Those Mid-Life Blues

by Caroline Campbell

  Joan looked into his eyes. ‘What changed you?’

  ‘You did.’

  Joan was not prepared for that answer.

  ‘You seem surprised?’

  He expected her to laugh but she looked away for a moment, shuffled her chair then blurted out, ‘If this is your last ditch attempt at wooing me into bed, it just won’t work.’

  ‘Joan, what is it with you? I’m being serious, very serious. This isn’t a joke. You help me, you listen to me Joan. You make me feel special, you’re the only woman I can be myself with and I can be totally honest with, like I’m being now.’ For a moment there was silence. ‘Joan talk to me, say something.’

  But she was too busy looking at her watch and playing with her hair. ‘Is that the time,’ she said, ‘we really should be going.’

  ‘Joan, its 8.45 pm, its early!’

  ‘I know that's what I’m worried about.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Joan, can I see you next week?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s such a good idea, do you?’

  ‘Why not, we’re friends aren’t we, that’s what you keep telling me.’

  ‘I’ll think about it.’ You think hard, you think real hard, thought Martin as he took out his Visa card to pay the bill.

  It wasn’t long before they arrived outside his apartment block. Very few words were exchanged and Martin worried that he may have said too much too soon. Maybe he scared her, only that was never his intention – on the contrary, for the first time in his life he was falling for someone in a big way.

  He closed the car door and said goodbye. She waved at him when he reached to the entrance of the apartment block but as she was about to drive off she remembered there was something important she needed to tell him. She turned the engine off, quickly got out the car, ran into the building and there he was waiting for the lift.

  ‘Martin … Martin.’ She was slightly flustered but tried not to show it.

  ‘Joan.’ Martin turned around to see her walking towards him. Was this the big moment he dreamt of, when she’d tell him she wanted him and confess her undying love? Isn’t that what happens in the movies? He hoped, and then came the anti-climax.

  ‘Martin, I forgot to tell you. I’m going to St Lucia in two weeks.’

  ‘You are?’ His heart was racing.

  ‘My grandmothers not very well so I’m going out there.’

  ‘Gosh, I hope she’ll be alright.’ His mind was in a frenzied state. He didn’t care about her grandmother, he just wanted to know how long she’d be away and he had to play it cool. ‘So how long will you be gone?’

  ‘Ten days.’

  Martin took a deep breath. ‘That’s a long time Joan.’

  ‘I’ll send you a postcard. Listen, Martin, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go out with you before I go – you know, what with work and sorting everything out for the trip and it probably isn’t such a good idea.’

  ‘I understand. Well, stay away from all those hunky men out there.’

  ‘I will and I’ll call you when I get back.’

  ‘Please do.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Take care of yourself Joan.’

  ‘You too, take care of yourself and when I get back from St Lucia, I’ll be hosting our annual church festival. I’d really like you to be there.’

  He looked at her in dismay.

  ‘You will come, won’t you?’

  ‘I’ll come if you want me to.’

  ‘That’s why I’m asking you, silly, you’ll enjoy it and they’ll be plenty of good food - Caribbean style.’

  ‘Well, how can I say no to that?’

  ‘I’ll call you.’

  ‘OK, anyway you have a safe journey and don’t forget, stay away from all those hunky men.’

  ‘I will, and I’ll see you soon.’ He watched her as she got back in her car and drove away, but she didn’t see the kiss that he blew her.

  He lay in bed, tossing and turning with his head still spinning wondering how he’d cope with her being gone and what if she fell in love with some great-looking guy, a Denzel Washington wannabe, and supposing this wannabe was a Christian, surely that would blow his chances right out the window.

  Joan lay awake in bed for hours thinking about Martin and wondered whether he was actually trying his best to tempt her and woo her into bed. Tonight he told her how he’d changed since he met her and that he’d been able to be himself with her. That statement was heartfelt and touched her spirit so much that she wanted to tell him how much she cared for him too and yet she knew she couldn’t get too close to him; it could prove fatal.

  At the same time Martin was pondering over the situation he found himself in. Here he was, falling in love with the untouchable, Joan Anderson. Maybe he could be a Christian, after all he believed in God. He agreed with the principles of the Bible. The laws of the land were based around the Ten Commandments: Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and so on. Sure enough, if rules weren’t kept, it created problems but if he became a Christian, he’d need to do so for all the right reasons, not because he’d be in with a chance to woo Joan. She hadn’t pressured him about church or God but he knew enough to realise how much her faith meant to her. He tried to picture himself singing with the two hundred or so, singing, all clapping congregation. He imagined being one of few white individuals sitting in a predominantly black-led Pentecostal Church and the thought was scary to say the least.

  Eventually he fell asleep. He didn’t dream his usual dream where he had his head buried in her large bosoms. No, this time he dreamt he was floating on air and right there next to him was Joan.

  For the first time in his life, Martin Truman, bachelor extraordinaire was in love.

  Chapter 5- What next?

  ‘If you want me, come and get me now

  ‘Boom, boom, boom, boom.’

  There was Raymond in the kitchen, dancing away with his MP3 player to hand, singing at the top of his voice; doing some kind of weird dance when Tony yanked at his headphones.

  ‘Dad, I was listening to that.’

  ‘I gather you were, son, but you sound awful.’ Raymond put his headphones back on and bopped out of the kitchen.

  Christine was sitting at the table reading: How to Learn French in a Week. She was the younger version of her mother, olive skin, long dark brown hair swept to the side and very petite, though in many ways her temperament was that of her father’s. She was laid back, fun-loving and adventurous.

  Tony sat at the kitchen table and reflected on his years as a father. He watched his daughter as she turned each page and repeated words she was now familiar with. The years had flown by so quickly and now, no longer a child but a woman she knew in her heart, she’d always be his little girl and he would always protect her as much as he could from the harsh cruel world out there; especially from the media. It was a miracle, the press hadn’t got wind of Raymond’s last escapade when he was brought home drunk by some strangers who happened to find him in a sleazy nightclub in London.

  ‘That was great,’ panted Mary as she walked in from her ten mile a day marathon. She stood by the kitchen door for a moment until she got her breath back and wiped the sweat from forehead. ‘Good morning, sweet pea.’

  Tony walked over to her and kissed her gently on her soft lips. ‘Have I ever told you that you’re beautiful?’ ‘Yes you have.’ she answered.

  ‘Can I tell you, you’re beautiful again?’

  ‘Yes, you can honey.’

  ‘You’re beautiful, Mary, and I love you.’

  ‘I love you too, Tony.’ He kissed her forehead and walked over to the table, pulled out a chair and sat down to read his newspaper. He smiled at Christine and she stretched her hand out to hold his.

  ‘Mum, Dad, I’m glad you’re both here, I need to tell you something.’

  ‘Christine, this sounds serious.’ The pulse in Tony’s neck started throbbing. Th
ese days it didn’t take much to set him on edge.

  ‘Well, it is serious, Dad, I’ve been struggling with this for some time now and it’s eating away at me. So much so that I literally feel sick thinking about it but I know I’m making the right decision.’

  Mary walked over to her daughter and stroked her hair, then she took a seat beside Tony.

  ‘OK, honey bun, Daddy and Mummy are listening and there’s no need to be afraid,’ said Mary. Tony’s stomach was turning. He thought the worst – maybe that loser she was dating had managed to knock her up, get her pregnant.

  ‘Mum … Dad … I’m going to….’

  Tony didn’t give her a chance to finish her sentence before he interjected.

  ‘Just as I expected,’ said Tony. ‘I’m going to kill him. My God, you’re pregnant. I knew it, oh my good God, Mary. My baby’s pregnant.’ He turned to Mary. ‘Did you hear that, Mary? She’s pregnant. Our baby is having a baby for crying out loud, Jesus help me.’

  ‘Darling, that’s not what Christine said, now calm down.’ Mary turned to her daughter. ‘Excuse your dad. You know how he is at times.’

  ‘Dad, I’m not having a baby, I was trying to tell both of you, I’m moving out next week.’

  ‘That’s fine, honey.’ Mary’s eyes filled up with tears.

  ‘Mum, don’t cry, please don’t cry.’ Tony was stunned. He hadn’t expected this but it was better than her being pregnant. She was his little girl. She’d grown up in this house. He assumed she was happy and besides, she was definitely too young to leave home. OK, so every family had their moments but this was home and now he felt helpless as he watched Mary cry.

  ‘Dad … Mum. I don’t mean to hurt you both but we love each other.’

  Tony raised his voice. ‘Christine, you barely know Tom and you’re too young.’

  ‘Dad, you barely knew mum but you were married at 20.’

  ‘That’s different.’ Mary turned to Tony and gently touched his arm.

  ‘Tony, it’s not different, it really isn’t. It’s only different because it’s our little girl and does anyone have a tissue?’

  Christine pulled a handful of tissues from her jacket pocket and handed them to her mother.

  ‘Do you see what you’ve done Christine, you’ve upset your mother.’

  ‘I’m not upset Tony, I’m going to miss our daughter, that’s why I’m crying, I’m going to miss you, Chrissie.’ Her eyes filled up with tears again.

  ‘I’ll miss you both mum.’

  ‘So where will you live?’ asked Tony.

  ‘Tom’s bought a flat in Forest Gate.’

  ‘Where on earth is Forest Gate?’

  ‘It’s in the East End of London.’ She answered. Tony rubbed his bald patch, a sure sign that he was musing over the whole situation.

  ‘East End of London. I see, so when exactly do you leave?’

  ‘In two weeks or so, if that’s OK with you guys.’

  ‘And how will you manage for money?’

  ‘Tony.’ Mary pulled on his sleeve.

  ‘No, Mary, if she’s going to move in with that boy, I want to know. What will they do for money?’

  ‘Tom’s got this band going and I’m going to be the lead singer – oh and Tom’s called the band Sensations Rock. Isn’t that the coolest thing, Dad?’

  ‘Well, darling,’ Mary rubbed her daughter’s back.

  ‘Isn’t that the coolest thing,’ mimicked Tony. ‘Are you out of your mind or have you been smoking pot? I’ve heard it all. What is it with this family? Have I been jinxed or did I do something wrong. Mary, am I even awake or is this all a bad dream?’

  ‘Dad, take it easy, it’s not like I won’t visit.’

  ‘That’s nice of you. We love you too but what about your education?’

  ‘Mum, Dad, I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you and I know it’s come as a shock but trust me, I know what I’m doing. I love you guys I really do and no doubt given time, you’ll understand but I love Tom too.’

  Christine kissed her mum on the forehead and stroked her dad’s face.

  ‘I love you both.’ And then it was like a scene in a Clint Eastwood film where he ups and leaves. Christine bows her head and then leaves the room, leaving a trail of anguish behind.

  There was silence for the next ten minutes. Mary contemplated having a shower but then decided it could wait until later. First she’d prepare breakfast for Tony.

  Tony sat down and poured himself a cup of coffee. Clearly both of them were in shock and for the next few moments it was as though the conversation with their daughter hadn’t taken place.

  ‘Would you like breakfast, honey?’ Tony didn’t respond and so she repeated the question. ‘Tony, darling, would you like breakfast?’

  ‘Um, no thank you.’

  ‘I’m making your favourite, bacon, eggs, fried bread, sausages.’

  ‘No thanks, I don’t feel hungry.’

  ‘OK, how about a cup of Earl Grey?’

  ‘No thank you.’ And there staring them in the face was the reality of what had just taken place.

  ‘Tony, don’t you shut down on me now. I know you feel a little low, but it’ll work out. I know it will, we’ll work through this together but right now we’ve got to support her.’

  ‘I can’t support her. I’m probably the reason why she wants to go.’

  ‘Now you know that’s not true.’

  ‘I’ve failed her Mary.’

  ‘Now you listen to me, you’ve been a wonderful father and the best husband. This has nothing to do with you. She’s in love and that’s all she can see at the moment. It hurts me to see her go but this was going to happen one day. It came around sooner than we expected, that’s all, and here you are.’ Mary handed him a small plate of toast. ‘Eat your breakfast.’

  ‘When she was little I promised her that I’d take care of her Mary.’

  ‘Tony you’ll always be her father. Let her go with our blessing, she needs to know we’ll support her.’

  ‘Come on Mary, she’s moving in with an idiot and he’s created a band called “Sensations Rock” for goodness sake, give me a break.’

  ‘Well, my dad told me you were an idiot; he thought interior design was a woman’s domain but he gave you a chance.’ Tony smiled and thought about it for a moment. ‘You’re absolutely right Mary. I’ve got to show her how much I love her and support her, even if I think the guy’s a jackass, but I swear to you, Mary, if he so much as hurts her I’ll kick his butt all over East London.’

  He was conscious of the time and as he glanced up at the clock, which took pride of place over the breakfast bar. It was 11.00 am and there was a fair distance to travel if he wanted to see Tara.

  ‘My appointment with the counsellor is today.’

  ‘I know honey.’

  ‘I don’t want to go Mary.’

  ‘I’ll come with you, it won’t take me long to get ready.’

  ‘No, Mary, I’ll be fine.’

  ‘But Tony-’

  ‘Please understand, we’ve been through this before.’

  Mary felt helpless but she understood. It had been a difficult couple of months for them both. Most mornings, while they lay in bed and held each other, it had been satisfying in many ways but there was no penetration and increasingly Tony felt like a failure.

  Unknown to him, she’d bought several books on the male menopause and she was overwhelmed by an extract she had read from How to Recognise the Signs of the Male Menopause:

  Sometimes men who go through the male menopause suffer from depression, coupled with the inability to have an erection or maintain an erection. This is based on several factors including stress, depression, insecurity and what is commonly termed as a: ‘mid-life crisis.’

  The list was endless. She hid the books from him so as not to cloud his mind into a frenzy of thoughts that might be more damaging than beneficial until she had read them for herself. He talked about counselling and how she’d feel if he was counselled by Tara. Sh
e was fine with it – actually she was only too relieved. If, after his first session with Tara he wanted to read up on it, the books would be there. But for now, it was helping her to understand her husband’s moods. It took her by surprise that men actually experienced the menopause, although the book stated there were medical scholars who were sceptical as to its existence.

  She knew there was a problem, a problem over which she and Tony had no control. It was frustrating and she couldn’t deny the effects it was having on their marriage. On the surface things seemed as they were before but beneath the surface he was broken and now Christine was leaving. She worried that Christine leaving could catapult him into another height of depression.

  She kissed him softly on the mouth. ‘I love you Tony.’

  ‘I love you too.’ And he left the room without saying another word. Mary understood it was difficult, but she also understood, he needed his space.

  By the time Tony drove into London, it was already two o'clock and he was late for his appointment with Tara. He pulled into a tight space, in between a Mercedes and a Benz then he looked up at the building that awaited his presence, inside Tara’s office. This was a very nerve-racking time for him and he questioned why he was here. It was an old style Victorian building, at least three or four storeys high.

  The plaque at the front of the building read, ‘Johnson & Henry, Therapist and Counsellor’. He wondered if the media were spying on him in the distance: it was possible – actually anything was possible especially with the shenanigans of the press.

  Two couples came out of the building, hand in hand and a young lady with a child who looked to be ten years old. Various other bodies also left the building but he was intrigued by a conversation he overheard between a man and his girlfriend. They spoke in a whisper but Tony heard enough to learn that the man was experiencing erectile dysfunction.

  Not knowing whether or not to feel relieved that someone else was experiencing something similar, he resigned himself to the fact that he was worrying too much. The whole thing would probably blow over in a week or so. A consoling thought came to mind; more fondling, more caressing, less anxiety and maybe try some Viagra. That would do the trick but in a quick panic he turned the engine on; he was leaving, never to return. He checked his mirrors and was about to pull out when there was a loud knock on his window. He was startled. A young lady with long dark brown hair appeared. Her curly bangs fell into her face but she swept it back behind her ears.