The Shadows of Christmas Past

by Christine Feehan

  "You have money. You can have my money," Jase burst out.

  "That's not what he means," Maia said gently. "He means when things are really bad tor him, working undercover is a way of sorting it out."

  Jase just stared at her, hurt and fear mingling together in his eyes.

  "Like you pounding the bag," she added. "He goes undercover and becomes someone else for a while. Does that make sense?"

  Cole wanted to protest, but she was right It was a world he was familiar with. lies and deceit and never getting too dose. A world of violence, where explosive rage often had a legitimate target He was going to lose here. He could see the handwriting on the wall, and it was killing him.

  Jase subsided, shrinking back into the chair, making himself very small as he turned to Cole. "Are you planning on putting me in a boarding school so you can go back to the drug enforcement work?"

  "No! Absolutely not. Why would you think that Jase? I want you to attend a regular school, but not a boarding school." Cole shoved both hands through his hair. "This is crazy. My work has nothing to do with you going to school. If I have to leave on an assignment, I'll have someone who you trust stay here with you. Someone I trust that we're both comfortable with. I'm not going anywhere until that happens."

  Jase took the ice packs off his hands and grabbed a handful of cookies. "Well, I'm not going to worry about it then. It's not like we have anyone else."

  "I told you, we're getting a housekeeper. I just haven't found one yet." There was a warning note in Cole's voice.

  Jase shrugged. "You scare everyone, Cole. I don't have to worry about anyone coming here to work in the house unless she's after your money."

  Maia hastily covered her mouth with her hand and looked away from them. They sounded more and more like brothers every day.

  "Don't encourage him, Maia," Cole said.

  She didn't even wince at the hard edge to his voice. Her smothered laughter rang out from behind her hand before she could stop it. "I'm sorry, really I am, but you so deserved that one. You need to practice smiling in the mirror, Cole. It will help you win over the ladies."

  "He doesn't have to smile at women," Jase reminded with a wicked grin.

  "Put the ice packs back on your hands and stop eating so many cookies," Cole said. He reached under the coffee table and pulled out a small object. "Here's your Christmas present." His voice turned gruff and it embarrassed him, but he persisted with a dogged determination. "I don't know exactly how this is done, and I didn't wrap it, but I made this for you, Jase." His fingers remained wrapped around it, concealing the object. "You know I'll get you something nice from town once we can get out of here, but I wanted you to have something on Christmas morning."

  "Let me see it," Jase said eagerly, holding out his swollen hand.

  Cole placed the wood carving in his brother's hand. A snarling mountain lion was crouched protectively over a small alligator. The carving was intricate, each curve and line smooth and etched deep so that the figures seemed to be alive. Jase turned it over and saw the date carved into the bottom.

  "It's the two of you, isn't it?" Maia asked, taking the carving out of Jase's hand to stroke her finger down the cat's back. "You and Jase. That's what it represents."

  "It's all of us," Jase corrected. "You, me, my mom, and Cole."

  Maia handed the carving back to him. "It's beautiful, Cole. You're an unbelievable artist. I had no idea."

  "It looks so real," Jase said. "Thanks, Cole."

  Cole let his breath out slowly, a small smile somewhere inside of him. Jase understood what he was trying to say with the carving, and more than anything else, that mattered.

  "I have something for you too, Jase," Maia said. "It's not nearly as nice as what Cole made for you, but you might be able to use it" She pulled a book out from under the cushions of the couch. "It's a book on animal behavior. I learned a lot from it, and as you can see, it's been well used, but I thought if you were really interested in becoming a vet, you'd enjoy it."

  Cole put his arms around Maia. He'd never heard her sound quite so vulnerable, her words spilling out too fast. The book had to have meant a great deal to her, and she wanted Jase to feel the same way.

  Jase opened it, read what she had written, and smiled. "We did share a journey, didn't we, Maia? Look at this, Cole. Maia's mother gave this to her."

  "I was about ten," she admitted. "All I could think about were animals. My poor parents had to put up with me constantly bringing home hurt things."

  "You still do that," Cole said, "or maybe they just gravitate to you."

  "Thanks, Maia." Jase nudged his brother.

  "Jase and I have a present for you," Cole said. He pulled an envelope from his pocket and held it out to her.

  Maia opened the seal slowly and took out the card. She blinked several times trying to make sense of the lettering. "I don't understand." Her heart was pounding out of control. She swallowed several times, before raising her gaze to Cole's.

  "You own the clinic," Jase said eagerly. "It belongs to you. You don't have to go away now."

  Cole gazed at her steadily, not blinking or looking away, compelling her toward the unknown. Maia blinked rapidly to break the spell. He was so deep inside of her she could hardly breathe without him. The feeling was too strong, too fast, and she didn't entirely trust it.

  "But I can't take this. I can't possibly accept this." Maia shoved the card back into Cole's hand. "You know I won't, Cole."

  "You have to accept it," Jase said. "If you don't, you'll ruin the rest of it."

  "The rest of what? There can't possibly be anything more. Are you two crazy? You can't go buying a clinic for me. I love you both dearly for the gesture, but I'm not going to accept it."

  Cole sat there, staring into her eyes, his face hard and etched with lines of suffering. "The part where we ask you to stay. The part where I ask you to marry me."

  Her heart sounded like thunder in her ears. For a moment she thought she might actually faint. He looked so alone, so prepared for her refusal of him that she ached with a need to give herself to him. She didn't dare look at Jase, but she knew he would have a similar expression of need on his face.

  "Why, Cole?" She moistened dry lips with the tip of her tongue. "So when you need to go away you'll have someone you trust here with Jase?" It didn't matter that she loved him so much. She couldn't live with him knowing he didn't return her feelings. She knew she could love Jase always, be a good mother or sister and friend to him, but she didn't want to be a convenience. She had far more respect for herself than that.

  Cole groaned inwardly. He should have known it would look like that to her. Maybe it was part of it, maybe it was all wrapped up in needs and hunger and longing for a home and a family. He took her hand, his rough fingers sliding over her soft skin, his thumb caressing her ring finger. "I don't want to be without you."

  "How can you possibly know whether you do or you don't, Cole?" Maia was going to cry. She hated crying, and her reaction was generally to strike out at whoever managed to cause the tears.

  Cole felt her trembling. "I know because I know the difference between living in hell, and being alive in paradise. I don't want to lose what you've given me. I feel all the time when I'm with you. The entire range of emotions. Happiness, sadness, exasperation, even anger. All of it. I've never had that before. I want you to be happy, Maia. I watch every single expression that crosses your face. I watch you with Jase, with the animals. I think about you day and night. I want to go to bed at night with you beside me, and I want to wake up with you in my arms. I've never felt that way about anything or anyone before."

  "You can't leave us, Maia," Jase burst out.

  "Jase needs you almost as much as I do," Cole added, feeling on the verge of desperation. She was bunking back tears, and he had the feeling she was going to pull away from him at any moment. He slid a ring from his pocket, a circle of brilliant diamonds to slide on her ring finger. "Jase found the perfect Christmas present fo
r me, and gave it to me ahead of time. I want to give it to you."

  "Cole," she warned, shaking her head, looking down at the ring. She'd never seen anything like it, and it had to be worth a fortune. "Where in the world did you get this, Jase?"

  "It was in the box with my mother's things," Jase said in a low voice.

  "Oh, my God, you cannot give this to me. You have to keep it for the woman you marry," Maia said, turning her head to look at him.

  It was a mistake. The boy had tears in his eyes. He immediately reached out, putting his hand over hers and Cole's. "I gave it to Cole because it was all I had to give him. He needs you. He's different around you. Relaxed and happy, and he smiles. I'd never seen him smile until you came to be with us. And I need you too. Don't leave us, Maia."

  She took a deep breath. It was overwhelming to be caught between the two of them, their dark secrets and their dawning hope. "There's more to being married and relationships than need. If I stayed, and it wasn't right, eventually it would all fall apart. You both know that." She wanted love. She deserved love. As much as she loved them both, she would not be cheated.

  "Maia." Cole caught her chin and forced her to look at him. "I'll be the first to admit I don't have a lot of pretty words to make this right. I don't know the first thing about how to tell a woman she's my entire world, but that's what you are to me. You're not someone I want as a housekeeper for Jase, but if I could choose a woman to be a mother figure, a sister, a friend for him, then it would be you."

  "What do you want for yourself?"

  "I want a woman who loves me in spite of all my failings. A woman who understands when I have nightmares and do things she might be afraid of. I want you, Maia. I don't even know when I fell in love with you. I just know that I am in love with you."

  For a moment she could hardly believe he'd said the words. She'd wanted to hear them so badly, she was afraid it was a trick of her imagination. The wild pounding in her heart began to subside and she could feel peace stealing into her. "Funny thing, Steele," she said, "I feel exactly the same way about you."

  Cole sat in shocked silence, afraid to move or speak. Afraid of breaking the spell. Someone, a long time ago, told him miracles happened on Christmas. He was terrified of believing it.

  "I'm very much in love with you."

  Jase hissed out a breath between his teeth. "You two are making me want to pull out my hair! Cole, you should have told her you loved her right away. Maia just say yes, so I can breathe again. I'm having an asthma attack and trying not to die while you two figure it out."

  "Yes," Maia said.

  Cole dragged her into his arms and kissed her. She fit there, fit him. Understood him. He had no idea how it had happened, but the how and why didn't matter, only that she loved him.

  A noise drew his attention and he turned to find Jase waving his arms, wheezing, desperate to breathe.

  "You weren't joking," Cole said. "Where's your inhaler?" He searched through the pockets of Jase's shirt. Jase pointed frantically toward the kitchen, and Cole sprinted away.

  "Calm down, Jase," Maia added, taking his hand. "It's going to be all right. We're all going to be fine."

  Cole was back, handing the boy the inhaler and watching with a slight frown on his face as Jase used it. "Next time, don't be fixing my problems until you're safe, Jase. I should have been watching you more carefully."

  Jase took a deep breath and smiled at his brother. "Someone has to look after you and Maia. You're really not all that good with the women, Cole. I know more than you do about romance. And you'd better smile at her a lot."

  Maia laughed. The sound filled Cole with joy. He looked around the house. His home. It belonged to them now. Maia, Jase, and Cole. It was their home. The fire burned brightly and filled the room with warmth and comfort. The Christmas tree filled it with fragrance.

  "You know, Jase," Cole said. "I think Christmas is going to be our favorite holiday."

  "I think you're right," Jase said with complete satisfaction.

  The two brothers looked at Maia, and she threw her arms around them. "I knew you'd see it my way," she said happily.

  epilogue

  FOUR YEARS LATER

  « ^ »

  Cole sat in his parked truck watching the people hurry along the streets, carrying brightly wrapped packages and waving cheerfully to one another. The stores were heavily decorated, as were the streetlights and even one or two of the trees in front of the shops. The tall fir in front of the veterinarian clinic was a masterpiece, with lights and ornaments and a blazing star on the top, courtesy of Maia.

  He could hear music blaring out of the dink, a wild rendition of "Jingle Bells." That was so like Maia. The clinic was closed, but people were going in and out carrying boxes of food and presents to cars. As always, she headed up the drive to take dinners and gifts to the less fortunate, and she'd managed to rally quite a crew to help her.

  He couldn't wait to see her, to watch the way her eyes lit up when she first saw him, to see her smile blossom and hear her laughter. He ached to hold her, to feel her skin against his and he could already taste her kiss. Sometimes, when he was away from her, he woke up with the taste of her in his mouth. He'd been gone two months this time. It was the longest they'd ever been apart, and he'd felt every second of the separation. He'd never stay away that long again. He needed his family far more than he needed the outlet of his undercover work. He would still continue it, but he would not take a job where he would be separated from them for so long. He'd learned, in his long absence, that they were his balance and sanity.

  A part of him was afraid of his welcome. Afraid that smile, the light in Maia's eyes wouldn't be there for him this time. His hands gripped the steering wheel, thinking about losing her, losing what he had because he could never quite rid himself of the demons that plagued him his entire life.

  He heard laughter and turned his head to see the two little girls running up the street, clutching at Jase's hands, dragging him toward the clinic. Their dark hair, so like his, was shiny and bobbed as they ran. His three-year-old twin daughters had Maia's deep blue-green eyes and her smile. He loved the sound of their laughter. He still couldn't believe he had daughters. Beautiful twins who climbed all over him and kissed him every chance they got. Maia had given him that gift.

  Observing Jase with his daughters brought a lump to his throat. His brother had grown into everything he'd hoped. He was tall and strong, his gangly frame filled out. He carried himself with confidence. The shadows that had always been present in his eyes were replaced with contentment. He had friends and did extraordinarily well in school. Maia had managed that as well. She'd had him working daily in the clinic with her, taking him on ranch calls and teaching him her craft, encouraging him in school and, more importantly, bringing him a sense of family.

  Cole slid from the truck, knowing he was going to have to go in and face his fate. Unlike Jase, he knew he would never be rid of the past. He would awaken in a cold sweat, Maia in his arms, her voice soothing, her body soft and inviting, always ready to take away the nightmares. He loved her so much he ached with it, yet he couldn't always stay. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, Maia always saw the demons growing in him.

  It was always Maia who put her arms around him and told him to go. "It's okay," she would whisper, kissing her way up his back to the nape of his neck. "Do what you have to do and come back to us." She never cried, and she never chastised him or made him feel guilty. She was Maia, offering him freedom with love in her eyes. And he always returned because he couldn't live without her.

  But as he opened the door to the clinic, his heart pounded with fear. If she rejected him, his life was over. He knew that, knew he needed her more than most men needed their wife and lover. She gave him acceptance and understanding when he didn't have it himself. She taught her daughters that same acceptance and understanding of his shortcomings, and she'd taught it to Jase.

  The music greeted him as the door swung open. Someo
ne bumped into him, laughed, and called out a merry Christmas. He just kept walking through the outer office, down the decorated hall to the back room, where the operation of fining boxes was taking place. Dread was growing, a dark ugly feeling he couldn't stop. All around him were the signs of Christmas, of happiness overflowing. He walked with confidence, but deep inside, where no one saw, he was screaming inside.

  "Daddy!" Ashley screamed his name and rushed him, a small dynamo, throwing her arms around one leg, effectively stopping him.

  Mary cried out and followed her twin, twining her arms around the other leg.

  Cole reached down for them, his heart nearly bursting as he picked the girls up and settled them on his hips, kissing them over and over, but all the time his attention was on her. On Maia. He heard Jase's greeting. Felt the boy clap him on the back, and he returned the awkward hug. But it was Maia he watched. Maia he waited for.

  She turned slowly, as if she were afraid to believe it was true. Her gaze settled on his face. He held his breath. There it was. That slow smile of joy that lit up her eyes, brightened her face. Tears shimmered. The tears that were never there when he left but always there when he returned.

  "You're home."

  He handed the twins to Jase. "I'm home." He gathered her into his arms and found her mouth with his. She fit dose to him, her arms winding tightly around his neck, her mouth every bit as demanding as his. He tasted her sweetness. He tasted acceptance. Desire. Most of all he tasted love. He felt weak with joy, with relief. Maia was his rock, his foundation. His very life.

  "Get a room." Jase and the twins chimed in together, something they did often around Maia and Cole.