The Power of Forgetting

by A M Russell

  Joe was coming from the medical bay, as I went to investigate where everyone else had got to.

  'She wants to talk.' Joe pushed me in and closed the flap.

  'Hi.' was all she said.

  She was like a beautiful painting made of gold. Her skin had a sheen that was like the mineral powder on my hands. I sat down. I felt helpless and bewildered. She lay very still and looked up at me blinking.

  'It's alright.' she had a voice that sounded parched and cracked. I held out my cup.

  'I don't know if it will do any good.' she tried to raise herself up.

  'Let me.' I left the mug on the bench nearby and very slowly eased her up.

  'Thank you....'

  'Tea? Janey.'

  'Yes.'

  I sipped it twice and blew on it. Cool enough. I held it to her lips. She took some and sighed. Then drank some more.

  'Now you.' she said.

  So I drank a little more myself. I offered it to her again. She took in the liquid slowly, a bit like a kitten lapping from a saucer of milk.

  We looked at each other. She spoke very softly, but now it was, if still a bit wispy and dry sounding; 'Well Jared, have they found the place yet?'

  'The map reference?' I was thinking that I should go and tell the others when she spoke again: 'Marcia has it too. But you must beware of Him. He wants you because you and I have the power over nature. You can touch the earth....' she blinked, and then closed her eyes. She opened them again a moment later. 'You can touch the earth; and find the essence of all things. Rocks, minerals, trees and plants. And even perhaps animals.'

  'What about people?'

  'Ah! There is that little matter of freewill. Do not control, do not poison, and do not corrupt. Nature turns against you. She is like a very strong Lioness. She is wild! She is passionate, and she will scratch you unless you make your peace with her!'

  'What do you mean?' I was trying to work out if the wound had started to heal. She took my hand. 'When you get home, ask Auntie Zee.'

  'What?'

  'Davey is not like you. You do have answers. Don't ask what, but how.... go and see her; because she is one of our own.'

  At first I thought that the pain had made her ramble. But then considered the woman we used to visit as little children. She gave us herb drinks and Honey on home baked bread; and lived no more than half a mile from our parents’ house. Her garden was lovely and warm. And the bees had seemed as huge as small birds.

  'Auntie Zee?' I'd not thought of her in years.

  'Yes.'

  'I'll go and see her then.' I told Janey; but simply because she asked it of me. She smiled and breathed out long and began sinking into sleep again.

  'Janey?'

  'Yes my dear Jay?'

  'What is happening?'

  'You may have just saved this body.... I think; no, I'm sure you have.' and somehow her face seemed different. Around the mouth and eyes, a normal flesh colour was returning. I sat with her and held her hand. And like a flower opens so slowly several minutes later there was a visible difference in her colour. That brittle sheen was fading like the sun obscured by rain clouds. And then the rain falls, to soak into the parched earth.

  'Would you like more tea?' I couldn't think of what else might help.

  'Yes please.' her voice sounded stronger too, '-but only if you make it.'

  'Huh? Alright.' I went and made two more cups: strong and with plenty of milk. Joe looked up as I crossed the main area again.

  'The others will be back from a beach sweep in about ten minutes or so.' he said. I noticed he was wearing the main head set.

  This time Janey sat up. And sipped holding the cup I passed to her.

  'There is something that you must do for Me.' she regarded me with one of her really serious expressions.

  'Tell me.'

  'Remove the black box.... It's under the skin.'

  'Where?'

  'On a woman, it's usually in the hip area. Where there is plenty of padding.' she grinned, 'should be easy to find.'

  'Does it still hurt?'

  'A bit.'

  'The wound I mean.'

  'It's starting to heal.'

  'Oh,' I was at a loss, 'You want us to get this.... Black box out?'

  Just then Joe came in to see her; 'She mentioned that before,' he said, 'but I thought it was just worn outside.'

  'Can it be done?' I asked him.

  'Well yes. But we have to be careful; maybe later. Hmm...'

  'No.' Janey seemed tearful then, 'It must be now! You have the equipment to read it don’t you? It can be scanned or plugged in on a normal computer cable.'

  'I'm not certain....' Joe looked at me.

  'Does it mean they'll think this copy has expired; if we take it out?'

  'As soon as no contact is made with the subject; then a signal is sent that makes the box inoperative within two hours. The technicians handle them with erm...plastic gloves. It is probably in the fat on the top of the left buttock. I've seen it done. They are easy to remove.'

  'But there is no analgesic that works.'

  'It is better this way;' said Janey in a shaky voice, 'the last reading will be of pain. They will see a flat line…. and this double is officially caput.'

  'Will it affect you... I mean you back there?'

  'Yes. I'm in the lounge area now. I'll leave and go to the ladies room. Just a moment. There.... I'm in.'

  'You are there?' I asked; quite unable to imagine this double consciousness.

  'Yes.' she looked at me fully, 'I have to officially "expire".'

  'How will that change you in there?' I wasn't about to do anything that hurt her. Joe opened his drawer of surgical instruments. He put on gloves and handed me a hard plastic looking stick.

  'She needs to bite down on this.' to me, and then to Janey: 'Turn over slowly.' Janey started to turn onto her side with my help. The right side. The injury was on the left around the waist area. We took it nice and slowly. She winced with pain once more, and tears sprang to her eyes.

  ‘How long do we have from when it comes out?’ Joe was calm, soothing.

  ‘Realistically, up to Ninety minutes. The drop off is quite steep after that. Most fail within the next quarter of an hour.’ Janey was making an effort to be sciency and confident for my sake; but I could see the beading of sweat on her forehead. She was completely real. With her soul….no one except a person completely familiar with her, could ever know the difference. The mind was still hers, and in some ways she was more like the Janey I really loved than she had been for a long time. The thought stung me with sadness; but I ignored that for now. The immediate attempt, that was to be made, to save her from being invaded, I assumed by another mind; was what made this curious experience worth paying attention to, and making mental notes of for later.

  I would not forget the tightness of her grip as she squirmed against the knife. Joe got tweezers; ‘Okay Janey; just one more moment. I can see the edge of it now.’

  She stared at me with pleading eyes. Tears squeezed out a moment later; and then with one tug it was out. There was a dull ting in the metal dish. Then Joe taped the cut closed and covered it.

  ‘I’ll take this straight to Marcia and Oliver,’ he indicated with his free hand, ‘She can stay there for a little while, and then she can be moved to the pod. I’ll come back as soon as we’ve done all the scans.’

  She was still crying a little as Joe left us there. I detached my hands from hers and rubbed them.

  ‘Oh dear Jared…. I forgot; I’m strong. Is it bad?’

  ‘No; just painful for a moment. Come on; let’s get you more comfortable.’ I got another pillow and found an extra blanket.

  ‘Is there any Honey?’ she suddenly asked.

  ‘There must be.’ I felt her forehead. And then the pulse on her neck.

  ‘It’s good. Top quality.’ She said moving slightly, ‘circulatory system, the works.’

  ‘I…I don’t think of your body like that.’

&nb
sp; She was silent, her eyes moving round my face; ‘You don’t do you. You think something else. Something that is quite different to the clinical separateness we are all used to.’ She tried to move again, ‘this one is for you.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I cautiously sat in the seat next to her and held her hand.

  ‘You were always in the under soil of my nature…. Jay. It is the physical form. It isn’t perfect but you have brought it back….’

  ‘I didn’t do anything.’ she really was sending my mind round in circles this time.

  ‘You are doing it right now.’

  ‘Now?’

  ‘Yes…’ her eyes closed. Her breaths were longer more relaxed; ‘I can’t hear that faint buzzing sound any more. It’s gone.’

  ‘The black box?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You said about Honey?’

  ‘Yes…. the taste of it. Sweet…. healing. Can I have some when I wake up please Jared?’

  ‘Yes…. of course my dear. Would you like it spread on something?’

  She opened her eyes again; ‘Your touch. That is how. You can change things that way. Because you have nature set below your human side. It is not controlling you. You command it….’

  ‘Janey. I have no idea what you are saying.’ I leaned a little closer as her voice dropped and she began to mumble in a half dreaming state; ‘I saw the sky like fire. And I saw you standing there…. You were very still. You always are when you are really finding the best thoughts to think. So fine; so brave; so strong…. I Love You…. Love…. You….’ her eyelids flickered a little then, and her lips parted. The colour had quite returned to her face, and she was altogether like the sweet girl I knew best. She pursed her lips slightly in her sleep, and then relaxed completely. Somewhere at a distance I heard voices. Human voices. She was not human. But was it so? Is the soul, or the mind that inhabits the form, that which makes us human? This one was mine. She said it. I sat very still pondering all this. And I still held her hand; and as if water flowed through my fingertips. I felt some essence flow into her. I waited until it was shallow water in my mind…. And then waited five minutes more before I gently detached myself, and went to see the others.

  We had found something quite odd. A marker that none of the five of us could work out. Marcia pointed to the screen as Davey found the place.

  ‘What do you think it is?’ she drummed a pattern on the bench. Davey was very still, as was Oliver. Oliver hadn’t said anything to me since last night. But he is watching me as the others look at the computer screen. We are in the small radio room. ‘Signal strength is up a little.’ Davey checked the figure and wrote it in the log. He glanced at me. ‘How is she now?’

  ‘Honestly?’ I hold out both hands.

  ‘Come now Jay, you need to be open with us.’ Oliver is piercing me with a look that I know means he in an unyielding state of mind. It might be best for me to calmly state the facts. He only calls me Jay when he’s got something on his mind that is about to result in either: me losing the argument; or being physically herded in the right direction. Oliver scares me sometimes; because I’ve known him for a long time, yet I know so little about him. He has enigmatic to an art form. Oliver clamps a hand on my shoulder; ‘It’s time,’ he says softly, with the lilt of music in that welsh drawl; ‘you’ve been stalling long enough.’

  ‘She’s not Janey;’ I hear myself saying, ‘but she’s not the other one either…. the one who is nasty and unpleasant.’

  ‘What is she really like?’ Davey is appraising the situation in a similar fashion, and twirling a biro between the fingers of his left hand.

  I found the nearest chair and sat down next to him. Oliver is stood over me and doesn’t seem disposed to relax otherwise until I say something else.

  ‘I think that we may have found the door way into a world that touches on some…. Elemental force.’

  ‘What makes you think that?’ Joe had just joined us from tending to Janey again.

  ‘She talked about having power over nature. About something that is transmitted by touch…. She said I saved that body.’ I looked up at Marcia, who has her lips pressed together. ‘Ahh…’ she said; and turned away from me; she whispered something to Joe, who then left the radio room.

  ‘And the rest?’ Oliver’s voice is quieter now, yet carries even more power.

  ‘She said it was for me. I think this is a warning…. I know that there has been a key word; or set of words used on all of us. But I don’t think that she can use than now. Because she doesn’t know what they are.’

  ‘What are you suggesting?’ Marcia nodded towards the info from the black box on the screen, ‘this indicates that there are indeed several breaks of transmission. It would seem to mean that a difference consciousness took over. But perhaps it is just a trick. But we can see that she has not been sleeping. And that this has been the case since before we left the outpost outside of the anomaly.’

  I stared to my right; away from them all. Davey’s gaze is fastened on the screen as if it will give back some sense of understanding about this realisation.

  I turn and stare at the screen now in silence. The last break in consciousness was at the moment I went into the medical bay: Nine fifteen. It is ten twenty now. I looked at my hands, turning them both palms upwards. There is still that trace of gold; a fine power etched off the skin of this copy. She could be tricking me. Yet she seems so sincere.

  ‘How far are we from the map reference position?’ I try to sound upbeat now.

  ‘Just over five miles.’ Oliver’s voice changed, ‘it’s a damn trap. We are just this far from totally idiocy!’ He held up a finger and thumb.

  ‘The question is: do we disassemble this copy now or not.’ Davey sounds quite cold. I look at him sharply. He says in a different tone; ‘it was never going to be an easy choice. You know that this is personal. For both of us. I’m not denying it.’

  ‘We can’t just kill her!’ I stood up suddenly, ‘she has helped us.’

  ‘Did she say who attacked her?’ Oliver asked.

  ‘Well no. she didn’t get round to that bit.’

  ‘It’s the most important bit of the story.’ Oliver is in a definitely grizzly mood at the moment.

  ‘Well then. We will just have to suffer like everyone else.’ I said.

  ‘Suffer?’

  ‘She can tell us a lot.’ I was getting worried now.

  ‘Worth more that the payment for all our team?’ Oliver is surprizing matter of fact.

  ‘I didn’t ask her. So it’s my fault. I’m sorry…’

  ‘That’s okay.’ said Marcia, ‘Joe is just taking down all the answers now. It is easy to get distracted.’

  Did I sense something other than sympathy in Marcia’s voice? She was after all supposed to be my girlfriend. It was all I could do to stop myself apologising again to Marcia, for anything that the evil twin had seemed to have done while active in this third generation body.

  ‘It is stable.’ Davey pointed at the screen, ‘as long as there is a power source.’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘Plants need sunlight.’ Oliver said so quietly it was like back ground noise.

  ‘When are we leaving?’ I asked Marcia.

  ‘This evening.’

  ‘What are you going to do about this Janey?’

  ‘Nothing. We think that in order to get rid of the copy permanently, one has to bring the physical shell to a state of emptiness.’

  ‘Okay…. I’m in need of a bit of fresh air. I think that she has a say in it too. Don’t you?’ I stomped off out of the radio room without waiting for a reply.

  On the sand I sat and let the sun warm me through. The light breeze blew my hair into my eyes. It was getting shaggy and annoying and the damper night air had made it curl into a crown of question marks. The sea was so inviting. Five miles away? It was next door. So why hadn’t they taken us all last night. Too easy?

  This was the experiment…. An observed state�
�. and an experiment that worked. Are we on the next stage? Some are naturally more compliant than others. God! That row of breakers looks so exhilarating!

  I strip down to my shorts. The breeze on my back is warmish.

  I looked round. Theirs is no one about. I just shrugged and slipped out of the shorts.

  The sea seems chilly for a moment; but then covers me in a delicious coolness. I rub my palms together as I stand in the line of breakers. That salt sea weedy smack of the glassy edge rips away any malaise from my brain. I push in to the water, holding my breath. I take myself away from the shore with some powerful strokes. There is no point in running. They know we are here. There is no point in hiding or looking for something else to shape the simple meaning of this. Alexander wants us; and for now we are to be treated like royalty. They picked off the copies. Except the one that James was keeping. I dove under the surface again. Came up and burst out in a stream of foam. The sunlight of morning is roving the water. Now it sucks onto that shingle with a musical symphony of stones and patterns.

  I can feel the blood being washed away. I regret what I said last night about the copies. There is another inside Janey’s form, but she wants to be caring, helpful even. Surely we cannot destroy this without knowing that it means we are severing a connection to the physical word for some fey creature. I burst up out of the water, shaking it out of my eyes. I am knee deep and think I might just go and sit on that little patch next to my boots; on the spread out microfiber towel.

  ‘Jared….’ In a voice only I would know, she speaks. She wasn’t there a moment ago. She is walking down the water’s edge. Her feet are bare. She is wearing Janey’s clothes; but now I can see the difference. Her hair is rich, golden and very long. Just like Janey…. The real one that is. I can see the pinkness of her coral mouth even at this spot on the shore here. I am suddenly aware of how this might look so I go and sit on my towel.

  She is standing over me casting a shadow. I squinted upwards trying to avoid any obvious expressions of embarrassment.

  ‘You always swim Naked?’ she asked me then.