The Power of Forgetting

by A M Russell

  ‘Now then Chief,’ he says gruffly, ‘what is it to be?’

  Not sure yet,’ I shield my eyes and pass the binoculars to him, ‘I don’t know how wide that pass is. We could be heading for a dead end….and there is no place to turn round and come back.’

  ‘Any sign of our visitor?’ Oliver’s accent is more pronounced when he says this. As if he expects me to turn and say something strange and vexing.

  ‘I didn’t see who ever it was.’ I reply, ‘what about you?’

  ‘She’s an Angel and no mistake.’ He glances sideways at me for a moment and then continues to scan the further peak; ‘To heaven no quicker route.’ He adds.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You are getting to be almost one of the boys.’ Oliver stops squinting through the glass and turns to me blinking in the sunlight.

  ‘I’m being demoted then?’ I hope that he is in the mood for my daft side, so rarely aired.

  ‘Looking reasonably scruffy again.’ he says

  ‘No razor; no problem!’ I rub my chin and laugh. It’s ten days since I scraped it all off. There’s enough there to look like me again. Oliver is undecided on that front and always looks like he’s got a “five o’clock shadow”. He shaves when he remembers. I think it has to do with being a school teacher…. six weeks holidays just lets more important things be taken care of. I have wondered why he does the job. But then he’s a natural with kids. They like this gentle giant…. but Oliver is more than just a big Teddy Bear of a Man. Some special Ops thing that he did was what left that mark. He is serious, and quiet. Just listening; Waiting. I swear that he knows how to talk to sheep; or squirrels. It’s like he can listen to the dawn chorus and know what the day ahead holds.

  ‘Marcia asked me will we be stopping, or do we need flasks making up?’

  ‘Oh!’ I’m surprized…. not at the question; but Oliver being sent to ask me.

  ‘I suppose we better decide what to do about the route.’ Oliver awaits my thoughts on this. I know we could go the higher road. The appearance from this distance makes it look a lot narrower than it in fact is. So we go back to the tent and get out the sheet we’ve plotted. This is the rough copy and I mark it with a pencil.

  ‘It’s a guess if it’s anything.’ I looked at Oliver, ‘we must get off the edge before it goes dark.’

  ‘It’s very early now.’ He said, ‘but it could take until eleven to get to the start of the hill road.’

  ‘Oliver, get the weather list.’

  ‘Yeah sure.’ He goes to find the sheet.

  I look at our rough down map. Notes and elevation points. But we’re in a rush, so it can’t be as accurate as it should be. George would be unimpressed.

  ‘James!’ I yell, ‘Have you got the radio signal this morning?’

  ‘Yep!’ comes a voice form the kitchen area, ‘Just now Chief.’ He sticks his head through the flap, ‘What shall we send?’

  ‘Just the call in. we’ll get a message later. Find Marcia, and call the rest of them will you.’

  ‘Yes Boss!’ James sounds upbeat, and disappears on his errand.

  I chew the back of the pencil and ponder the either/or question. I have to put it to the group.

  Ten minutes later everyone is there except Janey. Marcia is in the kitchen making tea: psychological buffer. I know immediately what Davey will say. He has a fear of heights that makes him the wrong person to ask for an objective opinion of the situation. But on the other hand it’s his neck too. To whatever anyone has to contribute will have a bearing on the decision we make.

  ‘Tea!’ shouts Marcia cheerfully.

  ‘Has anyone seen Janey?’ I ask.

  ‘Shall I go and see?’ offers Adam.

  ‘No. that’s alright.’ I sense something is up; so I go to the back of the tent and out the other doorway. There she is, leaning against the bonnet of the transport; her journal in her hand. The sun is in her eyes so she doesn’t see that’s it me until I get quite close.

  ‘Now then Janey?’ I say casually.

  She glares at me. Perhaps I’m breaking in on some train of thought that she has been following.

  ‘Oh! It’s you.’ She has a nasty edge in her voice. I ignore it, and wait for her to smile. She scowls at me instead.

  ‘We all need to decide the route. Will you come in a moment or too?’

  ‘Why are you being so reasonable?’ she says.

  ‘I…. would like you come in please. You are needed. Your opinion on the road we’ll choose to go on.’

  ‘Okay….’ She looks down; I’m just turning away when she grabs me by the arm, ‘Don’t give up on me Jared!’ her nails are digging into my muscle quite painfully but I don’t struggle.

  ‘Janey…. It’s alright,’ I speak calmly to her. Her eyes flutter as if she is waking. She breathes in, looks at me directly.

  ‘Why do you have to be so kind right now?’ she asks, ‘How can I go back now? This is getting difficult. She has your company all the time. But remember I’m doing it to help us all. George will have enough info to bury the bastards once and for all when I’m finished with them! But then maybe we just have to outsmart them…. like I’m one of Charlie’s Angels don’t you think?’

  ‘What have you been doing?’ I ask her.

  ‘You mean what I have been taking?’ she retorts, ‘I know you Jared, remember!’

  ‘No…’ I say carefully, ‘I would like to know what you mean…. all that you just said.’

  ‘Wouldn’t you just; you devil of a man! And to think I adored you so much!’

  ‘Janey…. I think you can let go now. It does hurt.’ I’m really not able to block out the pain for much longer. She has an incredibly strong grip.

  ‘Oliver!’ I shout. But they are already coming out of the tent to find me. Joe and Oliver come towards us. Oliver Takes Janey’s arm and presses something. She winces and immediately lets go of me.

  ‘Now explain this…. Right now!’ Oliver says to her; but she looks glazed.

  Joe pulls me away from her.

  ‘What’s going on?’ it’s Adam. He takes the whole scenario in in one sweep and turns back to the tent. I suppose with the intention of keeping the others from seeing what just happened. But they are all here. Marcia seems impassive. ‘Joe; sort him out.’ she says, ‘Adam, James; keep Janey here. Oliver; Take Davey back inside….and make him stays there until I find out what actually happened.’

  ‘She didn’t mean it!’ I said.

  ‘See to him Joe.’ Marcia orders, her mouth set in a hard line. I turn slightly to see blood coming through my left sleeve.

  Joe is still tending to my arm when Oliver comes in to the small pod set aside as a medical bay.

  ‘Bloody Women!’ said Oliver and added something in Welsh.

  ‘That’s enough!’ said Joe.

  ‘Sorry.’ Oliver regains his composure immediately.

  ‘I don’t know what happened.’ I said, ‘I just asked her to join us and then she reacted…. I really don’t understand what happened.’

  ‘Does it hurt?’ Joe asked me.

  ‘She didn’t mean it.’ I said.

  ‘Jared! Does it hurt?’ Joe pulls me back to the here and now.

  ‘Yes.’ I said.

  ‘How much?’

  ‘Quite a bit.’

  ‘A lot then.’ Joe replied, and gave Oliver a look that spoke volumes. Oliver left and Joe found and unlocked the drugs case.

  ‘The female of the species is more deadly than the male.’ He said lightly.

  ‘That’s a song.’ I said.

  ‘I believe it’s in the lyrics of something somewhere.’ He said, ‘here, I have something for you.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Water?’

  ‘I…err, yes.’ I took the tablets. Joe was not to be argued with when in this authoritative state of mind.

  Ten minutes later, I was back in the main tent. The sheet was still spread out on the camping table. Davey was sat in one of the chairs. Oliver is sto
od with his arms folded. At that moment Marcia came back in looking grim.

  ‘We aren’t going to be able to get away until after lunch. This has rather buggered up our plans. Sorry folks.’

  ‘What did she say?’ I asked.

  ‘Not much.’ Marcia replied, ‘but then, I expected that.’

  ‘So what is your opinion?’

  ‘That you sit down Jared, right now.’ Marcia was being cold towards me; which meant something. I just wasn’t sure what.

  Joe left and then after a few minutes Adam came back in.

  ‘This will be all of us for now. Joe and James will make sure Janey is alright.’ Adam looked at me as he spoke.

  ‘So what was going on?’ Oliver asked me.

  ‘I don’t know.’ I said in a fed up kind of voice. I was just so sick of Janey, and her little dramas.

  They all regarded me in silence.

  ‘Hang on a minute!’ I looked at them in shock, ‘you think I did something to make her react like that?’

  ‘Did you?’ asked Adam doubtfully.

  I just stared at them all; I think I must have looked frightened.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I said. My voice was trembling. I looked down at my right hand. It was shaking.

  ‘What did you say to Janey?’ Davey spoke at last. He was on his feet.

  ‘Nothing…. I don’t know. I was just asking her to join us.’

  ‘Then what happened?’ Marcia spoke this time.

  ‘She…. just went weird. I don’t know…. she grabbed my arm. She wouldn’t let go!’ I could feel myself starting to panic. Something was wrong. Something was nibbling at the edges. They were all stood up; I was sitting. They are standing over me. I’m breathing too fast. I know that if I react badly they will think I did that with Janey…. I know. Can I trust my friends?

  ‘Look,’ said Adam in a reasonable “grown up” kind of voice, ‘Just tell us exactly what happened. You know we have to log all incidents. You know that, don’t you Jared?’

  I can’t breathe. Even Marcia looks at me questioningly.

  ‘Of course I didn’t do anything to her!’ The words burst out. Do I sound a bit crazy?

  ‘She says you did.’ Adam looks at me.

  I’m on my feet then. ‘Damn her bloody lies! She’s a vindictive little witch!’ I shout, ‘I didn’t do anything to her. I didn’t say anything to her! I swear it…. She hurt me…. She said things to me!’ I try to get out of the tent, I need some air. Away from all of it. Away from Janey. Away from this whole thing. Davey stands in my way.

  ‘You’re not going anywhere.’ He says. I cannot read his expression. But I’m certain my comments have not gone down too well.

  ‘Please. I need some air! Please….’ I push past them all out towards the rock that I was standing on maybe only half an hour before.

  ‘Jared!’ someone shouts, but I’m not listening. I circle the rock and dip down a small incline into the nearby belt of forest. I feel the clammy slippery feeling of fear that I cannot control. I stumble then into the trees. I just need a place to be alone. I can’t bear it. I can’t stand it now…. she’s gone too far…. I don’t know what she said but that is enough! I hate her! And I hate them all for believing her rather than me. I was always the one to blame! That’s how it works…. It’s the naughty boy….it can’t be the sweet, innocent, helpless girl.

  Well done Davey! I hear Marcia yell with extreme sarcasm, why can’t you let us handle it? I hear them talking. I’m not actually far away. I slither down a tree. I’m sat in a grassy hollow and there are trees all around. People are awful creatures, I decide. I want to stay here; I want to be alone. They never needed me. The unfairness of it stings me so badly. Just because of Janey…I’m the bad guy; again.

  She would never leave me alone. She would never let me be. She followed me round like some little shadow. I was glad to leave. It was better after I got my own place. We saw each other enough to satisfy her crazy devotion; but not enough for me to start getting angry. Mother understood. She knew how Janey stirred it up. Karis would take her side and my father would let the argument stand. I realised now he was afraid for her. Her saw how we were both so fragile….so lacking peace of mind; but he saw that Laura adored me and gave me that security and acceptance when he was away on the long tours. What a job! Who would want it? Wanderlust…. No not really. Janey wanted us all together getting along. How the hell did we end up on the same expedition? How? That was easy. Rimmington! And his bloody mind games…with Hanson reeling the people in for him. So easy. I’d been played from the beginning. A fucking experiment! It has to stop… it has to end….

  It runs down into silence after a while. I end up watching the leaves move. I’m not thinking; not feeling. I am though…. but it’s shoved down deep inside. Deep down where the subconscious part of me excludes all else. Some damn expedition! Why did she have to be here? I realised that the best part of it was when Janey wasn’t there. How she drives me crazy! Of course it is not really true…. Whatever is going on inside me….it isn’t to do with her. She is just an excuse that I can use. It’s too easy… way too easy. I blink a few times. There they are…. Salty drops of that internal sea. The one I try to not let fall. I realise with a sudden kind of shock that Janey never cries. I don’t remember seeing it. I can never remember that…. Whereas I am tearful at the slightest provocation. Well I was…. that little boy. She mocked me. I see her running in my mind’s eye, shouting to one of the people in the village. ‘Jared is crying again!’ Again. With one word she denounced me. And grown up Janey is so much cleverer than that, so much more devious and has so many more weapons at her disposal. I can’t beat her….

  But of course that is what she wants me to try to do. That way she has all the attention. The attention that I don’t want…. yet I have got without even trying. Weird.

  This all goes back to the accident. The drive. Or the fatality…. Which? Which outcome did we choose? Which world do I want to live in? Where there are giants, there I knew the good, pure woman. No more the feckless girl. How have we come to this? Then she was in the mountain before that…. She said she slipped out of the cuffs. Rimmington wouldn’t have made such a fundamental mistake. There has to be an explanation. I offered myself to him. He could have killed me. Why didn’t he accept my offer?

  Suddenly I realise I’ve missed something. Something important. Was I really paying attention? He needed me for something. But what? He needed me alive…. That was it. I was no use to him dead. He had to get me out because…. Because. The experiment is still running… is it? Or have we been made to believe that?

  Janey slipped the cuffs? She said she did. Did she lie? She was telling the truth; at least she thought she was telling the truth.

  Something else. Later…. Later… something will be; what? Will be……

  My train of thought is broken. I think I can hear someone moving through the bushes. I need more time to think. I need time to reason something out. But there is no time. How long have I been here? Only about twenty minutes; maybe half an hour at the most. They can wait. Anyone with an ounce of outdoor tracking experience would find me in a matter of minutes. Ergo: they know where I am. They are just waiting for me to calm down and come back to the camp.

  I walk back into the tent. Everyone is there except Janey. They all look up at me. Contrition on Davey’s face especially. I sit down. James disappears, and a few minutes later brings me coffee. I can feel something is coming. Perhaps I already know.

  ‘I think we are all sorry for what just happened.’ said Oliver.

  ‘Nevertheless,’ Joe said, ‘I have to advise what is best for the group. You understand that Jared?’

  ‘Yes,’ I look at him steadily, ‘Of course I do.’

  ‘That is why…’ Oliver said evenly, ‘we must do what we have to do. Because we all need to keep it together.’

  ‘Yes. Naturally.’ I reply. I know I’m closing off. It might be days before I can speak to any of them with more than two or
three words.

  ‘It’s just…’ Marcia begins.

  ‘It’s fine;’ I cut in, ‘I see it. You will clear me of the Team Leader position because of being unfit…. mentally unstable, and emotionally compromised.’

  ‘I wouldn’t go so far as to say that…’ Davey began.

  Joe cuts across him; ‘That’s right,’ he said firmly, ‘you will be given a copy of the log entry if you wish to keep it in your personal journal.’

  ‘I don’t think I want to amuse myself in quite that fashion. I don’t require a copy thank you.’ I look down into the cup, ‘good coffee. Is there any more?’

  James immediately takes my cup and goes to refill it.

  ‘This is not about…. what just happened; not entirely,’ said Oliver, ‘this has been on the cards for quite a while. Do you accept that?’

  ‘Yes.’ I said and took the full cup from James. I have nothing more to say. No confession. No discussion. They will get nothing out of me. I will tell them nothing. As for Janey; as long as she stays out of my way, I’ll be quite humble and compliant. I never wanted to prime spot anyway. This is not my idea of fun.

  ‘Are we done now?’ I ask coldly.

  ‘Yes…. Yes, I think so.’ said Adam glancing at Marcia. She nodded slightly her cheeks ashen, her expression hard, yet shocked. Perhaps the necessity of it was what made her do it. For the good of the group.

  ‘Fine.’ I stand up.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Joe asks me.

  ‘I am going to have a cigarette. On my own. Outside. And then I will do exactly what Marcia asks me to; or you Joe or Oliver. Leader; Doc; Deputy Leader.’ I point at each in turn. Is that right?’

  ‘Yes.’ said Marcia.