Glancing down at the weight on my chest I saw why she had taken the photo; Casper was leaning down on my chest, his eyes closed and his sunglasses askew. Our blankets were tangled into a shroud around us. Shaking my head, I gently shook him awake as I turned to Katie, “Do you think our clothes will be dry now?”
“Doubt it,” she stated, “But if we drive with the windows down it should be alright. Now come on, let’s go into the Lanes and get some dinner and spend your birthday money!”
“You’re so full of energy today,” I stated. Casper grunted and shifted off of my chest, scowling over at the sea as though it was swearing at him.
“Why wouldn’t I be? We’re at the beach, we’re away from our parents and I’ve never gotten so many photos of you since we were younger!”
Casper huffed a laugh as he stretched a little under his towel and stood up. “So glad we left our phones in the car,” he stated dryly as he hobbled over the pebbles towards the flat rocks.
I watched as he touched the clothes, deliberating on whether or not the clothes were dry enough to wear. Finally, with his mouth screwed up into a weird expression, he draped our clothes over his forearm and started to hobble back, the breeze tugging the towel. He dumped the pile on the edge of the rug and once again, Katie turned around to give us some privacy. I dragged on the clothes, trying to ignore the gritty feeling in between my toes, and sighed with relief.
“Alright should we head back to the Lanes?” I asked after another half an hour of staring out at the horizon, the soft white clouds floating across the sky and water sparking like glitter.
Katie did a small cheer, “Yey! Let’s go so we can get some good tables for food. Can we take the long way back?” she asked as she gently folded the tartan rug up and bundled it into her arms.
“Sure why?” I asked as I swiped the car keys up.
Shrugging she smiled softly, the late afternoon sun making her features rosier. A faraway look came into her eyes as she looked out over the water, “I just want to have a long, lazy ride in the car.”
Smiling I dropped a kiss onto her forehead, “Sure we can do that.”
As Katie bundled the things into the boot, Casper turned to me with the same rosy expression on his face that my sister had. “Today was a nice change of pace,” he gave a small smile. “I’m glad we got to spend it together.”
I smiled as he reached out to run his fingers down my forearm before weakly jerking his hand away, “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”
The meaning of those words was heavy between us. He was feeling better about me, about us but most importantly he was simply more comfortable in his own skin and I loved that I got to be a part of that. “So where do you fancy eating tonight?”
He hummed in thought. “Do they have anywhere that does huge burgers?”
Yeah they do. Fancy a burger then?”
He shrugged, “Sure …You’re paying!”
There was barely any time to protest as Casper turned on his heel and hurried towards the car where Katie was waiting, arms crossed and head cocked to the side. She had her camera clasped in her hand I momentarily wondered just how many photos she intended to take before we got back home.
As the sun sank beneath the horizon, it seemed to drag the warmth out of the world and all its living occupants with it. Thankfully, the three of us were seated inside, waiting for our food to come out. We were sipping milkshakes, mine a banana flavoured one, Casper’s a lime and Katie had opted for a strawberry. Casper was settled across the table from me, sipping his milkshake with a bored expression. Katie was sat next to him and was busy fiddling with her camera, sometimes showing the display screen to Casper, to which he would either nod or shake his head with a small crease between his brows. I tried a couple of times to lean over the table and get a glimpse at the photos but she refused to let me see, insisting that she needed them for an idea she had.
Whilst they were distracted, I tugged my phone out of my pocket and opened the two unread messages I’d gotten from Isabel. The feeling of dread stirring inside me didn’t abate as I read her messages. I don’t know why she suddenly wanted to talk to me, only that that deep down it would be best to just cut the ties. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her anymore, per say, it was more the fact that we’d been disagreeing a lot lately and it had just gotten worse since Casper starting hanging around with us. Her first message read;
‘Ethan asked me out for a coffee last night and I went with him. Nothing happened, but it was nice. Hope that’s okay? Xx’
Of course it was okay. I’d practically given the man my blessing to go after her, why did she feel the need to check in with me? Her second text was abrupt and simple;
‘I think we need to talk when you get back from Easter x’
I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose. There was nothing either one of us could say to the other that would be beneficial to our friendship. Either way she would hate Casper and he wouldn’t be fond of her.
Something nudged at my foot. Glancing up I saw that Casper was frowning over at me, his eyes flitting between my face and the phone and back again, his frown deepening. ‘Isabel,’ I mouthed to him and immediately watched as his expression darken. Beckoning over the table he clicked his fingers and all but demanded that I hand my phone over. With a frown I eventually relented. “DON’T be cruel,” I warned, pointing a finger at him. He rolled his eyes and began tapping away. “Let me see it before you send it,” I added just as the waitress came over. Once all the plates were down and steaming in front of us, I couldn’t tear my eyes from Casper’s speedy fingers. My throat ran dry and my leg felt jittery. Once he was done, he handed it back over to me before he grabbed his knife and started to dissect his burger.
Katie looked between the two of us and frowned, “What does it say?”
I scanned the long text and felt my head swim. It took a prod on my arm to bring me back. “Huh?”
“The text he just wrote, what did it say?”
Glancing back down I scrolled to the top of the text and started to read it out loud;
‘I’m sorry Isabel but I don’t think you and I meeting up to ‘talk’ is going to work out. Despite what you may think about him, Casper is a remarkable person and I cannot be friends with someone who undermines him at every turn. I’m telling you this now because I don’t think I can handle telling you to your face …”
His words latched in my throat as I tried to still my shaking hand.
“I’m in love with him. I’ve known for a while but haven’t been able to find the words, but he knows and I’m telling you. I’m in love with a man who puts my needs before his own and who shows both concern and tries to cheer me up by being himself. He helps me concentrate when it’s needed and makes me laugh when it’s needed. I am in love with a man who wants to be with me and who doesn’t shy away from the bad parts of me, but rather embraces them as his own and builds me up to keep on fighting.”
“Awww,” was all Katie could say.
I, however, was lost for words. Even though my eyes were misting over, I could still see Casper sharp and clear as he stared at me across the table. His jaw was set in place and his eyes were firm. The text in my hand was the closest thing I was going to get to a confession from him. His feelings for the most part were clear, but to see those tiny details mapped out in plain text before me was exhilarating. My heartbeat was drumming joyfully in my ears as he reached out and stroked my hand that was holding the phone. “You don’t have to send it if you don’t want to,” he finally murmured, his voice vibrating through my chest.
As though compelled by the steady calm in his eyes, my thumb tapped the ‘SEND’ button. There was no going back now. Then again, I wouldn’t want to.
*
The rest of our few days with Uncle Brian went by like a dream. We spent the following afternoon walking around the Lanes yet again and going on the large Ferris wheel that overlooked Brighton. The photo’s Katie took where emblazoned with sunlight. We all looked
happy. I was glad of that; there weren’t a lot of photos of me in recent years where I looked genuinely happy. Hopefully she would let me take a few copies back for the last few weeks of Uni, just so I could be surrounded by happy memories. The texts from Isabel were still playing on my mind. Casper was right, there was no possible way for us to talk and not make matters worse. Thankfully, ducking in and out of market stalls and vintage shops with Casper and Katie distracted me a lot.
Some of the quirky outfits we tried on made Uncle Brian laugh a lot. Katie bought a jean jacket and paired it with a pair of large, brown sunglasses. Casper had even joined in, which seemed like a total 180 compared to his usual dark colours. I think he did it to cheer me up and for Katie’s benefit; he tried on brightly coloured tie-dye shirts, bandanas and perfectly round, rose-tinted glasses. Admittedly we did all walk away with something; Katie with her sunglasses and jean jacket, Casper with his vintage checked shirts and a pair of violet-tinted glasses, and they’d somehow persuaded me into buying a pair of black bondage trousers. Normally I was sure they were more Casper’s thing but he insisted that he was simply converting me to ‘The Dark Side’. Not that I minded. The things I could do to that man with chains and straps would put a dominatrix to shame.
By the time we were packing our bags into dad’s car, we had almost double the items we’d arrived with. Uncle Brian promised us that we’d see him over the summer holidays once everything had settled after graduation. He also reminded me to think about the conversation we’d had the night before;
“Avery could you come in here for a moment?” Brian asked as I passed by his bedroom door. I nodded and followed him through to his balcony where he motioned for me to sit opposite him. Once seated, he extended a hand with a pack of cigarettes. I hesitated. “Go on, I know you smoke so there’s no use denying it.”
The truth was I hadn’t been itching for a smoke since going to Church with my parents. There was no urge burning inside me but I accepted the cigarette regardless. I tilted my head back against the chair so I could see the stars twinkling over the ocean. “So was there something specific you wanted to chat about or are you just intent on poisoning me?”
Brian chuckled. “I just wanted to let you know that I support you two –you and Casper. It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen you this happy and, truth be told, I’m excited for the both of you.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Naturally,” he took a drag and exhaled. “I also want you to know that if you ever get into any trouble with your parents again, you can come down here. You won’t be homeless as long as I’m around.”
My eyes burned. I cuffed them away before they fell and let out a wet breath. “How did you do it, Uncle? How did you manage to live a normal life? How did you manage to forgive me after how I’ve been? After what I did to Katie?” This time I wasn’t quick enough to wipe the tears away.
“Hey, hey, hey!” A firm hand gripped my shoulder. Salt-air rushed over my skin and I shook as he leaned over the small table. “Hey, Avery, there’ll be none of that.” I let out a raw, wet laugh as I fought to control myself. Choking, I accepted the tissues and wiped my nose and eyes. “Now you listen to me, Avery Fletcher, if I can make something of myself then so can you. Don’t let yourself be defined by your illness. Look how far I’ve come.” He gripped the back of my neck affectionately. “I made it this far by having a good support system. You have one too. Just don’t let the negatives blindside you and back you into a corner.”
“It’s just too difficult at University!”
“I know, but it’s the last leg and I know you can do it. Tell you what, after graduation you can come here. You and Casper together; you can live here until you find your feet.”
“Brian we couldn’t do that to you –” I protested.
“Yes you can. Use my house as a base whilst you two go travelling or whatever it is. Seriously, I’d be glad for the company. And it’s still close enough for you to see Katie.”
“Are you sure?” I asked as I ground out my cigarette butt.
“Of course I’m sure, Avery. You’re my only nephew. Besides, I think it’s time you were around people who understand your illness inside and out instead of filling your head with this self-preaching nonsense.”
That time I laughed on my own and it felt good.
“Don’t forget,” he grinned as he patted my cheek affectionately. Smiling, I stepped up and gave him a tight hug before trotting around the front of dad’s car and slipping in to the driver’s seat. I honked on the horn in farewell as we pulled out of his driveway and started to make our way through the roads. I tuned into a radio station to fill the calm air with something other than the grinding of the tyres on the road.
The darkening motorway sped along on either side. Katie was stretched on the back seat playing a game on her phone. Casper had kicked off his shoes and curled his legs up on his seat. He was lazily nodding his head to the music. He reached out and stroked a finger down the length of my wrist. I shuddered pleasantly but kept a firm grip on the gear-shift.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
I nodded, “I’m just not looking forward to the last few days before going back to Uni.”
“We don’t need to stay at your parents’ house if you don’t want to,” he murmured as he turned properly in the seat so that he was facing me.
“And where else would we go?”
“I told you, my mum wouldn’t mind putting us up for a couple of days.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, feeling butterflies explode in my stomach. Truthfully, the concept of not facing my parents again would have been like a miracle, but it seemed a little too good to be true. “I mean I don’t want to impose on them or anything.”
Casper chuckled deeply. “Seriously, I’ve told my mum all about you.”
“You have?”
“Do you want proof?” he asked challengingly.
“Er …sure?”
He shuffled about and dipped his hand into the bad at his feet. It was filled with snacks, water bottles and apparently a sheaf of print-outs. The paper crinkled as we merged on the motorway. He cleared his throat and I tried not to smile when he started to read the top of the e-mails;
‘Hey mum,
Please don’t lecture me about the time I send you e-mails, we both know it’s pointless. How are Dad and Ben? I hope they’re alright.
So school? Well it’s the same old nonsense really except that now I have to do a project with these two people from my music industry class. I’m not looking forward to it. Please don’t tell me that I need to give people a chance or that I need to broaden my horizons. I’m just letting you know what’s happening.
Love Casper.’
“Admittedly, that probably wasn’t the best introduction to you,” he admitted dryly. “Don’t worry, they do get better.”
“The anticipation is killing me,” I deadpanned.
‘Morning Mum,
And yes 3:15 does count as the morning. I guess you were right; I should have given those two dunderheads a chance. Well not the girl; she has a horrible personality and doesn’t understand how a team is supposed to work. However, I’ll admit the guy is … different. There’s something about him that’s a little off, but he seems okay. He’s often calm and concise and has good ideas for the project. He’s quite talented on the piano as well. Admittedly, I now have more hope for this assignment.
Love to Ben and Dad.
Casper.’
“Well I’m glad that you’re opinion of me changed fairly quickly,” I stated with a smirk.
“Yeah well you proved early on that you were the brains out of the two of you. Isabel was just the … Whatever she was.”
We both snorted a little.
“So hurry up, get to the good part where you tell her some sappy nonsense!” I urged, grinning like a maniac.
“Yeah go on!” Katie encouraged from the backseat, “This stuff is better than day-time TV!”
“Kat
ie, anything is better than day-time TV,” Casper deadpanned.
I grinned as Casper shuffled through a couple of pages until he got to an email that seemed a little more hopeful.
‘Hey Mum,
Camilla is weaning me off the tablets and I think I’d be feeling worse if I didn’t have something to focus my attention on. Oddly enough, it isn’t the music project –for the most part. I have to admit I do like spending time with Avery. He even has the same tastes in music and movies as I do, which makes for some very interesting conversations.
I also found out that he’s broken … Just like me.
Not exactly the same, but he thinks he’s broken. Admittedly I think he has a raw sort of beauty. He has bipolar disorder and by the looks of things he has his own ghosts to deal with. But the time we spend together pushes all the mess to the background. It’s nice. It’s been a while since I’ve had such refreshing company to be with. I’m feeling better every day. Call me bat-shit crazy but I think he might be helping me … without even knowing it.
Love to you all,
Casper.’
“Awww,” Katie crooned and she leaned forward and poked my cheek. “See that Avery, he does like you.”
I swatted her hand away with a smile. “Why did you even print these emails off anyway?” I asked.
Casper shrugged and propped his feet up on the dashboard. “I was going to try and work them into your present, but it didn’t fit the idea in the end.”
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