CK grabbed Andy’s shoulders and stared into his eyes. “Did you ask him to do it?”
“Of course I didn’t!” Andy sounded insulted. Then he looked away. “But I didn’t walk away, either, the first time he hit me, like I should have. Or even the first time he kept on doing something I didn’t like even if I said no. I should have trusted myself.”
CK pulled Andy back in the embrace. “It isn’t always that simple, especially not if he was good at what he did.”
“He was a fucking horrible Dom!” There was bitterness in Andy’s voice when he interrupted CK.
“I know. But he was probably an excellent manipulator?”
Andy shrugged. Then he sighed and nodded.
“And you were inexperienced; you didn’t know what to expect.”
“He kept telling me that -- that I just needed to get tougher, become able to submit to him.”
“You submit beautifully; he hasn’t taken that away from you. He hasn’t taken anything from you that you can’t get back.”
Andy was silent for a long time. Then he spoke, his voice very quiet. “I thought he had. I thought I was broken. I did try to have scenes afterward, but I kept doing the same fucking thing.” He was frowning.
“What do you mean?” CK pulled the blanket closer around Andy, keeping him warm.
“I kept trying to have tougher scenes, to take more pain. Bryce had told me that was what I was supposed to do. Fuck! I didn’t realize that until now.” Andy slammed a hand down on the couch. His eyes were angry when he stared up at CK. “I’ve wasted the last year because of the lies he told me.”
“Well, now you know that they’re lies. That’ll make it a lot easier to find out what you really need.”
“What if I can’t?” Andy hugged himself tighter.
“I think you already have.”
Andy looked questioningly at him.
“You’ve found out what you need during the last month. You’ve done so much hard work and pushed so many boundaries; I’m so fucking proud of you. You know what you need physically, you know what you need mentally. The rest is just details: finding your favorite tools, how you like your scenes.”
“I’m not sure I know anything at all.” There was less despair in Andy’s voice, though.
“Oh, you do, even if you’re not aware of it yet.” CK unwrapped himself from Andy. “Let me get you something to drink, okay? Your body needs fluids and some sugar.”
Andy nodded, leaning back on the couch. He seemed a little better now, even if his eyes were still red.
CK went to the kitchen and made some tea; the hot drink would be good for Andy. He grabbed a soda on his way back to the living room, but stopped in the doorway when he saw Andy.
He leaned against one side of the sofa, eyes closed and legs stretched out. Andy’s face was drawn even now that he was resting, and CK felt a pang of guilt; it was CK who had caused it, after all.
But it had been necessary, and he was going to take care of Andy now. He hadn’t been lying when he had told Andy that the worst part was over. Now, they only had to put together the pieces again.
***
Andy felt a hand on his shoulder and reluctantly opened his eyes. CK was next to him, holding out a soda.
“Here. You need something to drink.”
Andy took it without protesting, but it wasn’t until he tasted the cold orange soda that he realized how thirsty he was. He drank almost all of it before CK gently pulled the can away.
“Easy, now. You can have more in a minute.” CK put the soda down and handed him a mug of tea instead. He took a sip, the heat feeling good as it went down. He felt a bit more clearheaded now.
“Okay?” CK didn’t say anything else, and Andy just nodded. He was empty, and tired, and a little sore, even if he didn’t know from what. He just felt fragile, not really hurting.
“You should have a nap when you’ve finished your tea. You’re going to be exhausted for a day or two.”
Andy sat up a bit more straight, trying to pull himself together.
“I should probably be getting on my way home.” CK had invited him to stay the weekend, but Andy felt like he ought to go.
CK just shook his head. “No. I’m going to take a couple of days off work, and I want you to stay here at least until Tuesday. You need time to get back together.”
Andy felt the relief rushing through him. That meant that he didn’t have to get up right now. And maybe even that CK would hold him again like before. He nodded.
“But I have to call my boss. I think my phone is in my pants.” He started to unwrap himself from the blanket, his hands stiff and slow, but CK stopped him.
“No, stay here; I’ll get it for you.”
Andy didn’t even protest. He really was tired.
CK came back with the phone and handed it to him. “I’ll be in the kitchen.” Then he left, giving Andy some privacy, and only returned when Andy had hung up.
“Jeff’s coming over.” Andy felt sheepish.
“Your boss? Here?” CK sounded surprised.
“Yeah. He was the one who picked me up after Bryce had...” Andy shrugged. “He worries. I had to give him your address when I told him that I would be going home with you. And now he insisted on coming over.”
CK still looked a little taken aback, but nodded. “It’s always a good idea to have some backup.”
CK came over and sat down next to Andy again, pulling him into a close embrace. Andy sighed, the feeling of CK’s body against his essential to him right now.
“Is he going to try to talk you into going to work?”
“What? No! He really does worry. A bit too much, probably. He goes to Slake, too.”
“Yeah? I don’t know anyone from the club yet; I get distracted by a certain carpenter every time I go there.” CK’s voice was gently teasing, and Andy let go of the tension in his shoulders he hadn’t even been aware of. They sat like that, Andy soaking up the warmth and security from the body next to him, until the doorbell rang.
“Let me get that.” CK carefully removed his arm and went to answer the door.
Andy could hear raised voices from the hallway, and he recognized one of them as Jeff’s even before his boss barged into the living room, CK following closely after the man, a less than pleased expression on CK’s face.
“Andy? Are you all right?” Jeff was looking around, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Andy. Then he hurried toward the couch where Andy was sitting.
“Where are you hurt?” Without waiting for an answer, Jeff removed the blanket and pulled up Andy’s shirt. Satisfied, he carefully leaned Andy forward and lifted up the shirt again, inspecting Andy’s back. Andy met CK’s eyes over Jeff’s shoulder, feeling a little foolish. CK was watching Jeff’s every movement, seemingly ready to interfere the moment something went out of hand.
Andy put his hands on Jeff’s shoulders and gently pushed himself back. “I’m not hurt. Really. And don’t inspect my ass, too.” He pulled his shirt down.
At least Jeff appeared to be embarrassed. “I would if you weren’t fucking sitting on it,” he grumbled. CK relaxed slightly behind him, eyebrows raised in an unspoken question to Andy.
“I’m fine. CK didn’t hurt me, and neither will Jeff. Satisfied?” He stared at both of them. Jeff had the decency to look chastised. CK just nodded.
“I’ll be in the kitchen. Yell if you need me for anything.” With a pointed look at Jeff, CK went into the kitchen. He left the door open behind him.
“You look like shit. What the fuck did he do to you?”
Andy snorted. “Thanks for that.” He reached down to pull the blanket back around his shoulders. Jeff still watched him expectantly, so he gave up stalling.
“We talked, okay?”
“You don’t end up looking like you do now by talking.”
Man, Jeff was one of the most stubborn people Andy had ever met. CK excluded, of course.
“Yes, you do. He tied me up and asked me about who I’d been with, what I’d done.” Andy couldn’t meet Jeff’s eyes. “I told him everything in the end. About the rape, too.”
“Fuck, Andy.” Jeff might sound gruff, but his arms were solid when he hugged Andy tightly, one hand in Andy’s hair. “You didn’t have to do that,” Jeff said when he pulled back.
“Yes, I did.” Andy finally managed to look up. There was compassion in Jeff’s eyes. “It was time. I couldn’t go on like I was.”
“And this CK taught you that?” Jeff still sounded skeptical.
“Yes, he did.” Andy didn’t break eye contact.
“Okay.” Well, you couldn’t say that Jeff wasted time with things he couldn’t change. “So, what are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know.” All the fuss about Jeff coming over had forced Andy to respond; now he slumped, what little energy he had left used up. “CK thinks I should take a couple of days off. He wants me to stay here.”
“Do you trust him?” Jeff’s words did nothing to hide the fact that he, personally, didn’t.
“I do.” Andy wasn’t sure of much at the moment, but he knew that CK was good for him. “And I could do with a little rest.”
That was an understatement; he felt as if he was going to fall asleep soon. That or fall apart; he wasn’t quite sure which.
“You’ve always taken things to the extreme. I guess you had to do the same this time.” Jeff got up and went to the kitchen, leaving Andy blinking on the couch.
“Take care of him, okay?” Andy could hear Jeff’s voice through the open door to the kitchen. “I’ll hold you responsible if anything happens to him.” That was a threat if there ever was one, but CK didn’t look in the least offended when he walked Jeff out. Andy pulled the blanket closer around himself; it felt colder in here somehow.
“How about that nap now?”
Andy started; he hadn’t noticed CK coming back into the living room.
“Okay.” He had started shaking again. CK went over and helped him lie down, covering him up in an extra blanket. Andy couldn’t hide his shivers.
“Shh, you’re okay.” CK lay down next to him. It suddenly made sense that CK had an enormous couch; there was almost enough room for the two of them. “It’s the emotional reaction; you might be a bit fragile for a while. Don’t worry about it. You just need to nap and eat and let me take care of you, okay?”
It sounded like something he could do. It also sounded like all he could do, so Andy nodded, closing his eyes. CK put those big arms around him, squeezing him. The pressure and heat from CK’s body was just right, and little by little, Andy stopped trembling.
“Just rest for a bit, then I’ll go start dinner.”
Andy cuddled in. He was so worn out that he was asleep in minutes.
***
He woke up what felt like hours later, alone on the couch. The smells wafting into the living room from the kitchen told him where CK was, and his stomach rumbled in response to what smelled like lasagna. The cushions were soft under him, and he let himself take in the feeling of being warm and comfortable.
He had told CK.
Andy winced at the thought, but at the same time, he knew there had been nothing else to do. CK had pushed so hard that Andy had had no other choice than to give in. Now he felt empty, the residue of the unbearable shame he had been carrying for so long giving him a vague feeling of being too naked, too exposed. He made a little noise and sat up, unwrapping himself from the blankets before he managed to stand.
“Hey. Nice nap?” CK’s voice sounded just as kind as always. Andy looked up, but he didn’t quite manage to meet CK’s eyes. He stood indecisively, huddled a bit and swaying lightly. He finally took a hesitant step toward CK. Then CK’s arms were around him, and he didn’t have to act strong anymore. He could just lean in and close his eyes.
“Mmm, you feel nice.” CK’s embrace was firm, hands gently rubbing Andy’s back. Andy let himself be held, never opening his eyes; he couldn’t handle being watched right now. All he needed was to breathe and lean hard.
CK kept rubbing, movements getting slower and more deliberate until he was massaging Andy’s back and shoulders. It pushed the breath out of Andy when CK found a sore spot on one shoulder.
“Did you hurt yourself pulling at the bindings?” CK kept up the massage, carefully loosening up the sore muscles under his large hands.
“No. It’s probably just from sleeping on the couch.” Talking to CK’s shoulder felt a little silly, and with a sigh, Andy pulled back, shyly meeting CK’s eyes. They were calm as always, unworried.
“Better now?”
“Yes?” Was CK still talking about his shoulder?
“And the rest of you?” CK’s hands were on his arms now, warming more than massaging.
“The rest of me is...” “Fine” just wouldn’t cover it, and CK would never let Andy go before he got some answers. CK was like that.
“I feel... naked.” Andy looked into CK’s eyes again, meeting only acceptance. “And I’m not sure how I feel about that. Telling you was necessary, but it’s still...” He shrugged and turned his head away.
“I’m not afraid.”
Surprised, Andy looked back up.
CK’s eyes were kind. “I’m not afraid of anything you feel. You can be angry, sad, relieved, happy -- I can handle it. Don’t worry.”
Andy stared at CK, feeling the tension leaving his body. It was almost too much, and he felt his eyes tearing up.
CK stroked his cheek and kissed him lightly on the mouth. “Don’t worry,” CK repeated before slapping Andy’s butt lightly. “Come on. Kitchen. We need to keep you fed.”
Andy padded after CK, feeling a little confused. Most of all, though, he felt that he was going to be all right.
6
When they were going to bed that night, Andy found himself standing in the middle of the floor, not knowing what to do.
CK had fed him, good food, and it had stabilized him, made him feel less fragile. They had spent a couple of hours on the couch after that, watching some movie while Andy tried not to think.
Now, though, he was in a bedroom with a man. He had slept with CK before, he reminded himself, and CK hadn’t done anything. Nothing like Bryce, lying on Andy’s back, keeping him down, the man’s breathing loud in Andy’s ears and the words, the repeated “Slut! You’re such a fucking slut!” stabbing into his mind while the pain was stabbing into his body where Bryce’s cock was pounding into him again and again...
“Andy?”
Andy looked up, gasping as he realized that he had been holding his breath. He felt cold, hugging himself tightly.
“Come to bed with me?” CK’s arms were reaching out for Andy as CK lay in the bed, wearing boxers, a kind expression on his face. It was a question, not an order, and that made all the difference.
Anyway, Andy knew that it would be impossible to talk CK out of caring for him, holding him. That knowledge calmed him down, and he let go of his own arms, walking to the bed and gingerly lying down in CK’s arms, head on CK’s chest.
“Good.” There was a world of satisfaction in CK’s voice as he put his arms around Andy. “Are you okay to sleep in that?” Andy was still wearing sweats and t-shirt.
“Yeah.” It felt safe to be wearing clothes right now.
“Okay.” CK reached up and turned off the light before he put both arms back around Andy.
“So, I can stay here a couple of days?” He thought CK had said something about it, but he kept forgetting things.
“You can stay for as long as you want.”
“Thanks. I think I need to rest a bit.”
“You can rest all you need.”
Andy ca
refully reached out one arm, holding CK lightly. CK pulled the blanket over him and sighed, shuffling a bit.
“Good night.”
“Good night.” Andy closed his eyes, and to his own surprise, he fell asleep in a few minutes.
***
He woke up with a start, the feeling of being held down so vivid that he kept fighting even as he sat up, panting.
“Easy. You’re awake now.” The sudden light was blinding him. He didn’t recognize the figure in front of him, and it made him scramble back, instinctively trying to get away.
“Andy! It’s just me. Wake up.”
Even as he fought to get his hands free, the memories started coming back to him. CK, CK’s bed, CK’s sheets wrapped tightly around him.
“Let me help you.”
Andy felt the sheets give way and he stumbled out of bed, needing to get away from what had kept him imprisoned. His hands were shaking from adrenaline. God, he hated that dream.
“Are you back now?” CK stood up, but the big man didn’t make any attempt to get close to Andy. Andy blinked, trying to wake up properly, and realized that he was standing in the middle of the bedroom floor. He felt foolish, waking up CK like that. He nodded, not knowing what to say.
“Did you dream about what happened to you?”
Andy nodded again. It had been the usual dream, the one that brought him back to that last night with Bryce. It was so long time since the last nightmare that he had thought he was over it by now.
“Okay. You’ll need some dry clothes.”
Andy hadn’t noticed it until now, but he was drenched in sweat. The well-known, stale smell of wet clothes and night terrors hit his nose, and he grimaced.
“I’m disgusting.” His voice sounded odd.
“No, you’re not, but you need a shower. You’re cold.”
He suddenly realized that he was, and he was beginning to shiver with it. He let CK lead him to the bathroom, clumsily trying to get rid of the t-shirt and sweats. Everything was clinging to his damp skin, and he nearly fell in his attempt to get the pants off.
“I got you.” CK steadied him, and Andy managed to get the clothes off, letting CK’s hand support him. Then CK guided Andy into the shower, following him under the warm spray. The water felt good, and so did CK’s hands when CK started washing him, cleaning him of the horrible smell of fear.
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