Caspers Ghosts

by Victoria Hyder

  “Getting better?”

  “Well,” he shrugged his shoulders, “I say ‘getting better’ she probably wrote down ‘mild improvements’. Either way it amounts to the same thing.”

  I chuckled lightly, not once letting go of his hand. “I’d say you were getting better. And you think that has something to do with me?”

  “I know it does,” he stated confidently. “You’re not the only one who was used to being invisible.”

  As soon as his words reached my ear, I turned suddenly, forcing us both to stop half-way down the promenade. The waves of the sea frothed lazily, whilst the hum of noise and drunken chatter could be heard in the next street over. Casper frowned as I reached down and touched his elbows with my hands. He locked eyes with me and frowned. He looked so beautiful in that moment –I felt awestruck. Looking into his eyes I smiled as I took his glass. I settled both glasses awkwardly on the flagstones before taking his hands. “Marry me?”

  He was momentarily stunned before he took a step back, his shoulders tensed. “You’re out of your mind!” he hissed, running a jittering hand through his hair.

  “I don’t mean right now or even this year. I just want you to know that whenever you’re ready I will be waiting for you at that altar. You’re my ‘forever’ and I can’t stand the idea of you not knowing how much you mean to me.” He paced back and forth in front of me, arms folded over his chest. “What’s wrong?” I asked in a small voice, “You don’t … want to marry me?”

  “No –I mean yes, I do but … Jesus, Fletcher, are you sure?” he turned to me with wild, uncertain eyes. His body was still trembling so I did the only thing I could think of; I quickly crossed the space between us and pulled him tightly against my chest.

  He nuzzled against me. “Yes,” he finally whispered.

  My heart seemed to stop for a moment. I needed to remember how to breathe. “Thank God!” He thumped my side before I dropped my face into the crook of his neck and pressed kisses up to his cheeks and forehead. “Thank God you said ‘yes’.”

  He chuckled before leaning to tentatively kiss my cheek. Sliding out of my embrace he straightened his shirt before taking my hand firmly in his own and tugging me the way we’d just come, back to the hotel. I let him guide me with a lazy smile.

  I didn’t object as he pressed me against the door, his mouth hot as it trailed down my chest. Admittedly, I was surprised when he was able to lift me up, my legs around his waist, before dumping me on the bed and attacking me in another fevered frenzy of open-mouthed kisses. I was sure I ripped some of his hair out but neither of us cared as he made short work of prepping me before showing me just how much he wanted to be with me. My body was a raw mess that night as I lay curled on my side, watching the thin curtains blowing lightly in the breeze. Casper was sleeping soundly behind me, a thin sheet the only thing barely clinging to his hips.

  I couldn’t sleep.

  I was too wired for that; Casper was now my fiancée and, despite the lack of ring, seemed to revel in the security the notion brought. Smiling, I watched the waves roll over one another I couldn’t help but think of how Brian and Katie would react to the news.

  Casper shifted behind me. For a moment I thought he was going to get up to use the bathroom but instead, he slid his arms under my neck and over my waist before dragging me over the cool mattress, fixing me firmly against his chest. I gasped a little as his arms secured themselves around me, a cool barrier around my flushed skin. Blinking owlishly I turned my head a little and whispered, “Casper? Are you awake?”

  He didn’t say anything, but his heavy, steady breathing was answer enough; he was sound-asleep. My eyes got a little misty as I adjusted my position and nestled my head in the crook of his elbow, enjoying the lazy giddiness that bubbled through me. By the time the early dawn light crept over the horizon, my eyelids grew too heavy for me to carry consciously enjoying the feel or Casper’s embrace. Admittedly it was the best night’s sleep I’d had all week.

  Two days later we were on the plane home.

  Epilogue

  Five years can vanish in the blink of an eye.

  At two thirty in the morning I should have been asleep in the large bedroom I shared with Casper, in the flat that we’d bought with the cheque for his short film. Although I’d helped on the score, it was really his. He’d come up with the ideas and it was him who had mapped it all out, spending many a sleepless night in the art department. Thanks to my part in that short film as the pianist, I now had a part-time job in orchestrating the instrumentals for an up-and-coming British sitcom. It wasn’t always easy money, but it kept me busy. Plus, it left me a lot of time to sit around and write lyrics and chords. A lot of it was the things I wanted to say but was unable to. Even now I was able to get tongue-tied around Casper, despite how little he believed me. He liked to quip how I seemed to have an answer for everything.

  I huffed as I adjusted my foreheads position on the smooth, cool wood of the piano. The silvery light of the full moon slid in like water through the open curtains. I was sat on the stool, hunched over in my sleepless daze with the wheels in my head turning. One of my not-so-rare sleepless nights that hit whenever I was feeling anxious. Sometimes even a combination of Casper’s lips and my pills couldn’t shake the on-set of an episode. Staying awake all night meant I could collapse, sleep all day and reboot my system temporarily. Ordinarily I would stay awake and read with the bedside light, but I didn’t want to bother Casper. His chances to sleep were as rare as my own. Sadly, time couldn’t heal every little defect we had.

  Sighing, I rubbed a hand over my tired skin and curled my arm under my head, stroking my fingertips over the cold keys. That was one thing I wished could be true; I wished that time had healed the small defects that had ruptured our lives. For the most part we were perfect; we laughed, we ate out and in, we had fun cooking together or doing nothing together. We had lazy days and busy weeks where we’d keep missing each other, only seeing one another in a semi-conscious state in bed.

  Every third weekend Casper and I went along to his parent’s house for dinner Saturday night and a day-out on Sunday before we came back home. Sometimes his brother Ben was there and sometimes we brought Katie along with us. It felt nice, our families slotting together and enjoying one another’s company. It was strange to think that Katie was now twenty-one, and graduating from Warwick University in just two months. She was still hyper, if a little more reserved, and had a couple of boyfriends in the last few years. According to her our mum was not pleased, but she rarely came up as a topic of conversation anymore. It was a sore subject, and despite how much it hurt, she was my mother and I did hope that one day she would come around.

  Our dad on the other hand, had made the effort. It had been a shock to us all when Uncle Brian and Katie had come up one Sunday last year for a large family meal and my Dad had been there, looking somewhat awkward as he stepped into my life once again. A life I had created without my parents’ physical support and the big fat cheque that my dad had snuck me. He had clearly been impressed with the two-bedroom flat we’d snagged for a proper bargain.

  We’d opted to set up our base in Hastings; it meant that we weren’t too far away for Katie to be able to come and stay whenever she fancied it, or was having problems with mum, and definitely still close enough for us to see either Brian or Casper’s parent’s without much difficulty. All with the added bonus of paying non-London prices for a gorgeous flat. I was proud that my Dad was able to see what I could make of myself; it was refreshing even though a lot of people thought we were stupid for buying a two-bedroom place. However, logically it made sense for us; with my piano and all the art supplies that Casper dragged from his own home, we needed that space. It was essential.

  The floorboards creaked behind me and my head jerked up. Blinking sluggishly, I saw Casper leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed and his head cocked to one side, black hair in a messy cap on his head as he rubbed at his eyes.

  “Sorry. Did I wake
you?” I couldn’t help but whisper, as the rest of the world slumbered away.

  He shook his head and sighed tiredly, “No … Woke up and you weren’t there.” His bare feet padded over the floor. I shifted up on the stool to give him room. He sat down and looked at me. “This is the third night in a row. What’s wrong?”

  His voice was soft and it almost lulled me into sleep right there and then. It was like honey, warm and soothing. “No … I can’t think of anything. Just can’t sleep.” I shrugged. It wasn’t a complete lie, but Casper simply nodded in understanding. Over the last couple of years we’d learned not to get into heavy discussions when it was still dark outside.

  Stroking my hair aside, he pressed his lips against my cheek. “Do you want me to make you some tea?” he asked, his voice still husky from sleep.

  “I don’t want to wake you up any more than you are.”

  “Oh it’s okay,” he waved it away his eyes scrunched up. “I want one anyway so I might as well make two.”

  Smiling softly, I watched him as he shuffled along through the open-planned room and into the kitchen. I had a perfect view through the doorway as he turned the light on and poured water into the kettle. Leaning my chin on my steeped fingers I watched as he moved back and forth, tripping over his own feet as he went to and fro for milk and teabags and mugs. Smiling, I honestly felt much lighter. Casper was the key to my happiness and I loved being with him.

  Even when we fought, I loved him.

  That had been proved two years ago when we’d gone to his parent’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. His aunt had arranged a whole celebration at a lavish manor house. We’d dressed up incredibly fancy for the day and carried around flutes of champagne, talking with cousins and obscure relatives. That was when we were faced with a challenge in the form of Casper’s cousin, Andy. It was as though the whole world had turned greyscale and my breath froze in my chest. Casper on the other hand, had been vibrating with the conflict raging inside him.

  The fight or flight instinct was engrained into him.

  No one had known Andy would be there; it had been possible he was gate-crashing however considering it was his mother throwing the party; the details are still a blur to this day. Suffice to say Tabitha and her sister, Miranda, had a huge argument later that afternoon. Casper had been so brave. When Andy had made a bee-line for us through the crowd, I’d given his hand a squeeze and leaned a little closer, ready to protect him if things turned ugly. Andy wasn’t anything special; his eyes looked a fraction too close together, his hair was still a buzz cut from prison, and even all dressed-up he looked like scum. It was like a cat wearing a tuxedo; at the end of the day the cat was still a cat and Andy was still a pervert. However, Casper had been as cold as ice, like when we’d first met; he stood to his full height and kept his words crisp, sharp and short. Andy was clearly fishing for something. Martin made short work of taking his nephew away from us.

  As soon as Andy had seen that icy grey stare from both father and son, he gave a cocky little smirk, downed his drink and then melted into the rest of the crowd. Casper had instantly excused himself and Martin and I had shared a heart-breaking moment; deciding who should go and comfort him. In the end, we’d both followed. We found Casper crouched on a narrow staircase by the kitchens, hyperventilating into his hands. Martin had then done the most human thing I’d ever seen him do; he settled down on the stone steps and wrapped his arms around his son, hugged him tightly to his chest and gently rocked until he’d sobbed himself silent. I’d then settled on the step below Casper and almost choked on my own anger as he knotted out fingers together and squeezed tightly. As he continued to sob against his Dad’s chest, our words of pride falling on deaf ears, Martin and I made eye contact over his head. The silence between us said everything it needed to; ‘it’s going to be okay now’, ‘he can’t hurt you as long as we’re here’, and above all else, ‘we’ve got you. You’re safe’.

  That had been a pivotal moment for us moving forward as a unit; Martin and I had anchored Casper, instead of letting his mind sweep him away out of reach.

  The rushing of water into the mugs caught my attention. I smiled as the sweet smell of raspberry tea caught my nose. A shiver ran through me as Casper carried both mugs over and balanced them on top of the piano. Settling down on the stool beside me the warmth of his body made me ease closer. I watched him sip at his tea, the haze of sleep still hanging over his head. With an exhausted smile, I flexed my fingers and started playing an all-too-familiar chord.

  Smirking, he glanced up at me out of the corner of his eye. He knew the song I was playing. It was the little melody he’d composed on for our engagement, and we both loved the small duet. When neither of us knew what to say, this was our go-to, our breaking through the silence.

  “This melody gets me every time,” I mused softly as I twinkled out the last few notes.

  He let me lean my head down against his shoulder before pressing a kiss to my forehead, “Are you ready to come back to bed?” he asked.

  I shook my head, “No … I don’t think so. Not yet.”

  “Okay,” he murmured as he stood up. Just as he was about to leave me alone one of his arms snaked around my chest and pulled me back against him. He tucked his chin against the crook of my neck before pressing a kiss to my cheek. “Come to bed soon, okay?”

  I stroked his arm, “Don’t worry I will do.”

  As I watched him trudge back into the adjoining bedroom I couldn’t help but feel my heart thud heavily. His touch still tingled on my skin as I drank my tea. Sitting there in the dark, the notes still twinkling in my ears, I couldn’t help but ponder at my life. Casper and I were not perfect. There were times where we’d gone a whole week without talking to one another because we’d had a fight. We even had the days where we broke things. Sometimes before a big meeting he would have a little freak out and I would try and console him. He was still new to being thrown into the business world, it was only natural. However, there were times where I felt on the edge of an episode and if we were fighting, I tried to control myself. Having an episode or even a pre-episode without Casper there was torture. We weren’t stupid, however. If he saw that I was getting really bad, he would make sure I had a cup of tea and my pills first thing in the morning. Even if he wasn’t speaking to me, he’d make sure to offer an olive branch that said, ‘We may not be talking, but I can’t let you shut up forever’.

  I especially hated when it looked as though either of us was on the verge of lashing out. Or if Casper got really mad at me, it would be like when we first met; no touching or any kind, personal boundaries a mile wide and answers being kept cold and minimal at best. It was very true that we weren’t perfect, but we weren’t striving for perfection. We knew our limitations and were comfortable with that.

  Standing up I left the piano room behind me and followed the beams of moonlight into the bedroom. Casper was lying on his front, arms curled under the pillow and the silvery light catching on the beautiful, naked muscles of his back. It was common for him to sleep half naked. I liked feeling his skin against mine as we slept. Smiling, I gently slid into bed, trying not to disturb him. I lay there, curled up on my side and watched him as he slept.

  The scars on his arms gleamed white in the soft light. Reaching out I slowly traced my fingers over the neat lines until my arm was curled around his chest. He was cool to the touch and stirred as I eased him closer. As I felt my eyelids droop I pressed a kiss to his neck and murmured, “I love you, darling.”

  “Mmm love you too,” he yawned sleepily.

  Smiling, I relaxed. I would never wish perfection on anyone; it’s a grotesque principle that had worn us both down to the bone. However, I was at peace with the majority of things in my life. All that mattered was that in the darkest of moments, Casper and I had found a little ray of light in one another, and slowly, that ember had grown between us, engulfing us, and now we were shining brighter than ever.

  For the first time in a long time,
I was able to fall asleep easily. There was no traffic outside and no white noise buzzing in my ears. There was just the darkness and the silence and Casper, and I had never felt more comfortable in it.

  THE END.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  It feels so surreal that this book actually exists! It was nothing but an idea for over a year! I can’t help but thank younger me for writing the first few chapters in a notebook and stashing it away among so many others. It’s strange to think that it turned into such a long novel!

  I truly don’t think this story could have existed at all without Chelsea. Not only was she willing to sit through hours upon hours of my late-night writing (and willingly accept her fate of a new raspberry-tea addiction!) but she was also a dynamite editor; hand-writing editing notes on her graveyard shifts and scanning them back to me. Reading her hilarious edits and notes just made it easier to write this story, and bring these two wonderful lads to life!

  I’d also like to acknowledge that this story does deal with a lot of issues regarding mental health and how it can effect someone and their surrounding environments and family. Research and care was taken into making the characters as realistic as possible. Not to mention, situations were created in order to aid the story as well as bring to life how reckless people with mental health issues can be when forced into situations that they struggle to deal with.

  This work of fiction is not intended to offend anyone, but merely to draw attention to how isolation and cynicism can make small issues escalate.

  Thank you to everyone who read this book!