ThinandBeautiful.com

by Liane Shaw

  I decided to stop thinking about him or about anyone for a moment while I sat out there in the sunshine. It felt nice, warm and quiet. Not quiet like no talking. Quiet like my insides were settling down for a moment or two. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt like that. It was like starting to breathe again after holding my breath for a long, long time.

  chapter 17

  divinethinspiration says:

  hey

  nevertoothin says:

  hey urself.

  divinethinspiration says:

  had crap day. wish all guys were shot into space

  bodaciousbod says:

  hey, welcome to the club. we all do lots of wishing like that.

  nevertoothin says:

  guys can be a pain for sure

  lookingforlight says:

  not all guys

  bodaciousbod says:

  u just say that cause you have a b/f

  lookingforlight says:

  true

  nevertoothin says:

  what happened dt?

  divinethinspiration says:

  oh, just girl meets boy girl likes boy boy doesn’t like girl boy likes different girl different girl mean nasty and deserves to die

  nevertoothin says:

  nah, just deserves to be fat

  bodaciousbod says:

  we can cast a fat spell

  nevertoothin says:

  i think that’s a different group of girls. wonderful wicca or something

  divinethinspiration says:

  wonderful wicked wicca! lol

  bodaciousbod says:

  we can make her a size 14.

  nevertoothin says:

  speaking of size, i bought a pair of 0’s today. yay

  lookingforlight says:

  yeah, i wish i could be a size 0 but i’m still a 1. yuk

  divinethinspiration says:

  i won’t tell you my size then. ud freak.

  bodaciousbod says:

  no way. we can help. we know lots of ways to change size. it’s all good.

  nevertoothin says:

  totally. everyone shares.

  divinethinspiration says:

  sounds awesome. not too many ppl around here share with me. they all want me to be fat.

  nevertoothin says:

  been there. no one understands do they??? but we do.

  bodaciousbod says:

  totally. did you check my pics?

  nevertoothin says:

  totally bodacious! lol. you look great. i can’t wait to look like you.

  bodaciousbod says:

  hey, dt, you check out the pic gallery?

  divinethinspiration says:

  not yet.

  bodaciousbod says:

  well, take a look. you can post there too.

  divinethinspiration says:

  no way. too fat.

  lookingforlight says:

  i hear that! no way u’ll get me there!

  bodaciousbod says:

  u always say that lfl. we all know ur just shy. or maybe ur just so gorgeous u don’t want to hurt our feelings.

  lookingforlight says:

  lol. hahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahah. but it’s nice u said it. thx.

  nevertoothin says:

  thing is we all have to remember that we stick up for each other. no secrets. u don’t have to hide urself from us. no shadows.

  lookingforlight says:

  i know. just not ready. u guys all look so wonderful though.

  divinethinspiration says:

  i’m with u, lfl. not ready either.

  nevertoothin says: s’ok. no pressure. just keep working on it till you feel ready.

  bodaciousbod says:

  totally

  divinethinspiration says:

  thx guys

  nevertoothin says:

  if ur having trouble, check out tips link. lots of good stuff.

  divinethinspiration says:

  will do. checking pics too so i can see who i’m talking to!

  lookingforlight says: cept me!

  divinethinspiration says:

  cept me too. can’t always even see myself these days.

  nevertoothin says: that’s cause ur still looking at your shadow instead of the true u. give it time. some day.

  divinethinspiration says:

  don’t like time much.

  lookingforlight says:

  time’s ok. lets you get stuff done.

  divinethinspiration says:

  makes me think i didn’t get enough done.

  lookingforlight says:

  no. should make you think that there’s always more of it and always another day to get thin and beautiful. lol

  divinethinspiration says:

  good 1! lolx2. going to go check out rest of site for a while before bed. need some sleep b4 school.

  nevertoothin says:

  yuck.

  bodaciousbodsays:

  yuckx2

  lookingforlight says:

  i kind of like school.

  nevertoothinsays:

  miss positive!

  divinethinspiration says:

  gnight miss positive and misses yuck & yuck.

  The picture gallery was a collection of photographs that people on the site had taken of themselves and posted for everyone else to see. Some people posted before and after photos. Others just put on the after ones because they didn’t want anyone to see the before ones. There were all kinds of pictures. Sometimes they were all alone and sometimes with friends or pets. None of them seemed to be with family members. Sometimes they had fancy outfits on, but lots were in bikinis so they could really show off their bods.

  Bodaciousbod was there in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt that kind of looked like it was painted on. She had streaked blond, brown, and reddish hair and green eyes. She was smiling and looked happy with herself. She was really thin and definitely beautiful. I figured she was pretty happy with herself. I wondered if you got to stop dieting when you started looking that good or if you had to do it forever. I had to remember to ask her the next time we were chatting.

  Nevertoothin was there too. Or I figured it had to be her because it said NTT. She had short, black curly hair and dark mysterious eyes that were all made up to look even darker and more mysterious. She had dark red lipstick on and a black slinky dress with heels. She looked like some kind of sophisticated vampire … not that I would ever say that to her! The dress clung to her and I’m pretty sure you could see her ribs through the sheer material. She really looked like she worked hard at it. She wasn’t smiling in her picture, though. She had a very serious, almost angry expression, like she was daring anyone to get up in her face.

  I was kind of glad lookingforlight wasn’t there either. It made me feel less like a loser and more like part of the group to know I wasn’t the only shy one. She seemed like a really nice girl. Her name suited her. She seemed kind of sunshiny and nice. I wondered what she looked like and what her name was. She seemed like someone I would hang around with in real life. Not that this wasn’t real life, but it would have been cool to meet all three of them live and in person and actually have people to hang around with.

  I was sure that Ruth, Devon, and Alyssa had given up on me by now. I had pretty much stopped talking to any of them. That was OK. I didn’t really need them anymore. Friends move on. It’s all part of growing up.

  As for Annie, well, even our walks to school seemed to be happening less and less often. The corner we always used to meet at was empty more often than not as time went on. Like our friendship, I guess. She seemed to be in a different place than I was and we were running out of things to talk about. We still tried to talk once in a while, but it felt strange, like we had just met for the first time and were trying to find common ground in order to have a conversation.

  My GWS were my real friends now. I know that certain people would try to tell me that I couldn’t call a bunch of pictures and words on a screen real but I knew
different. There were real, live girls behind those words and they cared about me and thought the way I did about life. I trusted them with my secrets. I knew they were on my side.

  I looked at pictures of girls from other forums and chat rooms as well. I keep saying “girls” because there weren’t any boys at all on the site. I knew from my research that there were some boys who tried to get their bodies under control as well, but there didn’t seem to be nearly as many as girls. I assumed boys didn’t feel as pressured to watch their weight as girls.

  Most of the models on magazines that were shouting about diets and things were women. Most of the advertisements on TV that pushed all the diet clubs were done by actresses, not actors. Maybe men were allowed to be chubbier than women, so boys didn’t worry about it as much. Maybe I didn’t know anything about it because I wasn’t a boy. Maybe I didn’t really care because I wasn’t a boy.

  The girls in the photo gallery all looked a lot happier in the “after” photos than in the “before” ones, just like in all those diet ads. Everything about them was smaller except for their smiles. They all had completely flat tummies with nice sticky-outy pelvic bones. Their arms were nice and firm, with no flab. Most of them had sharp cheekbones that made their eyes look awesomely large. Their thighs and calves were pretty much the same size. My thighs were still disgustingly bigger than my calves. My cheekbones were not bad, but not as good as the pictures. My stomach was smaller than it used to be but still too round. The pictures made me realize how much work I still had to do.

  I spent a little more time playing around with the site map and found all sorts of helpful things. There were diet tips and some exercises for specific body parts. The celebrity pics were there of course, but that didn’t really interest me as much as the real person pics. There was this list of Forty Reasons You Need to Be Thin that I wished I could print out and pin to my wall, but my mother wasn’t too great at respecting the privacy of my room so I couldn’t do that. I saved it to my favorites instead.

  Sighing, I finally turned off the computer. I was really tired. The day had taken a lot out of me and all I wanted to do was lie down. At the same time I felt pretty jazzed because I felt like I had finally found some friends who really understood me and I didn’t think I would be able to sleep. I had a desk full of homework to do. I sat for a minute, thinking. I looked down at my belly and then over at my desk. Taking my robe off, I put on my sweats and pulled my exercise mat out from under my bed. I lay down staring at the ceiling. Closing my eyes, I silently apologized to the homework gods and started the first set of exercises that targeted unsightly belly fat that I had taken the risk of printing, figuring I could hide it in a book somewhere so no one would see.

  May 10

  “Hey.” I looked up and saw Marina standing in my doorway.

  “Hey,” I said, stretching my arms out over my head and trying to work the kinks out of my neck. It was, like, 7:30 in the morning. Pretty early for company, although I was up and dressed already. I hadn’t really slept in since I came here. Not enough to do during the day and too much time to sleep.

  “You had breakfast yet?”

  “Breakfast? What do you mean?” I knew what breakfast was. It’s just that I wasn’t really into the whole eating bit. I mean, I was taking in my minimum calorie requirement to keep them happy so they wouldn’t think I was uncooperative or whatever, but I never went to the cafeteria.

  “Yeah, breakfast. They do serve it down the hall, you know. Some people actually sit together and have this thing called a meal here. You are on the group schedule now so you really should be coming down. Keeps them happy.”

  “Oh, right.” I actually did know that. I forgot that not everyone was in their little room, sipping protein and choking down disgusting food that was supposed to be healthy. That was just for the individualized people who were too antisocial and difficult to be with the whole gang. I guess that was changing. I wondered for a second if that meant I might be changing a little too.

  “Yeah, it’s kind of nice. You get to, like, chew and everything.” She looked like she was kind of challenging me to say no. But I had to say no because I wasn’t ready to sit in a whole room of people and talk to them about nothing and have them judge me every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth. Marina, who was apparently as psychic as Annie, seemed to read my thoughts.

  “Everyone in there has been through their own problems – not that I’m saying you have a problem or anything.” She smiled and held her hands out as if warding me off. “But they are all working through stuff of their own, that’s why they’re here. No one’s watching you and no one cares if you eat or not. I thought you might just like to get out of this room for a while and see some human life. You can just have a glass of juice … or even water.” I swear she could see me mentally calculating the calories in orange juice before she tacked on that last suggestion. Maybe she did it too. I took a deep breath and thought for a second. I had actually fixed myself up a little today. I had slightly less ratty sweats on and I had tried to tame my hair a little. I had shoes and socks on like a real person. Not that I was hoping to see anyone in particular or anything.

  “It’s OK, I’ll take care of you,” she said, laughing at my indecision, which was the right thing to do because it instantly made it seem like less of a big deal.

  “Gee, thanks. I feel so relieved.” My sarcasm, as usual, was lost on her as she just grinned and headed off down the hall, sure that I would follow. Of course, I did.

  The room she took me to was across from the sunroom where the group sessions had been. I hadn’t even known it was there. Well, I had probably seen it when they did the tour routine on my first day but I wasn’t paying close attention at the time because I was too busy looking for exits. It was a pretty nice room, painted a soft green that made you feel a little like spring was peeking in. There were lots of plants scattered around and a few chairs and couches, in what my mother calls earth tones, against the walls. Actually, my mom would have loved this room. There were several tables in the middle of the room. I was relieved to see that they were fairly small. I had been afraid that we all had to sit together cafeteria style. As it turned out, Marina and I found a table with only one other person at it. There was a longer table over by one wall that had a bunch of food on it. I didn’t go over but I could kind of see plates of different things, like eggs, fruit, something that looked like toast, and jugs of juice.

  I tried not to stare at the other girls eating but I managed a few glances. I say other girls, because Wolf wasn’t anywhere in sight. I felt a twinge of something – like a combination of disappointment and relief. I wasn’t so sure I could really keep him interested in me in a room this full of girls and I wasn’t really ready to find that out!

  “So, I’m going to grab some food. You want me to get you a drink?” Marina asked. She seemed to know that I wasn’t ready to look at all that food. I nodded gratefully. I figured I could just sip really, really slow so I wouldn’t look like a total dweeb sitting there with nothing in front of me.

  “So, hi. I’m Sherry.” The girl at the table was smiling shyly at me. She was pretty, with long brown hair and big green eyes. I didn’t think she looked particularly sick either. Then again, no one in here looked all that off to me. Everyone was pretty slim and all, but so what?

  “I’m Madison.”

  “That’s a pretty name. I love your hair. Mine is always so straight and won’t keep a curl at all.”

  “Oh, thanks. I always wanted straight hair. I can only remember one time a bunch of girls managed to straighten it for me and it stayed that way for about three minutes.” We both laughed, much to my astonishment. I was having a normal conversation! About hair! In this place!

  “I see you two have met.” Marina sat down with a plate of what looked like scrambled eggs and some melon pieces. She put a small glass of orange juice in front of me. I looked at Sherry to see if she would notice that I wasn’t eating but she didn’t seem too worried abou
t me.

  “Yes, I was just telling Madison that I love her curly hair,” Sherry said graciously.

  “Yeah? I never noticed. It’s very lovely, Madison,” Marina said, just slightly emphasizing my full name. I stuck my tongue out at her.

  “Well, it was very nice meeting you, Madison, but I have to go. I hope I see you around sometimes. It can get kind of lonely around here.”

  “Sure. I’ll see you,” I answered. I looked at Marina. “You seem to chase people away on a regular basis.”

  “Yeah, it’s one of my many gifts.”

  “Sherry seemed pretty nice and normal.”

  Marina raised her eyebrows at me as she ate some eggs. “Most of us are pretty nice and normal.” I tried not to stare at her while she chewed. I wondered if she was counting the calories in every bite like I did or if she did things differently than me. I didn’t ask because I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t answer me anyway. I took a small sip of my juice.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound all judgmental. I just meant that, well, they put us all here for a reason.”

  “Rumor has it that not everyone got “put” here. Some people actually volunteered to be here.”

  “Did you come here on purpose?”

  “I didn’t say that. I’m just saying that some people are looking for the help. Some people figure they’re lucky to get into a private place like this. Not everyone can and there aren’t too many free treatment centers around, so there are big waiting lists.”

  “You’re kidding me. People are lining up to get in these places?” That was like lining up to get into the morgue!

  “Not exactly lining up. But eating disorders are a big problem these days and more people are realizing that they want to get some help.”

  I looked at her in total astonishment. “You think you have an eating disorder?” Marina was so cool and sure of herself.

  I’m not sure what I thought she was doing here but it hadn’t really occurred to me that she had a reason of her own … the reason. Of course, not much had occurred to me because I hadn’t really thought about it. I’d been too wrapped up in me. Not cool. Might be time to think outside of my own little box.