The Power of Forgetting

by A M Russell

  Enough! The man held up his hand, the scene froze completely. He looked at me.

  I touched my face; there were no tears this time. But somewhere there were. Perhaps they were not mine.

  I turned back to the dusty Angel. He slowly looked up into my eyes; an odd look. He had seen what I had seen just now.

  ‘I know why.’ I said, ‘and I forgive you.’

  I little shiver travelled through the dusty Angel; its lips parted in an “Oh!” of surprize.

  It seemed to collect itself; ‘then master; I am in your debt. I will serve you. I will obey you from henceforward.’

  ‘No! I mean… that won’t be necessary. I require no payment. You are free to go.’

  ‘What?’ It seemed flustered, uncomprehending. It looked from the right to the left and then back at me: ‘free?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You are setting me free?’

  ‘You are free.’

  ‘You will not send me back to the other camp?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I can stay here?’

  ‘Yes. I suppose…. if you decide. But you must not inhabit anyone else.’

  He shuddered; ‘Not likely. It was very cramped. You are…. complicated Jared, son of Leo.’ Here he bowed to the Man, and seemed to shiver again: ‘Master?’

  I looked at the Man, who held out his hand for me to continue.

  ‘What do you chose to do?’ I asked the Dusty Angel.

  ‘I think I should like to stay and do something useful. Is that the way to put it?’ he looked at me and his face seemed younger, brighter, and his feathers were a soft grey colour that was very like a pigeon’s feathers in colour.

  ‘What colour should I wear? And what name should I bear?’

  ‘You mean you really have no name?’

  ‘No…. my master. It was lost. I need a new name. If they name me, it will be something horrid and binding.’ He glanced upwards then, ‘I want to take flight again.’ He looked to the Man, but I wasn’t quite sure if he could see the Man beside me.

  ‘You are with him. And I wish to serve him again…. will you ask him for me?’

  I turned perplexed, by this strange request, but asked none the less.

  He must perform three acts of righteousness, without seeking the wrong rewards. Then he may sit at my table again.

  I communicated this to the Dusty Angel, who nodded.

  ‘It is good…. I will delight in this path. But I still need a name.’

  Again I looked to the Man: This is not for him to earn my mercy; but to test its firmness. For the moment you forgave him, he was forgiven. But if he runs into any of his old comrades; they will not take much notice of an angel with a personal quest… they will think him…. Completely insane…and therefore leave him alone. He has a path. This will sign post the way. But you must name him.

  ‘Isn’t that your job?’

  No. I gave the naming of things to people. I just did everything else. Here he smiled; the beat of my spirit quickened with joy at this smile.

  I thought about it. About the things I had seen; then curiously about the tattoo. The colours of red and green. The heliotrope stone. The drops were Jasper. It was the “martyr’s stone” they were the representation of sacrifice. Was that too corny? But it was a good name. Earth colours which were bright and true.

  ‘Jasper.’ I said.

  ‘Yes.’ He replied straight away.

  ‘That shall be your name.’

  ‘Thank you…’ he smiled. And then seemed a little less creased. He ruffled his wings and then folded them behind his back. They melted into his back and disappeared. His clothes seemed a little old fashioned, and were of ochre and dun colours.

  ‘Very good,’ I said, ‘you may want to rethink the outfit too.’

  ‘My attire….it needs to be updated….’ He shook himself. He was then wearing a shirt and jeans. They looked suspiciously like some I had at my parent’s house.

  ‘I liked them.’ He shrugged, and added, ‘I saw them. It a copy of that form. Stealing is quite out of the question now. As I have a mission to complete. I will help you if you ask me. That is what I…. chose to do.’ He smiled then as the novel idea of having a choice was like a new toy.

  ‘Help me?’ my turn to be surprized.

  Here he bowed to me. ‘Jared Jay Vincey; son of Leo Vincey; going by the name of Arden. I salute you. And I will serve You or your kin, direct and adopted, whenever you ask. All you need to do is call my name!’

  I turned to the Man, he nodded in agreement. I looked to Jasper then: ‘very well. I will call you if I am in need of assistance. I won’t do this unless I’m really in a Jam.’

  ‘Jam?’ he looked confused.

  ‘In trouble.’

  ‘Ah! Yes. That’s it. I will go now.’ He bowed again; then lightly tapped the surface of the air in front of him. A ripple appeared. He put his hand into it to open it wider, and then stepped through. The ripple shrank down to the size of a tennis ball then popped like a

  I knew what must happen now. I had to make a choice. The Man stood by my side. He stared into my eyes. ‘Do you understand?’ he asked me. And now he was closer and more real. A friend. Just like Davey or the others. Or like Marcia. Someone who loved me…. enduringly.

  ‘I think so. I can choose to go back?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But what if I don’t do that?’

  ‘There are some things that later you will want to change. Broken hearts are one of my main concerns. I consider each case on its merits. You have to take them all into account. I consider beyond that. Lines of consequence. Thing beyond working out. To tie everything together…. everything affecting everything else. Well that is tricky!’

  ‘You do that? I mean all the time?’ I felt a little silly then.

  ‘Yes. For even in our mistakes, we can find the path to mercy.’

  ‘Jasper.’

  ‘He was already on the point of turning. But they would have ripped him to shreds if they knew. I allowed this, so that you would keep him safe, and he would decide to turn anew to me.’

  ‘But the nightmares?’

  ‘Son…. the human mind is capable of a lot of things quite without any help from the enemy. A lot if his work is deception. He wants you to believe he is stronger than he actually is. Your dreams may trouble you still. But now we are in agreement; you can always ask me to help you.’

  ‘Just like that?’

  ‘As you say…. just like that.’ He smiled again…. Seeming now so human; so familiar.

  ‘Have I seen you before?’ I asked him suddenly.

  ‘Yes. I get around a lot. I like to keep my eyes on my favourites.’

  ‘Do you mean….?’

  ‘Ah! Do not misunderstand. I have many, many favourites. No one is forgotten. Everyone matters. Do not worry. I have all the time there is. Time is like…. well chocolate. You can never really have too much of it.’

  ‘That sounds like Marcia?’

  ‘Marcia…. the girl with the big heart; short on common sense with young men. But seems to be getting there with her latest chocolate cake.’

  ‘Is chocolate cake important at a time like this?’

  ‘A time like what? All times are important. Small things most of all. Have you ever seen a corner that didn’t come to a narrow point? On such things the world turns. The big things happen in a track that the world is running on. That is why one person, can change everything.’

  ‘How?’

  He held out his hands to me then: ‘To be human is the thing we all must shine a light through. The image of all things is this one corner. This is the precious crossroads. You are here with me. Marcia is, and Janey, Oliver, David, Andrew; and every other friend. Your Father, and Mother, and your sister Karis, and your aunt Flora; and your adoptive parents Anna and John, their offspring and their families. And your friends; and all the ones you see. Eland, Aiden, Ellen…. So many; all remembered, all loved. Always…. You see me. Take my hands now J
ared. We have a journey to make; I will go with you the rest of the way.’

  *****

  Twelve

  There was no getting out of it. I saw that silvery thread. And I had to return to myself. Time moved slowly in front of us. There was no sound. We stood watching them. When I could bear it no longer, I turned to the Man: ‘Please send me back now. I’ll go. Just tell me…. will I be well again?’

  He smiled then; ‘you are well. The body is young. But the issue is the organ damage. I’ll take care of that, if you wish.’

  ‘Yes. If you can.’

  ‘I can, if you want me to. Fixing things is good.’

  ‘Then…. will you fix me?’

  ‘Gladly. But when you go back. It will take a little time; I need to blend this one in seamlessly. Too obvious and it will attract wrong attention. I will send the healing so it happens quickly. But not instantly.’

  ‘What if you didn’t do this?’

  ‘Oh, death by cardiac arrest and major organ failure; due to the administration of a cocktail of organic poisons.’

  ‘More than one?’

  ‘That is right. Your physical strength, and stubborn will, would not be overcome easily. Also the woman who did this is now gone out of that female body.’

  ‘Where is the body?’

  ‘Another has it.’

  ‘Who?’

  He just smiled: ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’m right here. Don’t forget that.’ He put both hands on my chest. I felt a tingling sensation. Then all of a sudden; he seemed to hit me hard with both fists. I fell backwards and hammered into the ground. It was the most pain I had ever felt. Every muscle locked and then went flaccid a moment later. I think I breathed in then. But I’m not sure. Pain; like an acre of land stretching out. Difficult to cross in the mud.

  Another. I heard a sound a slow electronic whine. And then like a radio being switched on and slowly turned up I heard voices.

  ‘Clear!’ Joe spoke sharply.

  The body, this body….my body jarred with the shock. The quivering heart took the beat and ran for a few cycles. I felt a hand on the chest, moving around listening, something cold.

  ‘Come on! Jared…. pick up the beat.’ Joe again.

  I heard another voice…. Hanson. ‘You have to wake up! Come on Jared! Wake up and explain to me what the hell has been going on for the last six months or so….’

  ‘I think we’ve….’ Joe is close to me, ‘yes! We got him….’

  ‘What?’ Janey this time, ‘Are you sure?’

  Something in me reacted.

  ‘It’s your sister Jared; the real one. Flesh and blood…. Come on you daft kid! Or I really will steal all your dominoes!’

  Yes. That was definitely the real Janey. She said something about a time before the test. Weird. I was swimming up through a stormy sea. I felt drops falling on my face.

  ‘We need to get him inside now.’ Davey was saying.

  ‘Get the stretcher.’ said Joe.

  I breathed in sharply. I was just underneath the line between awake and asleep. I could hear their voices but I couldn’t respond to them.

  ‘Did you see that?’ Davey said.

  ‘Yes.’ Joe said, ‘take it steady now.’

  Now the pain really started to kick in. I was sure that they were taking care of me. My sister had returned; and mysteriously Hanson too. Also, Janey and him appeared to be behaving around each other again. I had craved that peace, a cessation of hostilities. So then, as Joe put a tablet under my tongue I forced my eyes open for a moment. I hadn’t heard Marcia’s voice. But I saw her. She was deathly pale and looked completely exhausted. She had hardly slept in two days. And this was just too much. Hanson swam into view then. He put his arm around her. ‘Come on. You need to rest Annie, he will need you looking pretty when he wakes up, don’t you think?’ my eyes shut again then. I marvelled at this new development. Andrew being, well…. really kind. But then again, maybe he had been into his own private hell as well. Maybe that had reformed him somewhat. He must have been at the lab out here, when I met the copy at his office. My thoughts disintegrated after that; and then the velvet silence rolled over again.

  I heard voices and woke up for a few seconds. I moved my hand to my mouth. It was covered with the mouth piece. Easing my breathing. I could smell a faint whiff of cooking. Joe was looking down at me. I blinked twice, then closed my eyes again. I guessed rightly that Joe had whacked me full of morphine, or something akin. Every part of my body was stiff and unresponsive; yet pain seemed to be far away.

  ‘Jared…. Let me look at you?’ Joe got my attention; I could feel some tugging on the right arm. My eyes were open. There was a drip going in on the right. I think I was laid on a very soft surface. That, or I am totally tripping. It is daylight.

  ‘Hello Chief.’ Joe carries on with his changing over of the drip. I have a funny thought. When was the last time I went to the loo? Joe wrinkles his nose; ‘I’ll take it out; when you want me to.’ I don’t know what he means.

  A little while later, I am mysteriously sat up. I flex my hands and fingers. Joe decides to give me some water. He brings the cup to my lips. It tastes disgusting. Perhaps it is the taste in my mouth. I haven’t said a word yet to anyone. And I struggle with the concept forming in my mind at this moment. Where are the tea bags? At that moment Hanson comes into the medical bay. He says something to Joe, who takes the small case and disappears for a few minutes. Hanson just sits with me. He makes no attempt to have a conversation. What could we say? Hello; how are you; what happened to you? Are you mad? Are you sane? Are we actually going to get along now? Hanson is watching me carefully. He will report back to Joe even the slightest change in my observable response.

  It's not that we ever actually fell out. I just learned to despise him, as he took what I had always wanted. I’m too weak for either him or me to start an argument at the moment. Not that we ever actually argued…. he just; took over. He hands me the cup of squash. It is the only thing I crave apart from tea; and Joe said I will have to get some of the stiffness out of my upper body first.

  ‘Here…. I’ll take it then.’ Hanson regards me solemnly for a moment. I’m in danger of spilling it. But I am thirsty. He stares at me, as if waiting for instructions; then rather hesitantly offers me the cup again. I nod and he keeps hold of it so I don’t drop it; then puts it rather too carefully down on the small bench. Suddenly I know what is coming. He wants something. But my price is information. I am going to get what I want his time. Clearly I was right; a moment after that he asks me if I’ve seen Lorraine.

  I shake my head. He looks down at the floor. I remember this too. But for now I can’t be drawn. I’ve seen it work on girls too. He acts like an idiot and they fall for it. But then Hanson’s easy confidence and choice of rugged outdoorsy sweater and boots make some girls go weak with intense idiocy.

  ‘I have to find out what happened to Lorraine.’ He said at last. The cogs in my head are moving rather slowly at this point. It takes me several minutes to work out what he is talking about.

  My mouth forms an “O” and I sigh with realisation. Hanson wants to find Lorraine because he wants her. Does he Love her? It occurs to me that I might get a straight answer this time; I’m the one with the NDE. I’m waiting for them to start asking questions. Joe is really pleased with me. It’s nearly five in the afternoon; and already I’m on the mend. Joe can’t quite believe it. I have nothing to compare my state of being to that is normal…. Everything is strange so normal is just what is happening now. I have flashes of remembrance.

  I looked clearly at Andrew then; is he for real? As if divining my thought, he pulls up his left sleeve to reveal a small scratch on the flesh of the inner arm.

  'Davey tested us not long after we got back. We are not copies.' he pushes the sleeve back down. And his eyes flicker with doubt. There is something he isn't telling me. But I can read him quite well and excepting the thing in the past with Lorrain
e; I can always guess what is happening.

  He is looking at me directly again. It is an expression that begs you to ask him what the trouble is; it's a good job I cannot speak. I moisten my lips with my tongue. He lifts the cup back to my mouth. He wants me to talk to him. I find myself taking pity on him. And the image of his self-possession in administering the antidote that helped saved my life, gives me a whole new perspective on this man; my once friend. When friends were simply those you happened to be thrown together with. Of course he doesn’t know what I saw. Will I ever tell? One step at a time.

  'I am supposed to meet Lorraine the day after tomorrow. I can lead us to where she will be. She is on our side Jay. It’s hard to explain; but you might have to take my word for it.’

  Of course I would do nothing of the sort. Hanson has been extremely foolish in letting them duplicate him, I suspect, more than once. As for Lorraine? Well we would have to go back quite a way to unravel that little drama.

  She had been my girlfriend; and I was quite madly in love with her, or so I thought. But Lorraine was the kind of girl who cannot settle on one thing; a bit like a kid in a sweet shop. She craved the pick and mix style of dating. Exclusivity was not to her liking; unfortunately. And in this Hanson was another of her sweet distractions. I could never be quite sure if Hanson knew that she was still with me when he started seeing her. She had always been so sweet and attractive; enough to destroy the reason of the average Male getting into close proximity.

  Hanson is looking towards the entrance to the medical bay. I’m thinking of tea again. Strong tea. I want to consume a gallon of the stuff.