The Shadows of Christmas Past

by Christine Feehan

  He bent his head to kiss her. "You say the nicest things, Maia. I don't know how you always think of the exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better when I'm feeling low, but you manage it."

  She nibbled her way across his jaw to tease at his mouth with her teeth. "I say what I think, which isn't always a good thing, Cole."

  "I have to go, honey. I checked with the weather service, and I've only got a few hours to pull this off. Follow me down to the kitchen. I want to show you how to set the alarm." He brushed backed her hair, kissing her again and again as if he might not stop, then pulled abruptly away.

  Maia followed him to his room and sat on his bed. She sat up, watched him dress, clutching the sheet to her as if that might protect her from the sudden fear she was trying to suppress. He was dragging weapons out of every conceivable hiding place and shoving them into holsters, taping them to his back until she could only stare in horror.

  He tossed her his own flannel shirt wishing he could stick around and enjoy her in it. "Come on, Maia. I have to go now." He couldn't look at her much longer and not feel the choking fear of losing her. Facing gunfire and possible death was nothing compared to the terror of being so vulnerable to another human being.

  Maia followed him down the stairs, buttoning buttons as she went, trying to look casual and calm, wondering if Cole had felt the same way when she had attended the mountain lion. She listened dutifully to all his instructions, but when he turned away from her she caught his hand and tugged him back, reluctant to let him go.

  "You're coming back."

  "Of course." Cole kissed Maia hard. "Turn on the security alarm the moment I leave. All the doors and windows will lock automatically. You know where the safety rooms are. One upstairs and one down. Use them if you have to."

  She clutched his fingers, holding him to her. "Don't do anything stupid."

  "I'm never stupid, Maia, and I never forget details. Take care of Jase. There's paperwork in the top desk drawer in case of emergencies. My boss has copies. I faxed them to him last night."

  "Don't tell me that. Tell me you're going to come back to me all in one piece."

  Cole leaned down to kiss her again. "Stay out of trouble and keep Jase occupied. I don't want either one of you to get any ideas about being a hero. When I'm out there, I'm going to treat everyone as the enemy. I can't be worried that you or Jase will get it in your heads to try to help. I might end up shooting one of you."

  "I'm not stupid, Cole," Maia assured him. "I'll take care of Jase, but he's not going to like that you snuck out so early."

  "He'd want to come, and I don't have a lot of time to spend arguing with him," he glanced at his watch. "The weather will be closing in faster than anticipated. I have maybe three or four hours at the most, then the storm will break again."

  "You mean you don't have a lot of time to spend reassuring him," Maia corrected. She let him go because she had no choice. Cole Steele couldn't be anything other than who he was, any more than she could be. "Then I'll see you in three or four hours."

  He slipped out the kitchen door into the mudroom to pull on the clothes he'd prepared and slung his pack and rifle over his shoulder before going outside. He wanted to be seen, but look like he was being cautious, wary of anyone who might be watching. He was a man with something to hide. The minute he set foot outside of the mudroom, he became that person, walking with deliberate stealthy intent, casting glances back toward the house as if someone might catch him leaving. He moved in stops and starts, hurrying across open space, stopping in the shadows and behind buildings and trees to look around. It wasn't until he was by the garage housing the snowmobiles that he was certain he was being watched.

  The air was cold and dry, the wind coming at him in gusts. He pulled his knitted cap over his face to keep from being burned or frostbitten as he burst out of the garage, the snowmobile swaying wildly, then catching traction to skim over the snow. Maia was right, he realized, as he flew over the snow toward the trail leading into the higher mountains. He should have talked to Jase. If something did happen, this could look bad. He was deliberately setting it up to make others think he was taking the drugs for himself and selling the shipment to the highest bidder.

  He shook his head, a frown on his face. That was straight from Maia's mind to his. She was even making him think like her. He had never thought to let anyone into his life to such an extent, but there was no keeping Maia out. She had managed to twist herself deep inside of him until he didn't want her out. She brought him alive in a way he'd never been before.

  Cole scanned the surrounding areas, openly using binoculars, wanting those watching him to be aware he was leery. He was a man doing something illegal, and he knew it. He felt an itch between his shoulder blades and sent up a silent prayer it wasn't the scope of a rifle trained on him. He was counting on the fact that Fred and his people had murdered Brett Steele before they realized he'd moved the shipment, and they wanted Cole to lead them to it. He'd never had so much to lose before, and the thought of the danger didn't give him quite the same rush it always had.

  He glanced at the sky before setting off again. The clouds were heavy and dark, but the weather was holding. He could have moved the stuff closer to the house, but it might have endangered Maia and Jase. This way, if anyone wanted to take the shipment from him, they had to follow him away from the ranch house, but with the weather so dicey, it was touch-and-go whether he was going to pull the entire thing off and make it back before the next storm hit.

  He was able to maneuver the snowmobile up the trail through the rock formation because the snow was so deep. It enabled him to move the sled he was dragging into position at the front of the cave before rolling back the rocks blocking the entrance. He had to use a pry bar as leverage to remove the boulders before crawling inside. This was the most dangerous part. While loading the snowmobile, he would be vulnerable. He was inside the cave and would have to crawl in places to drag out the bundles to stack onto the snowmobile. He wouldn't be able to see or hear an approaching enemy.

  Cole worked steadily, sweating as he did so, aware of the least little noise, every moment feeling as though it might be his last. They didn't need him to bring out the shipment, only to lead them to it. He tried to keep his exposure down, keeping as much of the bare foliage between him and open spaces when he came out of the cave to add to the burden on the sled.

  When they came, they came like wolves, slinking out of the forest to surround him, guns drawn, Fred leading the pack. He grinned at Cole. "Like father, like son. But I'm afraid that's my dope you're trying to steal."

  "It belongs to you?" Cole asked, straightening slowly as he tied off the last bundle. "I don't think so. I don't see your name on it anywhere."

  Fred held up his gun. "This is my claim, Steele. Keep your hands where I can see them."

  "How'd you know about it?" Cole said, sounding disgusted.

  "I helped bring it in before your old man got greedy and moved it. We did it all the time. I have the connections, Steele, you don't. I've got everything in place; you'd just lose it all. You should thank me." He laughed and cocked his gun, pointing it straight at Cole's heart. "You can go join your daddy in hell."

  "Hold it, Fred!" The voice came from above them. Al lay stretched out in the snow, the rifle trained on his brother-in-law. "I'm not going to let you kill him, Fred. I don't know what this is all about; but I saw you watching him, sneaking after him, and you're not going to kill him."

  "What are you going to do, Al?" Fred snarled. "Choose your almighty boss over your own family? Has he promised you a share if you side with him?"

  Cole looked anxiously toward Al. He knew a couple of Fred's buddies were circling around trying to get position on him. The last thing he wanted was his foreman to get killed. "What are you planning, Fred? We can make a deal."

  "I had a deal with your old man. He double-crossed us. He sat there in his stinking office surrounded by enough money for a hundred men, but he was so damned
greedy. He laughed at me, laughed at all of us. He dared us to go to the police."

  "So you put a bullet in his brain."

  "You should have seen his face when I pulled the trigger. He was good at killing, but he didn't want to die. I should know, I did enough of it for him."

  "But you did it too soon, didn't you, Fred? You didn't know he'd moved the shipment."

  Fred shrugged, glanced up toward Al, obviously waiting for his men to pick off his brother-in-law. He scowled, angry they were taking so long and Al still had the rifle rock steady on him. "I thought I'd have time to find it, but you fired us all."

  Cole smiled at him. "Smart of me, wasn't it? How long were you killing and running drugs for the old man? You the one who killed Jase's mother?"

  "She kept trying to take the kid. He wasn't going to let her do that. She should have known better."

  "So you arranged the accident? How'd you manage all this time to get away with it?" Cole made a small movement toward the snowmobile.

  Fred brought his gun up. "Don't be stupid, Steele."

  "Don't you be stupid, Fred," Al said.

  "I've been getting away with things a long time. You just need a few key people in your pocket," Fred bragged. "Put the rifle down, Al, or my sister is going to be a widow. Do it now."

  "You're under arrest. All of you. Put your guns down " Cole said. "Right now you're surrounded by federal marksmen with rifles trained on every one of you. Drop your weapons now." Cole sent Fred a grim smile. "I'm with drug enforcement."

  "What the hell are you talking about?" Fred whipped his head around wildly looking for his crew. He caught a glimpse of several of his men down on the ground, others clothed in all white standing over them and holding rifles to the backs of their necks. "You've been in jail. What are you, a snitch?"

  Cole walked across the scant feet of snow separating them and removed the gun from Fred's hand. "You bought a cover story, Fred." He pushed the man toward one of the officers. Flakes of snow were already drifting from the skies.

  Al stood up slowly, rifle at his side. "This is going to kill my wife. I'm sorry, Mr. Steele. I had no idea what he was up to."

  "He wanted you to think I drove that horse into the fence. It was to get you and Jase off the ranch so he could search it."

  "I figured that out. He was watching you all the time. I didn't ever consider drugs might be a part of it. I just thought he was mad over losing his job."

  "Thanks for coming after me."

  Jase sat white-faced at the table as Cole told him about the drug shipment, the murder of the pilot and the boy's mother. The teenager went very still, tension and anger radiating from him. Abruptly he rose and without a word, ran out of the kitchen into the mudroom. They could hear him stamping into his boots.

  Cole sighed and stood up. "I'd better follow him."

  He looked tired and strained. Maia went to him, put her arms around him. "At least you both know what really happened to Brett. You don't have to wonder about it anymore. And neither of you has to worry about the other's having been involved in that violent act."

  His hand slipped over her silky hair, but Cole didn't answer. There was no way to tell her how deep rage could go. How it could consume one and eat away every good thing until there was only nightmares and demons left in the world. Jase had to fight it the same way he did.

  Maia watched him go before sinking down into the chair Jase had vacated, hands over her face, weeping for both of them. She cried for a long while, and, when they didn't return, she washed her face and went after them. It was instinct more than anything else that led her in the right direction. Before she reached the barn she could hear the rhythmic pounding of flesh against something solid.

  "Jase!" Maia stopped in the doorway of the barn staring at him with horror. "What are you doing to yourself?"

  Jase slammed his bloodied hands into the heavy bag repeatedly. "I hate him. He's taken everything from me. Everything!"

  "Jase." There was a wealth of warning in Cole's voice.

  Maia glanced at Cole, saw the misery and despair in his eyes as he crouched against the wall, watching his little brother rage at things neither of them could control.

  "Stop it right this minute!" She used her most authoritative voice. It startled both men so that Jase dropped his arms to his sides and stood breathing heavily, small droplets of blood trickling down his knuckles to the floor. She moved into the barn, marched straight over to Jase, and took his hands in hers to prevent further action.

  "He took your mother, and he took your childhood, Jase. You have a right to be angry about that," she said, turning his bloodied, swollen hands over to examine them much more closely. "But doing this to yourself is just plain stupid."

  "Yeah, well you don't have a father who murdered and ran drugs and abused animals and every other thing he could get his hands on," Jase snapped, snatching his hands away. "He didn't beat you and brand you and humiliate you, and he didn't kill your mother."

  Cole stood up, a flow of strength and power, instantly protective of Maia.

  She didn't look at him as she stepped closer to them. "Jase," she kept her voice low and even. "You persist in thinking Brett Steele was normal. He was ill. I don't know if something made him that way, or whether he just deteriorated into his sickness. Power can corrupt. He was a genius. You both know that, and you inherited his brains and his strengths. He wasn't all bad. There were good traits in him. He can only destroy your life if you let him."

  "What if I'm like him? I could be like him," Jase said.

  Of course he would have the same fears as Cole. She glanced at the older man, and he immediately put his hand on Jase's shoulder.

  "I thought the same thing, Jase," Cole admitted. "About me, about you. Hell, we share the same genetics. But you're nothing like him, even less so than I am. Look how good you are with animals. And you hit the books instead of turning out to be the resident bad boy. I'd put your sanity and your character ahead of those of anyone I know."

  "What he did is no reflection whatsoever on you as a human being, Jase. You have your own life and your own responsibility to live your life in the best way that you can. Of course your childhood will impact your adult life, but you're aware of it and can take steps to counter any demons that arise. You're strong and you're smart and you can handle anything that comes your way."

  Jase shook his head, tears glittering in his eyes, spilling over to run down his cheeks. His chest heaved, and his shoulders shook. "I don't think I can ever be okay again, Maia."

  She garnered him into her arms, pressing his face into her shoulder while she held him. The teenager sobbed as if his heart was breaking. She looked desperately up at Cole.

  Cole swept his arms around both of them. "We're going to make it, Jase," he reassured, rubbing the boy's neck, crowding dose so Jase would feel his determination and strength. "We're going to be all right together."

  chapter 14

  « ^ »

  "It's midnight, officially Christmas," Maia announced. She rubbed the top of Jase's head as she set a tall glass of cider on the coffee table in front of him. "Merry Christmas."

  Jase was much calmer, sitting in the living room and staring at the tall tree. His mother's ornaments adorned the tree, and he stared at the alligator. Maia twisted the tail and watched the jaws open and close around a strand of popcorn. She was rewarded with a faint smile from Jase.

  "When do we get to open gifts?" he asked. His voice was gruff, husky with leftover tears, but he had his emotions back under control.

  "Usually Christmas morning," Maia answered, curling up on the couch beside Cole. "Although some people open them on Christmas Eve." She leaned over to check the ice packs she'd placed on his hands. "Keep those there. It's a wonder you didn't break all your bones."

  "I can't exactly drink my cider if I've got this stuff wrapped around my hands," Jase pointed out. There was a flash of a smile in the look he exchanged with Cole.

  "Then you can just stare at t
he cider," Maia said, "but you keep your hands in those wraps. You're lucky I didn't chase you around the house with a needle to give you a tetanus shot at the very least."

  "You did," Jase reminded her. "Cole had to save me. You threatened to numb my knuckles too or something equally scary." He looked at his older brother. "Do you do that a lot? Go undercover and have guns pointed at you?"

  "Yes." Cole refused to lie or gloss over his job to Jase.

  "Have you ever been shot?"

  "Twice, and I was stabbed a couple of times. Just like when Maia works with the animals, she has to watch herself, never forget even for a moment what she's doing; my job is the same. I can never get careless."

  "How did you get all those agents here?"

  "It wasn't easy. I couldn't go to the local police because I didn't know who was dirty or who could be trusted. I called my boss, and we set the trap fast."

  "You took a big risk," Maia said. Cole had been away from them for the four hours he'd indicated he would be, and the agents had spent several more hours trying to get the prisoners and the shipment of drugs off the ranch. The storm had moved in slowly, and with Al and Cole working together, they'd finally managed to get everyone out safely. Maia had spent hours wanting to be alone with Cole, needing to touch him, to reassure herself that he was unharmed, but then Jase had broken down completely, and they had spent the remainder of the time consoling him.

  "The weather was closing in, and it worried me that Fred was getting anxious. I didn't want either of you caught in the middle. And remember, I didn't know whose side Al was on. I'm glad it was ours."

  "Are you going to go away, Cole?" Jase finally voiced the question that was preying on his mind.

  For the first time, Cole hesitated. Maia and Jase regarded him with wide, fearful eyes. Cole leaned over the table toward his brother, avoiding looking at Maia. "Jase, I want to tell you I'm always going to be here, but that would be a lie. I have to work sometimes. I won't be working as much, but every now and then, I need to work." It was the adrenaline rush. It was the rage that swirled too dose to the surface that was never going to go completely away. He hoped he wouldn't need it as much, but he knew he'd never be utterly free of his demons, and if Maia was going to agree to be in his life, he needed both Jase and her to know he would have times he couldn't help but leave them.