A Boy's Christmas Wish

by Patricia Johns

  “He’s safe,” Beth said softly. “I told him that it was really serious to leave the school grounds, so I tried to back you up.”

  He appreciated that more than she probably knew. It was difficult to be the only voice of discipline and caution in Luke’s life. He didn’t ever get to be the fun parent. He was the only parent—the disciplinarian, the homework checker, the emotion coach, the healthy cook... There wasn’t time to be the fun one, and there were times—like this one—when he was so exhausted from it all he could just about cry.

  Beth turned to Luke. “See you later, Luke. I’m heading home now.”

  “’Bye, Beth.”

  Why was it that Luke could sound like a perfect angel when he wanted to, complete with manners and sweet voice, but he was capable of such deception? And how on earth had he gotten past all those teachers?

  Dan opened the door for Beth as she stepped past him, and she glanced up, those blue eyes meeting his. He felt that familiar pang of regret. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a partner—someone to share the burden of discipline and worry? He’d wanted Beth to be that person for him, and soon enough she’d understand the weight of single-parent responsibilities. There was nothing easy about this, and no one else to lean on.

  He shut the door once she was down the stairs and watched through the window as she headed down the street. She rubbed a hand along her belly, and for a moment, he felt a wave of worry.

  Was she okay? Did he have a right to worry about her when his son needed his attention, too?

  Dan turned away from the door and crossed the store, snagged a second chair and pulled it up across from his son.

  “Now, we need to talk,” Dan said. “What happened?”

  “I wanted to buy something for Mom.” Luke’s voice was barely a whisper.

  “What, exactly?” Dan asked, shaking his head.

  “I don’t know. Something special.”

  Dan sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You wouldn’t let me.”

  “You never asked!” Dan tried to control his tone, but he was mad. This situation wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t forced Lana’s hand—he hadn’t even asked for this. She’d been the one to walk away, and she’d never shown any interest in coming back.

  “You hate her,” Luke said accusingly.

  “I don’t hate her.” How on earth had Luke come to that conclusion? He’d been so careful to be respectful when speaking of her, so cautious in what information his son received from him...unless that caution had been what gave him away.

  “You don’t want me to see her,” Luke countered.

  “Luke, you don’t understand.” Dan heaved a sigh. “I don’t think you’re old enough to hear this stuff. I just need you to trust me.”

  “I want to see my mom,” Luke said, glittering eyes meeting Dan’s.

  Dan nodded slowly. Maybe he’d gone too far. Luke obviously had an image in his head of the mother he wanted to have, and Dan hadn’t wanted to ruin that for him. But finding her wasn’t going to bring Luke the reunion he wanted.

  “Luke, she left you when you were little because she didn’t think she could be a good mom to you. And she was right. She wanted to have fun and have boyfriends, and go to parties. She didn’t want to do the mom stuff.”

  “Maybe she wants to see me,” Luke said.

  “Son, your mom can see you anytime she wants.” Dan sighed. “I don’t stop her. She knows exactly where you are—she has our phone number, our address and my email. I’m not the one who’s holding her back.”

  Luke’s lips trembled, and he shook his head. “No. You hate her, but she loves me. I know she loves me, and she’ll want to see me. I’m her kid!”

  “You’re my kid, too.” Dan swallowed back the emotion that tightened his throat. “And I love you more than anything, Luke.”

  “So why can’t I see her?” Luke demanded, tears welling in his eyes.

  “Because she doesn’t want to, buddy.” The words sounded harsh. “I emailed her a couple of months ago to make sure I still had her contact info, and she responded to confirm it. She knows where we are.”

  He’d asked her if she wanted a picture of Luke, and she’d said no. Not yet. It only made it harder for her. And Dan had respected that—maybe even been grateful for it. It made it easier on him knowing that Lana didn’t want contact, even if that broke Luke’s heart. And perhaps Luke could sense that selfish rush of relief.

  “Why not?” Luke whispered.

  “It isn’t because of you, Luke,” Dan said, leaning forward, trying to infuse his words with certainty. “It’s because of her. She can’t be the mom she knows you need, and so she’s staying away until she can. It isn’t because of you. You’re a terrific kid, and I know for a fact that she loves you. She’s just...”

  Just what? How was he supposed to explain something to Luke that he couldn’t fully understand himself? Lana wasn’t willing to make the changes she needed to make. Dan had been. He’d grown up. He’d changed, stepped up and made himself into the father his son needed. She’d chosen not to.

  “Can I talk to her sometime?” Luke asked.

  “Yes.” It was a split-second decision, but one he could no longer avoid making. “I have her number. I’ll give her a call, and we can see what happens.”

  Luke nodded. “Okay.”

  Was this really okay, or was Luke just drained right now? How could Dan even know? Because Dan wasn’t okay—he was scared and feeling inadequate.

  “I can’t promise anything, son,” Dan said. “I don’t know what your mom will say, or if she’ll want to talk, but—”

  For Luke, Dan would do anything, even face his worst fears. It hardly seemed fair, though, to ask a father to stop protecting his child. Luke wanted the truth, but he was in no way ready for it.

  Luke met Dan’s gaze mutely, and in those round brown eyes Dan could see the toddler who’d first been deposited on his couch that windswept night. And she’d walked away. Not just Lana—Beth, too. She’d looked down at that innocent little kid whose mom had just abandoned him, and she’d walked out, too. Beth seemed to think that her betrayal mattered less because he’d let her down by not telling her sooner. And he’d been wrong there—he could see that—but Beth hadn’t even taken the time to work with him, figure out the whole story. She’d freaked out, canceled the wedding and left town. Now she was the one Luke was turning to—and that wasn’t fair. Dan was Luke’s dad, and he loved this kid so hard that it physically hurt. And the fact that he was looking to Beth for some comfort, too, left him feeling a pang of guilt. He pulled his mind back to the issue in front of him.

  “You can’t leave the school in the middle of the day,” Dan said. “You can’t go with anyone else, and you really, really can’t go alone. It’s dangerous, Luke.”

  “Okay.”

  Did his son even appreciate all the bad things Dan was trying to protect him from? Probably not.

  “Promise me, son. I need your word.”

  “I promise.”

  “And can I trust your word as a man of honor?” Dan asked seriously.

  “Yes.” Luke nodded. “I won’t do it again.”

  It would have to do, because Dan didn’t have much else. This whole situation was so much bigger than his broad shoulders could carry. That was why he’d been looking to Beth to stand by his side and help with the burden... He’d needed her.

  “Good.” Dan held out his arms. “Now give me a hug.”

  Luke slid into Dan’s arms, and he clamped them around that thin boy and wished so hard that he could shelter his son from everything that would hurt him. But the older he got, the less control he had over Luke’s world. Some things would hurt Luke, and some would break his heart. All Dan could do was give his son a safe place to come bac
k to when he needed comfort.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  AS BETH WALKED away from the corner store, she could feel the distance between her and Danny. She had no place in his relationship with Luke—he’d made that very clear—but her heart went out to them. Danny loved his son heart and soul, and Luke just wanted answers. What child didn’t long for their mom?

  Beth had. She could remember lying in bed at night after her mother’s death, when she’d imagine that her mom had just gone away on a long trip and her key would turn in the lock downstairs and she’d come into the house and call, “I’m back!” And everything—her death, the funeral, Linda—would be a dream.

  If her mother had truly been alive, Beth would have stopped at nothing to find her, because every kid needed a mother’s love. Every kid.

  Beth felt a clench of pain through her abdomen, and she stopped in her tracks, holding her breath until the pain subsided. She’d had a few Braxton-Hicks contractions, and this felt similar. Was Granny right, and she might need to start putting her feet up a bit more? She started walking again, this time more slowly. She glanced back toward the store.

  No, she wouldn’t go back there. Danny needed time with his son, and she didn’t belong there. She’d brought Luke to his father, and that was where her responsibilities ended. It was also where Danny’s responsibilities toward her ended. He had bigger issues to deal with right now, and she’d already made herself abundantly clear about where she stood with them.

  Beth crossed the street and realized that something felt different. The baby was lower than she’d been before, and she felt like she wasn’t walking the same, either. Had that contraction been more than Braxton-Hicks, or was this just her body changing as she got closer to her due date?

  Seeing Danny and Luke together, looking into that boy’s face...it was so tempting to open her heart to both of them. Luke was just a little boy longing for a mother’s love, and while a stepmother would never be a replacement, Beth of all people could understand what he was going through. She’d been older when she lost her mother, but that hole in her heart was the same. If Linda had held on a little longer, loved her a little more resolutely, it would have made a big difference. Her father had been right that Beth had needed a mother, but it wasn’t just a woman’s presence—she’d needed a mother’s love. Seeing Luke’s pain choked her heart, and she wished, oh, how she wished that she could step in and provide that maternal love for him. She’d wanted to gather that child up into her arms and hug it all away...except a hug from his dad’s friend wouldn’t fix it.

  Another pain squeezed her belly, and this time Beth doubled over, gasping. This one hurt worse, and she rubbed the side of her belly as the pain slowly ebbed away.

  “Oh...” Beth breathed. This wasn’t good—she knew that. She’d never felt this before, and she was now certain that she needed to get home and call her doctor. She looked ahead—she was only a block from home. If this was labor, she knew she had some time still, but she could use some help to get her there more quickly. She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, discovered she had no service—the reception in this town could be spotty at times—and grimaced.

  One more block. She could do this. Beth started walking again, but she ached all over. She sucked in slow, even breaths as she pushed herself forward.

  “Not yet, baby,” Beth whispered as she walked. “Stay put, would you?”

  She wasn’t ready—not to give birth, and certainly not to start life with an infant on her own. She’d told her father she was moving out, but she had no idea how she’d handle a newborn by herself if she had to pay her own rent and figure it all out.

  Tears sprang to her eyes. She wasn’t ready! Nine months wasn’t enough, and she suddenly wished she could just cancel it all. Press a button. Something. Anything—because she was not ready to do this alone.

  Another wave of pain hit her, and this time Beth leaned over into a snowbank and let out a low moan of agony. She could feel that difference—the baby was even lower now, and the pressure was enormous. These weren’t harmless Braxton-Hicks contractions—these were doing something, and she suddenly realized she couldn’t stand up again. Tears were flowing now, and she gritted her teeth as the pain wrapped around her.

  “Oh my God!” a voice said. She looked up into the panicked face of one of her father’s elderly neighbors. He stood on the sidewalk next to her, slippers on his feet and no coat on. He must have seen her from his window and come out to investigate.

  “I need help,” she whispered.

  “Okay, now...okay now...” The old man reached toward her. “I don’t think I can—”

  “My dad’s up at number seventy-two,” she gasped.

  Without another word, the old man hobbled down the sidewalk ahead of her, hopping over a puddle as he headed for her father’s house. He was surprisingly spry, she realized.

  She needed her dad right now—the only person she could lean on. She needed someone to tell her it would be okay and to get her to a hospital. There was no way she could do this by herself. She’d entertained the thought of natural childbirth right up until this moment, when she realized with a rush of panic that she could not endure more pain than this.

  She shut her eyes, trying desperately to calm whatever was happening inside her. If she could just relax, maybe it would stop. Maybe this was stress. Maybe it was because she’d walked too far...

  “I’m sitting, I’m sitting...” she repeated to herself, as if that might convince her body to cooperate. Her hip was wet now from the snowbank, and she realized that she hadn’t had another wave of pain. Oh, that was a good thing! Yes, maybe it would stop now. A nice warning about pushing it too hard, which she’d very dutifully take to heart, and she could just go home. Even as she thought it, she knew it wasn’t true. She was about to have a baby, and she needed to get to a hospital.

  Maybe she could get up now. Beth opened her eyes and tried to push herself to her feet, but her balance was all off, and she sank back into the snow. She ran a hand under her belly. It ached.

  The old man was at the house now, and the door opened to reveal a confused Granny. Beth nearly sobbed when she saw Granny shaking her head.

  “Ralph?” Granny’s voice surfed the icy breeze. “Is that you?”

  Beth wanted to swear, scream at Granny, shake her back into reality. Then her father appeared on the step, and the old man pointed toward her.

  “Beth!” Her father’s voice echoed down the street, and she felt a rush of relief. “Beth! Oh my God! Beth, I’m coming!”

  That was when she knew she’d be okay. At the sound of her father’s voice, she was his little girl again, and he was coming for her.

  She’d meet him partway. Beth almost laughed at herself, but she refused to sit in this snowbank any longer. She gritted her teeth and pushed herself up once more. This time she managed to get some traction and staggered to her feet. Her knees were shaking, and she wasn’t sure why, but she took a few unstable steps forward.

  She heard the door slam and her father came bolting down the sidewalk. He caught her in his arms.

  “Beth, are you in labor?” he asked breathlessly.

  “I don’t know.” Why was she saying that? She was most definitely in labor. She wasn’t thinking straight—she just wanted to get somewhere safe.

  Another wave of pain hit her, and she doubled over again, this time letting out a loud sob. It hurt so badly, and it took all her strength to stay on her feet.

  “That’s labor, Beth.” Her father’s voice sounded calmer all of a sudden. “You’ll be okay, sweetheart. Now come on. We’re going to the car. Okay? Come on...”

  “Dad...” she gasped.

  “Hey, listen to me, Beth.” Her father tightened his grip under her arms. “It’s gonna hurt pretty bad, but you’ll be fine. I’m here. I’m taking care of it. Okay? This al
l normal, kiddo.”

  Her father’s voice was comforting as he led her toward the car, and when he got her into the front seat, she shut her eyes and tried to picture something calming. Like a waterfall or a flower, or whatever the birth instructor had advised. Everything felt so cold—the seat, the air, her legs...

  Her father’s door slammed, and he started the car.

  “Okeydoke,” Rick sang out. “I’m about to speed. Hope you don’t mind!”

  Beth opened her eyes as her father drew away from the curb, and she slammed a hand against the window as he pulled a squealing U-turn.

  She was about to have to a baby. Ready or not, motherhood was here.

  * * *

  DAN HAD DROPPED his son off at the school. The discussion with the principal had been long and arduous, but that was to be expected given the seriousness of the situation. Dan needed to trust that his son would be at the school during the days, too, and after a lengthy meeting with both Luke and the principal, he finally drove away, leaving his son to learn something.

  It was the last day of school before Christmas break, and Dan could have simply let his son off the hook, but he felt he had a point to make. Consistency. Discipline. Something like that... Besides, this had shaken Dan more than he cared to admit, and he didn’t want Luke to see that.

  Dan didn’t bother going back to the store. Instead he drove home. He was tired, angry and he needed to get his thoughts straightened out. Funny, now that he had the time, all he could think about was seeing Beth—a comfort of some sort. It wasn’t that he wanted to bring her into this mess, but his emotions for her were getting mixed up. He missed her, he was frustrated with her, and he felt the emptiness in his life without a partner. Yet somehow, when he thought about a woman at his side, he kept imagining Beth there...

  “No.” He said it aloud as he pulled into his driveway. Beth wasn’t a part of this—she didn’t want this. In fact, she had her own problems right now, and using her as a sounding board was selfish. Of course, it would be nice to have someone, but there was no use hashing these things out with someone who didn’t love Luke the way he did. At the very least, he should talk to Lana. She was the one Luke kept trying to find, after all.