You're Being Summoned, Darkness

by Natsume Akatsuki

  “I told you not to put it that way! What are people going to think?!”

  As Aqua and I argued, Megumin turned to our Crusader and said, “Welcome home, Darkness. I won’t ask what happened. Please, start with a nice bath. Relax your body and mind.”

  “A…a bath? What in the world are you talking about, Megumin? For that matter, what is Aqua talking about? That unique kind of play sounds rather interesting…”

  Darkness stood there in her dress, stealing glances at Aqua and me and muttering.

  “You’re probably tired,” I said. “Just take it easy for today. You’re finally back; that’s enough for us. Take a warm bath and have a good cry.”

  “Will someone please tell me what is going on? Why do you all think I need to cry? Why do I have to take a bath? …What is it, Aqua? Why are you pulling on my sleeve?”

  Aqua’s tears had dried up, and she was tugging at the white dress as if trying to figure out what it was made of.

  “No doubt this is some high-class clothing. Definitely the sort of thing a lord would give as compensation.”

  “Darkness,” I said earnestly, “you really did a good job this time. Putting yourself through all that to save me…”

  “Idiot! I don’t know what any of you are thinking! Lord Alderp didn’t do anything untoward to me, and this is my dress. What, did you think I wasn’t able to come home because Lord Alderp was having his way with me all this time?!”

  “Well, sure we did. We figured you’d be in pretty dire straits right about now. But wait… If that dress didn’t come from him, where’d you get something so expensive? You said it’s yours. Do you do princess cosplay? Are you trying to pioneer some new genre?”

  “I am not! Th-this isn’t cosplay! I am sorry to have worried you. That lord doesn’t have the guts to do anything indecent to me. But that’s not important now. Look at this!”

  Darkness thrust a sort of photo album at me.

  Well, not so much an album…

  “What’s this? Huh? Who’s the hot dude? Ooh, I hate guys like him!”

  I unconsciously reached out toward the breezy-looking young guy and… Riiip…

  “Huh?! What are you doing?! That’s a matchmaking picture! If you do that, I won’t be able to refuse the meeting!”

  Huh?!

  “What? I’m sorry! My hand just kind of moved on its own… Wait, matchmaking picture?!”

  I gaped at her, dumbfounded, still holding the pieces.

  “Yes! That underhanded Alderp! I said I would do any one thing he asked, but that was because I knew my father would never stand for him requesting anything inappropriate,” she said with a groan.

  “H-hang on, take a step back. Who is this guy? Anyway, I’d say being forced to marry someone you don’t want to is pretty inappropriate. What’s the connection between Lord Alderp and the guy in this photo? And if you hate him so much, why not just have your dad refuse? Here, I’ll fix this tear. Aqua, sorry, but could you bring me a little bit of rice?”

  “Sure thing.”

  After Aqua pattered off, I urged the tearful Darkness to sit on the sofa, hoping to calm her down.

  “That’s a photo of Alderp’s son. That old dog, he knew he could never get away with asking to marry me himself. But my father has a pretty high opinion of his son. He’s probably more in favor of this marriage than anyone else. Although I don’t understand why Lord Alderp would want to marry his son to me…”

  As she spoke, Darkness lowered herself onto the couch and looked at the chaotic tabletop.

  Aqua came back with the rice and sat next to Darkness, then took it upon herself to begin repairing the picture. In another corner of the table from where Aqua was working were the blueprints for the item I had devised for Wiz’s shop. Darkness picked them up and said with interest, “What’s this? What a strange thing you’ve drawn. What’s it supposed to be?”

  Megumin, putting on her boots in the foyer, responded, “We came up with some schemes to make money in the time you were out, Darkness. That’s a useful device Kazuma designed. He plans to stock it in Wiz’s store.”

  “Oh? You always did have good Luck, didn’t you, Kazuma? You’d probably do well in business.”

  “Yeah, good Luck. I’ve been having some serious doubts about that lately. If my Luck’s so good, shouldn’t I have more helpful party members? Should I be under a mountain of debt and getting involved in every stupid fight that comes along? Shouldn’t I have a better life?”

  All three of them gave a start.

  “I-I’m being married off because I covered for you! And not because I want you to be indebted to me, but because I believe in party members helping each other! I know I’m a lot of trouble most of the time, but it’s just as natural for me to help you like this!”

  A single bead of sweat ran down Darkness’s cheek as she made her case.

  “A-and I am going to meet Yunyun now! And actually—yes! It is to brainstorm ways to clear your name, Kazuma!”

  This came from Megumin in the foyer, not quite able to look at us.

  So that was why she’d been getting ready to go out.

  “Welp, it looks like you two have Kazuma covered, so maybe I’ll go clean the toilet or something! I don’t know why, I just feel like it needs it. Don’t get up—I’ll handle it!”

  And so our toilet goddess left off repairing the photo and practically ran out of the room to go clean the john.

  As everyone seemed about to go their separate ways, Darkness waved her hand frantically to stop us and, nearly in tears, said, “Wh-what am I going to do? I was… I was out all that time because I was trying to find some way to stop this match, but it’s proceeding further and further along. Actually, I came here because…because the actual meeting is this afternoon. I’m out of time. I’m really sorry, but could one of you come with me and help talk to my father?”

  2

  “…So let me see if I understand this correctly. Your father has always wanted you to quit the dangerous work of adventuring, so he has tried to arrange matches given the slightest chance. But you, Darkness, do not yet want to get married, and have refused all such proposals.” Megumin summarized as she stood in the foyer with her boots on.

  At the table, Aqua had resumed trying to repair the picture. As the one who had damaged it, I had meant to fix it myself, but she seemed to be having fun and, more importantly, to be doing a great job. So I decided to let her do what she liked.

  She sure had a lot of really random talents…

  “…Ngh, that’s right. Honestly, I’m happy living the way we are now. If we keep adventuring like this, then one day I might become more widely known, and then an evil Wizard or an agent of the Demon King might notice me, and then he might take me helplessly prisoner and subject me to terrible torments. He’d dream up something awful, I’m sure. He’d slap me in chains and manacles, make me most unlike a lady…! N-nooo! Stoooop!”

  “Maybe you really should get married and settle down.” I took a step back from Darkness, who was red-faced and sweaty from her own fantasy.

  Twirling her staff, Megumin said with some bemusement, “I see. Normally these meetings are your father’s suggestion, so you can turn them down. But this time, you’ve said you will do anything Lord Alderp asks, and he is a local ruler, so you cannot refuse. But why should he take such a circuitous route to get you? And why marry you to his son? A person of his station could get away with taking you as a concubine by force, if he really wanted to.”

  Darkness looked at the ground. She put her hands together in front of her chest and twiddled her thumbs for a moment before replying:

  “My… My real name is Lalatina Ford Dustiness. I’m the daughter of a…a fairly substantial noble house.”

  “What?!” we all exclaimed.

  Our collective surprise caused a painful cloud to flit over Darkness’s face. For a second, she looked terribly lonely.

  I guessed we weren’t the first to have that reaction upon hearing her true name.


  “Dustiness…! You mean the Dustinesses who are supposed to practically run the country?! They’re not ‘substantial,’ they’re huge! They’re based in our town?!”

  Darkness responded quietly to Megumin’s surprised yelp:

  “…Yes.”

  Aqua was next.

  “What?! You mean if your family adopted me, I could spend all day, every day in the lap of luxury?!”

  Darkness, clearly not expecting this turn of the imagination, said hesitantly, “Y-yes… I mean, wait. My family isn’t looking for an adopted daughter right now.”

  I, however, immediately latched on to the most important thing.

  “Darkness… You’re normally all Mm and I concur and serious Knight stuff. And all this time you’ve had an adorable name like Lalatina?!”

  “D-don’t call me that…!” Lalatina shouted, her face red and her eyes brimming with tears.

  Megumin finally unfroze from her shock and sat down on the carpet near the foyer.

  “Whew. Well, I am certainly surprised. But Darkness is Darkness. To me, that means an extremely tough Crusader and a valuable friend. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  The words seemed to cheer Darkness a little bit.

  “……Right. We’ll come through this together,” she said, then gave a relieved smile.

  Aqua looked at the two of them beaming, then pointed to herself.

  “Hey, can I share a shocking revelation, too? I mean, I know you didn’t believe me last time, but…I’m really an actual goddess!”

  “Are you?” they replied. “Good for you!”

  “Please believe meee!”

  Sniffling, Aqua returned to trying to repair the damaged matchmaking picture.

  I thought to myself as I watched the three of them.

  All of a sudden, a lot of things made a lot more sense.

  This explained why Darkness seemed to know less about this world than I did, even though I had come from Japan. And it explained why she’d shown up today in such a weird costume.

  Maybe Lord Alderp’s attempt to marry Darkness to his son was some kind of strategic move. If he couldn’t have her himself, at least he could have her in the same house.

  If we didn’t do something, our beloved Crusader was going to be somebody’s bride.

  Our…beloved…hmm? Hmmm?

  “So we have to take this and make a case to persuade your father, right? Here. What do you think? Good as new!”

  My train of thought was interrupted by Aqua, who handed me the matchmaking photograph with a self-satisfied look. She had repaired it so carefully you would never have known it was ever damaged.

  Hang on. Darkness was going to be a bride.

  In other words, the Crusader who was totally unable to hit her target was going to leave our party.

  And didn’t they always say weddings were a joyful occasion?

  It wasn’t as if we were kicking anyone out of our party, even if she was kind of useless.

  I didn’t dislike Darkness, after all. Sure, she could be pretty strange, but she wasn’t a bad person.

  But who knew what the future held for our party? Was it really fair to restrict the daughter of a noble family to a life of adventuring with us?

  No, it certainly wasn’t.

  If Darkness got married, it would be a load off her parents’ minds as well. And truth be told, I often worried for her myself.

  What would happen on the off chance we actually made it to the Demon King’s castle? We’d just get in trouble, and then she would be sure to happily say something like, Forget about me! Run!

  No doubt she would be imagining what kinds of things would happen to her when she was captured and joyfully saying, “Ki…kill me…”

  In other words, this was a great idea! Everyone could be happy.

  “Right… We just give this back, make up some reason I can’t accept, and apologize. Then all we have to do is persuade my father… And for that, I’d really like one of you to come along…”

  Darkness, looking at the picture in my hand, seemed to be a little bit more at ease.

  “I’ve got it!”

  “Whaaaaat?!” the girls cried as I tore the picture clean in half.

  3

  “All right. I promised to meet Yunyun, so I’m going out. Kazuma, I can only say your plan gives me a very, very bad premonition, and I hope you’re sure about it. I’m trusting Darkness to you.”

  Megumin glanced anxiously over her shoulder several times, then left reluctantly.

  Frankly, I was just as happy that Megumin had somewhere to be. Between her, Aqua, and Darkness, she was the one I was most worried about leaving here alone.

  “Sniiiiff… After I… After I worked so hard to put it back together…” On the couch, Aqua blubbered over the ruined matchmaking photo she had so recently repaired.

  As I watched Megumin go, I could feel an intense gaze drilling into my back.

  It was Darkness, glaring at me silently with tears in her eyes.

  And Aqua doing the same, also with tears in her eyes.

  I—I admit, I’m a bit scared…

  “C-calm down, you two. This is going to work out in the end.”

  Darkness didn’t seem persuaded by my pained excuse.

  “…And just how is that?”

  I gave her and Aqua the rundown.

  That is, I explained why she ought to go along with this one meeting if she wanted to continue adventuring.

  This was a meeting with the son of a lord. If Darkness refused it, her father would only come up with another match soon enough.

  What was she going to do, just keep turning him down? Eventually, he would run out of patience and try to force her into something.

  So why not take him up on this meeting and make sure things went wrong?

  Not wrong enough to embarrass Darkness’s family, of course—just enough that the other party would decide he wasn’t interested.

  Maybe that would make Darkness’s dad a little more careful about who he tried to introduce to his daughter.

  After all, if too many of them turned her down, it would be a disgrace to his household.

  Aqua and I would attend the meeting, too, in the guise of servants. We would help make sure the guy walked away with zero interest in Darkness.

  The prospective bachelor came from the house of a lord nobody liked much. Screwing things up here would presumably be less hard on the Dustiness family name than if her suitor were from a more well-respected household.

  I finished explaining all this to the girls.

  “Th-that’s it, Kazuma! Let’s do it! If your plan works, I won’t have to knock my father around every time he comes up with some match for me!”

  Man, I…I kind of feel sorry for him.

  “I get it, that’s a good idea! I figured your whole plan would be like, If one troublesome person gets married off, we’ll have room for a new party member and our lives will be that much easier!”

  I was shaken after hearing Aqua’s words.

  “O-of course not. We can’t just let a great Crusader like Darkness go, can we? …Stoppit, you two, don’t look at me like that… I’m serious, for the most part…!”

  4

  The Dustiness household.

  Their residence was situated right on the town’s main street, a testament to their status as a major noble family.

  “I-is it true, Lalatina?! Will you really consider this offer of marriage?!”

  Lalatina’s—that is to say, Darkness’s—father grasped her hands and exclaimed joyfully.

  We were in the mansion her family kept in this town. We had come to let her father know that Darkness was willing to meet Alderp’s son.

  “It is true, Father. Your Lalatina has come to see that it may be best to entertain this prospect.”

  Aqua and I turned our faces down to hear her speak that way.

  “H-hey, Kazuma, did you hear that? She calls him Father—capital F!”

  “I-idiot… I’m m
ore surprised to hear her call herself ‘your Lalatina’…”

  Our shoulders shook as we tried to hold back our laughter at the way this young rich woman, “Lalatina,” talked. She blushed and glared at me.

  Her father seemed dubious about our behavior.

  “Lalatina, who are these people?”

  Darkness raised a hand toward Aqua and me.

  “These two are my most esteemed fellow adventurers. I have considered requesting them to accompany me to the meeting as my temporary butler and maid.”

  Her father frowned, unsure.

  “Hmm. But…”

  This was bad.

  I took a confident step forward, put one hand in front of my chest, and stood up as straight as I could.

  “A pleasure to meet you, sir. My name is Kazuma Satou. I’m an Adventurer, and I owe a great deal to Miss Lalatina, who has been with me constantly. If this match should indeed be safely made, sir, I fully expect that the difference in our stations shall prevent me from seeing Miss Lalatina again. I understand it is a most unusual request, but in light of this, I dearly wish to be by her side at this meeting to see that this man is someone I can truly trust with my most precious companion.”

  I delivered this entire speech without stumbling once, then gave a deep bow of my head.

  I’m pretty darn cool, if I do say so myself.

  I had the feeling that if I could safely send a fancy noblewoman off to marriage, I could do just about anything.

  Darkness and Aqua gaped at me as if they had seen a leopard change its spots.

  A servant showed us into a parlor.

  “Please wait here a moment. We will select appropriate garments for you.”

  He sat us down on a couch, then prepared tea, after which he urged us to be at our leisure and left the room.

  The parlor unmistakably belonged to a noble house. It seemed modest, but enough money had been spent on it to ensure it had the appropriate gravitas for such an important family.

  We sat politely for a few minutes, but quickly tired of that.