was now realizing I had been spending the majority of the last three years pleasing everyone except for myself, and I had lost who I was along the way. Hell, at the young age of twenty I didn’t even know who I was and never had a chance to figure it out. Now I had time, and while it was scary as fuck to not really have a direction, I wouldn’t let that stop me. For a brief moment, I had a surge of confidence.

  I was putting my coat on to leave when I heard Reece behind me. “Hey June.” His smooth, deep voice made me think of the sound of it in my ear as he whispered sweet nothings. I turned around, trying to hide the heat rushing up my neck that I was sure was becoming quite apparent. I had no idea why something as simple as his voice had that affect on me, especially since I had heard it all morning.

  I was seriously losing it.

  With a heart stopping smile I was starting to love and hate, Reece asked, “Look, I have tomorrow night off and I saw you do, too. I was wondering if you wanted to grab dinner?”

  “No,” I replied.

  “Wow. That was the fastest rejection I have ever had,” Reece said as he crossed his arms over his chest. I was also surprised by how fast I had turned him down, especially with all the thoughts about him that had been in my mind today, mostly running toward the naughty side. I held my ground though. I wasn’t going to let another man veer me off the path of finding myself. I wanted to be friends, but going out to dinner would be a slippery slope.

  “I can’t,” was the only thing I could get out.

  “No, please, take your time. I don’t need an answer right away. Think about it,” Reece deadpanned.

  “Reece … Friends ...” Flustered, I was almost begging at this point.

  “June, I just wanted to take a pretty girl to dinner. That was it. But if you need some time to adjust to that idea, I’m not going anywhere.”

  I was having fierce mixed emotions right now, causing me to ramble, “You’re the guy that saves cats and I’m the girl who can’t even organize her closet.” Word vomit at its finest. But, because I was holding the shovel, I figured I should dig a deeper hole, so I kept going, “You have everything figured out, why would you want to be with me? I’m a mess and I don’t want to get lost again because I never had a chance to find myself and going to dinner with you I will lose myself again.” The confidence I’d had only moments ago was gone, lost to my tornado of thoughts spoken out loud, which was scarier than in my head.

  I took a deep breath. What the fuck was I saying? Not only was I rambling, but I also should win an award for the longest run on sentence because hot damn. Shit, I even didn’t know what I was saying, and it was no wonder Reece was giving me a look like I was bat shit crazy. It was definitely warranted. I wanted to turn around and bash my head against the wall repeatedly after my display of crazy.

  Reece, calm as usual, only simply raised his eyebrow and said, “I prefer dogs. I mean, if I have to save a cat so I can take you to dinner, I would. I have done weirder things. Actually … nope, that’s a lie. It would be a first.” He chose to ignore the rest of my depressing monologue, which I appreciated, but I was still extremely embarrassed.

  I stood there with nothing to say. Reece and I stared at each other; it was beyond awkward. I was never this awkward, but Reece brought it out in me.

  Reece repeated himself, “I’m not going anywhere, and I would never want yo
u to lose or change who you are because of who you’re with. You need to know that. I want to know the real you. I want you, June, whoever that may be, flaws and all.”

  Even if I wanted to, there was no way I could form words at this point. Therefore, I wasn’t too offended when Reece was the one to turn around and walk away. I was quickly losing grasp of what I thought I wanted, and I had no idea what to do.

  My next two days off were pretty uneventful, as I knew they would be. After the last couple of days and my confusion over Reece, I welcomed the peace. I cleaned my apartment and went on a bike ride. On Wednesday, I hung out with Jolene and Bethany, although we went to brunch with mimosas instead of the bar. Well, I had Bloody Marys. I liked them to taste like a boozy vegetable garden. It was nutritious and intoxicating … literally. At brunch I got the third degree, though I felt bad for Jo and Bethany because there really wasn’t anything to say. Apparently, Jolene had gotten Bethany on the June and Reece train so now it was double the pressure.

  “June, you have to tell us what you think about Reece?” Bethany asked like it was a scandalous secret. We were sitting outside at a little place on 8th street. It was a beautiful fall day in Boise. I could smell the crispness of winter and knew it was coming. I loved all of the seasons, but I had a special place for winter in my heart. The cold, white flakes blanket the city, making everything seem equal. It all shines with glistening snow. I turned my head to Bethany, who was waiting for an answer. Damn, lost again.

  “He’s nice. A good worker and not the worst thing to look at,” I stated with no emotion, hiding what I truly felt, that every time he talked to me, my heart raced a little faster. But I didn’t tell Bethany that. No need to fuel the fire. Bethany gave me an annoyed look and Jo rolled her eyes; she was used to my denial at this point.

  “That is not at all what I meant,” Bethany said with a bit of a bite.

  I threw a piece of celery at her. “Down, tiger, I know what you meant.”

  “God, June, you can be so damn frustrating at times.” Bethany pouted and sank lower in her seat, crossing her arms like she was ten.

  See, this was why Jolene was my Always Friend. Not only did she get my shit, but she dealt with it, too. Bethany was still adjusting to my ‘take no shit and give no shit’ attitude. I shrugged in regards to her statement; it was nothing new to me about how unpleasant I could be.

  The rest of the day off was spent in downtown doing some shopping. Jolene’s birthday was coming up in a couple of weeks and she had rented a cabin in McCall, wanting us all to go. I had agreed because it had been far too long since I had been out hiking or playing. It was on a Monday night since her birthday fell on a Tuesday and there was no way so many people could get the weekend off. The downfall of having friends where you work: someone always had to be there while others went to play. I made note to request the day off when I went to work tomorrow.

  My shift that Thursday wasn’t anything to write home about. That was until Steve, my General Manager, had asked me to come talk to him after I got done with my sidework. I finished rolling the last of my silverware and grabbed my server book as I went in the back to cash out. I went into the office and Steve shut the door behind me. Nerves spread through me as I thought about why he wanted to talk to me. I tried to rack my brain to think if I had done anything wrong in the past week. Did I screw up a ticket? Maybe someone had called and complained about me and I was going to lose my job. Shit, what was I supposed to do now? I guess I could get another job serving, but I had already put so much time in here, I didn’t want to go anywhere else and start over. I thought about all of this as I cashed out with Steve. I put my book full of the money I’d made back into my apron while Steve swung his chair around. I stood there waiting for the worst. This was it. I was about to hit rock bottom. Jobless with a college degree and no end in sight.

  “Okay, first of all you can get that panicked look off your face. Nothing bad happened,” Steve said.

  I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

  Steve continued and said, “I’m happy you decided to come back, we missed you this summer. I know you graduated, but haven’t had a lot of luck finding a job with your degree. Not that I mind, I hate losing good servers. What I am getting at is we are in need of a new assistant manager. It would be mostly nights and weekends and you would be on salary. I think you would be great for the job, June.”

  Remember when I said being jobless with a college degree would be rock bottom?

  Wrong.

  This was rock bottom.

  This was only supposed to be a job to get through college, not a career. I liked working in a restaurant, but I didn’t want to be a manager. That meant it was becoming more permanent. And I knew how contradictory I sounded right now. I didn’t want the bank job, but I didn’t know if this was what I wanted either. I would have a fixed schedule and fixed income, and I couldn’t as easily take time off. It all seemed too … defined and stale. I wanted a steady job, but not in a restaurant. I was happy with serving and the flexibility it offered, giving me time to figure out what I wanted. This wasn’t what I wanted. Steve wasn’t going anywhere soon, which meant there wasn’t a lot of room to move up. I was panicking and I could feel my heart race. Steve was looking at me, waiting for an answer. I didn’t know what to say. I knew I could do the job, that wasn’t an issue. Avoiding Steve’s eyes, I stammered out, “Umm, can I think about it?”

  “Sure, no problem. Let me know within the next couple of days,” he said politely.

  I murmured, “Sure.” I quickly turned and walked out the office. With my eyes on the floor, I couldn’t move fast enough out of there. I think I hit someone while I quickened my pace, but I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I only had the mission of getting the hell out of there. I barely made it out the back door, and thankfully no one was out there because the tears began to fall. I grabbed an upturned bucket and sat down, silently crying with my head in my hands.

  Everything was spiraling out of the little control I had. I had no idea what I wanted, and it seemed the only thing I was able to figure out was what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to work in a stuffy bank, nor did I want to manage a mid-level restaurant. I didn’t want Reece. Okay, that was a lie and complicated. I might have wanted Reece, but I didn’t need him, he would only be trouble. Unfortunately, so far, no luck on figuring out what I did want. If I took this job it would be the beginning of the end. It would trap me even more and I wouldn’t be able to come up from it. I would never find the shore.

  My mind drifted to the movie Waiting and the scene where the manager is talking to the crew and tells them to push the fish. That would be my life. That thought brought up another large cry from me as even more tears fell between my hands. I was totally ugly crying with large heaping sobs racking my whole body. There was a small part of me that knew Steve offering me this job was only a catalyst for everything I was feeling. I sat up with my back to the wall when I heard the back door open. I looked up to see Reece step out and shut the door behind me.

  “What do you want?” I said in a tear-strained voice.

  “I heard Steve offered you the assistant manager job.” Reece’s soft, kind tone felt like I was stabbed in the heart. I didn’t want his kindness; it was too dangerous.

  Instead of answering, I broke into tears again. I wasn’t much of a crier, but I had no control over these tears, they wouldn’t stop coming.

  Reece took another bucket and sat next to me. I had resorted to my hunched over position again, and I could feel Reece’s hand on my back alternating between light scratches and rubbing.

  “Usually job promotions don’t end up in tears, June. Is everything okay?” Reece asked in the sweetest tone. This was all turning into too much, this man was too much. It was like he saw how pathetic I was and felt bad for me. I couldn’t take it.

  “How did you find out?” I sniffed, running my shirt sleeve over my nose. I was sure my crying had ruined my makeup and I looked like a
hot mess.

  “When you hauled ass out of the office you ran into me.” Oh, that was what I hit. I really had to stop doing that. “I went and asked Steve what had happened. By the way you looked, I wasn’t expecting the answer he gave me.”

  Reece’s hand was still on my back, but it had stopped moving. His hand pulled me into him as he gave me a side hug, engulfing me as he comforted your typical girl crying over a job promotion.

  Though, I knew it was more than that and I had a feeling Reece did, too. I had only known Reece for a few weeks, but he seemed to understand me, my feeling of being lost. There was no explanation for it, and the fact he never judged me made me wonder what was in his past that made him this way.

  Owen had never really understood the way I felt about things, usually saying it was a girl thing or I was being naïve and silly. However, Reece didn’t question my outbursts, tears, or even my fears. He didn’t let me be down on myself and only had words of encouragement. I had no idea why he was like that, what I had done to deserve his attention or wisdom. It—like most things in my life right now—scared me, this unknown.

  I finally felt the tears start to lighten up, and I moved away from Reece’s embrace, putting distance between us. He put his elbows on his knees, and glanced at me. I could see his striking eyes under his thick eyelashes and I felt my skin flush.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  “It was unexpected.”

  “Like I said earlier, usually promotions don’t end in tears.”

  “I hate this feeling of not knowing what I want.”

  “Who says you have to know what you want?”

  I thought about it. Who was telling me that I needed to know what I wanted in life? Most days I felt like it was everyone; my parents, and only four months ago, Owen. Society kept shouting out that my generation would have the most debt and least opportunities for jobs and that was downright terrifying. There was pressure to be an adult in this society, to do well or make something of yourself. This ideal of living the good life. I had no idea what the good life was, or who set the standards for it, but I still felt the pressure of it.