You're Being Summoned, Darkness

by Natsume Akatsuki

  I paced restlessly back and forth through the room, picking up one article after another and examining them. I didn’t know how to appraise them, but I’m sure they were all expensive.

  This painting, for example. At a glance you might mistake it for a child’s scribbles, but I’m sure it was very modern.

  I gazed at the image, rubbing my chin and muttering “Hmm” in a way that looked very much like I knew something about art.

  “Kazuma, you like those scribbles that much?”

  Aqua, who knew nothing about art, apparently felt she could criticize this show of appreciation.

  “Well, what can I expect from the hoi polloi? This is called ‘avant-garde art,’ and for those who know how to assess it, it’s truly spectacular. I’m sure this is the work of someone very famous.”

  I did my best to pretend I knew what I was talking about, while Aqua lounged on the couch and sipped tea.

  “Well, I know something about art,” she said, “and that just looks like scribbles to me.”

  I shrugged dramatically at hopeless Aqua. “I guess this just goes to show that the ability to create art and the ability to appreciate it are two separate things. Take this part, for example. It may look nonsensical, but clearly…”

  As I began to lecture by the seat of my pants, Darkness walked in the room.

  “Sorry to keep you two waiting… Kazuma, that’s a picture of my father I drew when I was a kid. Dad loved it and hung it up there so he could brag about it to visitors, but personally I think it’s embarrassing, so please don’t examine it too closely… Wh-what are you doing?! Don’t pull on my braid!”

  I tugged on Darkness’s hair to let off some of my humiliation as Aqua smirked at me. In the middle of it all, a maid walked in carrying outfits for a maid and a butler.

  The maid bowed to me, the outfits still in her hands.

  “Master Kazuma, this is your butler’s uniform. I believe it should fit you, but please try it on to be sure.”

  I took a set of clothes from the maid and was led into the next room, where I changed.

  Perfect fit.

  “Looks good to me.”

  At that, the maid bowed and withdrew to a corner of the room.

  Having convinced Darkness’s father to take me on as a “temporary butler,” and now really looking the part, I came out to where Darkness was waiting.

  Aqua was already there in her maid outfit.

  They say clothes make the man—or in this case, the woman. The uniform suited her surprisingly well.

  “Hey, Aqua, that actually looks good on you. You’d fit right in with the staff here.”

  “Speak for yourself, Kazuma—you just scream ‘apprentice butler.’ I can picture it now: the more experienced butlers hazing you, you crying in some hidden corner of this mansion. Not bad, not bad at all!”

  “What an interesting little scenario you have there. It’s so interesting, in fact, that if we weren’t in a noble’s house right now, I’d make you pay for it… Oh well. Are you ready, Miss Lalatina?”

  “S-stop calling me that! In public, at least…at least call me Young Lady.”

  Darkness’s name seemed to embarrass her quite a bit.

  Apparently the meeting was to be held at this house. And unfortunately, Darkness’s dad had already made a certain request of me.

  A very inconvenient request.

  He had asked me to help make sure his daughter didn’t act inappropriately toward the young man.

  And he’d said something else I was having trouble with.

  He’d told me that if the match went well, there would be a reward.

  So not only had he asked me to look after his interests, but he’d thrown in a reward to sweeten the deal.

  It couldn’t help but motivate me.

  I had planned on getting in the way as well as I could if Lord Alderp’s son turned out to be no good, but now I was starting to think that maybe it would be possible to forgive some minor flaws.

  “Come on, you two, this way. Are you ready? Do you both understand what to do? I’m counting on you.” Darkness, visibly anxious, gave us final instructions, and then we turned toward the foyer where we were to meet our guest.

  As she strode forward, flanked by Dustiness maids, Darkness was nothing so much as the precious daughter of a noble house.

  As we made our way to the foyer, Aqua, walking behind me, eyed a number of the objects we passed.

  “Hey, that looks pretty fancy…” She stared at a vase with a handle like she’d never seen one before.

  Well, she’d seen through the drawing earlier. Maybe she did know what was valuable.

  I began to take an interest in the vase that caught her attention. I picked it up casually, but it was surprisingly heavy.

  “Fancy, huh? How much do you figure it’s worth?”

  “H-hey, don’t go touching everything. That’s my father’s favorite vase…”

  Darkness reached out for the handles on either side of the vase I’d picked up.

  “My unclouded appraising eye can tell that this vase is worth…”

  Ping!

  ““Huh?!””

  With a ringing sound and a soft exclamation from both Darkness and me, a single handle was left in Darkness’s hand.

  “My appraising eye can tell this vase is junk now.”

  “Wh-wh-what do we do?! That was my father’s vase!” She held the grip in her hand, fretting.

  “St-stay calm! Your dad’s not here right now. There are two possibilities. One, we tell him after the other guy gets here. He can’t get angry with you in front of a guest. Two! We make some quick repairs with rice or something, then move it somewhere where it’ll just fall on the floor when your dad picks it up.”

  “I—I see; that’s brilliant! Good thinking, Kazuma, you’re sharp! If we tell him about it in front of our guest, he’ll just wait till the guy goes home to get angry. Let’s do some temporary repairs and put it where it’ll be easy to knock over—I’ll tell the servants to be sure not to touch it!”

  A Dustiness maid who had overheard our conversation said, “Pardon me, young sir, but…please do not teach the young lady such inappropriate things…”

  5

  Servants formed a neat line just outside the foyer, while Darkness and her father stood square in the middle of it.

  Aqua and I were on either side of Darkness. It occurred to me to wonder where her mother was, but I couldn’t spare too much thought for it right then.

  “I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’ve accepted this meeting. When Alderp came to me, I wondered what he could possibly want, but when I heard him out, I told him you wouldn’t refuse. Alderp himself notwithstanding, his son, the young master Balter, is truly a good man. He will make you happy, Lalatina!”

  Darkness’s father smiled broadly at her.

  But Darkness replied unequivocally.

  “I find that most uncongenial, Father. Your Lalatina said only that she would consider the proposal. Heh-heh-heh… And after consideration, I have determined that it is too soon for me to be a bride. At this point in time nothing can be done—I have accepted this meeting, but I never said I would marry him! I shall make a mockery of this arranged match. A mockery! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

  Darkness had apparently decided there was no more need for games.

  Her father regarded us seriously, his face growing pale.

  “D-don’t tell me… You two helped plan this all along…?!”

  He eyed me with something like fear.

  This was trouble. The blood had rushed to Darkness’s head, and she was in danger of forgetting to stop before she hurt the family name.

  She probably figured we were in too deep to pull back now.

  Well, if she was done playing games, so was I.

  “…Young Lady, please refrain from such unbecoming pronouncements.”

  At my words, Darkness and her father both looked at me in shock.

  Aqua, who seemed to have taken a liking
to the maid’s outfit, happily flicked at the hem of her skirt, totally oblivious to what was going on.

  Darkness, however, grasped all too well what was happening and scrunched up her face. Her father, on the other hand, beheld me with tears in his eyes as a savior from heaven.

  “Kazuma, y-you fiend! You traitor!”

  “It is hardly a betrayal, Young Lady. I am a butler, however temporarily, of the Dustiness household. Your happiness is my abiding wish.”

  “Oh-ho…,” responded her father with admiration. “Y-young Kazuma—that’s your name, isn’t it? Even if this meeting doesn’t result in a match, I’ll— If only you can help Lalatina not to do anything ill-mannered—you will be rewarded generously! So p-please…!”

  Before he could finish his thought, I gave a deep bow.

  “Leave everything to me, sir. My every strength and effort shall be directed to the young lady’s—”

  Then it happened.

  The door to the foyer opened with a click, and there was the young man from the picture, accompanied by an entourage of his own.

  Darkness, seeking to seize the initiative, folded her arms, glared at the guy, and burst out:

  “So you’re the one I’m supposed to meet, huh! I’m Lalatina Ford Dustiness! You may call me Lady Dustiness.”

  “Oh, Young Lady! I’m afraid a mosquito has landed on the back of your head!”

  And with that, I gave Darkness a firm smack.

  6

  Shortly after I had reined in Darkness…

  On the pretext that I wanted to make sure the mosquito hadn’t bitten her, I bought us some time by hustling Darkness away into the next room, leaving the guy with only her father to talk to.

  “Geez, what’s the big idea?! Weren’t you supposed to be helping me?!”

  Darkness grabbed me by the collar and dragged me out into the hallway.

  Next to us, Aqua, who still hadn’t fully grasped the situation, appeared to have grown enamored with the texture of Darkness’s braid and poked at it contentedly.

  Time for me to take the stand for a cross-examination.

  “Now, now, calm yourself, Young Lady. You’re forgetting one important thing.”

  “Don’t call me Young Lady when we’re alone! …And what important thing?”

  Darkness seemed slightly mollified and ready to listen.

  “You’re losing sight of the fact that you don’t want to do anything to damage your family name. If the Dustinesses get a bad reputation, it’ll hurt you more than anyone, right?”

  Darkness furrowed her brow.

  “How will it hurt me? The worse my reputation gets, the fewer proposals I’ll receive, and then I can just go adventuring like I want. The worst thing that can possibly happen is my father disinherits me, and I’m ready for that. With no home to inherit, I’ll have to fight valiantly to survive—maybe it’ll even become necessary to take the truly crazy quests! And eventually one will be so insane that I can’t handle it, and some agent of the Demon King will capture me, tie me down, and…! ……That’s the life I want to lead.”

  The young lady had expressed her ridiculous hopes for the future, but she wasn’t finished.

  “That guy’s not even my type. My father has never brought me a decent prospect.”

  I looked askance at her then. I thought he seemed like a pretty good catch.

  “Are you sure he’s as bad as all that? Your dad made it sound like he was pretty great. I mean, I only have his looks to go on, but…”

  She answered, “His name is Balter Barnes Alexei. He’s a cool young man who seems to be made of better stuff than his father, and he’s well regarded among the populace, too.”

  This brought a reaction from Aqua.

  “Balter of the Alexei household has a good reputation in Axel, too. He often gives to the less fortunate. I’ve benefited from his generosity a number of times.”

  Wh-why, you…!

  Darkness looked put out.

  “No means no! My father should be giving to the poor! Not some noble family that just wants to marry us!”

  “O-oh, so you mean… I get it. He puts up this great front, but actually he’s involved in all kinds of shady stuff? S-sorry, I didn’t realize…”

  I should’ve known I was too quick to embrace that kid. I kind of regretted it. But Darkness went on:

  “No! He’s actually supposed to be a really good guy. He never gets angry, doesn’t berate his servants when they make mistakes, just tries to figure out why the problem happened—it’s so…so weird!”

  …? He sounds pretty nice.

  “He’s also a really hard worker—he studies every day because the more he knows, the more he can help people. He’s smart, and so good with a sword he was the youngest person ever to be knighted. There isn’t a single bad rumor about him—he’s like the picture of the perfect man. He speaks out against his father’s poor leadership and is trying to change things.”

  ………

  “Hey,” Aqua said, puzzled. “Everything you’ve said so far makes him sound like a pretty great catch, Darkness. So what don’t you like about him?”

  “What don’t I like about him?! Everything! Anything! First of all, nobles are supposed to act like nobles! Have a permanent condescending smirk on their faces! Yet he looks at me with those clear, honest eyes—what’s that about? Can’t he, you know…look at me with a nasty drinking-me-in expression like Kazuma does when I’m hanging around the house lightly dressed?”

  “Wh-wh-what? I d-d-do not look at you like that!”

  Darkness ignored my questionable protests and went on.

  “And he doesn’t get angry when his people make mistakes? Ridiculous! When a maid screws up, you do whatever you want to her and call it punishment—it’s practically a sign of good breeding among the elite! He doesn’t understand anything! His servants probably mess up on purpose because they want him to yell at them! If you call yourself a noble, you should at least have the resourcefulness to have a tryst with every single maid in the house!”

  “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who thinks any of that.”

  Darkness completely ignored my interjection—her fist was clenched as if to say she could hardly take it anymore. Her torrential argument continued unabated.

  “That guy could probably take on the world by himself—he’s the exact opposite of my type! I don’t care if he’s thin as a rail or big as a boulder, he just shouldn’t look so striking. I want him to be totally devoted to me—but he should be weak-willed enough that if a pretty young thing passes by, he can’t help leering at her. And he’s got to be kind of pervy, in the mood at every hour of the day—that’s a must. It sure wouldn’t hurt if he was in a bit of debt! And he should never work, just drink all day—but he’d blame society for his problems. Then he’d throw an empty bottle at me and shout, ‘Hey, Darkness! Go use that worthless body of yours to scrounge us up some cash!’ …Nnggh…”

  Her explanation ended as she began to quiver and blush too hard to go on.

  Damn! There’s no hope for this girl—I’m already too late.

  Aqua and I stood there, despair looming over us, when suddenly—

  “…Enough!” Darkness announced. “I’ll ruin this meeting myself! If you want to try to stop me, Kazuma, just be ready for the consequences!” Then she left the room, her fury obvious.

  Aqua and I stood there by ourselves for a moment, silent.

  Finally Aqua said in a barbed tone, “Kazuma, just what are you playing at?”

  “You saw her father’s face,” I said. “That’s a man who’s genuinely worried about his daughter’s future. And you heard what she said about the guy’s reputation. In other words, this isn’t a political marriage—it’s a dad who really wants his daughter to be happy.”

  “So what?” Aqua said hotly. “He still doesn’t have the right to make life decisions for her just because—”

  But I didn’t let her finish.

  “Darkness is nobility. I think it�
�s pretty common for nobles not to be able to make their own marriages. If you’re born an aristocrat, you get to grow up in the lap of luxury, receive the best education…not that you could tell by looking at Darkness. But in return for living off tax money, you don’t get as much freedom as the common people. Every status in life has its pros and cons. Commoners have freedom but no money. Nobles have money but no freedom. To grow up with everything—and then to want to determine the course of your own life, too? That’s just selfish. If anything, I’m impressed she got away with living her own life for as long as she did. And then she gets to marry a guy with no flaws! I’ll bet no one would be very amused to hear she objected to that.”

  But no matter how long I talked at her, Aqua didn’t seem convinced.

  “…But! Doesn’t it still just seem like too much…?!”

  “Well, that’s not the only reason…”

  Aqua stood stock-still at that.

  “…What?”

  I crouched in toward her, my face serious.

  “Aqua. Our goal is to defeat the Demon King and make it back to Earth, right? And what does Darkness really want?”

  Aqua leaned in, too, looking slightly confused, as if she wasn’t sure I was asking her honestly.

  “Um… I don’t…? T-to skip marriage and just go adventuring with us…?”

  When she tried to give a safe answer, I found myself shouting:

  “Wrong! I’m not asking about what she wants on the surface! You know what I’m talking about—say it! Don’t be embarrassed; just say it! I want to see the expression on your face when you have to put it into words!”

  “She wants super-strong monsters to overpower her and do all kinds of pervy stuff to her! …K-Kazuma, I think this counts as sexual harassment already…”

  She was on the verge of tears, but I pushed on.

  “No, it doesn’t! Look, you may be a real idiot yourself, but she’s an absolute idiot who’s way beyond help! Her dream is to be abducted and tortured by monsters? Moron! Try telling her dad that! If you’ve got the guts! Sorry, sir, but your beloved daughter has big dreams of being assaulted by monsters! Please put off the wedding so she can go make her dreams come true! You go tell him that!”