Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  None of it was at the forefront of my mind though, as the bus chugged along the road and finally groaned to a stop at the end of Ethan’s street. I tugged my hoodie tighter around my body and buried my hands into my pockets, my head bowed to the pavement as I walked. I’d knocked on Casper’s door before leaving but after waiting for ten minutes with no answer, I decided to leave. I’d wanted to talk to him about the texts he’d sent me last night when we were watching movies. They had confused me. I had gone over them again and again throughout the day. Some made me laugh and then watching them growing darker throughout the night;

  ‘If only we could totally do anything else right now. Oh wait –we can!’

  ‘How long before I have to throw your TV out the window for something interesting to happen?’

  ‘Tick Tock …’

  ‘Does she really have to do that to you?’

  ‘Isn’t it time for her to go?’

  ‘Seriously Fletcher, can’t you ever check your phone?’

  ‘Tell her to fuck off! Seriously, Fletcher, if you don’t get rid of her I will!’

  ‘Can’t you just make her go?!’

  ‘I wish you could see me when I see you. It’s like your eyes are split between us. You need to choose!’

  Those words weighed down my mind as I trekked along the darkening streets. I couldn’t help but want for company. Isabel had gone ahead of time with a few girls from her English Lit class –why they were bothering I couldn’t fathom –regardless, that left me to walk along to Ethan’s place alone. I suddenly felt lonelier than ever. A ringing went off in my pocket. Digging out my phone I saw the luminous words light up through the gloom.

  ‘PILL TIME 7:00PM.’

  I turned the alarm off. I just needed darkness, drink and to dance until my feet bled. All I needed was to feel numb. Reaching the door to Ethan’s house, I pushed against the door. It swung inwards admitting me into the bubble of loud music and alcohol. I had my back slapped a lot by a number of people who thought I was someone else. I didn’t want to drink. I couldn’t really, not with my medication, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t. Just a little. Heading for the kitchen I went into the fridge and grabbed a can of 7UP and popped the tab. I took several large gulps and then let my eyes wonder over the crowd. There was a whole mass of people I just about recognized from walking in the halls. I wondered around keeping my eyes strained for Isabel’s familiar wavy hair. I eventually found her perched on one of the leather sofas, laughing with some girls, a guy perched on the arm of the sofa and leaning down to talk to them, a beer bottle in his hand.

  I felt a twinge of envy swirl inside me. Not because of the attention Isabel was getting –that would have been ridiculous –but I wanted to have a certain someone there by my side. I sighed, shook my head moved to seek out Ethan. I needed someone to anchor my mind for a while.

  An hour later I’d spoken to my fair share of random people, swigged half a beer and put it aside breath before returning to 7UP and Pepsi. It all mixed in my stomach and left me wondering around in a vague, fuzzy daze. It was like I was on the verge of being pleasantly ‘buzzed’. It wasn’t that I was a light-weight even before I was on stronger medication, but mixing it all together made me feel the effects early.

  I’d been enjoying the music of the band up front, in what had originally been the dining room but was now a make-shift music room with a raised platform as the stage. The band was good, I had no idea who they actually were but I wouldn’t mind checking them out. I’d abandoned my search for Ethan. I figured he’d find me eventually. I glimpsed a look at a guy I thought looked like Casper but I shook my head, telling myself I was being stupid. This was about as far from his scene as one could get.

  It was while I was resting against a wall and sipping a bottle of Coke that Ethan finally found me, clapping my back and then swinging his arm around my shoulder. I often forgot just how much taller he was.

  “I thought you weren’t coming!” he yelled down into my ear and I laughed.

  “I’ve been here a while, you’re just blind!” I called back.

  He laughed out loud, his eyes bright from the alcohol. Then he seemed to calm down a little and held up a beer bottle, gesturing somewhere across the room. “I think that’s your friend over there!” he said in a louder voice and swallowed another mouthful of beer.

  “Who? Isabel?”

  “No, that Casper kid. He came here a while ago looking for you!”

  My heart stopped. Was it him? I tore my eyes across the room trying to find the mop of sleek black hair amongst the crowd of bobbing heads. I couldn’t spot him. There were too many people. “Where?” I asked.

  “By the wall talking to the tall blonde guy!”

  I wanted to ask if he was looking in a mirror since he was, in fact, a tall blonde guy. I continued to scan along the walls just in case Casper was there. I couldn’t understand why he would be here, but then the same could be said for me. I felt somewhat self-destructive, or at the very least I wanted a change of scene. To at least pretend I was sociable once in a while. I leaned against Ethan’s shoulder, feeling a little weak at the knees as I swayed to the music.

  People were rutting against the walls, mouths plastered together as though trying to clean each other’s tonsils. I’d never felt more like a wallflower then I did at that moment. I drained the last of my can and crushed it in my hand. My eyes lazily fell upon a guy’s small pert arse across the room. It was wrapped in baggy black jeans and was turned at the perfect angle for me to stare at it. The crowd was so dense I could barely see the rest of his body. I saw a dull blue t-shirt hugging lithe muscles and running all the way along the thin arms and just covering the bottom of pale, artistic hands. My breath hitched when I caught a glimpse of his profile through the crowd of thriving people.

  It was Casper.

  The music suddenly dulled down in my ears. My heart was thumping and my body felt almost weightless as I untangled myself from Ethan’s grasp. I felt myself floating through the crowd, away from the noise of the band; along the throng of people grinding to the music, feeling their hands pawing at me as I walked by towards the wall where Casper was. As I was drawing nearer I saw the tall blonde hand something to Casper –boy, I hoped it really was Casper –and then saw his head jerk back followed by a long, deep swallow from a beer bottle.

  I felt sick and cold all at once.

  I felt my bile rise up my throat. What the fuck was he doing? I wanted to be angry but my mind was fuzzy. The music made my bones jump in my skin. The drumbeat crashed inside my chest. My eardrums throbbed and my feet felt heavy. Reaching out, I ran my hand along the shoulder blades of the boy in blue. He jerked around to see me. As soon as he saw me his eyes clouded over.

  “Oh, it’s you,” he murmured before turning his attention back to the blonde. His low voice grumbled something. I couldn’t tell if he was relieved to see me. Damn his poker face! His back muscles were tense like rock.

  Smirking at how unsure the blonde boy suddenly looked, I leaned into Casper’s ear, “Hey sexy I was looking everywhere for you!”

  Blondie grimaced and shook his head as though in exasperation and then drifted away from us. I felt relieved as he skulked off into the crowd. Moving to face Casper, I tugged the bottle from his hand. “What’re you doing?” he shouted at me, reaching for the warm glass bottle.

  I pushed it into the chest of a passer-by who accepted it without complaint. I didn’t move my eyes from Casper, “You shouldn’t be drinking! You know that!”

  “Who gives a fuck?”

  “I do!” I snapped, jabbing his arm. He glared as he stumbled. “I fucking care, Casper!”

  He rolled his eyes, swaying a little more and swallowing thickly. He didn’t look too good. He needed fresh air and lots of water. I don’t know how long we stood there before he raised a hand to his head and stumbled awkwardly against the wall. “Ah shit!” he groaned, “I don’t feel so good.”

  “I told you,” I gloated, grasping his shirt,
“Come with me.”

  “Where’re we going?” he slurred sluggishly as I dragged him towards the staircase.

  “Somewhere quiet!”

  It was awkward guiding Casper to the bathroom. We both stumbled, him more than me, as I tugged him along the tightly packed landing towards the bathroom door. Casper slumped heavily against me and then tried to force me away from him. I was only touching the fabric of his clothes and on some level he seemed to know that. It didn’t seem to comfort him.

  I found the bathroom on the third try.

  “Stop making me move!” he cried out as I grasped his shoulders and turned him around. I pushed him back until he sat on the closed toilet seat.

  “Alright, alright!” I leaned back heavily on the bathroom door, closing it and fumbling with the lock. “You’re not moving anymore.”

  He dropped his head forward into his hands and swayed around in small circles, “It hurts!” He let out a long whimpering wail that echoed off the cold tiles. He looked up at me, his pupils twice the size they should’ve been, a tear rushing down his cheek as he pleaded. The whites of his eyes were already a little bloodshot as he clutched at his head. “P-Please make it stop!” he let out a wet sniff as he shook, “Goddamnit please! Help me! Make it st-o-o-op!” His hand reached out and scraped loosely down my arm. “A-v-e-r-y! Please!”

  I glanced at the sink and looked around for a glass. There wasn’t one. Reaching out, I opened the small mirrored cabinet and rummaged around, knocking over a few bottles and boxes. Finally I found a plastic cup and filled it with water. Casper was still swaying, clawing at his hair. I wanted to focus on him but I felt so dizzy. I knelt down on the cold floor and steadied myself against the bath. “Casper, you need to drink this!” I felt my voice echo dully in my ears as I forced the cup against his knee.

  He shook his head and whimpered so I poked at his leg to get his attention back on me. He shifted and must have seen the cup, because he was soon gulping down large mouthfuls. He choked, the water bubbling out of his mouth and down the front of his shirt. He started to shiver and the cup clattered into the bathtub. I dragged him forward by his shirt and rubbed firm circles over his back, worrying when he didn’t flinch or try to push me away.

  I needed help.

  As painful as kneeling on a cold floor was, it was nothing compared to how sick I felt watching long strings of saliva drooped leisurely from Casper’s open mouth and pooled between his feet. I kept a firm grasp on his shoulder as he choked a little before finally prying my phone from my pocket. I forced myself to focus on the names as I scrolled through my few contacts until I came to the one I needed. I pressed the phone to my ear as I waited for the dial tone to end.

  “Hello?” answered a dull female voice. I strained to focus on it properly as I trained my eyes on Casper’s hunched form.

  “C-Camilla?”

  “Avery? What’s wrong?”

  “I need your help!” I took several deep breaths. “Casper took something at a party and he’s acting strange. He keeps choking. I need your help, what do I do?”

  “Why didn’t you call an ambulance?” she snapped.

  “It’d take too long. Please, Camilla just help me!”

  “Calm down!” I clamped my mouth shut at her tone. I glanced down at Casper just as he slumped down off the seat and onto all-fours. I could feel how hot and panicked I was. My hands were trembling as I placed a steadying hand on his back. “Alright you said he took something, has he thrown up yet?”

  “No, no, only choking.”

  “Okay, well if whatever he took is harmful he needs to bring it back up.”

  I grimaced. I didn’t want him to be sick everywhere. I glanced at the toilet and cringed before reaching out to Casper.

  “Casper? Can you hear me?” he gave a jerking little nod. “Can you crawl over here?”

  It was painful watching him move as he forced himself up onto his knees. His body swayed. The sour stench of beer made me heave. Reaching out with a trembling arm he gripped my hand and managed to haul himself over to drop his head over the seat. Saliva dripped down into the toilet bowl but nothing else happened. I frowned as I spoke into the mouthpiece, “Camilla what if he’s not throwing up? What do I do?”

  “If he’s not throwing up, you’ll need to force him to. Get him to stick his fingers down his throat. He needs to bring it up as soon as possible.”

  How she managed to sound calm was insane! “Alright let me set you down,” I mumbled before balancing the phone on the side of the sink. The tiles dug into my knees as I leaned up to reposition Casper. He slumped against my chest and I steadied his jaw with one hand. It hung open. It was far too easy, but the thought of it made me heave again. “Can you open your mouth for me?”

  “N-Nah don’t wanna s –s” he didn’t get a chance to finish as I pushed my fingers into his mouth. He lurched forward, my hand jerking away, as he spewed the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

  I wanted to cry with relief as I rubbed his back, urging him to keep it up as I reached for my phone. The room stank of the acidic vomit. “He’s doing it, Camilla!”

  “Thank God!” she sighed down the line, “Now listen to me carefully, once he’s gotten it all up you’re to bring him back to campus, okay? I’ll check him over for you and we’ll decide what to do then, alright?”

  “Are you sure I shouldn’t just call an ambulance?”

  Ignoring my question, she asked, “Is there anyone there who can take you back?”

  I doubted there was anyone who would have been sober enough to dial for a cab let alone be able to drive. “No, I think they’ve all had too much.”

  “Do you want me to come and get you?”

  I felt tears burn in my eyes as I slumped back against the sink, “Yes please. I’ll forward the address to you.”

  “Alright, I’ll be there soon. Can you stay somewhere safe and quiet until then?”

  My eyes darted around the bathroom and I sighed. This would have to be our hideout. “Yeah, we can stay where we are. Just text me when you’re outside and I’ll get him out.”

  “Good, text me the address.”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll see you soon.”

  I ended the call and then scrolled through my messages from Ethan –the few I did have –before I found the one with his address and forwarded it to Camilla. All we could do was wait. Returning my attention to Casper, I massaged his back and urged him to empty his stomach. Dropping my head against his shoulder I murmured gently in his ear, “It’ll be okay. Camilla’s coming to get us. I’ve got you.” I gave his stiff shoulders a reassuring squeeze before the sound of vomit splattering in the toilet filled the air.

  *

  I barely remember how we got back to the nurse’s office on campus. Everything had been a blur as Camilla found us slumped on the floor in the bathroom. She guided us through the mass of dancing people. A pathway was formed through the students; it was almost like Moses parting the Red Sea. Casper had been so limp and awkward in my arms as I’d helped maneuver him towards the front door.

  As soon as we’d stepped outside it was like I was hit by a wall of crisp, cool air and a very sudden lack of sound. The house still throbbed and screamed behind me but the sounds were dull in my ears. Even the few cars driving by along the road sounded far away. Casper had felt like a rag doll as he’d lulled against my body. It had taken a lot of shifting between me and Camilla before he was safety tucked up in the backseat of her car.

  The drive back to campus had been short. The darkness merged into the brightness of the nurse’s office and when my brain finally decided to refocus, it was to the image of Casper –shirtless –on the bed pressed up against the wall, the bright light making him look positively ethereal as Camilla examined him.

  Easing myself off the neighboring bed I crossed the room as inconspicuously as possible. With shaking hands I poured myself a cup of water and sipped at it, my eyes barely straying from Casper’s body. It made me feel a little uneasy, how
prominent some of the scars were under the bright lights. They lined his forearms and a few around his hips; some looked silvery from how old they were and other’s looked angry and purplish under his pearly white skin. I scooted over and leaned closer, “Is he going to be okay?”

  She nodded as she examined the thermometer from under Casper’s tongue. “You managed to get him to throw up the majority of it, but he could still be a little sick or light-headed for a while.”

  Massaging my temples I sighed heavily. I drank more of the water and let my body flop back against the backrest. “Can I go to bed yet?” I mumbled, my tongue feeling too swollen inside my mouth.

  Camilla hummed low in her throat. “You two can leave soon, so don’t worry. I’ll help you there myself, okay?” The phone in the office started to ring, making a headache rip through my skull like an axe. “Sorry!” she hurried off and closed the office door. Whilst she talked in the office, I shifted myself onto my wobbly legs.

  I had to grip the bed for support as I leaned over to speak in Casper’s ear, “How are you feeling?”

  “M’Tired. Can I sleep now?” he breathed, his head dropping forward and colliding with my shoulder.

  “Not yet. You can lie down though.”

  “Okay.”

  He was like a ragdoll as I eased him back onto the raised bed and pushed two pillows under his head. He shifted onto his side, shying away from the lights. I tried not to touch him too much, despite how my fingers stroked over his sliced wrists. He shifted and curled his arms against his chest.

  Swaying from side-to-side seemed to keep me more stable than not moving, so I kept it up, lazily trailing my eyes over the pale, defeated boy in front of me. He looked so small and vulnerable but also beautiful. I was afraid to touch him. It was like he was made of glass.