The Power of Forgetting

by A M Russell

‘We all do.’

  ‘Do I?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Do you know anything about your sister?’

  ‘You are not her…’

  ‘I am……well not being someone else gives me a taste for freedom.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. You look at me as a creature that owes you now. I think you would not extract any payment.’

  ‘You don’t owe me anything.’ I said.

  ‘Nevertheless. I feel there is a debt of mercy; it is something I would willingly exchange my true inclinations for.’

  ‘What are you?’ I suddenly asked her. She sat down on the sand. My boots were between us.

  ‘Just take what you want.’ She said, ‘because they will not let me live for much longer.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘The company.’

  ‘You mean the Bank Project?’

  ‘Nimbus. And other things.’

  I looked out to sea. And we sat side by side. And the breezes sang away the darkness.

  ‘Please don’t touch me.’ I said; as she lightly brushed her fingertips along my shoulder.

  ‘I’m not Janey.’

  ‘You are something much worse than that…’

  ‘Oh? What?’

  ‘My Fantasy woman; come to life. My obsessive dream since…. well as long as I can remember. You may not be her, but I bet that you taste as sweet.’

  ‘Then try me.’ She smiled; and slipped the shirt off one shoulder.

  ‘What are you?’ I sound light still, but with an approaching edginess.

  ‘I am…. awake. Since that last time. Auntie Zee said I could sleep, and then I woke up here.’

  ‘When did you “wake up”?’

  ‘Last night.’

  ‘You were there, near my parent’s house?’

  ‘At Zee’s house? Yes. Of course’

  ‘But where was Janey?’

  ‘She was there too. I slipped into her mind to stop something bad from happening…. I don’t stick around.’ She looked away unhappiness written on her face, ‘I will have to go back to my hiding place for quite a while. They will not tolerate me when they find Janey.’

  ‘I don’t think they are going to have much choice.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I won’t let you just be disconnected. You are not a kitchen appliance!’

  She laughed and looked out across the waves again. She turned then and leaned closer to me.

  ‘I waited for this day. You are my master. What do you wish?’

  ‘Err….’ I realised how this could end up if I wasn’t careful. And sitting around without one’s shorts, was not a way to prove you hadn’t done anything with a woman. Something was still bothering me; ‘where do you come from?’

  ‘I was there a long time…. sleeping. We seem to die but come back again….’

  ‘It sounds like the Cloud Fields.’

  ‘Yes…. Janey says that doesn’t she?’

  ‘She invented the phrase.’

  ‘I know what I am…. But I don’t have a name for it…. You are not angry with me?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You can be though.’

  ‘Yes. Sometimes.’

  ‘Your nature is unstable and full of passion.’

  ‘How do you know me?’

  ‘You called me out, so I would be awake.’

  ‘I did?’

  ‘And the other who comes. She does not belong in this body, even though it is a copy. It is near to what I really look like. I came back because Janey wasn’t here to be your friend. She has gone her own way for a long time now.’

  ‘So I didn’t……’

  ‘No. you didn’t; as you say.’ She smiled a little then looked sad, ‘You are troubled by a thing that is fearful. It wants to be free, but doesn’t know how.’

  I felt my expression harden and I turned my face away then. She had seen inside of me and I didn’t like it.

  ‘I’m sorry…’ she said softly, ‘but in the Cloud Fields I found you free of it and then you reached out to me.’

  ‘I don’t understand!’

  ‘Jared…. Jay. I’m in Love with you. Don’t you know that? And although a lowly creature like this cannot hope to find a mortal’s love; there is something I can do for you…’

  ‘Oh….’ I turned back towards her then. She resembled my sister. But she was not her. She was still and quiet and warm like a summer day. ‘What is your name?’

  ‘You cannot know… until it leaves I must not tell you.’

  ‘The hitchhiker?’

  ‘Yes,’ she smiled, ‘the hitchhiker. You are carrying too much of a burden. And that would add to it…. But if it please you; you can call me Amber. It makes more sense than confusing us.’

  I can see her lips part then; and I want her with such force it takes me effort to draw another breath. It is raw, animal, basic, and savage…. ‘You were the champagne girl?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ She seemed surprised that I didn’t know. ‘I would take you to another place…. A warm place; like a dream it would seem. Janey had nothing to do with this…. She is still a…’ but I interrupted her; ‘So you tricked me?’

  ‘I didn’t trick you. You were always aware of this. But you forgot…. It was that horrible experiment!’

  ‘Wait a minute…. You mean you remember it all?’

  ‘Yes of course. I cannot be changed.’

  Tell me who the “Circle of Five” are?’

  ‘I’m not absolutely certain. But they seem to be the men Charles and Ira; and Mr Rimmington. And then two women who I cannot name…’

  ‘So who attacked you?’

  ‘That would be Davey…. But I think he mistook me for someone else.’

  ‘Davey! But….’

  ‘It’s okay. It really is. It wasn’t his fault.’

  ‘What about Adam?’

  ‘That was your Ex….’ She wrinkled her nose in disgust, ‘I think she was angry with you. But she couldn’t let Adam’s Avatar warn you!’

  ‘So where is Adam? And James?’

  ‘Adam is back at the hotel in your village. And James never left London I believe.’

  ‘How many copies are there?’

  ‘A lot. But not all are being inhabited by Rimmington’s people. We cannot destroy them. So we take them over…. At night it works best. Sometimes it’s hard to keep control. The transmitter makes it difficult.’

  ‘Those black boxes?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Are you an Elemental?’

  ‘I think so.’

  ‘You don’t know?’

  ‘I have been sleeping. You woke me up.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘When the time comes you will understand.’

  ‘Is this about what Rimmington wants from me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Does he want to use you?’

  ‘Yes; probably.’

  ‘Dear Lady! I want you to run away from here! Just run; please!’

  ‘You are freeing me from the team?’

  ‘If you like.’

  ‘You want me to hide?’

  ‘I want you to be safe.’

  ‘When shall I go?’

  ‘Today….’ But she was leaning nearer to me; bending over me. I could feel that magnetic beat of something so wild inside. She was like the fire inside my heart. Secret fire. Secret loathing; and longing and desire. But now it was different. This creature had drawn the poison of my dark side. She kissed me. Curling her tongue into the edge of my mouth. I was breathing faster and faster and my vision decreased down to her; just her. Suddenly she tumbled me over onto to my back; and was astride me in a moment. I groaned once. I felt weak with desire and she was so very strong. Like a tree is strong. Or some green growing thing. I melted into her. And she was rocking over me like the waves beating the shore. Every nerve was straining to focus into this golden creature; this dream of a woman. She touched me in ways I cannot explain. And I remembered then
; I remember in that window of a moment, that same force of nature bearing down on me taking what I am and drawing it into cool water and the heat of the sun. I can hear myself gasping as she tightens her legs around me. Everything is focused down and down into that part of a man that ends up ruling the reason, and erasing any sense, intelligence or common sense I have left. Seducer; a sprite with golden hair. I feel everything implode into a million fragments. And she is kissing me and crying…

  ‘I will leave in a few minutes…. but I will be here whenever you call. I promise to help you; and not to harm you. I promise to help your friends and hide you from your enemies. I will not be commanded by any other. Amber’s name is good. And I will tell you my true name the next time we meet.

  ‘Amber….’ I said trying to lift my head.

  ‘Shhh…. wait. Then I will be leaving; but not forever. Call me when you need me. Wait a few moments…. until I have gone…. Beloved Man. I know that in the end, you cannot be mine…. But I would die on this thorn, rather than sleep until the world is about to finish its story. To be human…. to break a heart; then I know I have one….’ she kissed me again; and lifted herself from me. Then Amber touched my cheek stroking along my beard and then down my shoulder. She stood looking down upon me, and then smiled. She walked away to my right out of my sight.

  I sat up suddenly, my head spinning as the blood pressure readjusted. ‘Amber…. I….’ I looked all around. The beach was empty. I felt hollow and cold. I stood up then and stumbled to the fringe of the wavelets. With a cry of rage, I flung myself into the crashing foam. The shock seemed to wake me up and washed away the feeling of hazy guilt and loneliness. I plunged my face in several times until I felt chilled and awake on the other side of the world. The beach seemed normal; not magical; but still beautiful. She had gone. And we would be leaving to walk into the Lion’s den. Tomorrow perhaps? What other choice did we have?

  They are still there, looking at the screen. I feel so much has happened in the last forty odd minutes that I cannot understand why no one has moved.

  'That was quick; did you change your mind?' Marcia is flicking her hair back over her shoulder. It is a dominant gesture; perhaps defiant of others, but I'm not sure what she means really.

  'How long have I been?' I asked and edge into a camping chair.

  Oliver stares at his watch. I automatically look at mine as well. Ten twenty-five....

  I sit there while the others finish the assessment of the black box data. What the hell is going on?

  I had been gone less than ten minutes. I sit very still. It is a moment that could be a watershed for everything. I wait as the water level inside my mind rises; things float free and start to slide upwards to the surface. There is only one question that needs answering: Is Janey still here?

  Joe comes in; 'Oliver!' he sees me and frowns. In my paranoid state I think he can see my thoughts, and know what has just happened.

  'That's it' Davey is saving files.

  'We really don't have much time.' Marcia looks thoughtful, 'Ah! Joe.... Did she tell you how many other scientists are in this Nimbus lab?'

  'Yeah,' Joe holds out the journal, 'It includes several copies. We need to decide what we will do if we meet them. We might need to do things that could be regarded as distasteful.'

  'Let's not jump ahead.' Marcia stood up, 'Everyone needs to eat. And then we'll break camp. I've no intention of making this easy for them. Even if they do know where we are.'

  'Who do you want on equipment packing?' Davey closes down the tough lid on the terminal and looks at me.

  'Not yet,' Marcia motions to Joe, 'Mark her.' she hands him the felt pen. Joe takes Oliver with him. Davey is still looking at me. I know that he knows that something has gone weird. But he just stands and holds out a hand to me, pulling me upright again. 'Let's do lunch.' he turns to Marcia who nods.

  'I'll be through in a minute.' she said.

  'Okay....what is it?' Davey and I are getting lunch ready. He pauses, knife in hand; glancing sideways as he speaks.

  'Nothing.' I put another cup down on a tray.

  'Your hair was wet.' he carries on slicing cheese.

  'Yes.'

  'I remember this....'

  'Oh?' milk now going in.

  'It's a parallel.' Davey said, 'You were like this in the caves.'

  I turned away then, and waited for more hot water.

  'I will stick with it. Whatever happens.' he says, 'You know why don't you?'

  I turn towards him. Our eyes meet. Something about him always surprises me. Naivety? Or a childlike innocence?

  'Yes David.' I hear myself say, 'I know why. I just hope your faith in others is justified.'

  He just smiles; and then carries on putting all the sandwiches onto plates.

  Half an hour later I am totally confused. Janey is sitting there primly eating sandwiches. She looks a little pained, but each moment is swallowed up with joy. She smiles at all of us as if she is seeing us for the first time. I cannot bear it. Who was the woman who made love to me on the beach? I betrayed my Eve. I feel so bad, so hollow, and so alone. Marcia smiles at me then, and I look at her with tears in my eyes. It is so wrong. This thing that I have done. It was a compulsion, an obsession. Was it love? No. but then Davey leans towards me and whispers ‘Jared…. what’s wrong?’

  I turned away. I am trying to hide; but he knows. Yes, he always knows. Like some confessional. This boy has become the man I had hoped to be. We are the same age, yet we seem so different.

  ‘Take me out of here.’ I say.

  We go outside. And before the decreed deconstruction of the dome and Marcia’s check lists ticked…. There I confess to my friend. He is calm, reasonable. And gently chides me for being so hard on myself.

  ‘Come now. That’s not the worst thing that anyone has ever done!’

  ‘Well what is?’ I say miserably bowing my head, then look up, surprised, ‘You’re not angry with me?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘But why not?’

  ‘Jared…. she told me all about it. Everything. Your sister understands your struggle better than you think. She is not blind to your pain. She wants you to be…. Well. We want to help you. But while you have this, erm…. Obsessive love for her; she doesn’t know how she cannot make it worse for you. She cares about you deeply; and she has never been….err… with you in that sense. It was all that other…. That double…. We know that is true. We know that is what happened to you. Someone is trying to push you over the edge. They want you to lose control. They want you to find no place to hide. They need you to break.’ He puts both hands on my shoulders, ‘did you think we did not understand?’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For everything….’ Why did Davey have to be so kind? And Janey too? Sister! What have I done to you?

  I sit still a long time after that. Janey…. And Davey. I see it now. And this other…. What is she?

  ‘Keep her away from me.’ I say.

  ‘Yes of course.’ Davey stands up, ‘I’ll get you a tea, and then we’ll get the equipment cases filled, together.’

  ‘Alright.’ I am lighter, relieved. I see her at a distance. But she doesn’t come near me. I want nothing else to come into to my mind and disturb its fragile peace. Oliver is helping Marcia with the logistics. With fewer people on the crew we need to cut a few corners. This could take hours. But I think Marcia and Oliver have worked out a way to get the camp down quickly.

  Later we are on our way again. Oliver is driving. I am in the back. I lay down on the long seats exhausted. I fell asleep then and dreamed. I can’t remember what it was, but when I wake she is looking at me. Janey Amber…. or whoever she is.

  ‘Jared?’ she says.

  I just stare. We are into hilly grassy country now. It is not five miles away. It is a lot longer than that. Oliver is annoyed Marcia keeping looking at the map. This Janey sits looking benign and sweet. She doesn’t speak to anyone else, unless they speak
first. It is different with me.

  ‘Jared?’ she asks again.

  ‘What is it?’ out of the corner of my eye I see Davey waiting carefully. He’s ready to step in if things become complicated.

  ‘Please tell me you are okay with this?’ she stares at me curiously, expectant even. I feel? Invaded….

  ‘No.’ that hardness that I have attempted to eradicate from myself is come back again full force. She seems taken aback. Davey shifts in his seat.

  ‘Okay!’ Marcia’s voice is like a shock of cold water, ‘there is trouble ahead. Get ready!’

  We see something like a mist in the distance. It is weird. It reminds me of something from the past. What?

  ‘Outside temperature is dropping…. Okay folks we’ll stop now”!’ Marcia turns round in the navigator’s seat. Joe goes to the back to get the ice suits out without any further prompting.

  We slide into the layers of the suits with a little reluctance. But the temperature seems to be bottoming out even as we stand still on this avenue of tropical plants. They look kind of blue and unhappy like leeks in a freezer.

  ‘Zero degrees.’ Oliver says, and spears me with a glance. I return it. Something feels familiar. Safe even.

  ‘What’s is the rate of drop?’ I say to him.

  ‘About five degrees per minute. And it’s getting strange. The landscape behind us seems to be freezing up as well.’

  ‘What is the last reading when we could get a relay signal?’

  ‘Five degrees.’ Oliver seems worried, ‘There’s something very creepy about this.’ He adds.

  ‘It the outer protection for the base.’ Janey says.

  ‘Now look woman!’ Oliver is firm and loud, ‘if you want to make us into frozen fish for tea why didn’t you say something earlier?’

  ‘No one asked.’ she said, ‘besides; It is hard for you to picture what it’s like from my point of view. This should only last about quarter of an hour. Then you will see a rise of the outer temperature. And you can take off the suits.’

  ‘If you don’t mind. I won’t be taking you word for that!’ I can see Oliver’s face. He’s getting quite hacked off with this bit of the journey. It’s as if he can sense the kind of trouble we are in before it even happens.