Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  “Well in the waiting room,” Camilla stated with a nod at the door, “If it’s any consolation, Casper has been insisting to see you. He doesn’t blame you, before you ask.”

  My face screwed up in disbelief. “Really? Somehow I doubt that.”

  “He was there, he knows you didn’t mean it.”

  “I clubbed him over the head with a piano stool. How else is he supposed to take that!”

  “Avery he knows it wasn’t your fault. He blames himself, mostly. He says he should’ve stayed with you or at the very least not jerked your arm when you were swinging it.”

  I scoffed but didn’t argue. The last thing I needed was to push Camilla away when I was barely allowed visitors. There was no way I could survive with much longer with no visitors at all.

  Camilla’s hand on my forearm made me jerk. She smiled softly to reassure me before tilting her head to the side, “Stop over-thinking things. You’ll only make your experience in here worse. I’m sure you won’t be in here for much longer.”

  “It’s already been eighteen days!” I protested darkly.

  “I know, Avery, but don’t worry. This will get easier.”

  “When?”

  “Soon.”

  I sighed and ran my hands down my face. “I won’t even be out for his birthday,” I groaned as I tried to fight against the tears. “This wasn’t how I wanted to celebrate his twenty-first.”

  “Well it’s still a week away. You might be able to get a day-pass or something. Don’t worry about it too much.”

  I know she was trying to be soothing but her words could only do so much at that point. The only thing I wanted was to see Casper, to see him with my own eyes and know that he was okay. We chatted lightly for another half an hour until Camilla said she needed to go. The time had flown by and I already missed her company as she disappeared around the doorframe. Being left to my own devices I started pacing the room again, my body buzzing and restless as I waited for the sun to sink into the sky and end yet another grueling day of tediousness.

  *

  The nights at the hospital were better than the day. During the light hours I could hear people rushing back and forth, alarms that needed answering, schedules and people to organize and follow. At night, though, there was a hush that descended over the place, as though even the building wanted to sleep for a couple of hours. The darkness was soothing when it finally fell through my window. Despite being my most active at night, I wasn’t allowed to do anything like writing or reading, because I might dig my way out of the hospital with my pen, or kill myself with a paper cut to the eyeball.

  The nights calmed my erratic brain as I slouched in bed and watched the sky through my open window. My evenings were for watching the stars. I liked to think that somewhere in the hospital; Casper was watching the same stars as me. We could share that moment even when we were separated.

  The soft padding of footsteps drifted back and forth along the hallway beyond my door. I flinched when I heard the soft creak of my door easing open. Sitting upright I was stunned when I saw the door being closed back into the frame, a dark haired man walking over to me through the silvery light.

  “Don’t freak out, it’s only me,” Casper’s hushed voice came through the gloom.

  “How did you get in here?” I breathed as he came up beside my bed. He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me. I hung onto his neck and breathed in the sweet smell of him. He was really here, I wasn’t dreaming, he was here! He eased back and settled down on the edge of my bed. “I can’t even tell if I’m dreaming right now or not.”

  He smiled and brushed hair out of my eyes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner. They’ve moved me about so many times it’s disorientating.”

  Grimacing, I reached out and tentatively touched the covered patch on his forehead. “I feel bad that you even want to be here after what I did.”

  “Look at me,” he commanded, his voice quiet. I looked up into his eyes and melted. “I know this wasn’t your fault, not directly. We’re both to blame, as well as Isabel. It was just a freak accident.”

  “Don’t use that word.”

  Casper frowned at me but then relaxed when he saw how tense I was. He reached out and squeezed my hand, ignoring how I flinched at his touch. “I’m sorry you’re stuck in here. This wasn’t how I imagined spending our last month at Uni together.”

  “Me neither,” I murmured.

  “I expected us to be relaxed after all the exams, take our time and enjoy summer a bit and, I don’t know –go out once in a while.”

  I huffed a smile. He was trying to cheer me up and it was sort of working. “Would’ve been nice,” I gave his hand a squeeze at the thought of our imaginary plans fading away. Not that we would’ve done any of those things but it was nice of him to give me an illusion to hold onto.

  “I’m sorry that I’ll be in here for your birthday.” There it was; the pity in his eyes. Grimacing, I dropped my head so I didn’t have to see it.

  “I don’t care where we go for my birthday, Avery, as long as I get to be with you.”

  “Your parents won’t want you cooped up in a hospital visiting your demented boyfriend.”

  Casper rolled his eyes, “So what? It’s my twenty-first.”

  “Exactly, and I won’t let you visit me if you’re going to insist on spending the day in here with me. You need to go and celebrate it.” Glaring up at him, I was desperate for him to see that I didn’t want a milestone in his life to be shadowed by an accident or anything that resulted in hospital as the backdrop.

  He glared at me.

  Reaching over he flicked the end of my nose. Squeezing my chin, he leaned over and crushed our mouths together. Gasping, I deepened the kiss, threading my fingers through his hair. A tremor ran down my spine as we broke apart, the sensation of him lingering. “I’ve missed kissing you,” he murmured.

  “I’ve missed being with you,” I reached out and squeezed his thigh through his bottoms. At least he’d been able to call his parents and get something comfortable to wear. I was still stuck in the hospital pyjamas. “I wish you could stay, but I know they’ll come round first thing in the morning to check on me.”

  Casper rolled his eyes, “You really do worry too much.” He dropped his head and picked at the end of his sleeve.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, after I’d sat there watching him twirl the thread around for a while.

  He sighed heavily and rubbed a hand down his face, “They said I might be getting discharged tomorrow afternoon.”

  My heart sank like a lead weight in my chest. He was being discharged? “Oh …” was all I could say as I let the news sink in. “So … This is almost the last time I’ll get to see you?”

  Casper nodded, “Don’t worry; I’ll drive back up to visit you. I can even bring Katie if you like.”

  “And make my parents hate you more than they do? Sure, good luck with that.”

  “Don’t be bitter,” he flicked my chin and I couldn’t help but smile. “It’s not like I want to go, but I’ll be back. I’m going to take all our stuff out of both rooms okay? Put yours into storage until you’re discharged.”

  “Will your parents agree to that?” I asked.

  Casper snorted, “It doesn’t matter if they do or don’t. It’s what I want.”

  My lips trembled. I leaned closer until my head was resting against his shoulder. It was comforting and solid. Pressing a kiss to my forehead, he eased me back so I could lie back down on my pillows. “Scoot,” he gestured for me to move. I shifted so that there was room for him to climb up into my bed alongside me, draping the cover loosely over his lap. Opening his arms, he let me wriggle over to lean back against his chest. Leaning his chin on top of my head he murmured, “I don’t hold any of this against you. Neither do my parents. I think they were just in shock.” He tightened his arms around me, “I love you more than anything in the world and nothing you say or do is going to change that.”

  His words didn’
t sink in until a moment later. Turning to him, I frowned. “You –what did you say?”

  He looked down at me and spoke without hesitation. “I love you, Avery. Granted this wasn’t exactly how I wanted to tell you, but I do.”

  “What made you … want to say it?”

  “All this time alone in a hospital room gave me a lot of time to think. I panicked; what if my parents wouldn’t let me see you? What if there were policemen guarding your room? What if I didn’t get to see you at all? So I decided to take a risk and see if I could get in. Turns out, for a psycho, they really don’t care if you break loose and start terrorizing the city.”

  A quirked a small smile, “Didn’t you hear? That’s my agenda for tomorrow night. Damn you for foiling my plans!” We chuckled for a moment before I sobered up, holding his hand in mine, “I love you too.”

  His smile broke my resolve. Tears started to glide down my cheeks. I pressed a soft, trembling kiss to his mouth, exhilarated when the soft caress of his lips moved against mine. Shifting, Casper cradled me as we kissed, his legs firm beneath my back as he cupped my face in his hands.

  “I wish you could stay,” I breathed softly a little while later when we’d stopped kissing and instead had curled up under the blankets and turned on our sides to watch the stars.

  “I’ll stay here until you fall asleep,” he murmured in my ear.

  “I know but I wish I could wake up in your bed, in your arms and just … enjoy life.”

  “It’s not too long away.”

  I didn’t respond. He was right; I just needed to be on my best behaviour for a little while longer to make sure that I was able to be discharged. Running my fingers lazily over Casper’s palm I sighed, “I still need to give a statement to the police. When do you think they’ll let me?”

  He shrugged and pressed a kiss to my neck, “I don’t know. Think it might be up to you to tell them when you’re ready. The sooner the better, though. From what I can tell Isabel is being a nightmare.”

  “Where’d you hear that?”

  “Ethan’s been texting me and letting me know. I hope a restraining order gets taken out against her because it’s getting ridiculous.”

  “No, I don’t want to hear about Isabel,” I grunted. “She’s done more than enough.”

  There was a hum of tension in him, I could feel it in the way he held me, but it dissipated within seconds. We lay in silence for a while, watching the stars and moon fade as dawn peaked up over the horizon. Casper stayed with me, solid, warm and safe until I fell asleep.

  When I woke up, like a ghost, he was gone.

  *

  By the time I was allowed visitors it had been a week since Casper had been discharged and went home. Brian was the first who came to see me, not even hesitating to scoop me into a bear-hug whilst telling me it’d be okay. We’d spoken and even gotten to walk out in the little hospital garden, which was usually for the elderly, but they let us go out there for a couple of hours. It was so strange to have raw sunshine on my face again. Having Uncle Brian around made me feel a lot more hopeful. He told me to make sure to call him as soon as they discharged me and he’d come and get me, parents be damned.

  Camilla came to visit as well, which made me feel better. She brought a letter from Casper that had musical notes doodled all over the envelope. He didn’t even need to write on it, I knew exactly who it would be from. His words were comforting and Camilla didn’t mind at all as I read it in front of her.

  ‘Avery,

  Everything has been settled outside of halls now, so both our rooms are empty. Most of our stuff is taking up my attic space and your uncle has taken most of the rest. He’s coming back soon to pick up your stuff. He and my dad actually seem to get along. It’s strange to see, but they have an interest in cars so there’s that.

  Katie and I have been talking a lot on Facebook and we’ve agreed to come and visit you this coming weekend. I’ll be picking her up on the way.

  Stay perfect, beautiful.

  Casper.’

  Camilla chuckled to herself as I read the letter, my mouth twisting into a dopey grin. “What?” I asked as I folded the letter away.

  “It’s just that I never thought that either one of you would get this soppy.”

  I rolled my eyes but didn’t argue. It was four days until the weekend and then I would get to see the two people I loved the most, aside from Brian.

  That weekend when Casper came, I was allowed to wear my own clothes. It felt weird wearing something as heavy as denim instead of a pair of hospital pyjamas. I heard them before I saw them; Katie came crashing through the door, arms flung wide and a grin on her face as she jumped me, squealing, “AVERY!”

  Grunting as I stumbled under her weight, I grinned as Casper looked on, smiling and shaking his head. “I couldn’t stop her,” he smirked as I hugged Katie and dropped a kiss to her head.

  “Hey kit-kat what’s gotten you so hyper?”

  She stopped bouncing long enough to look shocked. “Avery, didn’t they tell you?”

  “Tell me what?”

  “You’re being discharged next weekend!” Katie squealed with a wide grin on her face. “They were saying just now that they had reviewed your progress and decided that you can be discharged next Sunday afternoon!”

  Glancing up at Casper, he nodded the delight dancing in his eyes. “It’s true. The doctor was just telling us.”

  “So … I have a week left and then I can leave?”

  I felt as though the floor was about to swallow me whole. Was I ready to re-join the world after what I’d done? Butterflies exploded in my stomach. Casper was watching me intently as I grabbed my hoodie from the end of my bed, the weight of his gaze making me feel clumsy as we left the room. I did a double take as I stepped into the hallway and saw Camilla waiting there, talking to a nurse. When she saw us, she waved her car keys before returning to her conversation. I frowned at Casper and he shrugged, “We needed an official adult to be present for you to get the day-pass.”

  At the reception desk on the end of the ward, I was given a small plastic bracelet around my wrist that acted as my ‘day-pass’. As soon as we’d signed our names in the book and waited for the nurse to swipe her pass through the ward doors, we were free.

  As soon as I stepped out into the sunshine I felt my breath escape me. All the open air and bright light was crushing down on me. I was starting to feel agoraphobic as I dawdled behind Casper and Katie as they made their way across the car park. The sky seemed to stretch on forever. It was so strange, like I was being studied under a magnifying glass. Every breath I took, every move I made was going to be scrutinized, waiting for the smallest slip to indicate I needed to be imprisoned again. A cold shiver ran through me as I hurried to catch up to the others. I slipped into the back seat and knew that Casper was frowning at me as he buckled in beside me. Hunching over even more, I cowered into a corner as the engine roared to life. As we cruised idly through the Reading town center my stomach gave a grumble. It was decided to find somewhere to have lunch.

  As Camilla parked and turned the engine off, Katie got out and walked a little way ahead. I was about to follow when Casper snagged my sleeve and pulled me to a stop. “Hey,” he kept his voice low, “Are you alright? You’re looking a little pale?”

  I nodded feeling my stomach squirm. “I think I’m just hungry. This is a lot so sudden after … However long I was in there.”

  “A little over a month,” he stated. My eyes went wide. He’d clearly seen the fear on my face, so he continued, “You were in shock for a while. They said ‘not unlike a coma’,” he rolled his pale eyes before looking back up at me. “You were like that for just over a week and then it was another week before you were ‘awake’. Then about a month later, I came in to see you.”

  It felt as though time was slowing down. My stomach squirmed more. I steadied myself against Casper’s shoulder. He didn’t seem to mind. He wound an arm around my waist and drew me closer to press a sweet warm ki
ss to my mouth. The worry melted as soon as I felt his body pressed against mine. “I’m sorry,” I sighed. “This is meant to be a nice day out and I’m fucking it up.”

  “You’re not,” he insisted as he physically turned me around and gave me a nudge forward. “Now hurry up, it looks like Katie has found somewhere to eat.”

  By the time we were seated inside Nando’s I was starving. Casper came back from ordering at the counter and the waitress had taken away our menus. I went to get us drinks and when I came back the second time –with cutlery –Camilla was looking up at me with a bright smile. “I can’t believe it’s been a month since all this drama,” she sighed as I took my seat. “How’re you feeling?”

  Shrugging, I folded the napkins and set the table. Katie watched with a fond little smile as I positioned each one the way I wanted it, and set the knives and forks the way mum had taught us when we were kids. “I didn’t realise how long I’d been in there. It’s just all blended together. I hate it.”

  “Well the good news is you’re only there for seven more days,” she said, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

  Humming, I couldn’t help but duck behind my fringe and tune them out. When the food came it gave me a viable reason to be distracted and not reply to any of them. I was managing it quite well until a thick-soled boot kicked my shin. Jerking I glared up at Casper. He nodded his head at Katie who was watching me with bright, expectant eyes. Shit, I’d missed something important!

  “S-Sorry,” I mumbled, a hot flush staining my cheeks.

  Katie barely batted an eyelid as she repeated, “I wanted to know what you guys plan on doing for Casper’s birthday.”

  My body tensed. “What’s the point? It’s nearly June now, I’ve missed it.”