Finding June

by Caitlin Kerry

  I bought mostly clothes and a few pairs of shoes since living with Reece made it so I had everything I really needed. Reece had learned the art of living with not a lot of stuff through the years in his travels. Most of what he had in his house was his aunt’s or things he had picked up on the way.

  I was in a blissful state, this bubble I was living in. Reece and I were wrapped up in each other and I was ignoring the real world. I was ignoring the fact I had little to no worldly possessions. I hadn’t made any progress on the job front nor was I anywhere close to figuring out what I actually wanted in life.

  Reece made me extremely happy, but I was still on the journey to find myself. I was a woman in the 21st century, I didn’t need to depend on a man or need a man in my life to feel complete. However, looking at the situation, that seemed to be the case. I knew that Reece was part of my story, but there had to be more. What that was, I didn’t know.

  In all reality, I was exactly where I was when I graduated in May, but with a different guy and a lot less stuff. It didn’t really settle well with me, but I did love Reece and I knew I wanted to be with him.

  Which led me to the conclusion that I was madly in love, but still a little lost. I was okay with that instead of feeling like an empty shell. It was okay to not know exactly what I wanted, but I couldn’t live in this limbo forever. Why did life feel the need to tease me? Why couldn’t I have it all? Probably because I was being naïve as hell right now and hey, at least I could admit it.

  Growing up sucked.

  It was mid-week and Reece and I were working opposite shifts. He had just gotten to work to close when I was leaving from the day shift. I had decided to pick up a milkshake because it had been one of those days. It had been a shitty shift. I dropped a plate and it broke in a million pieces. Of course, the whole restaurant went silent, and they all looked at me. I smiled and shrugged as I grabbed a broom to clean it up, even though on the inside all I wanted to do was hide. I had a lady scream at me over the fact she had to be somewhere in twenty minutes and her food took too long. Typical server shit I wasn’t in the mood to deal with. By the time I was done with work, I was actually glad I had the house to myself tonight.

  I walked by the same empty building and the ‘For Lease’ standing in the window. I stopped because it was like this empty space was calling me in. I might have had a degree in business, but I didn’t even know where I would begin on opening my own. Was that what I wanted to do? The idea was appealing, more so than others. It would be my own, my place and my story. And honestly, it still seemed like a lot right now. Maybe one day.

  After getting home, I grabbed my laptop and started to do a little bit of research on permits and opening a business. It was a little daunting and I didn’t have a huge idea about what it would be. After searching and reading for an hour, I was overwhelmed. My email dinged and I opened it up to see a new message from Daniel.

  Dear Sister Who Does Not Drive Me Crazy,

  Mom called me about your apartment burning down. Shitty deal, June. Why didn’t you call me? I could have helped you. Mom and Dad are worried about you and aren’t too happy you are living with a boy, but they said it is just temporary and that he is a coworker? Is he really or is there more? I worry about you, June, but I know you’re strong and I won’t try to interfere. I can’t say the same for the parentals and Michelle is too involved in her own life to care.

  I just got back into town after backpacking through British Colombia with some friends. Mom says I have to come home for at least one holiday. Which one will you be at so I am not fending off Mom and Dad alone? Thanksgiving would work better for me, but I can swing either one.

  Anyways, after Mom called I received an email from my friend who is living in South America, Jenny. Remember her? The brunette I spent time with in Seattle when she lived here? You met her once when you came to visit. She sent me some information about an opportunity. She wanted me to go down there and help with her non-profit she works with that helps families in communities become self-sustaining and work toward having fair trade businesses. I would love to go down, but I don’t have enough time to take off without losing my job and I need to replenish my savings before I head off to travel again. So I sent her your information. And she loved you. She wants you to come down and spend six months beginning of the year. You would be back by July. She is located in Chili so you would be based there, but traveling over most of the country. Since you don’t have really any worldly possessions accept for your car I figured it would be perfect timing. Don’t have to worry about your stuff or your place. She is willing to pay you, not a lot, but enough to get by. We can figure something out with your car.

  I know, I know, best brother ever. Jenny is looking forward to hearing from you and she needs to know in the next two weeks your decision. Then she can start working on getting paperwork in order and what not. Here is her contact information and the website for where she works.

  Love, Daniel, Your Favorite Sibling.

  South America. Six Months. And I get paid? Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

  I stared at the computer screen as I slowly processed what I had just read. I don’t know for how long, but I did eventually click on the website and took a look.

  I had always wanted to travel and it wasn’t a secret the jealousy I had of my brother and his travels. Daniel had attached the original email Jenny had sent him and it had said they were working with a larger community so they needed some temporary help to get it set up and work with the families there.

  My first thought was, Hell yes! What a great experience and it would be so much fun, plus it would look good on resumes and buy me some more time to figure out my life. My second thought was Reece. Did I want to leave him for an extended period of time? And then I mentally kicked myself because didn’t I just get mad at myself since I felt like I was depending on him? This was my opportunity to be on my own, to figure out who I was. How many times did I hear leaving the country was one of the best things you could do for yourself?

  But there was still the little voice in my head saying Reece’s name over and over again. Yes, we loved each other, but in all regards our relationship was still new and would it survive being apart for six months? I didn’t even know how much communication we would have in those six months. If I stayed here, what would I do? Continue to look for jobs I wasn’t interested in? At least this experience might help me figure out what I liked and what I didn’t. And it was there, waiting for me.

  A mixture of excitement and dread settled in the pit of my stomach. I glanced at the time. It was six, right when the dinner rush started. I couldn’t text Reece about it. And this was probably something I needed to tell him in person. Or maybe I should wait to tell him, give myself some time to think about it. I had a couple of weeks to figure it out.

  I emailed Daniel back saying I would think about it and I would try to come home for Thanksgiving, which was only a couple of weeks away.

  The rest of the night I tried to focus on anything else beside the email I had received. I tried to watch TV and read a book, but I couldn’t stop thinking. I made dinner and put the left overs in the fridge for Reece, but then I got depressed about not being with him for six months. I then started to Google information about the non-profit and South America in general and got excited over being in the country. I was so torn right now I was antsy, conflicting thoughts battling in my mind. I needed to get out of the house, so I threw on a jacket, put in my headphones, and blasted Two Door Cinema Club to drown out my thoughts. I ended up walking to Camels Back Park and started up the steep hill. My breath was labored as I hit the top of the hill, the city of Boise splayed out in front of me. In the summer this was one of my favorite places, you see the whole city and all of the trees were full of lush, green leaves. Now with winter taking hold and the leaves gone, the city seemed a little less lush, but still beautiful.

  The wind was blowing slightly, making it a bit cooler, but I loved it. The cold air was the quickest way
to break through my weighted thoughts, bringing me out of my mind. It was like a step away from everything and focusing on my surroundings.

  After sitting in silence for a while, I couldn’t help but think about the opportunity facing me. I could make an old fashioned pros and cons list. The pros were I would get to travel, I would have time to maybe think about the next step, the job sounded like something I would be interested in, I got paid, and Daniel was right about it being perfect timing since I really didn’t have a lot of obligations. I was pretty sure I would have my job back at The Shack, and even if I didn’t I could easily get another serving job.

  The cons. Reece.

  Fuck. Why was only one variable making this decision so hard? One really hot, sweet, kind, and loving variable was making this decision extremely difficult. And why did I hate myself a little bit over it? I was woman, hear me roar. Unless it was Reece, then I just got all googly eyed over him.

  Even as Reece and our new relationship was weighing heavily on my mind, I couldn’t help but think that this was something I should do. I wanted to go. When I came back last summer I had wanted to be my own person, make my own decisions, fill my life with a story that was rich with experience, things that made me happy. This was an experience, a way for me to see the world and learn more about myself.

  The sun was setting and it was starting to get darker earlier, so I headed back down the hill. I decided once I got back I would take a nice hot bath and have some tea. Maybe tea would help with this problem.

  By the time Reece got home that night, I was already asleep. I was emotionally drained and I was partially avoiding him. I didn’t know if I had the strength to be around him and make an unbiased decision. I wasn’t proud to admit one look from Reece with his green eyes and that damn half-smile would easily convince me to stay. Feminists around the world would be chasing me with pitchforks with that statement. It was too new and I was too emotional, so avoiding Reece was a good idea. Right?

  The next day I didn’t have to work, but Reece did and it was a double. I was okay with not having to see him today as much, again making me feel like shit. My mind was still a jumble over South America and I hadn’t talked to Reece about it. I made sure I was asleep, or at least pretending to be, when he got home that night as well.

  The next day Reece and I both had the morning off; he was working that night and I was managing. I woke up to see he was already out of bed. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed some coffee, and suddenly felt his arms wrap around me. His mouth moved to my neck, my kryptonite, and I slouched into him. He moved up and lightly bit my ear, and then licked right below it, making me crazy.

  Who would drive me crazy with a simple kiss when I was gone? That statement made it sound like I was already gone and I tensed at the thought. I cringed. Fuckity fuck. I knew, too. I knew what I wanted to do. By the time I had gotten back from my walk to Camels Back, I knew my decision. I was just avoiding telling Reece.

  I pushed away from him and walked to the table. Grabbing my phone, I pretended that I was busy checking Facebook or some crap while I drank my coffee, hoping that by not acknowledging anything, nothing would be said. I wouldn’t have to talk about it. Just keep looking at your phone, June. Take a drink of coffee. Yep, totally ignore it, June, no one will know …

  “Spill it, June.” Reece eyed me from where I left him standing.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Yeah, that totally made me look guilty.

  He stared me down and I glanced up for only second, but it was too much to take. I looked back down to the tepid coffee. He didn’t say anything for a couple of moments. “You’re being weird. I figured it had to do with everything about your place, but I also know you aren’t one to dwell on things. I am curious what is going through your head.”

  This was a pivotal point for me. I had a couple of options; I could ignore it and not tell him about it, or I could be honest about it with him. I was much better with honesty so I fessed up.

  “I had an opportunity become available to me.” But I didn’t say I was going to make it easy to get out of me.

  “What was this opportunity?” Reece had moved from his spot in the kitchen and was now sitting across from me, at the same table where we had many conversations.

  I looked Reece right in the eyes, his beautiful, moss-green eyes. “It’s a temporary job with a non-profit working with families to set up businesses and ways for them to make money. It would be from January to July.” However, I didn’t add in another country.

  “That’s great! I know you have been trying to figure out what’s next, but even something temporary could be great.” He looked so happy about this. Now I just felt like an ass for not coming out with it because I was about to ruin the whole thing.

  He smiled at me and grabbed my hand. “Do you think you can work both jobs? Is it full-time?”

  Oh boy.

  I took my hand back. “Yeah, you could say it was.”

  “What aren’t you telling me, June?” Reece grabbed my hands again, not letting go, kissing each one so gently my heart swelled and broke at the same time. How could I leave this amazing man?

  “June,” he said again.

  Ready. Set.

  “It’s in South America.”

  Go.

  Silence.

  I started to count the seconds, one … two … three … I got all the way to twenty. Reece’s gaze never wandered away from mine. His hands that held mine continued to soothe, like I didn’t just drop a bomb.

  “South America?” Reece finally said after what seemed like forever.

  “Yep.”

  “South America? Like the opposite of North America?”

  “Yep.”

  I felt sick to my stomach; the dread sunk into me and wouldn’t let go. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Telling Reece I had this amazing opportunity to leave was almost too much. I had never felt this sick before, even when Owen dumped me. That was nothing compared to the sickening feeling I had right now.

  “When did you find about this?” Reece asked

  And then there is the other part. I didn’t tell Reece right when I found out. I claimed to love this man, but I hid this from him.

  “A couple of days ago.” The honesty didn’t help how awful I felt right now.

  “At least that explains why you have been distant the last couple of days.”

  “Are you mad?” I asked shyly.

  Reece shook his head. “Mad about the possibility of going to South America? No. Mad about you not telling me? Not mad, but maybe a little disappointed you didn’t tell me. I understand, too.”

  “But that’s not all …” I started to bite my fingernails, a nervous habit.

  Reece pulled my hand away from my face.

  “June, whatever it is, you can tell me.”

  Would he hate me? Leave me? The uncertainty of it all sat on my shoulders like a pile of bricks.

  But I had to do this. I knew what I wanted and this decision was for me. For once, I was thinking of myself, shaping my story all by myself.

  “I want to go.” There, I had said it for the first time out loud. My heart was racing because the thought no longer belonged to me, it was now affecting someone I loved.

  Reece opened his mouth to say something and then closed it, rethinking what he said. Instead, he let go of my hands and moved to my face. His hand cupped my cheek and his tender touch eased up the dread sitting in my stomach slightly. His lips met mine and it was a kiss that was as tender as his touch. It was a kiss to reassure me. His lips moved against mine and our tongues met as we got lost in each other’s touch, as it seemed happened every time we touched. Reece pulled slightly away and kissed the corner of my mouth. So softly I almost couldn’t hear him say against my mouth, “Go.”

  The simple word stopped me.

  “You’re not leaving me?” was the first thing I blurted out.

  Reece barked out a laugh, shaking his head. “What in the world a
re you talking about? What is going through your head right now?”

  I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. And in true June fashion, I rambled out all my thoughts. “I want to go. I had to make this decision on my own, this had to be for me and me alone. I have spent my life always being mindful of others, trying to please everyone around me and this probably won’t please everyone. You, mostly. I’m leaving for six months and I know our relationship is new. I understand if you want to leave me—”

  “Stop. June, seriously, stop. You want to go to South America? Then go, my sweet June. I’m not going to stop you and the last thing I’m going to do is leave you. Right now, I am so ridiculously proud of you. Who gives a shit who you’re pleasing? You’re right, this is for you and I’m excited for you, this journey you get to go on.”

  “What about us?”

  “What about us? I will be here when you get back. You don’t have to worry about that, you don’t have to worry about us.”

  My head was down, but I lifted my eyes to Reece’s. “I’m scared. I want to do this, but it’s scary to leave everything I know for six months.”

  Reece placed his hand under my chin, lifting my head. “Of course it’s scary. A place you’ve never been, a totally new world … yeah, that can be scary. When I moved from place to place, I was always scared when I first got there, having no idea what I would find, the people or jobs. It was frightening to know who to open up to. One of the things I love about you, is that you opened up to me, showed me what’s inside of you, everything that makes you vulnerable and strong, all of that makes me love you, that bravery you have. You can do this. The bravery inside you gave you the courage to make this decision on your own, to tell me about it and I know your strength will allow you to have faith in us, because you and me, we will always be each other’s home. You’re my home, June, no matter where you are in this world.”

  “Come with me.” I was pulling at straws here.

  “I’m going to throw some tough love to you here. You should go and you should go by yourself. I have responsibilities here; I have this house and I’m enrolled in school, plus my job. I had my time where I got to travel and now it’s your turn. This is good timing. You have this opportunity to take a shitty situation, your apartment burning down, and turn it into a good thing. You don’t have to worry about your stuff and what you do have I will take care of. You are in a spot in your life where you can go and do this. Take advantage of it because it might not come up again. Timing is everything, and this is good timing.”