Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  The weather, like my mood, was steadily getting brighter as the days ticked by. The glimmers of sunlight through the grey clouds made me look at the days a little differently. I tried my best not to look at all the things that could go wrong, but instead to the parts of the day that could be good. It was border-line pathetic how eager I was to see him most days. A part of me was anxious to know if he felt the same, but the small notes I found slipped underneath my door at the start of every week just made my heart sing. During the nights where I couldn’t sleep, I’d read them with the light on my phone.

  ‘Everyone’s world is black, white and grey. Fortunately, I have a little drop of red in mine that makes every day a little brighter.’

  ‘The silence normally suffocates those within it. With you there … I can breathe a little easier.’

  As I was remembering the notes during my Thursday afternoon History lecture, I suddenly realised that I hadn’t written any notes to Casper. I felt jolted as I realised that, because of my worries for his boundaries and keeping the distance between us, I hadn’t really written or done anything remotely romantic. I hadn’t written him notes, not even a Valentines card or even a piece of music!

  The bell rang to signal the end of my lecture.

  I scooped my books into my bag. I stood and eased the creaks in my knees before trotting out of the hall. The rush of cool air that hit my cheeks was refreshing and sent a tremor running down my spine. I ran a hand through my hair and winced as it tickled around my jawline. I really needed to get it cut. I stopped just as I left the hall and saw a familiar mop of sleek black hair. I craned my neck and sure enough there, leaning against the brick wall with his head down, headphones on, was Casper.

  “Hey!” I called out stopped next to him. He looked up, his grey eyes wide and mildly surprised as he slid the headphones off.

  “Hey. How was your lecture?”

  I shrugged, “Dragged on a lot. How long have you been out here?”

  “A while,” he reached down behind him and suddenly a take-away cup of coffee was in front of my face. “Got this for you.”

  I blinked in surprise as I accepted it. I sipped it and grinned, “It’s hot. You’ve not been here long then.”

  Casper rolled his eyes and flexed his shoulders before pushing himself away from the way and joining me to walk down to the street. The hall I went to on Thursdays for my history lectures was a few blocks away from Campus, not that I minded really. It made a nice change of pace once a week. “I actually went down to the coffee shop about twenty minutes ago since I didn’t know when, exactly, your lecture would let out,” he shrugged as we made our way up the main road.

  “You didn’t need to,” I said, despite how delicious the coffee actually was. I continued to sip it, revelling in the warmth.

  “It’s alright,” he muttered, his eyes on the pavement as we walked.

  I took another sip and glanced over at him. I felt a bud of guilt bloom inside me. I needed to do something for him. Maybe not romantic, per say, but I needed to show him just how much I cared about him. I just didn’t know what.

  “Are you going to Ethan’s party on Saturday?” he asked, breaking the silence.

  I hummed around the brim of my cup before crushing it in my hand and tossing it into a dustbin. “I admit I’m tempted to go. Unless you had other plans?”

  “Not really. I was going to ask if you … want to go with me?”

  ‘Bollocks,’ I thought as I clenched my jaw, ‘Now that’s another sweet thing he’s done.’

  “Sure, we can go together.” I glanced at his hand. My fingers itched to reach for him. His fingers were cool and dry as I slipped by fingers between his own. His palm felt like a statues as I smoothed my thumb over his knuckles.

  He frowned, looking immensely uncomfortable before he gently pried his hand out of mine. “Don’t,” he mumbled, his words and posture stiff as he moved, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

  I frowned and came to a stop. He trailed a few paces ahead before his shoulders slumped as he turned to look at me. “Casper why don’t you like me touching you in public?”

  “Can we not do this here?” he hissed.

  “No, because as soon as we get back you’re going to hide away. Please, just explain it to me. Let me understand.”

  He glanced around, biting his lip before taking a step closer. “I don’t like public displays of affection,” he snapped. “Even before it made me feel … awkward.”

  I frowned at his words, “Before what?”

  His eyes darkened a fraction before he shook his head, “Nothing. Let’s just get back.”

  That was it, the end of the moment. He’d revealed too much to me, apparently. Now we were back to stony silence and the gap between us had never seemed so wide.

  When we got back to the dorms, Casper didn’t head for his room like I’d expected. Instead he followed me to my door and waited patiently. When he got inside he settled down on the end of my bed and peered up at me through his thick fringe. I dropped my bag under my desk and settled in the swivel chair. “Are we going to talk about this?” I asked after a couple of moments of silence.

  “No,” he deadpanned. He leaned back against the wall behind my bed. He glanced at the bookcase and ran his thumb along the wood. “You painted on the other side. Why haven’t you painted anything on the side facing you?” he asked.

  I narrowed my eyes at him, “Don’t change the subject.”

  “We weren’t on a subject, so how could I possibly change something we never had?”

  I swallowed thickly. Was he just talking about now? Or was he referring to whatever there was between us? “Um … What do you mean?”

  He glared up at me, “Don’t look so worried. Now tell me; why haven’t you painted anything on this side?” he asked, tapping my bookcase.

  “I just didn’t get around to painting anything,” I stated dryly.

  “I didn’t know you could paint,” he murmured quietly.

  “Yeah well I can, now –”

  “I can decorate it for you, if you want,” he stated, cutting across me.

  “No it’s fine,” I ground out. “Why do you keep avoiding the question I asked you?”

  “What question?” he asked dumbly.

  I felt anger burn at the base of my skull. “Why do you not like public displays of affection?”

  “I just don’t,” he finally sighed, slumping against the wall. He suddenly looked so small again and I hated how protective I suddenly felt. He toyed with his fingers in his lap, “My ex tried to force me to be comfortable with it but I never got used to it. Before him, I’d spent so much of my time alone. I got used to it. PDA just made me … I don’t know, conscious that I was no longer invisible to people. I didn’t like that feeling, that everyone would be … watching me, probably judging me.”

  “How could you ever think you were invisible?” I asked breathlessly. He was striking in every manner of the word. He was effortlessly beautiful and I wish I could show him just how much he had changed me for the better, just by being him.

  “Well I was invisible …” he trailed off and gave me a shy smile. “I guess I … I’m just not used to someone wanting to hold my hand in public.”

  “Did you ever think that with the right person you might like it?”

  “I didn’t think there ever would be someone like that.”

  “Neither did I,” I admitted, feeling my cheeks blush brightly, “until I met you.”

  *

  “Uh huh … Yeah but … Yes, I know. I know. Jesus Christ, I know okay?”

  I glared at the wall over my bed as a knock came from the door. I glanced over at it, seeing both Casper and Isabel framed in the doorway. Beckoning them into the room, I turned, my phone still pressed to my ear as I listened to my mum list off the numerous things I was not allowed to do when I went back home for Easter. You’d think I didn’t get the email about it last night. I could feel the hot anger spiking in my chest, as though thorns
were sprouting along my veins.

  “And you need to make sure that you and your friend don’t stay out too late. She is a very impressionable girl after all.”

  I rolled my eyes at that. “Hey mum did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, Katie has a brain of her own?” I asked, my voice dripping sarcasm. I knew she hated it but I hated her treating me like I was the same troubled person who she’d kicked out.

  “Her name is Katelyn,” she stressed. She’s always hated nicknames.

  “Yeah well my name is Avery, maybe next time you call you’ll fucking remember!” I sneered before ending the call. I ground my teeth as I set my phone on silent, the easiest way to ignore any future calls for the time being. I yanked open my desk drawer and tossed my phone inside, my stomach tight with anger.

  “I didn’t think she had your number anymore,” Isabel frowned.

  “She doesn’t. It was my dad’s number. Stupid bitch,” I hissed as I glared down at the drawer. I wished I could just lock all my troubles into it and never open it again. Biting down on my tongue, I turned to look at them both, “So, what’s up?”

  “Well I was going to see if you wanted to have a movie night, but that was before your mum called.” She gave a small helpless shrug.

  I looked around the room. I felt a little claustrophobic, the same way I always felt after talking to my mum. I was breathing deeply through my nose trying desperately to calm myself. “Movies are good but they can wait. I need to get out!” I stressed, drawing my fists to my chest and cracking my knuckles.

  I spotted my trainers under the end of my bed. I hadn’t worn them since before Christmas, since before my breakdown. I hadn’t needed them until now. I ducked down, Isabel jumped out of my way as I scrambled underneath to drag them out and force my feet into them.

  “You’re going running?” Isabel asked dubiously.

  I nodded my heart racing. “I really need to get out and get some air. I won’t be long. Make yourself comfy and set things up if you like.” She pursed her lips as I swiped my key-card off the desk. “Be back in a few!” I called out over my shoulder already digging my iPod out of my back pocket and popping the earphones in.

  I scrolled through some songs and drowned out everything from my footsteps to my pounding heart. It hurt to breathe as soon as I was out in the cold air, but I ignored the icy burn as I made my way towards the track surrounding the football pitch.

  I really needed to clear my head.

  By the time I got back to my room I was sweaty but I’d successfully pounded all my anger out into the ground. I plucked the earphones out and swiped my card through the reader. I was greeted by a cleaner room, the window opened a little with Isabel perched on the bed and reading her kindle whilst Casper swayed back and forth in my desk-chair, pencil aloft in hand as he scribbled notes. It was the most peaceful I’d ever seen the two of them in the same room. Of course they could just be ignoring one another, but I could pretend. They both looked up when I kicked my door closed.

  “Good run?” Isabel asked as she glanced up from her reading.

  I nodded, my mouth dry. Casper flicked his eyes up at me and then down again to his notebook. “It was good. I’m a bit out of shape though. Maybe I should make running a regular thing or something.” I gave a little laugh before heading to my bathroom.

  “I’ll go with you if you want,” Casper’s low voice brushed through the sweaty jumbled mess of my thoughts. I turned at the door and looked at him, vaguely aware of the dirty look Isabel shot his way.

  “You jog?”

  “Yes,” he deadpanned, “And I swim too, if you’re interested.”

  Ducking into the bathroom, I sprayed myself with deodorant and tugged a clean shirt on before going back to join the others. “So, what shall we watch first?”

  Suffice to say I couldn’t remember the movies. They all seemed to blend together after the first hour as my eyes kept darting over to Casper. He had been forced to stay in my desk chair as Isabel wordlessly insisted that she and I would occupy my bed. It was a small double, so technically there would have been room for Casper to join too, but a part of me knew that wouldn’t end well. I thought he was too absorbed in his phone but after a little while he looked up and caught me watching. He wiggled his phone a little at me. In my current position, with Isabel curled up against my chest, I would only nod at him. He clenched his jaw, his skin glowing in the dull light coming off the TV screen.

  Finally when the third film finished, Isabel gave a tired groan and rolled off of my chest. “I’d best get back. I need to rest up for tomorrow evening. You still going to Ethan’s?” she asked, her eyes squinting through the dark, her hair messed from where she’d laid on me.

  I nodded, my throat feeling thick as I murmured, “Yeah I’ll be there.”

  She hummed as she flicked the desk lamp on and started scooping her DVD’s into her back. I watched her do it, my eyes narrowed against the light from my desk. Casper barely moved or said a thing as she stood up and said ‘goodbye’ at the door. She smiled at me blowing a friendly kiss as she closed the door behind her. I counted to ten, making sure she was out of earshot down the hall, before leaning up and throwing a balled up tissue at Casper.

  “Could you be any ruder?” I hissed.

  “Probably,” he stated dryly lazily dragging his eyes to rest on my face.

  “Why can’t you just be civil?”

  “I notice you don’t say this stuff to Isabel,” he replied tartly.

  “I’ve said it too many times to have any real effect on her.”

  “Yeah well that’s life,” he shrugged and stood up to get a drink.

  I dropped my legs over the edge of the bed, “I’m not doing this again, Casper.”

  “Doing what?”

  “This ‘chasing around for answers’ crap.”

  “Okay, don’t. Doesn’t mean I’ll give you what you want.”

  “You’re such an arse!” I cried.

  “Am I now?” he sneered over at me, crossing the room in two long strides, his grey eyes like steel as they bore into me. I felt dread flood my stomach. “I’m such an arse to you, Fletcher. I bet you like it though don’t you?” he sneered, bending down at the waist so that we were face to face. “I bet you just love when people treat you like crap one minute and then are all over you the next. I bet you loved her laying on you, didn’t you? I bet you got hard just feeling her against you!”

  I let out strangled cry as I felt nails dig through the fabric of my bottoms. His lips twisted into a thin line as two strong hands crashed against my chest. I stared up at the ceiling, stunned, and then a weight dropped onto my waist. My hands were pinned down to the mattress and steel grey eyes burned into my own. I tried to throw him off but the position he was in made it difficult to budge.

  “C-Casper …” I breathed out.

  “Do I need to treat you like shit to get your attention?” he growled, the sound vibrating through my stomach. I felt his hand tug at my clothes, snagging on my skin. I writhed beneath him. “You like being treated like scum?” he sneered, drumming his fists against my gut, hips and chest. “DO YOU?” he snarled before slapping me across the face.

  “You already do!” I spat out. “You treat me like such shit and I wonder why the fuck I like you so much!”

  I dropped my head back onto the mattress, panting heavily as his weight shifted on me. I felt fabric hush against my cheeks and flinched. My eyes met his, those smoky steel depths and that’s when it dawned on me. The aggression, the rough treatment, the snarling spitting words; this had all happened before just not to me.

  I swallowed against the lump in my throat and let out a soft whisper, “W-what happened to you?” I reached up to touch him, to let him know I was okay. I was okay. He jerked his head away, eyes clenched tightly as he licked his lips. In the blink of an eye the weight pinning me down was gone and Casper was kneeling on the end of my bed looking emotionally wrecked and triggered at the same time.

  “I should go,�
�� he scrambled off the bed and made for the door.

  “Casper!” I called out. He froze in his tracks and turned his head a little, “Will you still come to Ethan’s with me?” I asked, my voice sounding firmer than I’d expected.

  “If you want me too,” was all he said before the door slammed shut.

  Later that night as I got ready for bed and the much anticipated lay-in I’d looked forward to all week, I felt shaky and cold as I brushed my teeth over the sink. I tried not to let it bother me, the way his hands and felt like cold shackles on my wrist, the way he spat my last name, the way he’d pinned me down and made me ache and gasp for air. I tried not to imagine the weight of those hands. I tried to pretend that there wasn’t some bruising on my skin. I wanted to ignore the niggling graze where the buckle of his belt had scratched against my stomach.

  I looked up at my reflection.

  I was starting to lose weight again, I could tell by how gaunt I looked. It wasn’t just due to tiredness anymore. The stress was eating away at me from the inside. The stress of trying to be in control all the time, to not let myself get spooked by the things my mother said. I needed to be in control of my life. I needed to do what was best for me. With one final glance at my reflection, I tugged the light chord and went to bed.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ethan’s house wasn’t too far into town. He had to live close, of course, being the sound technician for the music department and also the IT guy for anyone studying that particular course. However, music was his main priority.

  His house was small from the outside but also decidedly tasteful in its décor. The walls were cream and decorated with memorabilia from various rock bands. On the wall there was even a signed guitar from the lead singer of ‘Dead by April’. It was amazing how much the guy had accomplished at the young age of twenty-eight. It was sort of a dream to be remotely like him. Not that I told anyone, but I think Ethan knew on some level.