If You're Willing

by Ivy Symone

_____

  After Cassie was able to confront Colette about keeping Charles away from her, they had a big blowout. There was tension between them. She had given Colette three days to get out. It was the third day and Colette hadn’t packed one bag.

  “Letty,” Cassie said patiently. She remained calm. She wasn’t really in the mood for a bunch of yelling and cussing. She was tired, her head hurt, irritated, and the little bumps on her chest were hurting. Her period was right around the corner. “How come you haven’t got your stuff together?”

  Colette lay across the bed in a dismal state. She looked up at Cassie. “Look baby, I know you don’t like me. But I honestly don’t have anywhere to go. On top of that, I just found out I’m pregnant.”

  Cassie almost fainted. “You’re what?”

  “I’m pregnant. I’m fucking forty-five years old. I don’t need no babies.”

  “Then why didn’t you do all that you could do to prevent it?” Cassie asked angrily. “This is so fucked up Letty.”

  “I know. I ain’t gonna keep it. But let me stay here just a little while longer. I’ma have to get this abortion and I don’t wanna be moving around from house to house.”

  “Why don’t you get your shit together?” Cassie said angrily. “Stop acting like you’re nineteen. Get a job. Fix your credit. Buy a house. You’re a grandmother to two kids. You ain’t never done a damn thing that a grandmother would do. You’re nothing like your mama. And I swear to God, I hope I’m nothing like you.”

  She mocked Cassie with laughter. “The only difference between me and you is you ain’t got no goddamn kids.”

  “I’m not a whore,” Cassie corrected.

  “Aren’t you the one that was fucking that woman’s husband? Or what about that older man that used to give you money for fucking him? And don’t think I don’t know about you going down to that lil raunchy sex club. How many dicks did you fuck down there?”

  Cassie was incensed.

  “You can’t get mad Cassie,” Colette taunted with a grin. “You’re just like your mama. Accept it and embrace it.”

  “I ain’t embracing shit!” Cassie hissed. She hurried to her room and slammed the door. Why was she letting Colette’s words get to her? Were they true? Was she any better than Colette?

  She desperately needed her maestro back in her life. The mention of the sex club made her miss him. But that last encounter had been the end of them. Shit! Why did she ruin that? And why didn’t she tell Eli how she felt when she had the chance?

  _____

  It was within the second week since Eli had been gone. She was finally adjusting to the fact that he wouldn’t be coming back any time soon. He still hadn’t bother to call her. She got the message loud and clear. He didn’t think of her in the same way. His feelings stopped at the surface. Hers went beyond the surface. Or maybe she was obsessed with liking him she felt like he should like her back with just as much zeal.

  “What are you over there doing?” Tanya asked.

  Cassie was counting weeks and days on the calendar. She was confused. Although she had an irregular regular menstrual cycle, she always knew when to expect it. She referred to it as irregular regular because it didn’t come in a cycle of every thirty days like normal women. It alternated in a pattern. According to her calculations, she should have had one by the middle of May. It was the middle of June. At first she didn’t think anything of it because she thought it was doing one of those adjustments to get on a different cycle. All of the premenstrual signs were there. And her breasts were so tender, but no cycle.

  Cassie turned to Tanya spooked.

  “What is it?” Tanya asked with concern.

  “Tanya, I think I’m pregnant,” she yelled in a hushed whisper.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I ain’t had no period in forever,” she said.

  “What’s forever? Maybe it’s just running behind.”

  “Forever is April tenth. It should have been here.”

  “And your ass just now paying attention and counting up days and shit?” Tanya asked.

  “It didn’t dawn on me until I really became aware of how hot and painful my titties are.”

  “Oh bitch, you is pregnant. Who’s the daddy?” Tanya asked.

  Shit! She hadn’t even thought about that either. Was she being punished? This couldn’t be happening. She leaned forward on her desk, arms propped up and her forehead resting in the palm of her hands.

  “You don’t know, do you?” Tanya asked. She seemed to sympathize with her.

  Cassie looked at her with worried eyes. Yes, she knew, but she wasn’t going to tell Tanya who it was just yet. “Don’t you know Letty told me she was pregnant last week? We can’t be pregnant at the same time!”

  “Well, before you panic,” Tanya started. “Let’s make sure you are and then we’ll go from there.”

  “What’s gonna happen to me?” Cassie cried.

  “Cassie, stop being so stupid. Ain’t shit gon’ happen to you except in nine months you gon be pushing a big headed baby out your pussy. Now get it together. You want me to call Jazz up here?”

  “No, don’t bother her. I might not even keep it,” she said.

  “What do you mean? You’re gonna get an abortion? Cassie, don’t do that. Aren’t you the one that’s always complaining that you don’t have a baby yet?”

  “Yeah, but I was hoping a husband came along with it,” she said. Tears began to spill over her lids. “My life is just stupid. One minute I think I’m on the right track and I can handle whatever comes my way. And then the next minute, I hate everybody and everything. And nothing goes right. And people show up out of nowhere, and people disappear. And I got a stupid pregnant forty-five year old mama that’s homeless in my apartment.”

  Tanya rubbed her back. “You’re already hormonal. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off and get it together. I’ll tell Gio you didn’t feel well.”

  Feeling weighted with doom, Cassie retrieved her purse from the cabinet drawer.

  Tanya said, “Make sure you stop at the store and get you a pregnancy test.”

  This wasn’t supposed to be a depressing moment of her life. She was supposed to be happy about her pregnancy. There was nothing happy about it in the moment.

  It took Cassie ten minutes to convince herself to go into the drug store to buy a test. She didn’t want to have to face what she already knew. After getting an associate to open the case for a pregnancy test, she perused the candy aisle. She was in the mood for some sour candy.

  “I thought I seen you.”

  She looked up and rolled her eyes. Why did he always find her?

  “I think you’re stalking me,” she said.

  Sean smiled down at her. “It seems that way.”

  He looked down at the items in her hand. She flushed with embarrassment and hid the pregnancy test behind her back.

  “So why haven’t you called me?” Sean asked.

  “Excuse me? What am I calling you for exactly?”

  “I thought you would have called me to see if I was okay. And maybe some other things.”

  “Why are you fucking with me? Why are you still showing your face around us? Just to get under everybody’s skin? And what other things? Boy, if you don’t go on away from me.”

  “After all that went down I’m still a little salty. If I can aggravate the hell out of ya’ll I will.”

  “At least you admitted it,” she said.

  “I still can’t stand Jah’s ass.”

  “Sean, you need to let that go. Everybody has moved on. Jah and Jazz are happy with two beautiful babies. They ain’t thinking about you.”

  He gestured towards the box behind her back. “Speaking of babies…You think you got one in the oven?”

  “None of your business,” she said smartly.

  “Whose is it Cassie?” he asked.

  “Don’t worry about it,” she said trying to walk away.

  “You don’t think the father should know?”
he called out to her.

  Forgetting her candy, she turned around and plucked up a bag of sour Air Heads Extremes, sour Gummi Worms, and Lemonheads. She looked at Sean still standing there. “Leave me alone.”

  “What about them other things? When will you come back to the club?”

  Cassie walked away giving him the finger over her shoulder.

  When she got home, Colette was asleep. She tried to be quiet so she wouldn’t wake her. The last thing she wanted to deal with that day was Colette teasing her about them being pregnant at the same time.

  As soon as Cassie got comfortable, she went to the bathroom. She stood there reading the instructions for ten minutes. She had never taken one of these things before. It couldn’t be that hard to do.

  Doing as instructed, Cassie used the restroom then placed the test on the edge of the tub. She didn’t look at it as she completed her business and washed her hands. In the mirror, she glanced at the reflection of the test sitting peacefully. She turned around and swiped it up, but still hesitated to look at it.

  She looked at the results in the tiny window display. She referred back to the instructions again. She placed the test on the vanity. She went to her bed in a daze and sat down. She was torn. It was something she always wanted, but she wasn’t sure she was ready.

  She picked up the phone and placed a call.

  “Hello?” Tanya answered.

  “It’s two lines.”

  There was silence.

  Tanya finally asked, “So what are you gonna do?”

  “I guess go to a doctor so I can start prenatal care.”

  “Yay!” Tanya cheered. “Can I tell Jazz? She’s gonna be too excited.”

  Cassie smiled nervously. “I guess.”

  They ended the call. She looked at her phone and waited. As expected it rung. “What Jazz?”

  Jazmin shrieked in the phone. “Can I be God-mommy? Tanya is God-mommy to everybody’s child. Pick me!”

  Cassie smiled, happy that she had two friends that loved her so much.

  _____

  Her first appointment had her on edge. She didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know what to ask. Her leg bounced uncontrollably until she was called to the back. She provided her urine, they took her weight, and got the rest of her vital signs. She was then placed in an exam room and instructed to remove her clothes.

  It seemed like forever before the doctor came in. She looked up into his sparkling blue eyes that smiled when he smiled.

  “My name is Dr. Bradshaw and you Ms. Daniels are definitely pregnant.”

  There was a sense of joy that made her have to blink back tears. It was official since the doctor’s office confirmed it.

  After talking and explaining some things, he gave her a physical exam which was so uncomfortable for her. He was puzzled because of the information she provided about her cycle; it didn’t necessarily match the results of the physical exam. He referred her to get an ultrasound so he could have an exact gestational age and due date.

  That didn’t make her feel all that great. But she made her way to the check-out window and waited on the lady to schedule her next appointment and to set up her ultrasound appointment. As she waited, a couple walked into the office laughing and holding hands. They seemed happy and she longed for that. She wished she had the father to accompany her to her appointments.

  As the girl stood at the check in window, the guy stood close behind her with his hand at the small of her back. He seemed very protective of her. She didn’t look very pregnant but Cassie noticed she signed in on the clipboard for prenatal visits.

  When they walked away, the lady at the check-in called out, “Oh…Mrs. Masters…you forgot your insurance cards.”

  When Cassie heard what the lady called her, she made sure to get a better look at the girl. How did she miss that? She was looking at Kris and her lover, Brother Yosef.

  Shame on it all, Cassie thought. She was sure Kris was using insurance that Eli provided for her to get care for a baby that wasn’t his…again.

  Chapter 17

  Two weeks—fifteen days to be exact—had been enough time to clear his head. Although he told everyone he might not come back, he couldn’t wait to get home. Italy had been great and the kids enjoyed it. He even spent time with Cosimos getting to know him. And perhaps later, when the kids were older, he would consider moving there permanently, but not now.

  Eli found it very weird and almost funny that when he and the kids got to the house, Kris was there waiting for them.

  Avani was happy to see her. She ran over to her, “Mommy!”

  Eli looked at Bria and Bryce, “ Take your things to your rooms.” He neared Kris with suspicion and caution.

  “Why are you here?” he asked.

  Kris gave Avani one last hug and then put her down. “Give mommy and daddy a second okay?”

  “Okay,” Avani said. She ran to the stairs and stomped up them.

  Kris turned to Eli with an unsure smile. “Hey.”

  “Don’t hey me. Why are you here?”

  “I wanted to talk. I had no idea you had left. I called Sarah and she told me where ya’ll were at. Was it a nice trip?”

  Now he wished he stayed in Italy. “It was nice. What do you want?”

  Apprehension etched across her face. Carefully she said, “I think I made a mistake.”

  “Made a mistake about what?”

  “This…us.”

  “Oh really?” he said with sarcasm.

  “C’mon Eli,” she said. “I knew you weren’t going to make this easy for me. And I probably deserve it.”

  “Probably?” Eli thought she must be crazy.

  “I messed up,” she said apologetically. “I messed up and I want to stop the divorce.”

  He shook his head dismissing the notion. He began walking past her toward the kitchen.

  Kris followed behind him. “Will you hear me out?”

  “No.” He was firm in his reply. He glanced at her hand and noticed she had placed her wedding ring back on. He asked, “Who told you to go in my bedroom and get that?”

  “It’s mine, isn’t it?”

  “No, not after you took it off and placed it on that table as a dramatic goodbye exit. But I don’t care. You can keep it. It ain’t like I would give it to the next woman anyway.”

  She smiled softly. “Well, there shouldn’t be a next woman.”

  Eli was annoyed. “This isn’t how I expected my first day back home to go. Why now Kris? When I tried to talk to you about us, wanting to fix us…you refused to.”

  “I know. And Eli, I’m sorry. I messed up. I just wanna come back home. Me and Elijah.”

  That made him cringe. “Ain’t he with his daddy?”

  “No.”

  “Well, where is he?”

  “I’m saying you’re his daddy.”

  Eli released a frustrated breath. “Don’t do this Kris. Don’t do this to me. I went to Italy to clear my mind and now here you come fucking with it again. I was really hurt behind what you did. And it wasn’t because Elijah wasn’t my son. I could have dealt with that. That lil nigga got my last name. It was how you went about it. And you were willing to abandon Avani for some slick talking, ol’ skinny incense-burning, Sahara-desert-sand-kicking sandals wearing nigga.”

  Kris lowered her eyes with dejection. “How many times can I say I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “I know you weren’t. But I couldn’t wait around for your brain to start working. I got to move on.”

  “With someone else?” she asked.

  “No. I’m talking about dealing with the feelings you left me with. I couldn’t just wallow in them and be depressed. And now that I’m at a point of acceptance, here you come with this shit.”

  “Eli, all I know is…that when I left, I realized I missed ya’ll. I missed you, even the fights. I missed Bria’s smart mouth. I missed Avani’s affection. I missed Bryce’s silliness. I missed our home. I missed my family.” Tears came to h
er eyes as she walked upon him. “Please forgive me and give us another chance.”

  He didn’t know what he should do. He didn’t prepare for her wanting to come back. Did he want Kris back? Did he want his complete family? What would happen if she got brainwashed again?

  “I love you Eli,” Kris spoke softly. Her arms circled around him and she placed her head against his chest. “I miss you so much.”

  He hated to even acknowledge his feelings, but it wasn’t that he missed her. In fact, he didn’t miss her at all, but he did care about her wellbeing. He finally admitted to himself that his feelings for Kris were not in a way that a man should love his wife. Nonetheless, he felt a need to console her.

  She lifted her head from his chest and smiled. “Can we make love?”

  It had been a few weeks for him, so he wasn’t exactly pressed. Besides the idea of her being with Yosef turned him off.

  “Can we just see how things play out?” he asked.

  Disappointment covered her face. “I was looking forward to being with my husband.”

  Eli countered, “Just like all of those nights I was looking forward to being with my wife.”

  “If we are going to work on fixing things you can’t say little things like that,” Kris said.

  “Okay Kris,” he said flippantly.

  She moved out of his hold and took him by the hand. “Will you at least let me try to change your mind?”

  “You can try,” he said. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something seemed off about her behavior. He didn’t trust it, but he would go along with it for now.

  _____

  Cassie went into work late because of her ultrasound appointment. It was much too soon to detect the sex of the baby, but she seen it. It was a bean/cashew-shaped mass in the corner of her uterus all by its lonesome. It made it even more real to see what was actually growing in her womb. She was already in love with her baby. She was determined to be a better mother than Colette had ever been.

  Seeing her baby, started her morning off just right. She didn’t care about anything else except making sure she was mentally prepared for a baby. Damn a man! He would probably be more of a headache anyway.