Grumpy Fake Boyfriend

by Jackie Lau

  And did I mention she’s gorgeous?

  “Naomi,” Jordan says, smiling at me. “I’m glad you came.”

  He sounds sincere. Mind you, he also sounded sincere when he said he loved me countless times during our two-year relationship. But when he dumped me, he claimed he’d never really loved me.

  That bastard.

  “Good to see you,” I say, pasting on a smile. “And you must be Krista.”

  “Hi,” she says, then kisses her way up Jordan’s neck.

  Hmm.

  We finish the introductions, then Will and I sit in separate lounge chairs, unlike my ex and his new girl. Ridhi and Ian are also seated, and Tom is manning the barbecue.

  “Hamburger or sausage?” he asks.

  It sounds like a simple question, but it’s not, although Tom doesn’t know it.

  You see, on my first date with Jordan, he took me to a fancy restaurant. It was horrible, but we laughed the whole time at the pretentious descriptions on the menu and the tiny portions.

  Afterward, we bought sausages from one of the many hot dog stands in downtown Toronto. From that day forward, the mention of sausages always led to a private smile between us, and if asked to choose between a hamburger, hot dog, or sausage, we would both choose sausage.

  “Hamburger,” I say.

  Tom turns to Will.

  “I’ll have the same,” he says, which makes me feel like he’s loyal to me, even though he doesn’t know the sausage story.

  Jordan whispers something in Krista’s ear. She giggles. It feels like he’s rubbing it in my face. Look how happy we are together!

  Well, I’m glad I had the forethought to bring a fake boyfriend, even if the main thing he’s done so far is piss me off.

  I turn my attention to the water, to a lake so big you can’t see the other side. It’s beautiful here. Nice to be out of the city. The past two summers, I enjoyed these trips to Grand Bend. Hanging out with friends in a swanky beach house, drinking beer and grilling meat and roasting marshmallows. A low-key holiday.

  I hope I’ll enjoy this trip at least a little. Jordan is here and Will is a bit of an asshole, but I’m still among friends.

  “How did you two meet?” I ask Jordan.

  “Julia set us up,” he says. “Krista is a paralegal at her firm, and she thought we’d be perfect together. And we are, aren’t we?” He rubs noses with his girlfriend.

  I turn to Julia. I can’t help feeling betrayed, though it’s silly of me. Julia isn’t just my friend; she’s Jordan’s friend, too. Why shouldn’t she set him up with someone?

  But did she really have to set him up with such a beautiful woman?

  Krista’s skin is evenly tanned, and she has thick, wavy brown hair. She could be in a shampoo commercial.

  Julia looks at me and mouths, I’m sorry.

  It’s okay, I mouth back.

  “Want anything to drink?” she asks. “We’ve got a full bar.”

  After the fight Will and I had in the car, I have a strange urge to provoke him. I decide to have something sweet and see if my charming boyfriend will say anything about the sugar content.

  “Hard lemonade.” I know Julia will have some of that on hand. She always does.

  Will stands up. “I’ll go inside and see what you have.” He follows her into the house without commenting on my choice of beverage.

  I try to think of something to say to Jordan, but before I can get any words out, the man starts kissing his beautiful girlfriend.

  Now, Jordan was never shy about PDA. He was always rather affectionate in public. But he wouldn’t make out with me in front of our friends for a full three minutes, like he’s doing now with Krista. He’s even using tongue.

  Hmph.

  I fidget with the hem of my dress. I’m relieved when Will returns with a bottle of hard lemonade for me and a martini for himself.

  I take a long pull on my drink. Sweet, sweet alcohol, how I need you.

  Then for some reason, even though I’ve only consumed a quarter of the bottle and am certainly not drunk, I start babbling like an idiot.

  “Will is a friend of my brother’s, and my brother’s wife thought we’d make a great couple. On our first date, he took me to Edwards Gardens, and the rhododendrons were in bloom, and it was so pretty! For dinner we went to that new ramen place on Bayview—you know the one. It opened this spring. Later he told me he spent the whole time entranced by my beautiful dark eyes—isn’t that sweet? Then we went to a bakery that has the most divine black forest cake. I got some whipped cream on the corner of mouth. He licked it off—and that turned into our first kiss. When we left the bakery... Well, I’ll let you use your imagination.”

  Everyone stares at me for a minute, and I take another gulp of lemonade. Jordan and Krista even glance up from their kiss. Krista gives Jordan a this-crazy-woman-is-your-ex? look.

  I am not playing it cool.

  “Ignore her,” Will says. “She was drunk on our first date and doesn’t remember it well. I actually took her to an Italian restaurant.”

  I glare at him.

  “I’m kidding. You described the evening in perfect detail.” He stands up and steps away from the group. “Come here.”

  I get up with a sigh, not wanting to leave my comfy chair, but I have a role to play.

  “Calm down,” Will whispers, wrapping his arms around my waist. “It’s okay.”

  And then he does something I definitely did not expect.

  He kisses me.

  A soothing kiss at first, his lips brushing against mine, but then he deepens it and... Oh my God, this man can really kiss. Who would have thought his mouth, which loudly insisted he was not a control freak, could be capable of this?

  He’s not a control freak about this kiss, not demanding I follow him wherever he wants to go. It’s a gentle give and take. His stubble scrapes my cheek, and the light abrasion is stimulating. He pulls me against his warm body—God, that feels good—and kisses me some more, his tongue slipping into my mouth.

  Just as I start to melt in his arms, he pulls back.

  “Feel better?” he murmurs.

  I’m not babbling now. No, I can’t find any words at all.

  * * *

  A couple of hours later, I’ve eaten two hamburgers and drunk two bottles of hard lemonade. Ridhi, Julia, and I are aimlessly walking along the beach while Ian, Tom, and Will are on the porch. Jordan and Krista headed upstairs a while ago and are probably having sex.

  I try not to think about that.

  “Are you okay?” Ridhi asks me. “You seem a little strange today.”

  “I’m always strange. Don’t worry, I’ve had it checked out. Nothing’s wrong with me.”

  She laughs. “It’s weird for you to be here with Jordan, isn’t it?”

  I nod. Yeah, and being here with a fake boyfriend is pretty weird, too.

  But after two drinks, I’m relaxed, and I have three full days away from work to look forward to.

  To be honest, it’s not just the drinks that are making me feel relaxed and loopy. It’s also that kiss. I’m not sure why Will did it, but I’m certain it doesn’t mean anything. Still, I can’t help but think of kissing him again.

  “I’m jealous,” Julia says, speaking quieter than usual—she usually has a loud voice.

  “Jealous?” I say.

  She looks out at the dark lake. “Of you and Will. And Jordan and Krista. I miss those first few months of being in love, when everything is like a dream.”

  I put a hand on her shoulder. “You’re getting married in September. Aren’t you excited?”

  “I’m tired more than anything. I have a big case at work, and...” She shakes her head. “It’s wedding stress. I’m sure it’s normal.”

  “It is,” Ridhi says. “And dealing with family certainly doesn’t help. On the drive here, I had not one, not two, but three phone calls from my mother about the wedding, as well as one from Ian’s mom. Mostly about the wedding favors. At this point, I’m
beyond caring, but my mother insists I have an opinion, then insists on disagreeing with me.”

  “Did I tell you about the typo on our invitations?” Julia asks. “I don’t know how I missed it. I had to have them reprinted.”

  We talk about weddings for a little longer before walking up from the beach to join the men. Then Will and I head to the guesthouse.

  My heart beats faster at the thought of being alone with him. I can’t help it.

  Chapter 6

  Will

  I’m not entirely sure why I kissed Naomi, though it was partly because I wanted to put a stop to her bumbling description of our first date, afraid she was blowing our cover. Although it doesn’t matter to me as much as it does to her, I’d still like to avoid the truth coming out since I don’t like drama. Plus, I told Jeremy I’d do this for his sister, so I ought to try my best.

  But that’s not the only reason I kissed Naomi.

  I think it was also partly because of the way she was looking at her ex, who was locking lips with his hot younger girlfriend. Did Naomi feel insecure next to Krista?

  She shouldn’t.

  Yes, I admit Jordan’s girlfriend is hot—I’m not blind—but in a generic, glossy magazine ad kind of way. Naomi is prettier. And cuter. And she has a much nicer smile.

  I’m not usually much for affection in public. The occasional touch and holding hands—when I’m in a relationship, that’s enough for me, and that’s all I planned to do with Naomi.

  Until I was overwhelmed by the need to kiss her.

  I should be honest with myself. I know the main reason I kissed her.

  I did it simply because I wanted to.

  If it happens again this weekend, that’s okay. I’ll blame it on our act. Though I must absolutely not take it any further than kissing, no matter how great the kissing is.

  We return to the guesthouse, and I glance at the double bed.

  Naomi takes her pajamas out of her suitcase. “I’m going to shower,” she says, not looking at me.

  I change into a T-shirt and gym shorts while she’s in the washroom. Then I pick up a book and start reading. I get through more than a chapter before she finally emerges from the washroom, wearing a skimpy tank top and pink shorts.

  Jesus. She’s not wearing a bra, and I can see her nipples through the fabric.

  I go to the washroom and brush my teeth. When I come back, she’s taking up more than her share of the bed.

  “Move over,” I say.

  “Why? Aren’t I using exactly half the bed?”

  “You’re taking up more than that.”

  “Am not.”

  Well, good to see that kiss hasn’t affected how we get along.

  “I’ve got a tape measure in the car,” I say. “Why don’t we check?”

  “That’s silly. You really want to get a tape measure?”

  “I was joking, Naomi. But seriously, you’re using more than half the bed, and you deserve less than half.”

  “Less than half! Why?”

  I gesture to my chest. “Because I’m bigger than you. I take up more room.”

  “You’re one person and I’m one person. We each get half the bed. You need your eyes checked if you think I’m taking up more than half.”

  “Actually, I got my eyes checked last week. They’re just fine, thank you very much.”

  “You’re ridiculous,” she says.

  “No, you’re ridiculous.”

  I don’t know why she brings out this side of me. This is such a stupid argument. Now, of course I’m right, but it’s not worth arguing about this anymore.

  “Fine,” I say. “I will be a gentleman and gallantly allow you take up more than your share of the bed.”

  “Thank you, sir.” She rolls her eyes. “Though I don’t think kissing a woman with tongue in public is a gentlemanly thing to do. You might want to look up that word in the dictionary.”

  “I did not...”

  No, she’s right. I did use tongue. Not very much, but I did.

  She looks at me smugly.

  I raise my eyebrows. “But it’s gentlemanly to please a lady, isn’t it? I know you enjoyed that kiss.”

  That sure shifts the mood. When she doesn’t say anything, I figure I’ve made her uncomfortable, so I try to go back to arguing.

  “It’s not ladylike to eat ten Timbits for lunch and leave rainbow sprinkles in the car.”

  “Can you shut up about the sprinkles? I’ll vacuum the seat if you want.” She looks down at the blankets. “Why did you kiss me?”

  I don’t know what she considers the right answer to that question. The wrong answer might piss her off, and she’s already rather pissed off.

  Hmph. Women are complicated.

  “As part of our act,” I say, settling onto my side of the bed. “Jordan and Krista are a new couple and they were making out constantly. I figured I should kiss you at least once.”

  “You don’t seem like the kissing-in-public type.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Yet you used tongue. Don’t deny it.”

  I cross my arms over my chest. “Fine. I’m not denying it. Happy?”

  “Are you attracted to me?”

  Oh, boy. I was not expecting that question. I don’t know how to answer. I look over at Naomi in her skimpy tank top that’s barely covering her breasts. Her lips are parted slightly, and they’re so tempting. I slipped my tongue between them before. I know how she tastes.

  Exquisite.

  The air is heavy and warm. My skin starts to prickle.

  Before I know what I’m doing, I’m on top of her, pressing her down into the soft mattress, my arms braced on either side of her shoulders.

  “What do you think?” I murmur.

  “I...I don’t...”

  I kiss her again. I softly brush my lips over hers and bring one hand up to cup her cheek, and then I’m kissing her more deeply. Showing her that yes, I do find her attractive. Very much so. She arches against me; she must be able to feel that I’m getting hard. I use tongue this time, too. More than before.

  “I’m practicing for our act,” I say.

  She shoves my shoulder, a smile on her face. “You’re full of shit. You’re attracted to me.”

  I roll off her and back to my tiny side of the bed. “You’re pretty. That’s just a fact.”

  We look at each other for a long minute, as if silently asking, what happens now?

  But this is Jeremy’s little sister, and I’m doing her the favor of pretending to be her boyfriend for the weekend. And pretending to be her boyfriend does not mean I get to screw her.

  Although I can’t help thinking about it.

  I wonder if she’s thinking about it as well.

  I switch off the lamp on the night table, cloaking us in darkness. I can’t see her pretty face anymore, though I can feel the mattress move as she adjusts her position, still taking up too much of the bed. Her shoulder bumps mine.

  No. That is not acceptable. I cannot be in physical contact with her as I try to fall asleep, or I might roll on top of her and kiss her again.

  “You trust me?” I ask. “You’re lying in bed—a small bed, I might add—with a man you hardly know. A man who’s kissed you twice. You trust me not to do anything?”

  “My brother has good judgment,” she says. “If he trusts you, then so do I.”

  “Admit it. You’re attracted to me as well.”

  “Mm. Perhaps.”

  I don’t push for more. It doesn’t really matter, since nothing can happen.

  Still, I’m pleased she didn’t deny it.

  I roll onto my side, facing away from her, so we’re not touching anymore. Rather than my usual method of sleeping sprawled across the bed, I keep my body compact. Since she’s allotted me less than half the bed, my knees are nearly hanging over the edge.

  Although we’re not touching, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s right beside me, and I want her, even though I shouldn’t. It’s not worth losing my
only close friend—my only in-person friend, and the first reader of all my books—over this.

  But dammit. She’s right over there, in thin cotton pajamas, and she kissed me back. With tongue—I wasn’t the only one using it. She kissed me back in private, when she couldn’t say it was just for show.

  And now I can’t help but think of how it would feel to slide into her wet heat.

  I need to get laid. I haven’t had much sex since I broke up with Carly two years ago. When I get home, I’m going to make that a priority, although finding a sex partner is difficult when you’re a hermit like me.

  Just sex—nothing more serious than that. No relationships.

  Naomi has fallen asleep. I wish I could join her in slumber, but I find her presence too distracting.

  This is going to be a long night.

  Chapter 7

  Naomi

  I sit up in bed and put my hands over my head, stretching my body to the left and to the right. I check the clock. I slept for more than eight hours, which is more than I usually manage. That must be why I feel so good.

  I doubt it has anything to do with the man in my bed.

  Will is still asleep, lying on his stomach, his head turned away from me. One of his legs is on my side of the bed. The man certainly did not keep to his half.

  His hair is rumpled, and the blanket is pushed down to his waist. It’s strange to see him so peaceful, not scowling at me and telling me he’s going to get a measuring tape to confirm that I’ve taken more than my half of the bed.

  Although I must admit, it’s rather fun arguing with him at times. Not on the car ride—that was a horror show—but last night’s argument about the bed was invigorating somehow.

  It’s also rather fun when he kisses me.

  I place my hand on my lips, remembering that kiss. The one in private, the one that was not at all for show. When it was just the two of us and a sizzle of heat in the air-conditioned room.

  I leave Will sleeping, and I get dressed and head to the beach house.

  Julia is the only one downstairs. She’s sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee, her red hair pulled into a messy bun.

  “How was your night?” she asks, staring into her coffee cup.