Operation One Night Stand

by Christine Hughes

“I need to get the fuck out of here,” I whispered to Melody.

  Between fits of laughter she managed to agree. “Me. Too. I swear I am going to pee myself.”

  On my hands and knees I crawled to my bike, grabbed my towel and water bottle, and hightailed my ass out of the room with Melody and Sarah hot on my heels.

  Stumbling through the door I collided with something solid, causing Sarah and Melody to crash into me.

  “What the—”

  “Hey there.”

  My knees gave out and the person standing in front of me caught me before I could embarrass myself anymore.

  “You okay?” He looked concerned.

  “Brian? What are you doing here?” Suddenly I was acutely aware of the fact I hadn’t showered and must’ve smelled like a cross between sweat and sex. The hair that’d managed to slip out of my ponytail was plastered to my face and I was holding my crotch.

  He nodded toward the doors behind me. “Warden Suzy too much for you today?” His eyes flicked down to my hands.

  I was still reeling from the fact that Brian, the reason my one night stand wasn’t perfect, was standing in front of me, his sweaty T-shirt clinging to biceps that hadn’t been visible through his shirt last night.

  “Ah, well, yeah. You know.” I couldn’t make a coherent sentence if someone dangled a pair of Louboutins in my face.

  “Hi! We met last night. I’m Sarah; this is Melody.”

  “I remember,” he answered, without taking his eyes off me. “You sure you’re okay?” He reached out and touched my shoulder.

  “Yeah. I’m good.” I crossed my arms over my chest in an attempt to appear casual.

  “So I hear.” That playful smirk danced across his mouth like it had the night before.

  “Brian! Yo! You ready, bro?”

  Every hair on my body stood on end. I knew that voice. Stiff as a board, I turned in the direction of the person I knew to be there.

  Ryan. They know each other?

  “Caroline.”

  “Ryan.”

  “Damn,” Sarah and Melody whispered in unison behind me, and I elbowed them in an attempt to shut them up.

  The words get out of here ran in a loop through my head over and over.

  “What are you doing here? I mean, this is your gym, too?” Ryan looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

  “Yeah, I, uh, spin class.” I gestured to the doors behind me.

  Sneaking a sideways glance at Brian, I saw that he had yet to take his eyes off me. He was covering his mouth with his hand. He thought this was funny?

  “Yeah, well, uh. Nice to see you. We have to go. Plans. You know.”

  “Hi! I don’t think we met. I’m Melody.” Shoving me out of the way, she stuck her hand out and Ryan took it while staring at me quizzically. “Nice to meet you.”

  “I’m Sarah. Caroline’s roommate.” Sarah pushed herself in front of me.

  Ryan’s face turned an awfully funny shade of red. The tips of his ears looked like he spent too much time in the sun.

  “Yeah, um. Sorry about the lamp.”

  Brian’s eyebrows skyrocketed off his face as he stifled a laugh.

  “No problem. People bang into things all the time. We can always buy new lamps.”

  I nearly choked at the way Sarah said bang. I tried to silently convey how uncomfortable I was but she continued.

  “So, you don’t sound like you’re from around here. Where’d you blow in from?” She couldn’t hide her smile no matter how hard she tried.

  Like me, Ryan choked at her choice of words. “I’m from Texas. I’m just staying with a friend until I can find my own place.”

  How did I miss the accent?

  Never one to pass up a chance at homing in on a new recruit, Melody stretched her neck. “Is your friend here?”

  Brian coughed and held up his hand with a two-finger salute.

  “You? You’re his friend? He’s staying with you?” I pointed back and forth between the two men as if doing so would somehow make the knowledge less embarrassing.

  “Yeah. We went to college together.”

  I needed the floor to open and swallow me whole.

  “Well, isn’t that great!” I faked a smile so plastic even Barbie would be proud. “We really, really have to go. Nice to meet you, er, uh, see you again—”

  “Ryan.” Brian pointed to his friend with a look of mock-seriousness on his face.

  “Yeah, I know that. Bye, Ryan. Bye, Brian.”

  Ryan waved halfheartedly. I think he was still trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

  “Hey, Caroline!” Brian called out.

  “Yeah?” I turned.

  “Looks like you don’t need those heels to be noticed from behind.”

  My mouth gaped open until Sarah reached over and closed it for me. My girls on either side of me, I was ushered into the locker room to shower and get ready for lunch.

  Chapter Seven

  None of us spoke until we were showered, dressed, and out the door. The girls, however, did laugh at me when I stealthily tiptoed my way from the locker room to the front door. I was on the lookout for Brian or Ryan. Just my dumb luck that the two of them knew each other. No, wait. Not just knew each other. Lived together.

  I must’ve been something to look at because Melody started humming the Pink Panther theme song.

  Once we hit the street, I whirled around. “You two couldn’t help me out in there? You”—I pointed at Sarah—“with your bang and blow remarks! Do you have any idea how mortified I was?”

  “I absolutely know how mortified you were. That’s why it was so funny.”

  Melody fell into a fit of giggles. “Ride, Caroline! Ride!”

  “You aren’t helping.”

  “Aw, come on. We figured you’d never run into them again. We were wrong. Chalk it up to an awkward encounter. Look, I love you like a back-alley hooker loves crack but if you can’t see the funny, you aren’t the Caroline I know.”

  I sighed and plopped down on a bench, wincing in the process. The throbbing subsided but it still hurt to sit. “You’re right.”

  “This shit really would only happen to you, Care,” Melody said.

  “I know, right? Like I have some idiot badge on my head.”

  “You don’t have an idiot badge. I promise I would have taken a butt load of pictures of it and posted it all over social media if that were the case.”

  Leave it to my girls to diffuse me. I really was lucky to have them in my corner.

  “Let’s eat.”

  “About time. I’m starving.”

  We walked the block to the café. Ordering was easy. We chose the three greasiest plates on the menu. Nothing like clogging the arteries after a night of drinking and sex followed by a quick spin in the gym.

  “So, that was weird, right?” Melody pulled back the curtain to reveal the elephant in the room.

  “What was weird?” I tried to act like I had no idea what she was talking about while I shoved a huge bite of medium-rare cheeseburger in my mouth. I couldn’t talk if my mouth was full, right?

  “You know what.” Sarah glanced at me sideways as she picked apart her BLT.

  “Ryan. Brian. Texas and the bartender? Friends. Roommates.” Melody wasn’t going to let it go.

  “It’s fine, right? I mean, so what? I brought Ryan back to my place last night, was fucked sideways—”

  “And upside down,” Sarah added.

  “And upside down, thank you. And I screamed Brian’s name.”

  Sarah got up to pat Melody on the back as she choked on a French fry. “You what?” she finally asked after she’d taken a long sip of her diet soda.

  “You didn’t tell her?” I glared at Sarah.

  “Not my story to tell.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I dropped my head to the table.

  “Yes. Yes, I may have, inadvertently, kind of mentioned Brian’s name while I was having sex with Ryan.”

  “Well, Jesus Christ, doll. No wond
er it was so awkward back at the gym. It was like a reverse rodeo.”

  “I don’t know what that is. Like a reverse cowgirl?”

  “Yes. No. Look, it’s like the joke says, call a girl by the wrong name and hold on tight while she gets mad.” She laughed and Sarah and I stared at her. “No? You never heard that one. Must just be me.”

  “Look, it’s no big deal. I’ll probably never see them again—”

  “Um, I don’t know about you but I like the gym and I like Murphy’s and unless you plan on never hanging out with us again—”

  “Look, Brian flirted because it’s his job. He’s a bartender. He’s a flirt. And Ryan, well, maybe he’ll find a place far away and I’ll never see him again. It was just one night. One one-night stand. I finally got it out of my system.”

  Melody reached across the table and pilfered a fry from my plate. “You see, Care, that’s where you’re wrong. A one night stand is like this French fry here.” She popped it in her mouth and grabbed another. “You can’t have just one.” She giggled, slopped it in a pile of ketchup, and bit it in half.

  “No. No, no, no.” I shook my head. “There will be no more one night stands. No more picking up random guys at a bar. No more breaking of lamps.”

  “No more Lots O’Lube?”

  “Lots O’Lube?” Melody’s eyes were wide.

  “Shut up. No. As a matter of fact, maybe I’ll just stop having sex altogether until I get my shit straight.”

  Both girls leaned back in their seats and considered me.

  “Really. Thank you ladies for pulling me out of my pity party. I am sure the ice cream makers of the world were despondent over the whole thing. I just really think I need to focus on me. I start a new job when we get back from Jamaica and I don’t need to be distracted.”

  “But that’s exactly why you need to be distracted. What happened the last time you focused on one area of your life? Steven took it over, that’s what. And not for nothing, I’m pretty sure that guy had more dick in his personality than in his pants.” Sarah gave me the look. The one that said Go ahead, try to argue my point.

  I couldn’t. She wasn’t wrong about that. I pursed my lips.

  “I agree with you—leave the relationships alone for a while, but you’re wrong if you think you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Have a little side of fun with your work. I’m not saying go out and screw every guy in a ten-mile radius—”

  “Right. Five miles should do it,” Melody piped in.

  “Exactly.” Sarah continued, “I don’t want to see you in the state of mind you were in two months ago—hell, even two weeks ago. Look, you did nothing wrong. You’re twenty-eight years old, you’re pretty, and you have a great ass.”

  “Thank you.” Suddenly I saw the burger I was eating nestling into my ass. My appetite waned.

  “You’re welcome. So you slept with a stranger. Who hasn’t? Best part? The target has an accent. Southern is so sexy.”

  “I think Texas is more southwest,” I said, lost in thought.

  “Do you think he has a cowboy hat?” Melody piped in.

  “Do all people from Texas own cowboy hats? Isn’t that a bit of a stereotype? I mean, not all of us from Jersey perm our hair to within an inch of its life and shellac it with Aqua Net,” I replied.

  “I don’t know. That’s an eighties thing, girl. Doesn’t matter, though, Jersey girls just do it better. I wonder what he looks like shirtless with torn-up jeans and a Stetson.”

  “Isn’t Stetson a cologne?”

  “It’s a hat, too.” Melody winked.

  “Whatever. Like I said, one night stand, who hasn’t?” Sarah reasoned.

  “I certainly have. More than once. It’s fun to get validation once in a while. I mean, maybe I have a few extra pounds on my hips. I’m not the skinniest bitch on the block, but I give great head and that cancels out the few extra pounds on my ass. Then again, I am a size awesome.” Melody took another bite of her grilled cheese. “I am all for girl power, woman power, whatever. But any girl who tells you she doesn’t like to feel pretty every now and then or need occasional validation from a member of the opposite sex is a liar, doesn’t know how to give a good blow job, and probably hasn’t ever had an orgasm. Nothing worse than an orgasmless liar.”

  “What are you saying?” I couldn’t follow Melody’s train of thought. It wasn’t the first time.

  “I’m saying we need orgasms and to say you don’t is a lie.”

  “I can see how you were saying that.” Sarah nodded.

  “I guess so.” I contemplated what they had said while keeping myself busy with my soda straw. “You both have valid points. Just do me a favor and don’t let me become a slut.”

  “Aw, sweetie. Who are we to judge?”

  “True.”

  I sat lost in thought for a bit when my phone rang. I reached into my gym bag and dug it out. I didn’t recognize the number.

  “Who is it?” Sarah asked.

  “No idea. Local, though.”

  “Answer it.”

  Right.

  “Hello?”

  “Caroline?”

  “Yes?”

  “This is, uh, Ryan.”

  There’s the accent. I am quite sure my eyes bugged out of my head.

  “Who is it?” Sarah whispered.

  Placing my hand over the phone I replied, “Ryan.”

  Melody made a crude gesture as she bobbed her head up and down, her fist in front of her mouth. I rolled my eyes.

  “Caroline, you there?”

  “Oh, sorry. Yeah. How are you?” I stared at my friends, who were trying to keep from laughing.

  “Good. So, today was weird. Running into you at the gym, I mean.”

  “Yeah. Weird. So what’s up?”

  “Don’t be rude,” Melody whispered.

  “I mean, what are you doing?” I made a face at her.

  “Nothing. Look, I was wondering, if you’re free, I mean, if you wanted to have dinner on Friday.”

  “We’ll be in Jamaica Friday.” I have to say, I was disappointed.

  “Well, then the following Friday?”

  “The following Friday?” I looked at Sarah and Melody again. I wasn’t sure what to do.

  “Say yes!” Melody squeaked a little too loudly.

  “Did I interrupt you?” Ryan sounded concerned.

  “No, just a, uh”—I stood and walked away from the table—“dog.”

  Melody stuck her tongue out at me while Sarah gave me the finger and barked.

  “Oh, so Friday after next?”

  “Yeah. Sure. Sounds great.” I was fidgety, running my hands through my hair, effectively pulling most of it out of my ponytail holder.

  “Excellent. So, I’ll pick you up at eight?”

  “Yeah, sure. Sounds great. You know where I live.” I was a queen wordsmith. All the great ones repeat themselves. Good thing I was starting my new assistant editor job in a week.

  “That I do,” Ryan replied with what I perceived to be a bit of innuendo. I didn’t know what to do with that.

  “So, okay. I’ll see you next week.”

  “That you will. Have fun in Jamaica. Bye, Caroline.”

  “Bye.”

  I hung up and walked back to the table only to find my two best friends whispering with their heads together.

  “So I have a date with Ryan. I don’t really know what to do with that.”

  Melody clapped her hands. “From what I hear, you know exactly what to do with that.”

  I dropped my head to the table, slowly banging it a few times.

  “Ryan.” Sarah elongated his name.

  I popped my head up and looked at her. “That’s what I said.”

  “Maybe it would be a good idea to practice saying his name. You know, in case you forget.”

  “Nice, Sarah.”

  “I’m just saying. Everyone needs a smart-ass sarcastic friend in their lives and I’m so very happy to be of service to you in your time of need.”


  “Yeah, yeah. You’re always just saying.” I pushed my plate away, silently repeating his name over and over in my head.

  “Come on.” Sarah stood and dropped money on the table. “We have appointments. Manis and pedis.”

  “Girls, this time tomorrow we’ll be baking on the soft, warm sands of Jamaica.”

  Chapter Eight

  We arrived at the resort in Montego Bay just before noon and were on the beach, drinks in hand, an hour later.

  “This”—Melody sipped her rum punch—“is what we needed. Fuck all that snow. Fuck all that dreary weather. We need sun.”

  “You aren’t kidding.” Sarah rolled over onto her stomach after she handed me the suntan lotion. “If I had to deal with one more administrator talking to me about leaving no child behind or whatever the fuck, I honestly think I was going to shoot myself. Common Core my asshole.”

  I half-listened to the two of them go on about the pleasures of a sun-filled winter vacation. My head was stuck processing the events of the past weekend. I’d finally taken the plunge. I’d had sex with a stranger. Good sex. Excellent sex. Mind-blowing, bucket-list sex.

  I’d lived through the awkward next day encounter. Ryan was the perfect target. Tall, built, hot as hell. And he’d asked for a date the following week. I wasn’t sure what to do with that. Wasn’t a one night stand just that? One night? I was sure I was breaking some weird rule about the whole one night procedure.

  Who said, of course, that it had to be anything more? Maybe I’d never have sex with him again. Maybe dinner means just dinner. Maybe dinner meant he felt as awkward as I did when we ran into each other at the gym yesterday. Maybe he’ll tell me he has crabs.

  “Care?”

  “What?” Even with sunglasses I needed to shield my eyes. Melody’s metallic swimsuit reflected back at me with the strength of an eclipse. I was pretty sure I’d go blind.

  “You okay?”

  “What if he gave me crabs?” I looked back at the ocean, picturing tiny little crabs marching toward me.

  “You’re bald as a baby doll down there.”

  “So?”

  “Oh my God, Care. It’s like teaching a newbie. Crabs are lice. Lice need hair. You have no hair. As in none. As in zilch. As in—”

  “You think too much.” Melody finished Sarah’s thought.