The Power of Forgetting

by A M Russell

  I ignored her frozen expression and go with at least the outward appearance of calm to find my pack, and dig out the pack of black Russians. Sweet. Just in a moment and then I will forget it all. Deliberately wipe it all out. As if it never existed at all.

  We broke camp after a very quiet lunch. I was put in the navigator’s position: front left seat. Marcia and Adam were just behind. Further back Joe and Davey. James was right in the back with Janey. The compartment divider had been put in place and later they swapped round with Adam going to sit with Janey. Joe chatted with Marcia as we rode along, as he was in the third seat back on the driver’s side. I don’t know what happened in the back. Nor did I want to know. Davey didn’t say a word. I was kept busy as we made progress to the bottom skirt of these two steep sides of mountain ridges. Down here we couldn’t see the tops. A decision was imminent. I was pretty sure that I knew what it would be. I knew that the quality of my driving was not in any way impaired by what had happened. But naturally I didn’t expect them to trust me until we had at least slept on it.

  We came to the point where we could not go any further on this road if we wanted to turn off. It wasn’t a road as such; just a way through that our perception saw as being a road. I looked up and to the right. My arm stung a little; it was the left one. I’m right handed, so I suppose I ought to be grateful that she hadn’t done something to “stop” me if I had been doing something to her! I shook my head to stop that train of thought and looked again. It was clearer now we could see it from down here. That upper “road” was impassable. There was a landslide further along that blocked it off completely. So we took the lower road.

  It was quite alarming passing between those two mountains, which from this angle seemed to rise almost vertically above us. As we went further in there was a distinct sense of oppression. It was probably a trick of the perspective but those edges between which we could see the sky appeared to get closer and closer together. There was no way out and it was getting to the point where we wouldn’t be able to turn around at all; even I was at the wheel. It would be impossible. We would have to back up. Not a comforting thought. We decided to stop and do a quick survey ahead on foot. There had to be a way through. Our antagonists had passed this way. They had left a trail even a blind giraffe could follow. I got out with Oliver. We took the small pack with the torches and started to walk. Despite the rather Mordor-like surroundings, this lifted my spirits enormously. We were scanning for any possible way through. I might have been officially dumped off the list of who’s in charge. But out here it was results that mattered when you were in a challenging environment. I didn’t give a damn at that moment what the log book was saying about me. What were they going to do; sack me? Oliver and I were the best trackers. And Marcia knew it. She hadn’t let what happened cloud her judgement about my skills as such. And as for what may be between us; I could quite easily (while I was in my current state of mind) put that aside. If we had a future together, then this was a good a time as any to experience the first bumps along the road to Marital bliss. I wasn’t to romantic fool who thought once you proposed to a girl it was all roses and hearts and little fluffy clouds all the way. Before that I had nearly died. And this might be my only chance to prove that I was worthy of such a fine woman. She had more substance to her than anyone else. She had put her feelings to one side and followed it straight down the line. Marcia was a worthy Team Leader. And for once I felt that we stood a chance of getting through this without the group tearing itself apart. Oliver and I scrambled over some loose rocks then. For some reason I thought of Hanson. I wondered if we would see him. He was mixed up in all of this. But I wasn’t sure how deep.

  ‘Look!’ Oliver had spotted our way though. Or at least our way in. we went to inspect the tunnel entrance. There were some strange patterns near the entrance. Someone had rather clumsily brushed out their tire tracks. I suppose that it wasn’t that badly done. But well it seemed obvious to me. We returned to transport. The others were making hot drinks. As I sat down to sip my tea, we discussed what might be waiting for us in the caves. In the end we resolved to carry on in the transport. There was just enough space just in front of the cave entrance to turn the thing around. So it was possible to make it back to the fertile land we had been in this morning.

  ‘I think there is space to turn.’ I said, ‘if we take it slowly and have a couple of spotters.

  ‘How wide is the cave?’ asked Marcia.

  ‘We can definitely get in,’ said Oliver, ‘but it’s impossible to say what it does further in.’

  ‘Do we have the ice suits Jared?’ Janey is asking me. She’s sitting at the back of the main cab, with a mug cradled between her hands.

  ‘They are in the usual place.’ said Oliver, without looking at me or Janey.

  ‘Oh…. good.’ She said. And then when no one else said anything, ‘we could try that new crack light.’

  ‘Let’s just decide. Do we go in the caves or not?’ Oliver looks at everyone.

  ‘Raise your hands.’ Marcia said looking round.

  Everyone agrees on that score.

  ‘And for the buggy?’

  Everyone except Janey and Davey raise a hand. I notice Davey looking at her. I wonder if he’s doing it for other reasons than actual disagreement. It makes no difference. We set off then. After stopping to measure the length of the turning space just in case; we set off into the caverns.

  We’ve been moving for no more than twenty minutes through a dingy, lumpy black walled cavern. Oliver stops the transport, as their ahead is a dead end, with no certain way through.

  ‘Stay here.’ Marcia said to me. She and Oliver go to the front of the vehicle. In the head lights I see them talking. They move out of sight to the left. A moment later, Marcia comes and summons me.

  ‘Just so you know,’ she looked sideways at me as we walk forward, ‘I really didn’t want that to happen.’

  ‘Where’s Oliver?’ I ask her, and peer into the darkness.

  ‘He has gone back to the transport.’

  ‘Oh.’ I get my torch out of my pocket.

  ‘No.’ she says, taking it from me, ‘that will not be necessary.’

  ‘I can’t see without it. There’s no mineral phosphorescence out here.’

  ‘Look down.’

  ‘What is it?’ I follow her gaze. She moves closer to me.

  ‘I don’t like being in enclosed spaces.’ Marcia sounds calm despite her admission.

  ‘Well…. what can I do to help?’

  ‘You can stand a little closer.’ We are now right out of the arc of the head lights.

  ‘What are we looking for?’ I ask her, thinking there is something on the ground.

  ‘I am looking for you.’ Marcia leans towards me and brushes her cheek against mine. It sends a shiver through me. But I straighten up and regard her as blankly as I can in the dim light.

  ‘I can take it….’ I say, ‘being struck off the list; though I won’t have you trying to get me to commit two transgressions in one day.’

  ‘This is not about that. I just want to reassure you.’

  ‘Then do your job. The Team Leader has to take the pressure; and know where the point of breaking strain is. And this is just hypocrisy. You know what I ought to do?’

  ‘Play it by the book, and report me for improper advances towards a member of the team?’ Marcia asks.

  ‘You decided the way your First Decision was marked. Don’t back off now Ellis. It’s not good for morale.’

  ‘You really mean that don’t you?’

  I switched on the torch, ‘I’ll do my job. Anything else will have to wait.’

  Marcia is far too intelligent to be drawn by this. She knows just like I do, that the choice of Leadership style is as important as the strength of character of the person holding that role. But I would rather work for someone with strict rules; that they were prepared to slacken on occasion; than for someone who was sloppy and undisciplined themselves. I knew I should have been
taken of the Top shelf. I’m a more…. a “Take control in an emergency when everyone else is in trouble” kind of adventurer. I don’t like the boring grind of having to be all things to all people, and listen to endless moans about minor details.

  ‘Will you at least listen to what I have to say?’

  I turn round. Marcia stood in a sad but neutral position. She makes no move to step closer this time.

  ‘Very well.’ I say.

  ‘Your character is such that it is almost impossible to know what you are going to do next. I have never known you be in any way predictable. You only seem to follow orders when it suits you. Although you’re not competing for the Leadership; you always challenge it. Up until now, no one has ever recorded a bad log for you; that is despite some very self-damaging personality traits. I think you are a very unhappy person who hides within the job to keep some semblance of normality present. Am I right?’

  I reach out and touch her cheek; ‘Brutal…. but correct. This is one fucked up mess you’ve hooked up with Lady. Do you wish to continue?’

  ‘Yes. But not here. Not now. I will have it all straight by the end of this…. whatever we like to call it.’

  ‘The Nimbus Experiment?’ I step forward into her proximal space.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Seeing how far you really will go to bend your rules.’

  ‘So you want me to put you on report Jared?’

  ‘Perhaps. Perhaps you need to think about what you would say in your report. Think about it later when you’re in your bed.’

  ‘Hell Jared!’ Marcia tosses her hair over one shoulder, ‘Do you ever follow the rules?’

  ‘Sometimes yes. But not always.’

  ‘And the rest of the time?’ Marcia hasn’t moved as I bend towards her.

  ‘I trust my instincts.’ I take her head in my hands, and kiss her deeply. She responds, pressing against me. She is kissing me back. I feel that rush in my blood and in my head. She is warm; musky, and I want to take her warmth and press my hand against her abdomen; running my fingers down into the edge of her briefs. I don’t though. I draw back slightly. Her breath is faster as her pupils are dilated inside glinting eyes.

  ‘You have proved your point.’ Marcia pulls the lower half of my body towards hers; ‘I am no better.’

  ‘Yes you are….my point is simple. Rules are made to be broken. And the real principles that we stand on; that we are prepared to give ourselves up for, are never about something cold; detached; impersonal or dry. It is always about the things you Hate or Love.’ I kissed her again then, ‘You are stronger when you feel alive Marcia. You are greater when you live by the rules of Love…. not these sad feeble things.’

  Marcia blinks and looks as though she is about to say something.

  ‘I’m not trying to undermine you.’ I said, ‘I’m trying to help you.’

  ‘Yes. I know.’ She brushes her hand down my cheek, over the regrowth of the full set; ‘You will come and see me when I ask it?’ She says at last.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you will do whatever I ask of you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Anything?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Very well.’ She straightens up, ‘let’s see where this tunnel leads.’

  Smiling now, I followed her to investigate that small curve to the right; and find out if we will fit.

  A little while later we are congratulating ourselves on getting through a zigzagging tunnel strewn with hollows and bumps. Oliver passed the driver baton to me. We reached a kind of weird intersection of tunnels. Everyone except Joe and Janey get out to search for the trail we are following.

  'It's cold in here.' Davey stands next to me, as we trace the arcs of torchlight along the walls in systematic sweeps.

  'It could be water somewhere,' I touch the rock with my fingertips, 'Maybe a flow somewhere behind a wall.''

  'Are we in Summerland?' Davey seems surprized to ask the question.

  'Tell me your thoughts on that.' I look at Davey in a puzzled way as I speak. I'm listening. I move my Left palm over the surface, torch held aloft. There's something about that bothers me. There it is! A little texturing in the wall. Something I remember.... 'Davey! Get Oliver.'

  'Just going!' His torchlight slides away to my right towards the others.

  I clip the torch to my belt and then lay both palms against the rock. I close my eyes. I press my fingertips onto the surface. Then I put my right ear to the rock listening.

  There is a sound; something I've heard before close up. There is water behind the rock; lots of water....

  'Okay, Tell us?' Adam is the first to come over. I'm still listening, so I don't immediately respond.

  'What have you found?' Marcia has just walked over.

  'There is a big flow of water behind this rock. I think we might be quite low down. At the bottom of one of those sink holes.'

  'You mean where the water actually fills up the hole?' Marcia puts her hand against the rock, 'Mmm; cold.'

  'It's another underground channel.' Oliver is listening too now, 'but I think this is different...something.'

  'The points in the rock. Just there; and there....' I brush my palm over some texturing that seems out of place.

  Oliver steps back and brushes the torchlight all round this area; 'Good God! He's right! Look at that!'

  There is a regular pattern to these markings. Something is giving me that disquieting feeling in my stomach. There is something familiar about this.

  'Have we found a tunnel that goes up?' I can hear the dark tone in my own voice.

  'Over there.' James indicates to our right.

  'We need to go up.' I said flatly, 'We must do so straight away.'

  Oliver is still feeling the wall. He straightens up and nods to Marcia; 'It's pressurised. And this has been weakened. We must get well above this.'

  'What are those?' Davey points with his torch.

  I stumble backwards over some loose rock, 'Steady there!' Adam catches me.

  'The bastards!' I can feel I'm strung out. I go straight towards the transport.

  'Arden! Get back here!' I turn to see Marcia in an unmistakable expression of disgruntled bossiness.

  'Yes....sorry,' I walk back and stand beside her, 'it’s there and there; if you look carefully. This rock wall has been wired. It could be exploded by remote. And it could be done at any time.'

  Okay. Thank you Jared.' Marcia turns, 'Adam, Davey; walk ahead. You will be spotters for the drive on the route up. Oliver. You’re driving. James get back in. Jared, you're with me. We'll follow, and see if we can follow any pattern to this. Right folks; we need to know if the others went by this route too. Everyone watch for anything odd. Whatever you see, tell me straight away.' She put the ear piece and microphone over her hair. 'Report what you see Oliver, we will follow behind.'

  I simply stood waiting for instructions. The transport started to move slowly. I kept turning to watch behind as night took over the peculiar junctions of corridors. Oliver took it very steady. We walked at an undemanding pace. Marcia was getting regular updates through the head sets. I could hear the tinny miniature sounding voice as Davey and Adam spoke into their own headsets. After about ten minutes of this I began to get the oddest sensation. It was as if someone was following us. It wasn’t exactly creepy. More like the feeling of being spied on. I found myself looking round for little reflections that could indicate a tiny camera. Clearly today was proving to be about as freaky as any could I reasonably expect to have when the world that you inhabit is full of strange time twisting science. I had never got used to it all. I was still reeling from the preposterousness of us all being away for ten years in some cases; that when it was only a few weeks. The others, if they had any of those sorts of experiences, didn’t make a point of expressing them. It was crazy. Davey had said that he always expects to wake up, and for it all to be over. I guess I’d rather like that. If I had been really dreaming it all. I dig my nails into my left
wrist. Yep; this is reality. I’d recognise it anywhere! I told you reader; how I was going to tell you about a day you always remember. This wasn’t it. I just lost my position, dignity; and had been reined in by Marcia in front of everyone. I was feeling opposite; and didn’t quite know what to make of this thing, that prickled on the edge of my mind.

  ‘Do You….?’ I said suddenly to Marcia. But she had stopped and was listening intently.

  ‘What’s that?’ she hissed in a stage whisper.

  ‘I’ve heard it for the last ten minutes,’ I said, ‘I thought I was imagining things.’

  Marcia looks at me wide eyed, ‘You don’t have to think you’re being paranoid, even if you normally are. Just tell me what you hear?’

  ‘It like…. A kind of whooshing sound. An echo; or reverberation. Like in a concert hall. But the sound is not mechanical. It’s intermittent.’

  ‘Very good.’ Marcia nods as something comes through on the headset.

  ‘Yes…. Yes, okay Davey. Yes, we hear it too.’ She turns me, ‘You really have sharp little ears don’t you! I’ll have to be careful what I say around you.’

  I shrugged and smiled. Marcia’s abruptness was quite refreshing. She was joking of course. But then again I was in the habit of eavesdropping on conversations without meaning to.

  ‘Marcia!’ Davey is yelling. Marcia pulls the ear piece out. I can hear him right from the back. Oliver has stopped. We go forward to join Davey band Adam. Oliver climbs out.

  There ahead; like some brilliant hole in the fabric of the mountains dark night is I splash of faint daylight.

  ‘It’s six.’ Oliver says.

  ‘About three hours to sunset.’ Adam comes and leans on the bonnet of the transport, ‘what now?’

  ‘I’ll take three of you.’ Marcia looks at me and shakes her head slightly. I look away feigning nonchalance. She picks Oliver, James and Adam. I am to get into the driver’s seat; and wait instructions. I climb in feeling tired and a little put out. Curiosity about what is ahead, as well as a strong desire to avoid being in proximity to Janey for the rest of the day, is making me anxious. I can feel it begin…. dark shades of my soul. I try to think of something funny; fail, and resort to thinking up all the rhymes I can remember. There’s a buzzing in the cab. It’s the head set. I forgot to put it on. I press it to my ear.