by A M Russell
‘Father…. I’m breaking apart. I can’t live with this anymore!’
‘The time will be soon then.’ Leo doesn’t move. He just looks down at me.
‘How?’
‘You have to choose what will fill your heart; and then you will be free. An empty heart can be filled again with worse things. And I would say that it is better to rid something from you once and for all than to expect to be worse off later.’
‘Yes…’
‘Do not worry. It cannot hear you; or see you. And it does not know you. It just rages in its prison often.’
‘Prison?’
‘Yes. You are the jailor. Release this thing somewhere away from people so they cannot be hurt by this.’
‘Yes…’ I look up at him.
‘Dry the tears child. The morning will still come.’ Leo talks to me just as he did all those years ago. And perhaps I understand that it is better to be a jailor, than be in a prison oneself. I wonder if Hanson saw this monster; and that was why he went white as a sheet. I wonder too, what he does remember from my visit.
‘Time to have supper.’ Leo says, ‘Then…’
‘It will be time to go.’ I turn as Marcia comes towards us.
‘Leo? Will you have a drink with us?’ she asks him.
‘Yes. Yes, today I will.’ He bows his head to enter the tent. I follow him in to join all my friends there. Marcia takes me by the hand and leads me to the place they have set for me.
*****
Six
I fastened the clips on my jacket. The last one was giving me trouble. I was watching the last few other people leave and fade into the night. So when the crossing took place, there would only be a skeleton crew who would then seal up the camp. We must set a relay transmitter as soon as we got to the other side, so that George and the technicians could track our progress. The team was small: eight only. A secondary team was to be ready to go through the anomaly. This would be led by Dieter.
I was trembling nervously with anticipation. I had seen Davey a few moments before; he didn’t look very happy. I supposed that it was something like. He paced up and down a few times and then went outside to check the supplies were all present and correct. They were. I knew it was a way of distracting himself from something else. I was too taken up by my own fears, to try to analyse. I finally got that clip fastened, and went outside to meet the others.
Oliver was perfectly still, weight balanced on both feet. The others stood in a semicircle moving slightly. Janey fidgeted with her tag, I saw how she twirled the chain in her fingers and made it spin round and round. We still wore them, a sign of our slavery to the quest. Reality was a slight thing for us now, pursued through doorways and across unchartered landscapes. I felt that crushing unrequitable sinking in my stomach again; I knew I still loved her more than anything I could name… except for my beloved Eve. I was horribly confused on account of Janey. Alex had refused to repeat what Janey had said to him in any more detail. It troubled me more than I wanted and expected it too. Some memories are harder to shake off than others. Now I had remembered my testing as a child….; I wondered what else was lurking in the undergrowth so to speak, ready to pounce and knock the air out of my chest. I shook myself to get rid of that lingering depression and went forward.
We gathered closer as the evening mist sneaked around. George and Sam were waiting down below. We turned and descended in single file treading carefully on the little rocky path. I glanced back just for a moment to see the last tail lights of what I wanted to believe was my mother’s car, as they left the turn in and receded along that country road, dissolving into the distance.
There was a foreboding in my heart of something dark and twisted. As the others left; did those forces of nature that had bled my energy so consistently have yet more surprizes in store?
We all gathered for one last roll call. Jules was waiting at the edge of the tapes to supervise the transition through the doorway. When we had passed through, Sam would take the other two back into the village, and ply them I supposed, with drink until closing time.
‘Answer me with a “yes”. And I’ll tick you off my list.’ said George.
‘Anything else?’ asked Jules.
‘It is time.’ said Oliver.
George read each name out, and Sam held the door open on the transport so we could step straight in.
‘Oliver Reece.’
‘Yes.’ He climbed into the driving seat.
‘Marcia Anne Ellis.’
‘Here.’
‘David Jonathan Milnes.’
‘Yes.’ He glanced at me and scrambled in.
‘Adam Shepard.’
‘I’m here.’
‘Janey Amber.’
‘Right.’ She said shortly and swung herself up the high step.
‘Joseph Burgess?’
‘Yes, and it’s Joe!’ he climbed in with a grin.
‘James Burwood.’
‘Yep.’
‘Jared Jay Arden.’
‘Yeah sure thing George.’ I was being overly casual, and clambered in after the others.
‘This is the team.’ George says into the Dictaphone, ‘Technicians George Carter and Sam Wright; with Chief Scientist Julian Alexander Rosen are in attendance. The time is now twenty-one hours, and thirty-six minutes; on the Eighth of April 2014. This is confirmed by me, George Carter, and witnessed by Sam Wright.’
Sam nodded, ‘I mean yes…. yes!’ he said. ‘that is correct.’
George clicked the recorder off, and slipped it away in one of his many pockets.
‘That’s a relief!’ he said, ‘So now I can say…off the record; if you lot put a dent in this baby, you’ll be paying for it!’
‘Yes Boss!’ shouted Oliver from the front seat. He was clearly enjoying the prospect of driving the transport again.
‘See you Captain.’ said Jules to me through the side window, just before it started to close up, ‘be careful.’
‘Okay Jules,’ I reached out and grasped his hand, ‘I’m always careful.’
‘Yeah! Sure. But you’re not always lucky.’ He smiled at me in a slightly worried fashion.
‘You know I don’t believe in luck.’ I said to him.
He just waved as the windows slid shut and the electronic locks engaged. The engine roared into life a settled down to a soft purr.
Smoothly we trundled forward towards the anomaly. It looked as if we were about to pass through a water fall. It was a lot bigger than it had been the other day. I watched fascinated as we smoothly slid forward. There was a slight juddering as we first entered it, and then we moved a little quicker. I was in the last seat at the back, and could see the effect as it edged down the sides. A ripple of watery flow; almost exactly like being in a carwash. It traced along, spilling over the mid-parts of the transport. Then…. it was over my head, a rumbling like water on the roof could be heard as we slowly passed through. I twisted round in the seat, as we moved away from this side of the doorway. The ripples were foaming with bubbles and the centre was flexing like the midpoint of a slack drum skin. We turned to the left and then it was over. I couldn't see it any more as the dripping trees obscured the view. The light level increased. And we were going up slightly as the ground rose in front of the vehicle. We came out of a belt of trees and onto level ground. The first thing I noticed was the light. Here it was late afternoon. And a damp mist hung in patches on a forest that was like ours but wetter, as if it had rained at some point very heavily within the last hour.
We rounded another corner, and the sunlight glowed form the edge of every leaf, and blade of grass. The transport was still sealed. The others were checking readings from outside, temperature, air quality; usual stuff. Adam, who was reading the dials, gave the ok to Marcia. She turned slightly in the front passenger seat and caught my eye; ‘Alright boys! Time to crack all seals. Let’s have the relay set up quick sharp!’
We stopped in a small glade, and Marcia, Adam, and Oliver climbed out. James and
Joe passed all the cases out and then followed.
I sat in an uncomfortable silence with Janey and Davey. I was right at the back, and Davey was just in front of me on the opposite side. Janey sat with her back to him in the next row. She had her arms folded and stared stonily ahead. A moment or two later James came back. Janey was summoned to help check the relay signal strength.
Davey turned to me without speaking. But I knew that look. She’d been in a rotten mood all day. And I think that something had boiled over.
‘What’s wrong with her?’ he said in a depressed tone.
I held out both hands in helplessness; ‘I haven’t talked to her today.’ I said.
He put his head down. I wasn’t in any mood to sort out other people’s love lives so I turned away and looked out the back window towards the group. Janey was smiling and talking in an animated way, like she did when she was getting all the attention and doing things her way.
‘It’s not like before,’ said Davey from behind me, ‘she isn’t the same…. something happened. She’s not the same person…’
I turned back towards him, ‘I can’t help you,’ I said.
‘Jared…. please…. what can I say to her?’
‘I’m the last person you should be asking.’ I told him.
‘You’re the only one I trust.’
‘That’s not a wise thing to do.’ I said, ‘Not after everything. Do you really want me to be responsible for your fate?’
‘No.’ he looked away, and then back at me, ‘but you care about her.’
‘I have to. She’s my sister.’
‘I mean you love her.’
‘Yes. I love her.’ I turned away then. It’s going nowhere, and I want to stop my eyes from giving me away. I hate myself for having the sort of thoughts that are not exactly impure…. but certainly aren’t what you would call brotherly ones either. I’m trying to shut her from my mind. Davey will just have to suffer on his own. There’s nothing I can do.
We travelled into evening. And night took over fine and starlit. We needed to travel swiftly and quietly. Oliver had prepared for the long stint. I would take a turn as we neared the mountains and the going became difficult and requiring of my peculiar skills. Turning this thing almost in its own length was my favourite trick. But for tonight I was redundant. I was quite clear about the reasons. Because of Dieter I was here. Jules had refused to ever consent to a team in which I wasn't included. There were reasons that were harder to define. Oliver (who was the most devout believer) had gone with my mother to morning prayers. And had said that he felt that he knew who must take the journey. His list was approved by all in the end. It would seem odd that I didn't share his perception of things. But yet there was something blocking my sight. I couldn't fight my doubt so easily. Even with a house of wonders. It is clear now.... I could not believe until I knew what I was supposed to find at the end of the journey. You may not understand. Considering my visions of angels, but nothing convinces if it is born only from fear. Such things quickly drop away. And then doubt eats away at it, until you remember being mistaken in what you saw. That day I thought of the old man Heelio, and his patient wisdom. Almost the last thing he had said to me.... a test lay ahead; and a time of darkness. I had thought I was already passing though that valley, oblivious to the things that would overtake us all. How foolish I was! And yet that small time of blank inbetweeness helped me in a way that was only clear a lot later. I huddled in my corner at the back for all those hours, and by Two am we had reached some rocky outcroppings. Here we made camp. It was done swiftly and with a harsh practical speed that exhausted everyone. Marcia, with spectacular motivation of everyone concerned; made us pull together so well that we had our camp set in 40 minutes all in. That rush of energy before it began to crash; she had pulled from us all in a way quite miraculous. I followed her in to the very small kitchen area.
'Tea?' I said.
'Or hot chocolate.' she spun round with a soft smile hovering on her lips. She, like all of us, was grindingly tired. Yet she was full of a life that glowed. As if she took strength from being on this side of the curtain of the anomaly.
'Let me....' I helped her then.
Marcia finished off making the drinks, I took them out. In the lamplight I saw Janey and Davey exchange a kiss. I handed cups to Adam and Joe and went back to get the last two. A moment later those two looked at me eyes upturned, as they sat fingers entwined in a quiet reconciliation at the hard end of a day.
As Janey took the cup from me, I dropped my eyes and drew back from them both. I went to my seat. Marcia came and sat by me, and touched my wrist. I took the cup she offered. The steam obscured my vision. Dreamlike, the lads passed by us into the dark pods and to sleep.
We four were left. Those Fifteen minutes had drawn us further to the dead hour of the night. Marcia put her arms around me. Her curls clung to my neck and shoulder. I felt that strangely tranquil presence, and the scent of her was like bergamot with something rich and deep behind it. I inhaled that scent, like the drunken taste of the quiet red earth.
Davey and Janey came towards us. There was something in the way they clasped each other that told me they wanted to go to the same pod.
Marcia sat up a little.
'I'm asking permission.... for...' Davey spoke to Marcia.
'Granted.' she said. And when they didn't move, 'Go on. Off you go. Shoo, shoo!'
We were left glancing sideways at each other.
'It's actually 6 am.' I said.
'Seven.' said Marcia, 'this must be what jet lag feels like.'
'Do you want to sleep now?'
'Oh Jared!' she turns to me so we are facing each other nose to nose, 'I want to sleep? Do you know what is in here?'
She touched herself lightly on her chest.
'What?' I asked and waited.
‘Everything….and nothing. All things….and a space just waiting…. I’m just waiting. Remember the first time we met?’
‘The party?’
‘No,’ she sat back in her seat smiling, and took hold of my hand, ‘it wasn’t then…. you don’t remember, do you?’
‘I….’ perplexity silences me, ‘tell me.’ I said after a few moments.
She stood up, and drew me into a standing position. I felt weak. Memory was grinding through the files. I wanted to find it… that clue to all this reason…. this reason to live.
‘Dance with me.’ she said.
Then we slow danced to invisible music in another place. I saw there were flowers. And the scent was strong. Night flowers. I was young. Maybe almost a teenager? There was a celebration. And I was in a garden. Music spilled out from open French windows. Someone’s anniversary? I was hiding and she found me. And we danced. We danced then…. when we were so young. Marcia’s mother and mine both knew someone…. a woman in a red dress, a laughing girl. A wedding anniversary. Her mother and father. They had their silver wedding party. I was then a shy kid, still at school. And this girl came pirouetting into my hiding place. She looked at me, and tilting her head on one side, regarded me solemnly. But unlike others who would have demanded an explanation, she did not speak but broke into a smile, and pulled me round and round dancing to the music. She obtained from me a rare thing then. I smiled back. She spun round me while I stood entranced. The girl in a green dress. She had yellow ribbons in her dark ringlets. She kicked off her shoes. She took hold of both my hands. I was just about to ask her who she was. But then someone was calling….
She held one finger to her lips then; and suddenly leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Involuntarily I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, I was by myself in the garden. And that brief moment she had gone. I went directly and found Laura. She looked at me, and said she thought I looked pale. She ignored the dismissive comments of the over-partied group who stood near, and made her goodbyes. In ten minutes we were on our way home. I saw the garden recede from my sight and that was all I remembered.
‘No shoes.’ I said.
>
‘Quite right.’ Marcia replied, and this time silenced me with a kiss.
I closed my eyes as our music continued. And we swayed to that song again. When it was over she took me to the private pod that was mine.
‘Now get to bed Captain. Dawn will arrive soon enough.’
‘Yes. As you wish.’ She left to go to the kitchen area and switch of the small lamps. I quickly undressed. We both knew the rules. And personal relationships; while not actively denied as existing were definitely not to be indulged in as Team Leader. Marcia was doing the Deputy’s job well and making sure that the Group’s Leader was sticking to the schedule. I sighed and put my boots under the raised cot.
I lay in my sleeping bag listening to the rain. Marcia came back in.
‘Take this.’ she said, ‘doctor’s orders.’
‘I don’t want to sleep just yet.’ I ached in every joint in a bruised kind of way.
‘We are going to need you later tomorrow. And sleep is essential now.’
‘Alright.’ I let her place the tablet under my tongue. Marcia sat by me for a few minutes then, until I was sleepy.
‘What day is it tomorrow?’ I asked her.
‘Officially day Two.’ she said.
A few minutes passed. All the world was fading into hazy darkness.
‘I’ll wake you.’ she said. Then I relaxed and sank into a dreamless deep place, floating on that ocean of night.
I heard music. But it is cheery music. Morning music. Marcia is there as I open my eyes.
‘Coffee Captain.’ She makes sure I know where it is then leaves to attend to breakfast.
A few minutes later I’m blinking in the bright morning light. The tent flaps are pulled back to let in the air. It’s surprisingly warm. I hadn’t expected that. Mild like early spring weather.
‘There are clouds on the horizon.’ Oliver informed me as I sat down to eat. James brought in the breakfast.
‘I think we need to watch the sleep deprivation.’ Joe said, ‘I’m not happy unless we travel and make camp sooner today.’