ThinandBeautiful.com
Page 16
“Well, this would be kind of a stupid place to hang out if I didn’t. Anyway, I’ve got to go. Talk to you later.” She took her plates over to a table that had bins on it for dirty dishes. She had a habit of walking away just when things were getting interesting. I thought about following her just to see where she went, but I suspected that she would catch me in that act and blow me off for life.
As I put my lone little glass into the bins, I realized that I forgotten to talk to her about Wolf. I guess I was going to have to figure out this one by myself. Unless I could figure out a way to get to the Internet, which I hadn’t managed to do yet. I wondered for the millionth time what the girls were thinking about me and whether they had given up on me or not.
chapter 18
After the whole Suzanne-and-Jesse-in-the-library fiasco, I basically swore off people at school. I couldn’t be bothered playing the game anymore. It made me tired. Actually, if I was being honest, most things made me tired. I had to make myself do my exercises. I worked out first thing every morning and then again just before bed. I had to be quiet about it, because, as unbelievable as this may sound, my parents didn’t seem to approve of me working out. It was bad enough that they were all bent about my eating habits but they started making little comments about my exercising too. Not like a big argument deal or anything. More like, “Do you really need to do quite so many crunches, dear?” It irritated me, so I just started working out in my room or down in the basement if no one was there. I ran late at night so no one would bug me. I could not figure these people out at all. Most parents were all moaning and groaning because their kids spend all of their time in front of the TV or computer and were getting obese and stuff. My parents had it made with me, and still complained. Maybe part of being a parent is needing to have something to gripe about so that you fit in with the other parents. Just like being in high school. Maybe people never stopped having to find ways to fit in.
So, I just kept to myself at home and mostly kept to myself at school. Annie and I weren’t exactly talking but we weren’t completely not talking either.
By midterm, I had my life into a pretty solid pattern. I got up, worked out, went to school, tried to concentrate and get some work done, spent lunch in the library, went to classes, tried to concentrate, went home, ate some supper to keep my family happy, did some homework to keep my teachers happy, worked out to keep my body happy, went on the computer and chatted with my real friends to keep me happy, then did one last workout and crashed. Got up the next day and did it all again. It worked fine for me and I didn’t see any problems with it. That is, until midterm reports came out.
“Maddie, what are you doing? You have to get that signed!” It was Annie’s voice and she sounded kind of shocked. I didn’t know why. All I was doing was ripping up my report card and throwing it piece by piece into the garbage can outside the front doors of the school.
“No one is going to see this. Garbage goes where it belongs. In the garbage can.” I threw the last few pieces and wiped my hands as if the paper had made them dirty. My breathing felt heavy, as if I had just run ten times around the track.
“What’s wrong?” Annie asked. She really sounded worried, which was weird because we weren’t really everyday friends anymore.
“Not that you probably actually care, but what’s wrong is that I got a seventy-three average. Seventy-freaking-three!” I stomped down the steps so she wouldn’t see that my stupid eyes were tearing up. She followed me, though, almost running to catch up.
“Maddie, there’s nothing wrong with a seventy-three. Lots of people would be perfectly happy with it.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not lots of people. I’ve never got anything less than eighty before, as you well know. I can’t believe this happened to me!”
“It didn’t just happen. You’ve had a rough term. You’ve been tired and …”
“What do you know about my term? You’ve barely talked to me. It’s like you think I did something wrong when you’re the one who talked behind my back to Taylor!”
“Maddie, that happened last year. It’s history.”
“If it’s history, why are you avoiding me now? And don’t say you’re not because you are.”
“OK, you’re right. I have been avoiding you, but no more than you have been doing it to me. I do stay away from you these days. It’s too hard to be with you even if you did want me around, which you don’t. I get upset when I’m around you and I don’t want to fight with you so I just stay away.”
“You get upset, do you? Why, I’d like to know? I didn’t do anything to you. Is this all because I hung out with Suzanne for a while last year?”
“No, it’s nothing to do with Suzanne or anyone else. It’s you, Madison. I can’t stand to watch you do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“This. What you’re doing right now. Freaking out about some stupid report card and not figuring out that your marks are dropping because you’re exhausted all of the time. Starving yourself until you look like you’re dying. Whenever I do talk to you, all you talk about is food and weight and then you don’t eat anything at all and you just keep getting worse and worse!” Annie put her hand over her mouth as if she wanted to stop any more words from spewing out.
“Getting worse. What do you mean worse. Worse than what?” I really wanted to hear this.
“Just stop it, Madison!” Not-so-cool Annie was yelling now. I couldn’t believe my ears. What was her problem?
“Stop what?” I yelled back, just because I felt like it.
“Can’t you see what you’re doing? Can’t you see how you’re hurting yourself? Or if you don’t care about yourself, can’t you try to see how you’re hurting me and your parents and everyone else who cares about you? Or are you so wrapped up in your selfish obsession with your skinny body that you don’t care who else you hurt?”
“Selfish? How am I selfish? I never did anything to anyone!” I couldn’t believe her! Who did she think she was, anyway?
“You really believe that, don’t you?” Annie’s voice was quiet again but she sounded like she was going to cry. I didn’t care if she cried or not. She didn’t have any right to criticize me. She looked at me and wiped at her eyes. “You really don’t see it. You can’t see that your mom and dad are worried sick about you and that everyone at school looks at you and wonders what’s going to happen to you. You can’t see that my heart feels sick every time I look at you and see you get thinner and more distant and less happy. You just don’t see. And I don’t know how to help you. I care about you, Maddie. I want to be your friend. I thought we were the forever kind, like two dragons, you know? But I can’t do it. I can’t hang around and watch you do this. I can’t. I just can’t.”
I watched her run away. I knew she was crying but I told myself it was her own fault and willed myself not to cry along with her. If she wanted to stay completely out of my life, that was fine with me. It’s not like we were still real friends anyway. There was nothing to miss, no one to miss.
She was wrong. I could see everything just fine. I could see that no one really cared about me at all. They were all too worried about themselves to try to understand the things that were important to me. It didn’t matter. I was fine. I could take care of myself. So much for “alwaysannie.”
That night I didn’t turn my computer on at eleven. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just crawled into bed and pulled the covers up over my head hoping for sleep to wipe out the day the dragons went away for good.
May 12
“Hey.”
I was sitting by the window, watching Marina meditating in the garden and wondering whether I should go out and bug her or not. Now that I was going to group, I had a full hour of down time after each session. Wolf sat beside me and watched her for a second.
“She’s probably going home next month. Did she tell you that?”
“No. She doesn’t really talk about herself much.” I looked at him. “Does she talk to you?”
“What about you?” I tried not to sound like it mattered. I’m not actually sure if it did anymore or not. I’m not sure I have the energy to worry about boys these days. All this writing of my memories is making me think too much and I’m not all that happy with the thoughts. I feel turned inside out with my emotions sitting on the outside, exposed and raw.
“Oh, I’ll be here a bit longer.”
“Can I ask you a personal question?” It was risky, but curiosity won over common sense.
“Sure. I bet I can even guess.”
“Oh, yeah? Go ahead.”
“You want to know how a guy like me ended up in a place like this. Emphasis on the guy part.” He grinned. My heart did kind of a slow roll and a couple of butterflies danced in my gut. Maybe I had a little energy for this after all.
“Yeah, that is what I want to know. There isn’t much talk about guys and losing weight and all that stuff.” I wasn’t going to bring up the disorder thing.
“Well, here’s the story. It’s boring, but I’ve had to tell it a few times, so here goes. Try not to fall asleep.”
“I’ll do my best.” I smiled, as prettily as I could manage. He took a deep breath and started to talk.
“I’m probably a little like you. I wanted to get my body under control. I liked control. I liked to do things well and please everyone around me. My parents weren’t always the easiest people to please. My dad is kind of a macho guy and I never was. He wasn’t mean or anything, just … disappointed in me, I guess. He thought I was soft. I tried to do some of the stuff he wanted, like sports, but I wasn’t big enough for football or fast enough for soccer. I liked swimming but he didn’t think it was a real sport. Anyway, it wasn’t that big a deal but it bothered me. I started trying to get my body into shape so at least I would look more athletic or whatever. I started getting thinner and more buff and people started to notice. At first it was all good. Even my dad said I looked like I had been working out. After a while, I just couldn’t stop. I couldn’t make myself eat and couldn’t seem to make myself stop exercising. I swam and walked and started jogging and running. I was tired all the time but did it anyway. I found some stuff online about this diet supplement that would speed things up. You could buy it right online so I did. It worked so I took more and more of it.”
“What did your family do?” I interrupted.
“At first, no one thought there was anything too wrong. No one thought of the whole eating disorder thing because I’m a guy and mostly girls are the ones people worry about. By the time my mom started to panic, I was pretty far gone. She found out about this place from a friend and persuaded my dad to help her send me here. He didn’t want to at first. Thought it was ‘unmanly,’ I guess. Anyway, they took me in here. I hated it at first, just like you. And it didn’t help that I was the only guy around. But after a while I started realizing that I needed some help to get myself OK. I had to admit it.”
“Admit what?” I asked, even though I knew.
“I told you before when we first met. I’m sick with an eating disorder. Anorexia nervosa. Not enough food, too much exercise, and all those diet pills made me too weak. The doctors said that it could make my internal organs work so hard to keep me alive that they could start to shut down.”
“Sounds a little extreme. I mean, I know they say people die from starvation but not people like us. The real sick people are in hospitals. We’re fine.”
“Yeah, well, I think I just missed being one of those hospital people. Lots of us here just missed it. That’s kind of why we’re here.”
“Not me, though. I’m nothing like that. I mean, I do admit I could have done some stuff differently now that I really think about it, which I do way too much in this place. But I was never in any danger. People just overreacted. I’m not sick so much as a bit of a jerk when it comes to people.”
“You seem pretty nice to me.” I know it wasn’t really a declaration of undying love, but I’m pretty sure I heard bells ringing and birds chirping and saw a rainbow spring out over his head. I tried not to blush or bite my tongue in half.
“Thanks. Not so sure it’s true but it’s nice you think so.”
“Are you going to sit here all day sucking in the stale socalled air in this place and staring at the sky or are you coming outside to breathe a little of the real stuff? You remember fresh air, don’t you?” The queen of interruptions had come in without us noticing and patted us each on a cheek while smiling her devilish smile.
“Fine, fine, we’ll come out. Just keep your sweaty palms to yourself!” Wolf said, grabbing my hand and making me blush all over again as the three of us went outside to soak up some sun.
chapter 19
lookingforlight says:
we missed u last night
bodaciousbod says:
where were u? somewhere fun i hope
nevertoothin says:
were u feeding chocolate to the mean girl?
divinethinspiration says:
no. i was basically saying gbye to my former bff
lookingforlight says:
sorry
divinethinspiration says:
she doesn’t want to be there for me
lookingforlight says:
u sure?
divinethinspiration says:
sure. working against me not for me. doesn’t understand
nevertoothin says:
lots of ppl don’t. my b/f dumped me last year. jerk wanted me to get help for my so-called problem.
bodaciousbod says:
sounds like he had the problem!
nevertoothin says:
sounds like it
divinethinspiration says:
any of u lose friends?
bodaciousbod says:
some
divinethinspiration says:
what can i do?
lookingforlight says:
not much. she might come around. give it time
divinethinspiration says:
time is not my friend
lookingforlight says:
i am ur friend
bodaciousbod says:
me 2
nevertoothin says:
me 3
We talked and talked and I realized that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for what you really want in life. After the big final fight with Annie, I didn’t want to spend time with anyone, guy, girl, man, woman, or child. I just wanted to be alone with my computer where I could talk to people who thought I had something worthwhile to say. No one else seemed to be trying very hard to get me to spend time with them, so it wasn’t difficult to be alone. Even my family was avoiding me. My parents seemed to have given up talking to me about anything important, which was a good thing. Even my brother seemed to find other things to do when I was home. I didn’t care. I didn’t need anyone bothering me. It was obvious to me that everyone had finally decided to leave me alone, which was what I wanted.
So I was pretty surprised when I woke up one morning to the sound of banging on my door and my mother’s voice calling my name. I jumped awake, figuring the house had to be on fire for her to be paying so much attention to me. I ran to the door and pulled it open.
“Happy birthday, sweetie,” my mom said in a sing-songy voice. My birthday? It was my birthday? How could I forget that? I couldn’t believe it! All my life I had done the whole birthday countdown for about a month before. I had made sure everyone in a ten-mile radius knew my birthday was coming. I would get so excited that I would stay up half the night on my “birthday eve.” Today was my birthday?
“Um, thanks?” I said weakly, as Mom grabbed me in a big hug. She was hugging me? Maybe I was asleep and this was some sort of warped dream.
“Seventeen! I can’t believe it!”
“You couldn’t believe that I turned fourteen either, or fifteen, or sixteen,” I said, starting to
wake up as my mom squeezed my ribs. Wow, that woman was strong. I tried to gently ease myself out of her grip.
“Um, Mom? Could I, like, breathe now?” I wriggled a little to make my point. Mom hung on for a second or two longer before letting go.
“Oh, sorry, honey. I just get a little emotional on birthdays. I can’t help thinking about the past when you were just a wee thing and now you’re all grown up. You know, just silly old woman stuff.” She kind of brushed a tear away.
“That’s OK, you can’t help being old,” I said, trying to lighten things up a bit so she wouldn’t cry. I didn’t want to make her cry again. I don’t know why my birthday would make her cry. It’s like she didn’t want me to get older or something, which totally contradicted the fact that half the time she seemed to want me to grow up instantly. Sometimes, I think that it might be nice to be a baby again and not have to think about anything but who was going to feed me and put me to bed. This growing-up routine really wasn’t as thrilling as I thought it would be when I was a little kid.
“What’s this about being old?” my dad said as he walked down the hall. “Happy birthday, honey! I assume you were referring to yourself as old?” He gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“Oh, yes, of course, Dad.” I gave him a kiss back and turned to go back into my room. It was so nice that they were acting all normal. Or at least an approximation of normal. It was a little like being on a TV show about very nice people. Maybe there were cameras somewhere and I was really on one of those reality shows that aren’t really real at all because everyone knows they’re on TV so they act completely fake. Whatever it was, it was kind of nice. Like a birthday present.
“Are you going to come down and have a birthday breakfast?” Dad asked in a casual tone. I saw Mom put her hand on his arm.
“No thanks, Dad, I’m just going to grab some juice on the way to school.” I braced myself for an argument.